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Porsche charged in Corvette Museum sinkhole and frame-up

The Corvette museum before the disaster, yesterday

The Corvette museum before the disaster, yesterday

The Bowling Green District Attorney announced today that Porsche has been arrested and charged in relation to the sinkhole that opened up under the National Corvette Museum, swallowing eight vehicles and several pieces of Corvette memorabilia, including an irreplaceable collection of mustache combs.

Though the initial cause of the disaster was determined to be natural, Bowling Green Chief of Police Chee Fuvpulees told Autoblopnik that clues at the scene pointed to foul play, most likely by rival company Ford. Investigators found Mustang tire tracks on the grass and a note in the wreckage that read “This is what happens when you make a Camaro more powerful than the Shelby Mustang, you bow-tie bastards!”

“We thought it was an open and shut case, but Ford’s alibi checked out,” Fuvpulees said. “Ford claimed to be in the lab trying to figure out how to make the Fusion Hybrid actually get 47 MPG.”

Fuvpulees said the big break came when they were investigating the mechanism that caused the sinkhole.

“We focused our initial investigation in the area of the 1984 PPG pace car, since that’s where the sinkhole appears to have opened up,” he said. “But one of our agents found a remnants of a small explosive device near the ZR-1 Blue Devil prototype, which was one of the last cars to fall in. When we realized the device that made it go was located in precisely the wrong spot, we knew without a doubt that Porsche was behind the whole thing.”

Through cell phone records, police traced Porsche to a small motel on the banks of the Incest River, just a few miles from the museum in Bowling Green. Fuvpulees said Porsche was sitting on the porch, reading a copy of Henry Ford’s Jewish Influence in American Life, and was arrested without incident. The DA says Porsche will be charged with willful destruction of property, conspiracy to blame a sinkhole on someone else, and wrecking Corvettes out of season.

“I wanted to teach them a lesson about making a cheap sports car as good as the 911,” Porsche said as it was being led away in handcuffs. “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!”

The National Corvette Museum announced that General Motors Design had volunteered to assist in the restoration of the damaged Corvettes.

“This is why we made them out of cheap-ass plastic and fiberglass,” said GM VP of Design Ed Wontburn. “A little duct tape, a little Krazy Glue, a little touch-up paint, and they’ll be good as new.”

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to RR and hats off to General Motors for stepping up and helping out!

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Iconic folk singer Bob Dylan sues Chrysler over Super Bowl ad

Someone who might or might not be Bob Dylan in a Super Bowl ad, yesterday

A man wearing an ill-fitting suit appearing in a Super Bowl ad, yesterday

Days after Chrysler showed its “American Pride” ad during the Super Bowl, iconic folk singer Bob Dylan has filed a lawsuit against the automaker for using his likeness without authorization.

“The iconic Mr. Dylan had no connection whatsoever to Chrysler’s Super Bowl ad,” said iconic folk singer Bob Dylan’s attorney, Dillon Zaterney. “Chrysler used a combination of archive footage, CGI, and a marginally-talented voice actor to create an unauthorized likeness of iconic folk singer Bob Dylan, who was not consulted with or paid for this implied endorsement.”

Chrysler issued a statement denying that the actor appearing in the commercial was meant to bear any resemblance to the iconic folk singer Bob Dylan, but instead was intended to represent “a mainstream member of American society, someone who likes playing folk music, despises combs, and buys clothing from stores that don’t have any mirrors.”

“No reasonable person would think the gentleman in our ad is iconic folk singer Bob Dylan,” Chrysler spokesinger Katherine Graham-Cracker told Autoblopnik. “The fact that you can understand every single word he says is a dead giveaway.”

Autoblopnik was granted a brief interview with iconic solk finger Bob Dylan, who told us, “Neh me zah de maah, men, zoo ba doo wah. Mah neh zaah de maah, zeh beem nyah,” then added, “Neh wah? Nyah men zaaah.”

Neither side would reveal the details of the lawsuit, but Attorney Zaterny told us that iconic folk singer Bob Dylan would consider a new 2015 Chrysler 200 in lieu of a monetary settlement, explaining that “Mr. Dylan has always loved Italian cars.”

In related news, the Volkswagen Group is reportedly contemplating a lawsuit over the same commercial, alleging that Chrysler used an unauthorized likeness of the Audi A7.

© Autoblopnik

Detroit auto show to tighten media credential requirements

Some people at an auto show, yesterday

Some people at an auto show, yesterday

Officials from the North American Interfaith Auto Show said they are considering stricter standards for media credentials after repeated clashes between journalists and industrial spies engineers at this year’s Detroit press preview.

“We have journalists who are trying to report on the vehicles,” explained NAIAS spokesmeasurer Dick Blocker, “and we have engineers taking measurements, detailed photographs and extensive notes, and the two are constantly getting each other’s way. It’s time to make a tough decision, and our decision is that the journalists have go to go.”

Gong Yee Jian-die, an employee of the Pacific Center for Automotive Studies in China, told Autoblopnik through a translator that journalists are becoming an ever-increasing problem.

“It’s upsetting,” he said, “because these ‘journalists’ get press releases ahead of time and are not prevented by their government from downloading pictures on the Internet. Me, I have just one opportunity to get all the measurements on these cars. If they don’t complete their assignment, they have other people to cover for them. If I don’t complete my assignment, my family will be sent to a re-education camp.”

Asked why he couldn’t just attend the industry preview that follows the media preview, Jian-die said, “And pay $95 instead of just pretending to be journalists so we can get into the show for free? As if!”

Blocker defended the auto show’s defense of engineers over journalists.

“We have to ask ourselves who is of more value to the auto show: A journalist reporting details to the general public, only a small percentage of whom will buy the car, or an engineer feeding vital information to car companies and suppliers, 100% of whom will build cars. The car companies are our clients, and that’s the bottom line.”

Zai Gai Fangshi, chief engineer for China’s Geely Automotive Perfunctory Happening, defended the work that engineers do at auto shows.

“These subversive journalists say, ‘Oh, he’s just some leech with a camera and a clipboard who is in my way,’” Fangshi told Autoblopnik. “But when the next XC90 has an interior like a Mercedes and drives like an Audi, you can thank that leech with the camera and the clipboard.”

Journalist Keifer Buglorwarowicz of Motor Trend Automotive.com Goat Farmer Weekly KBB.com viewed the potential changes with equanimity.

“Frankly, we can save a lot of time and expense by staying home,” Buglerawitz told Autoblopnik. “All I have to do is live-stream the press conferences with the volume turned up to ear-splitting levels and ask a couple of interns to stand between me and the computer whenever I try to download a photo. It’s just like being at the show.”

© Autoblopnik

More Detroit show highlights

Fortunately, Autoblopnik had a second reporter covering the press preview at this year’s North American Interdenominational Auto Show. We hesitantly present his report on the show’s highlights.

AUDI ALLROAD SHOOTING BRAKE CONCEPT

Audi Allroad Shitting Brick

Audi Allroad Shitting Brick

Audi says this small wagon is the upcoming replacement for the TT, an announcement that the assembled journalists reacted to as if it made perfect sense. Audi has not revealed how much it paid Volvo for the C30 tooling.

BMW 2-SERIES
We were unable to get close enough to this car to get photos or information, but from a distance it looks a lot like a throng of Chinese men with tape measures, cameras, and notepads.

CADILLAC ATS COUPE

Cadillac ATS Coupe

Cadillac ATS Coupe

The ATS Coupe premiered to rousing cheers and a standing ovation, until the assembled journalists realized they were looking at the Elmiraj concept. They were directed to turn their cameras towards “the anonymous-looking blue car over there.” Cadillac described the ATS Coupe’s styling as “clean and conservative,” which is design-speak for “We wanted to hurry up and get it done so we could get home in time to see the season premiere of Downton Abbey.”

CHEVROLET CORVETTE Z06

Chevrolet Corvette Z06

Chevrolet Corvette Z06

Autoblopnik had arranged for an exclusive demonstration of the new Z06′s supercharged engine, but the thigh-deep puddle of drool from other journalists shorted out the car’s electrical system and it wouldn’t start. GM spokesvetter Teddy Radical said that the Z06′s on-sale date is being timed to coincide with the peak of the media frenzy surrounding the car, which means it should arrive in showrooms in the third quarter of 2027.

CHRYSLER 200

Chrysler 200

Chrysler 200

The all-new 200 is based on the same Alfa-Romeo platform as the Dodge Dart, with styling that evokes Chrysler’s golden years of the 1990s. Asked about the primary differences between the new 200 and the outgoing car, a Chrysler spokesguy said, “Well, for starters, this one won’t be a complete and utter piece of shit.”

GMC CANYON

GMC Colorado

GMC Colorado

BILL: Copy and paste whatever I wrote about the Chevrolet Colorado at the LA show, just swap “GMC” for “Chevrolet” and “Canyon” for “Colorado”. The knuckle-dragging cretins who read our site will never know the difference. Just be sure to remove this note before you publish the story! – Otto

HYUNDAI GENESIS

Hyundai Genequusis

Hyundai Genequusis

We’d thought we’d already seen this car at the Los Angeles auto show, until Hyundai spokeshower Miles Horseford told us that was actually the Equus. He gave us a quick tip on how to tell them apart: “The Genesis has a narrower, more tapered grille,” he said, “and the Equus has a ridiculous name and non-existent sales.” The Krafcik impersonator who presented the car said the new Equus Genesis will be priced under $40,000, just like the outgoing car. “The key to keeping people loyal to the Hyundai brand,” he told Autoblopnik, “is to constantly remind them that no matter how hard they try, they will never be able to afford anything better.”

INFINITI Q50 EAU DE TOILETTE

Infiniti Q50 Eau Rogue concept

Infiniti Q50 Eau Rogue concept

Infiniti introduced a new shade of red paint, which comes standard with the modified Q50 seen beneath it. Infiniti boss Johann Q. DeNysschnnen would not say exactly what engine was under the hood, only that “it might be a 500-plus horsepower, 600-plus pound-foot, V-type forced-induction engine, and while that may sound an awful lot like the engine from the Nissan GT-R, I’m not saying it is.” He then touched his finger to his nose and gave the audience an exaggerated wink. An Infiniti spokesperson told Autoblopnik that the car will actually be powered by the 2.5 liter V6 from the G25.

KIA GT-4 STINGER

Kia GT4 Stinger

Kia GT4 Stinger

Five years after the introduction of the Hyundai Genesis Coupe, Kia hinted that they just might have a rear-drive sports car with a two-liter turbocharged engine in the works. Journalists in the audience did an impressive job of feigning surprise.

MERCEDES S600

Mercedes S600

Mercedes S600

The new V12-powered Mercedes S-Class comes standard with a leather interior, four-zone climate control, and a banana republic in Central Africa. Unfortunately, our attempts to approach the S600 for a closer look were foiled by a burly man in an expensive suit with a thick Russian accent, who told us, “S600? No S600 here. I think I saw it over by Toyota stand. Move along, comrade.”

NISSAN SPORT SEDAN CONCEPT

Nissan Sport Sedan Concept

Nissan Sport Sedan Concept

Though Nissan didn’t come right out and say it, the Sport Sedan Concept is considered by most to be a preview of styling cues for the next-generation Maxima. All those who were worried that Nissan might break with tradition and start designing attractive cars can breath a sigh of relief. Nissan has reportedly considered removing the car during public days because the gaping-mouth grille frightens the children.

PORSCHE 911 TARGA

Porsche 911 Toga

Porsche 911 Toga

Porsche spokesperson Kimberly Calvin described the 911 Targa as “a 911 Cabriolet with a big metal bar where the sun ought to be.” Despite having castigated convertibles like the Chrysler PT Cruiser, Oldsmobile Cutlass, and Suzuki X90 for a similar design, the media gave the 911 Targa a warm reception, which leads us to believe the press drive must be taking place someplace very nice. Porsche used the 911 Targa press conference to announce their new tagline, “Porsche: Because You’ll Buy Anything That Says Porsche On It.”

SUBARU WRX STI

Subaru WRX STI

Subaru WRX STI

After spending three months explaining to the media why the new WRX does not have gold wheels or a big wing on the trunk lid, Subaru introduced an all-new WRX STI with gold wheels and a big wing on the trunk lid.

TOYOTA FT-1 CONCEPT

Toyota FT-1

Toyota FT-1

This stunning sports car concept had show attendees speculating that Toyota is planning a new Supra in the not-too-distant future. “Naturally, we cannot comment on future products, or lack thereof,” Toyota spokesman Wide Hate told Autoblopnik, “but if people want to dream, let them dream. Remember, these are the same people who assumed that the big wheels on the Furia concept meant the next Corolla would be good to drive. Why spoil their illusions?”

VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE DUNE CONCEPT

Volkswagen Beetle of Doom

Volkswagen Beetle of Doom

In an effort to boost the Beetle’s new macho image, Volkswagen showed this concept, which it called “a Baja Bug for the 21st Century.” Voted Best In Show by the Michigan Gay Men’s Choir.

© Autoblopnik

2014 Detroit Show highlights

The Detroit show during better days, yesterday

The Detroit show during better days, yesterday

We sent our man Clifton Faghands to report on the 2014 North American International Auto Show.

I’m just back from the Detroit show, where attendance was up but the mood was subdued at best.

MERCEDES: Once again, the Germans put on a fantastic event with exquisite hors d’oeurves and strong coffee. And they kept the riff-raff out — all of the tables were occupied by journalists who had been in the business for at least twenty years.

HYUNDAI: As always, the afterparty at Slow’s BBQ was the highlight of the show for me. A full belly is just what I need to report on whatever car it was they showed… Genesomething? That said, the service was a little slow. They need to bring back that thin grey-haired guy who used to tend the bar.

GENERAL MOTORS: Rather sad, really. A lot of people were talking about the car they revealed (Canyon Z06 coupe), but I was dismayed at the press kit. I got three hundred bucks on eBay for last year’s Stingray take-home, but this thing won’t fetch ten bucks! How did such a great company fall so far, so fast?

PORSCHE: A class act. Never has a lunche left me so full or so satisfied. I’m confident that the 911 Target is going to be a strong seller.

Clifton’s report went on for another six pages, but you get the idea.

© Autoblopnik

FTC threatens auto show crackdown

A car being revealed at last year's Detroit show, yesterday

A car being revealed at last year’s Detroit show, yesterday

The Federal Trade Commission announced that it is keeping a close eye on this week’s North American International Auto Shrimpfest in Detroit, and that it may press charges or initiate sanctions against both auto show management and the manufacturers that display there.

“It’s a matter of false advertising and misrepresentation,” said Fed Bureaucrat, a Level IV Second Investigator 3rd Class Part B Subsection 23c Junior Grade A Minus for the FTC. “You’ve got automakers saying they are ‘premiering’ or ‘revealing’ a new vehicle, when it seems that the photos, specs and details of these vehicles have been previously distributed to any freeloading hack who had the good sense to ask for them. ‘Premiere,’ my ass.”

“It’s true that a select few journalists have seen Detroit debuts like our new Corvette Z06,” acknowledged Chevrolet PR flack Monty Hall. “But that’s a select few, and by ‘select few’ I mean all the ones who matter to us and none of the ones who gave us all that ‘we’re-not-going-to-honor-embargoes-unless-it-suits-us’ bullshit. I guarantee that out of the thousands of journalists and pseudo-journalists here at the Detroit show press days, there will be at least a half-dozen who have not seen the new Z06. You can ask them yourselves. You’ll find them selling the press kits on eBay the day after the show.”

Bureaucrat said the FTC is also considering secondary action against automakers for presenting so-called “concept cars” that are just production models with shaved-off door handles and cameras in place of the side-view mirrors.

“Come fucking on,” he said.

Asked if he thought Government intervention is needed, Chevrolet’s Hall told Autoblopnik, “Absolutely not. The Government should never get involved in the running of the auto business, except for minor matters like becoming a part owner in order to keep an ailing company from going under.”

Autoblopnik’s sometimes correspondent Clifton Faghands weighed in on the issue, saying, “It’s not like this is some big secret. The car companies have always given us embargoed information so we can write our stories in the office before we even leave for the show. That way we can concentrate on important matters like finding out who has the best lunch buffet, where the best parties are happening, and who is giving C-listers free rides to Geneva. That’s the real reason to go to shows like Detroit: to find out what they won’t tell you before the press preview.”

© Autoblopnik

General Motors lets a woman drive

Mary Barra flashes that sexy smile, yesterday

Mary Barra flashes that sexy smile, yesterday

General Motors is preparing for Mary Barra to take over as the first female CEO in the company’s 106-year history.

“There’s this perception that General Motors is run by boring old white men in boring gray suits,” said General Motors spokesuit Teddy “Free” Rhadical. “Now the world will see General Motors being run by a woman in a skirt. And let me tell you, when Mary wears a skirt, it sure as hell ain’t boring! High five! You know what I’m talkin’ about!”

Current CEO Dan Ackerson told Autoblopnik he firmly believes that Barra is the woman who is most qualified to run GM.

“Mary has a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering, an MBA from Stanford, and a caboose that could make the Pope stay home from mass,” he said. “Let’s just say she’s perfect for the head position! Get it? Head position? Yeah, baby! Lemmie tell you, the Virgin Mary, she ain’t!”

Dan Akerson describes the effect Mary Barra has on him, yesterday

Dan Akerson describes the effect Mary Barra has on him, yesterday

Cardigan immediately denied that Ackerson’s comments implied any form of personal relationship between Barra and Ackerson.

“Listen, even if Dan did nail that tail — and I’m not in any way saying he did, but could you blame him for trying? — the fact is you cannot sleep your way to the top of General Motors. Just ask Carlos Tavares.”

“Truth is, there’s never been a better time to have a gal run General Motors,” Ackerson said. “We’ve redesigned the bulk of our most significant vehicles, and we have enough new product in the pipeline to carry us through 2016. The government loans are just about repaid and the ledger looks good. We can coast for the next couple of years while the little lady takes the helm. Of course, once we get to the point where we need to do some heavy lifting, we’ll give her a golden pat on the ass and put a man back in charge.”

UPDATE: Um, yeah, so… the purpose of this article was to point out the inherent sexism in an industry which is chock full of talented female executives and has been for some years, and yet is only just now getting around to putting one in charge. A few people saw it as sexist and misogynistic, and a bunch more saw it in poor taste. Apologies to all who found it offensive. — Otto

© Autoblopnik

Ask ActualSigma.com

The ActualSmegma.com logo, yesterday

The ActualSmegma.com logo, yesterday

ActualSigma.com is a web site that provides analysis-based data to help buyers find the right new car. Site founder and pedantic self-described genius David Koresh has graciously agreed to answer our readers’ car-buying questions.

Dear ActualSigma,

I am trying to decide between a Honda CR-V and a Chevrolet Equinox. Can you tell me which is the better vehicle?

Sincerely,
Confused in Cincinatti

Dear Confiscated,

Of course I can! That’s why I created my web site, ActualSigma.com. Most car sites are full of superficial bullshit. They don’t give you the real facts. They’re afraid of the real facts. Oh, sure, they’ll tell you which car has a bigger cargo compartment or a roomier back seat or crisper turn-in, but where’s the real data? The important data? Only ActualSigma.com drills down and sums up the actual data, the things you need to know to make an informed buying decision. Which car has a higher tire loading per square inch of cargo pounds carried? Which averages fewer warranty repairs per turn-signal click-ounce? How will a sudden drop in temperature affect the viscosity of the glove-compartment-hinge grease? You won’t find critical details like that in Car and Driver, and yet those assholes are the ones who get the free test cars and all-expense-paid press trips to Barcelona, while I have to resort to washing and waxing cars at the local dealership so I can test drive them between the showroom and the back lot.

Sorry, did you ask me something about a RAV4?

Dear ActualSigma,

I am a stay-at-home mom with two kids and a third on the way. I want to buy a Toyota Highlander, but my husband thinks we should get a Dodge Challenger. Which car is best for us?

Thank you,
Betsy in Burbank

Dear Busty,

Questions like yours are exactly why I started ActualSigma.com! Ordinary car sites would tell you right off the bat to buy the Highlander, but they lack the technology we have. Only ActualSigma.com has the tools to give you a true needs analysis. Since you have children, you are no doubt concerned about interior durability, so you’ll want to consider our exclusive Cabin Plastics and Fabrics Scuffingness Index. You get lots of snow up there in Buffalo, so it’s important to check out our Traction Per Pound Of Horsepower comparisons, and of course you don’t want to have your car break down at a time when your husband can’t come to get you, so you should take a careful look at our Mechanical Incidents per Month-Pound of Aluminum Content Indicator.

When I run the calculations through our patented ActualSigma.com Best Car Finder For You Yes We Mean You™ computerized algorithm, the data analysis tells me that the best car for your family is a Smart ForTwo Cabriolet.

By the way, would you mind emailing me some pictures of yourself at nine months?

Dear ActualSigma,

I recently test-drove a BMW 335i and a Lexus IS350 F-Sport. I bought the BMW because I thought it would help me get girls, but my friends are telling me that the Lexus is a better car and the BMW makes me look like a douchebag. Did I buy the wrong one?

Best wishes,
BMW Buyer’s Remorse

Dear BM,

Christ on Earth, why do I even bother writing ActualSigma.com when you people can’t be bothered to fucking read it? If you had checked out ActualSigma.com before you made such an idiotic purchase, you would know that the Lexus is the better car. Not only does the Lexus have an additional 0.65 square inch-ounces of swept disc clamping force, but its 3.5 liter V6 develops a peak cylinder BMEP that is 0.06% higher than the BMW’s inline turbo six is capable of developing, plus it’s less likely to end up in the shop with a camshaft problem on the third rainy Thursday of any month with an R in it. It’s true, our data does show that the BMW is 56% more likely to attract women with large breasts and loose morals who will give up the goods on the first date, but I’m married to my junior high school sweetheart and if you ask me, sex is highly overrated. We gave it up after a couple of failed attempts.

And yeah, the BMW makes you look like a total douchebag.

Any resemblance between Mr. Koresh’s name and that of a famous cult leader is strictly coincidental but only partly unintentional. Another great idea ripped off from SniffPetrol.com.

© Autoblopnik

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Porsche announces 918 Spyder Webcam Experience

The Porsche 918 Spyder is lonely and waiting for your call, yesterday

The Porsche 918 Spyder is lonely and waiting for your call, yesterday

Porsche has announced a new pilot program in which buyers will be able to experience the new 918 Spyder through a webcam service.

“The 918 Spyder is one of the most desirable cars ever created,” said Porsche spokescammer Calvin Klein, “and we realize that only a select few people will ever be lucky or rich enough to have their own 918. But that doesn’t mean that those of lesser means can’t have a little taste, which is why we are offering the 918 Webcam Experience. For a modest fee, the ordinary Joe can fantasize about what it’s like to be with a car like the 918 Spyder.”

Porsche will offer several 918 Spyder Webcam Experience packages. The basic package, priced at $2.99 per minute, allows the viewer to look at the 918 Spyder as it rotates on a turntable. Seeing the 918 Spyder with its top removed costs an extra $2 per minute.

For $7.99 per minute, viewers may take control of the turntable and rotate it to the angle of their choosing. A high-end package, priced at $14.99 per minute, allows a viewer to have the 918 Spyder parked in any position he wishes, and he may turn on his microphone and speak to the 918 Spyder.

Porsche plans also sell items related to the webcam sessions ranging from still photographs from the session ($29.99 for three different poses) to a floor tile from the shoot with an authentic 918 tire track ($159.99).

Porsche says the 918 Webcam program will available exclusively to adults over 21 with a valid credit card, and will not be offered in Texas, Missouri, or Nova Scotia due to conflicts with local decency laws.

© Autoblopnik.com – another great idea stolen from SniffPetrol

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