An Audi R8 that isn’t shitty, yesterday

Audi says the next-generation R8, due late in 2015 as a 2016 model, will be a significant step backwards compared to the current-generation car.

“At this point we’ve made the R8 so good that we’re running up against the law of diminishing returns,” said Audi PR spokesdiminisher Mahrke Donkey. “No matter how good we make the next-generation R8, the critics are going to say we’ve lost our pace and our vision. So we figured, screw it, if they’re going to accuse us of building a shitty car, let’s give ‘em a really shitty car.”

A source at Audi’s Ingolstadt headquarters told Autoblopnik that the new R8 will feature a new W3 engine — a W12 with nine cylinders lopped off — that would develop around 150 horsepower if it were turbocharged, but it won’t be, so it won’t. The new engine will drive one or two of the wheels through a four-speed automatic transmission. In order to assure utter crappiness, Audi has partnered with a handful of competing automakers, including Nissan for styling, Toyota for suspension tuning, and Hyundai for the electric power steering system. Audi plans to develop the electrical systems in-house, Donkey says, because “we have proven ourselves capable of fucking that up with no outside assistance.”

“We’re confident that this new R8 will be seen as an enormous step backwards and will be castigated by the press,” said Donkey. “That way, when we introduce what is essentially a reskin of the current car in 2017, the motor press will say things like ‘Audi is back’ and ‘Audi has found its way again.’ It worked for the 2013 Honda Civic, so we’re sure it will work for us.”

© Autoblopnik

A Toyota Corolla, yesterdzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Toyota announced today that it has canceled plans to introduce a redesigned Corolla for the 2014 model year, and will instead continue to sell the current model indefinitely.

“We sold 290,000 Corollas in 2012, a 50,000 unit increase over model year 2011,” explained Toyota spokesmodel Moe Lester. “Clearly, the Corolla is still in demand. While we know this decision will disappoint a lot of people, especially Toyota employees and dealers, we have to go where the market takes us.”

Toyota has been showing a thinly disguised prototype of the next-generation Corolla, called the Corolla Furia concept, on this year’s auto show circuit. Automotive journalists, who have described the current Corolla as “dated,” “behind the times,” and “pathetic,” have lauded the Furia concept, calling it “not dated,” “not behind the times,” and “not pathetic.”

“No question, the Corolla Furia would have been a huge improvement over the current Corolla,” Lester told Autoblopnik. “Are we disappointed in our own decision? A bit, yes. Building a compact sedan with the personality of a house plant gets very old very quickly, especially when the rest of the industry has moved on and we’re still stuck in the year 2003. But there is still a large segment of sad, boring people who want a sad, boring car, and at the end of the day, we’re in business to make money.”

According to Lester, Toyota had established marketing deals for the redesigned Corolla with companies like Urban Outfitters, Whole Foods, and Apple Computer.

“Unfortunately, we had to scrap those,” he explains. “But we do have some exciting co-branding opportunities with Jo-Ann Fabric Stores, Bayer Aspirin, and the Kansas Department of Tourism.”

Lester says that Toyota will continue to build the current-generation Corolla “until demand dries up or until every last Toyota employee commits suicide in order to escape the mind-numbing dreariness of our cars, whichever comes last.”

© Autoblopnik

A giant inflatable gorilla increasing car sales, yesterday

A study sponsored by the General Office of the National Association for Dealership Studies shows that giant inflatable gorillas on dealership rooftops can increase car sales by up to 14%.

“We believe it has something to do with man’s close connection to primates,” said GO-NADS spokesman Bill Monthly. “Something about a twenty-foot-tall blow-up ape seems to connect with consumers on a subconscious level. We surveyed dealerships with a wide variety of giant inflatable decorations, including giant inflatable dinosaurs, giant inflatable beavers, and giant inflatable sombreros, and while most saw at least some increase in sales, none could match the consistent gains seen by dealerships with giant inflatable gorillas.”

Monthly noted that not all dealers with giant inflatable objects on the roof saw the same results.

“One dealership in the study with a giant inflatable platypus on the roof had significantly lower sales,” he said. “However, a slaughterhouse and fish processing plant opened across the street during the same week as the study, plus the dealer had recently hired a seven-piece mariachi band and a new sales manager with a bad attitude and excessively foul body odor. We suspect these other factors may have skewed the results.”

While the presence of a giant inflatable gorilla may seem moronic and patronizing, the big air-filled primates do appear to resonate with consumers. Michelle Serious-Blister, a 25 year old receptionist from Passingzone, Wisconsin, said the inflatable gorilla perched atop her local Ford dealership was a major factor in her purchase decision.

“My husband and I wanted to trade in our Toyota Camry because the payments and gas mileage were really straining our finances,” she said. “We had decided on a two-year-old Honda Fit we found on Craigslist, but when we drove past the giant gorilla at Passable Ford, we just had to stop in. We bought a brand-new F350 Super Duty King Ranch V10 long bed dually, and we couldn’t be happier!”

© Autoblopnik — Hat tip to Mark Wrenchedin

The Presidential Elantra at a secret location at 492 7th St. NW, Washington, DC, 20004-1232, take the elevator to the roof, turn right, walk about halfway down and you can’t miss it, yesterday

After a series of embarrassing breakdowns and mechanical problems, most recently a well-publicized “mis-fueling” incident in Israel, the White House announced that it is trading in the Cadillac presidential limo for a Hyundai Elantra.

“There’s a lot we like about the current Presidential limousine,” said White House press undersecretary Benjamin Disasterstein. “The control layout is uncluttered and it gets pretty good fuel economy for a twelve-ton armored vehicle. But getting it worked on anywhere outside of DC is a real nightmare, and now that it’s out of warranty, we have to think about these things. With Hyundai’s 10 year/100,000 mile warranty and world-wide dealer network, that won’t be an issue, at least not until well into Hilary’s second term. And if the Republicans are right about the President’s economic policies, the Hyundai Buyer Assurance program will allow us to return the car and walk away from the payments.”

Disasterstien said President Obama was directly involved in the selection of the new vehicle, a 2013 Hyundai Elantra Limited in Azure Blue Pearlcoat with alloy wheels, leather seats, and the optional Limited Technology package, which includes dual-zone climate control and a 7″ touch-screen navigation system.

“We really didn’t need nav,” says Disastersteen, “But that was the only blue Limited they had in stock, and if we custom-ordered the car, we wouldn’t be eligible for the $1,500 Competitive Trade-In cash-back bonus. Besides, the dual-zone climate thing will come in handy. The President and the First Lady are always arguing about the temperature in the car.”

President Obama immediately came under fire for not buying an American-made vehicle, but Dinerstean said that the White House did consider vehicles from the Big Three.

“Our first stop was a Chevy dealership to test-drive a Cruze Eco, but they kept trying to push us into an Equinox with much higher payments. The Focus was nice — the President loved that self-parking feature — but the First Lady didn’t care for the way the transmission shifted. And the President said no to the Dodge Dart, because he had a buddy in college who owned a Fiat X1/9 and it was always in the shop.”

The Secret Service refused to comment on what type of armament and protection will be fitted to the Presidential Elantra. However, an anonymous source inside the White House told Autoblopnik that the car will be driven in stock condition, because “no criminal in his right mind would think a guy driving a Hyundai Elantra is a valuable target.”

© Autoblopnik

CPO program brings new buyers into the Ford family

Ford today reported that sales of Certified Pre-Owned vehicles grew 29% in 2012 versus 2011, an increase that the company credits to a thorough overhaul of the CPO program.

Recent changes include a 12 month/12,000 mile comprehensive warranty and six years/100,000 miles of powertrain coverage for Ford-branded vehicles, while Lincoln vehicles get six years/100,000 miles of comprehensive coverage. Previously, CPO cars were covered for just three months or 3,000 miles. The CPO program now includes inspection of new technologies such as MyFord Touch and blind-spot monitoring. Despite the added costs of the additional inspection, Ford told Autoblopnik that both profits and dealer traffic are up.

“A robust CPO program keeps more vehicles in the dealer network,” says John Felice, general manager for Ford and Lincoln sales. “It improves residual values, enhances dealer profitability, brings more customers to Ford and Lincoln lots, and ultimately results in lower vehicle costs for consumers.”

Ford says that a strong CPO program is vital to increasing new-car sales as well, as these programs are often the first exposure to the brand for many buyers and could lead to a longer relationship.

“Fifty-five percent of these customers are new to the Ford and Lincoln brands,” explains Todd Fites, national CPO sales manager,  for Ford, “and research shows that a new CPO customer is twice as likely to come back and buy a new Ford product in the future.”

Special correspondent Mark Wreckedem contributed to this story.

© Autoblopnik

A 2014 Jeep Cherokee, yesterday

Immediately after revealing the 2014 Jeep Cherokee at this week’s New York Auto Show, Chrysler’s public relations staff set about assuring the media that the new compact SUV isn’t as ugly as they think it is.

“We realize that at first glance, the Jeep Cherokee does appear rather ugly,” said Todd Gayer, head of Jeep communications. “But the truth is that it really isn’t as ugly as most people think it is. Is the new Cherokee an attractive vehicle? No, not by a country fucking mile. Is it ugly? Of course it is. Very ugly. Uglier than a monkey’s armpit. Uglier than a sack of assholes. But is it as ugly everyone thinks it is? No, it most certainly is not.”

Members of the automotive media attending the New York show expressed immediate relief upon Chrysler’s assurances that the new Cherokee is not as ugly as they think it is.

“I thought the thing was fucking hideous,” said Jonny Liebersteinowitzenbaumowitz of Moat Trend magazine. “It looks like something you’d see on the cover of Weekly World News under the headline ‘Bat Boy Alive and Well in New Jersey!’ That’s why it felt like a tremendous weight had been taken off my shoulders when Chrysler told me personally that the Cherokee is not as ugly as I think it is.”

“I’ll admit, my first reaction was not all that positive,” said Jablopnik correspondent Matt Hadtapee, who in his article referred to the new Cherokee as “a bit like a Nissan Juke” and “the most horrifying thing I have seen since the time I walked in on my grandparents having sex.”

“I wasn’t swayed by Chrysler’s repeated insistance that the Cherokee is ‘more than its exterior styling,’ and Ralph Gilles’ comment that the Cherokee is ‘very contemporary’ just didn’t ring true. That’s why I’m so glad that Chrysler has assured my colleagues and I that the new Cherokee isn’t nearly as ugly as we all think it is. How can you argue with that?”

Jeep’s Gayer tells Autoblopnik that the next step is to assure the public that the Cherokee is not as ugly as they think it is, which will be accomplished with an ad campaign entitled “Cherokee 2014: It’s Not As Ugly As You Think It Is.”

“The ad blitz will include television, radio, newspapers and popular web sites,” explained Jeep marketing chief Jim “No Not That Jim Morrison” Morrison, “and will feature real-live Chrysler employees explaining, in plain language that the average American can understand, that the 2014 Jeep Cherokee is not as ugly as they think it is.”

“We felt we needed to build a relationship with the media and our customers based on honesty,” Gayer continued. “We’re not going to pretend the Cherokee isn’t the ugliest vehicle since the Aztek, because it is. We won’t even deny that Don Doofamante tried to snap an early photo of it and turned to stone. That’s the first time we’ve needed a hand truck to kick him out of an auto show. But the honest truth is that the 2014 Jeep Cherokee isn’t as ugly as you think it is.”

“Besides,” he added, “Wait until you see the new Dodge van. That thing really is as ugly as you think it is.”

© Autoblopnik

2014 Volvo S60, yesterday. At least we think it’s the 2014. It might be the 2013. Hard to tell, really.

Volvo plans to take a second attempt at unveiling the facelifted S60, XC60 and XC70 in New York after an unveiling at the Geneva show failed to garner any attention.

“I’m not sure why the media didn’t realize the cars were any different,” said Volvo spokeschanger Jean O. Effluent. “These are the most extensive and radical changes we’ve made to our cars in four years.” All three of the cars have been unchanged since 2009, and Effluent himself has not changed since 1992.

“The S60 is the most extensive and radically changed member of the Volvo family,” explained Effluent. “The headlights are a slightly different shape, and one of the trim pieces near the fog lights that used to be body color is now chrome. Or maybe it used to be chrome and now it’s body color. I’ll have to check on that, but my point is that it’s different. Radically different. And extensive.”

Effluent went on to explain the changes to the crossovers, which, he says, include “taking the shiny metal bit from under the XC70′s grille and putting it on the XC60, and taking the XC60′s fog light trim and putting it on the XC70. We’ve also de-chromed the front end of the XC60. That wasn’t planned, all the chrome bits actually fell off when we were shipping the car to Geneva, but we liked the way it looked so we left it that way.”

Inside, all three cars received what Effluent described as “extensive and radical” changes. “I think we did something with the trim… painted it another color or something. And the steering wheel might be a little different. I mean radically different. Sorry… you know, after you’ve been doing this as long as I have, the cars all start to look alike, really.”

Volvo introduced an all-new V40 in Geneva, a radical hatchback with eye-catching styling and a futuristic interior with a center-mounted gauge cluster, but Effluent says that car will not be sold in the US.

“No question, the new V40 is Volvo’s best car and the US is our biggest market,” he explained, “but the Swedes are pissed at us because we keep mixing them up with the Swiss. They really know how to hold a grudge, those guys. Neutral, my ass.”

Volvo will also re-introduce several new technologies at the New York Show, including the Permanent High Beam system, which leaves the high beams on all the time because, as Effluent explains, “Volvo drivers are idiots who do that sort of thing all the time.” The company will also take the wraps off the World Safety System, which uses a broadband Internet connection to scan the headlines, then decides that the world is simply too dangerous to go wandering around and disables the engine.

© Autoblopnik

Akio Toyoda waves goodbye to Toyota, yesterday

In a stunning move that stunned a lot of people, Toyota president and CEO Akio Toyoda has resigned from the automotive giant that almost bears his family name.

Toyoda’s resignation comes in the immediate wake of Henrik Fisker’s resignation from the car company that does actually bear his name, a move that Toyoda says inspired his own.

“I didn’t realize that quitting was an option,” said Toyoda, speaking through an interpreter. “Then I heard that Henrik left Fisker, and I thought, fuck this, I’m out of here.”

Akio Toyoda is the great-granson of Sakichi Toyoda, who founded the Toyoda Automatic Loom Works in 1926. The company started producing automobiles in 1937, and had its name changed to Toyota when it came through Ellis Island shortly thereafter. Akio joined the family business in 1984, and took over as CEO after a series of non-family CEOs led to a string of boring cars, ill-tempered floor mats, and buyers who couldn’t tell the brake and accelerator pedals apart.

“When I was offered the presidency, I figured it was just something I had to do,” said Toyoda. “People hear your name and they say ‘Oh, like Toyota the car? Do you work for them? You ought to work for them.’ You try to explain to people that no, what you really want to be is a painter, but they just won’t listen. Finally I took a job with the company, so I could just say ‘Yes I do’ and be rid of these assholes, but then they started asking me which one is spelled wrong. God, do I hate people.”

Toyoda is generally regarded as a successful leader for his handling of the 2009-2010 recalls, which threatened to destroy the good will Toyota had built up with American customers over several decades. However, Toyoda now says his tenure was one of strife and internal struggle.

“Toyota builds some of the most reliable and unobtrusive cars in the world,” he said. “You think I wanted that to be my legacy? Hell no, I didn’t. I advocated for switching exclusively to V8 engines with no catalytic converters and glass-pack mufflers. CAFE standards? I’ll tell you what you can do with your CAFE standards, President Obammunist. Needless to say, I got a lot of pushback. This is what happens when you try to innovate.”

“It’s not like working for Toyota gets you girls or anything,” continued Toyoda after Autoblopnik had turned off its tape recorder, packed up its stuff, mumbled some thank-you-and-goodbye-noises and made it clear that it had to go, or at least we thought we did, but apparently not. “Enzo Ferrari used to get laid all the time. All he had to say was ‘Yes, as a matter of fact, I am that Ferrari.’ Ferdinand Porsche was up to his man-boobs in poon, although I think the fact that he knew Hitler helped him out. But when you tell girls you’re part of the Toyoda family, you can almost hear their thighs slam shut. All they want know is whether you can get their aunt a discount for oil changes on her Camry. Hey, you want to go get a beer? I’ve got a massage scheduled this evening, but other than that, my schedule is wide open.”

© Autoblopnik

BMW 428i Asshat Edition, yesterday

BMW today took the wraps off the first special edition of the upcoming 4-series coupe, the 428i Asshat Edition.

Aimed at traditional 3-series coupe buyers, the 428i Asshat Edition features gloss black or flat gray paint, a lowered suspension, 30″ chrome-clad alloy wheels rims with 255/10R30 Toyo Spine Destroyer tires, 5,000 watt stereo with quadruple subwoofers, deep-tinted windows that automatically open when the stereo volume is above 30%, and a Smoker’s Package. Turn signals have been eliminated, as they are considered unnecessary by the 428i Asshat Edition’s target buyers.

The 428i Asshat Edition will be powered by the same 240 horsepower turbocharged 4-cylinder found in the 328i, but will feature the buyer’s choice of “435i” or “M4″ trunk badges. Options include Radick Cruise Control, which detects cars in the left lane, blows past them on the right, then resumes a speed 2 MPH slower than however fast that car was going.

The 435i Asshat Edition will be available exclusively to single male customers under the age of 35 on a 24-month lease with monthly payments of $799 or 2/3rds of the lessor’s Home Electronics Superstore paycheck, whichever is greater.

Related: Study Says BMW Owners Are Not Selfish Assholes

© Autoblopnik

A 2012 2014 Honda Civic, yesterday

Just months after releasing an updated 2013 Civic to replace the critically panned 2012 Civic, Honda has announced that it plans to undo the 2013 changes for the 2014 Civic.

“We honestly felt the 2012 Civic wasn’t our best effort,” said Honda spokesmartin Martin “Chris” Chrismartin. “But we underestimated the herd mentality of Honda buyers. The sales success of the 2012 Civic was a real wake-up call for us. Sometimes you get so focused on the product that you forget your customer base is made up of mindless sheep.”

The 2012 Civic was derided by the press for its cheap interior, mediocre handling dynamics, and derivative styling. But it was a hit with consumers, with sales of the 2012 model exceeding the 2011 Civic by well over 40 percent, even in the face of tsunami-related parts shortages, fluctuations in the yen, and a tribe of psychotic dwarfs who would hide in the back seat and then pop up and smack the shit out of potential customers during their test drive.

Months before the 2012 Civic went on sale, Honda embarked on a “crash redesign” of the sedan, including new front and rear fascias, improved interior materials, and a recalibrated suspension. The Civic coupe was left unchanged because, according to Chrismartin, “We sort of forgot about it.”

Initial reviews of the 2012 Civic indicated that Honda had made the right decision, Chrismartin told Autoblopnik, but early sales numbers proved the changes were unnecessary.

“We spent a lot of money per car updating the interior, when we could have just kept feeding our buyers the same old shit we’ve been serving up since the 1980s,” he lamented.

The sales success of the 2012 Honda Civic was an embarrassment for Consumer Reports Magazine, which said the car “scored too low in our tests to be recommended.”

“I believe in that same issue we also said that Kenmore washers were made of radioactive squirrel turds and that Wisconsin governor Scott Walker’s brain was being controlled by robots from the planet Beyalazak,” said Consumer Reports COO Larry Bunin-Oven. “Clearly, we were having a bad month.”

Asked if Honda had any changes planed for 2015, Chrismartin insisted Honda is “done futzing with the Civic,” and added, “Frankly, we’ve got our hands full with all the stuff we fucked up on the 2013 Accord, and we’re pretty sure everyone is going to hate the Fit-based sport utility that we have coming year after next. Don’t worry, we have plenty to keep us busy.”

Related: Honda redesigns Civic to please people who won’t buy it

© Autoblopnik