Elon Musk predicts killer robots

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, founder and chief sensational headline generator at Tesla Motors, today further directed attention away from the company’s tenuous financial situation by predicting that killer robots could destroy humanity “…in the five year time frame, 10 years at most.”

In a conversation at a Vanity Fair conference, Musk reportedly told an interviewer that killer robots, like most electronic annoyances, could start in email.

“If its [function] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam,” Musk allegedly said, “and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans…” He then trailed off as loud, ominous music played in the background.

In a comment that was reportedly posted and then reportedly deleted from Edge.org, Musk reportedly went on to reportedly describe how a robot invasion might reportedly happen.

“It’s very likely that these killer robots would network together and decide to eliminate humanity by setting off nuclear bombs,” he said. “I’m sure there would be a resistance movement of surviving humans, but if the robots figure out how to travel back in time and kill the leaders, mankind could be doomed. Especially if they send a particularly brawny robot with an Austrian accent and a yen for politics.”

Asked how humans could best survive such an onslaught, Musk said, “We need to get a bunch of hydraulic presses and as many vats of molten metal as we can find and put them everywhere. Those are the only sure way to kill time-traveling robots. Of course, that might not stop them. The robots would probably develop all sorts of new technology, like liquid metal and totally hot female robots that are all like, ‘Hey, look at my bewbs, aren’t they nice? HAH, I just stabbed you with my liquid metal finger that turned into a knife!’ I’m sure they’ll make at least four attempts before people decide they are tired of time-traveling robots and the robots just give up.”

Asked what his proposed solution to the problem was, Musk said, “I’d suggest we get some prima donna actor to throw a temper tantrum and scream at a poor crew member for no good reason, then post it to YouTube. For whatever reason, that seems to keep the killer robots away for years at a time.”

Tesla stock prices fell by two and a half points today as company managers scrampbled to figure out who let Elon have access to a computer with Internet connectivity.

© Autoblopnik.com

Mercedes announces new sub-brands

A little piece of a Mercedes that says Maybach on it, yesterday

A little piece of a Mercedes that says Maybach on it, yesterday

Mercedes-Benz USA announced today that they will launch several new sub-brands and a new model naming convention, proving that even a stable, successful business plan is not immune to corporate fuckery.

“Our first new sub-brand vill be called Mercedes-Maybach,” said Mercedes brand manager Brent Meneger. “Ze press complained zat ze previous Maybach was too much like ze S-Class, vich was our plan all along, but ze subtlety vas lost on ze dummkopf Americans. So zis time we haf decided to make it more obvious.”

Meneger said the new Mercedes-Maybach S-Class will be “like an S-Class, but nicer, and it vill say ‘Maybach’ on it.” Asked if he could provide details, Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “Vat are you talking about? Zose are ze details.”

Dropping the fake German accent, Meneger explained the next sub-brand that Mercedes would add to its lineup.

“It’s called Mercedes-Shitzenwekre, and it will focus on building thirty-year-old Mercedes 300Ds with obnoxiously slow non-turbocharged diesel engines,” he said. “The cars will come from the factory with dented bodywork and 400,000 break-in miles on the odometer, and they will be sold exclusively to retired doctors who wear smug expressions and fuzzy sweaters.

“The third brand will be called Mercedes-Wannabe,” Meneger continued. “The Mercedes-Wannabe line will consist of black CLS350s with 24″ rims and the badges pried off so people will think they are CLS 63 AMGs. ”

Meneger went on to explain that Mercedes-Wannabe will use a non-traditional lease model based on that of the Ferrari FXX. Customers can call ahead when they want to drive their car, which they will pick up half a block from the trendy restaurant or nightclub of their choice so that they can be seen pulling up to the valet. Once they are done maxing out their credit cards buying overpriced alcohol for women who wouldn’t sleep with them if they had Brad Pitt’s looks, Wilt Chamberlain’s libido, and Carlos Slim’s bank balance, they can pick up the car at the valet, drive around the corner, return it to a Mercedes-Benz representative, and then drive home in whatever piece of shit they can actually afford.

Mercedes also announced a new naming convention, in which all of their SUVs will be named after a boxy Volvo of the 1980s.

“Frankly, we’re not sure how that happened,” Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “but I have heard reports that Johan DeNysschen has been seen sneaking around our corporate headquarters.”

© Autoblopnik.com

Related: Mercedes relaunched Maybach as budget-priced shitbox

Autoblopnik reports from SEMA

Aftermarket products on display at the SEMA show, yesterday

Aftermarket products on display at the SEMA show, yesterday

This week, the Specialty Equipment Manufacturing Association Show, better know as SEMA, is taking place in Las Vegas, Nevada. Closed to the general public, SEMA provides a unique opportunity for manufacturers of aftermarket vehicle parts to pay copious amounts of money for the privilege of showing their newest products to their competitors.

A typical SEMA attendee is Tim Fartzrite, owner of Fartzrite Kustomz in Unfortunate Fallz, Wiskonsin, who told Autoblopnik.com, “This was by far the best SEMA show I’ve ever attended! I got five free hats, a couple of free T-shirts, four free magazines, at least two dozen free pens, and a bunch of free stickers, plus I ate at least fifteen pounds of free candy. It was well worth the $2,800 I paid for plane tickets, hotel, and show admission.”

Along with product displays and crowds of people who specialize in walking slowly and stopping without warning or reason, attendees enjoyed the educational opportunities provided by SEMA’s many seminars. This year’s topics included “Small Business Survival in the New Regulatory Environment,” “The EPA and You: You’re Fucked,” “Ten Signs Your Escort Has Venereal Disease,” and “Telling Your Spouse You Lost The Kids’ College Fund at the Blackjack Table: Best Practices”.

This year’s SEMA show featured a special display area for new exhibitors. Companies occupying the tent special pavilion included:

  • Fengbung Wu Xiang Tire Concern Ltd., which makes shoddily-engineered tires for poorly-maintained trucks and buses.
  • Shen Win Fun Bang Ltd. Co, which produces low-cost suspension parts without the high overhead associated with environmentally-friendly manufacturing methods, child labor laws, and proper metallurgy.
  • Wing Sheng Ghenxiou Raptor Star Industry Electricated LLC, which imports and sells LED lighting accessories and young Chinese women.
  • Flowz-Rite, an Illinois-based manufacturer of tubular exhaust headers that has learned a valuable lesson about booking a cheap booth at SEMA.

“Yes, SEMA is a very important show for me,” said Dick Smasher, owner of Dick Smasher’z Tuner Partz, responding to Autoblopnik.com‘s question about whether SEMA was a very important show for him. “Buying an overpriced booth so I can give out thousands of expensive brochures to people who will look at then once and then throw them away is vital to the success of my business. Besides, the novelty of writing off hookers, vodka and baccarat as business expenses never gets old.”

© Autoblopnik

Ford counters Chevy campaign

A Ford F-150 with turbo sand shit, yesterday

A Ford F-150 with turbo sand shit, yesterday

Just days after Chevrolet launched the “Technology and Stuff” campaign based on a televised gaffe by a nervous staff member, Ford has announced a new slogan of their own, “Turbos and Shit”.

“Chevy’s new trucks may have ‘Technology and Stuff,'” Ford spokesstuffer Sid Deet told a crowd of passers-by near her office in Dearborn, “But ‘Stuff’ won’t give you better performance or towing capability. If you want a truck that can really deliver, you need the all-new 2015 Ford F-150, which has Turbos and Shit.”

Unlike Chevrolet, Ford does not plan to use the new slogan as a hashtag.

“We did try sending out a tweet that said ‘New F-150 has #turbosandshit,'” explained Ford social media guru Scott “The Full” Monty, “but we got a bunch of replies asking what turbo sand shit was and why anyone would want it in their new pickup truck.”

Industry analysts said they thought Ford’s new slogan would resonate with consumers.

“Our research shows that when consumers are asked about Ford pickup trucks, they do associate them with turbos,” said Paul Eisensteinstatysteinstienstadtdtdt, chief multi-part-question-asker at The Detroit Bookie. “Unfortunately for Ford, they also associate them with shit.”

© Autoblopnik

UPDATE: Chrysler has announced their own new slogan, “Polystyrene or Objects,” proving that they don’t understand anything about anything.

PR flack leaves industry, speaks her mind

Bev Bragalicious and a journalist, yesterday

Bev Bragalicious with a journalist, yesterday

PR spokesbabe Bev Bragalicious recently announced that she will be leaving her position with Mazda a major Japanese automaker, and has decided to tell journalists exactly what she thinks of them and the industry.

“Now that I need no longer worry about the consequences of speaking freely, I can finally say what’s on my mind,” Bragalicious told Autoblopnik.com in an exclusive interview. “And I just want to say that you’re all a bunch of really great people and I’m going to miss you terribly.”

“Bragalicious was one of the finest bloody cat-herders we ever employed, wot,” said Mazda some Japanese car company spokesbrit Sir Jeremy Barns-Wilkington Pembroke XVII, Fourth Earl of Irvine-on-Dumpster. “When we were trying to convince people that the Mazdaspeed3’s torque steer was a good thing, Bev went out and actually bought one of the sodding things. She could have had a GTI, and yet she blew twenty-five grand on that crap-can in the name of PR. Now that’s impressive. Or stupid. Take your pick, guv.”

We asked Bragalicious if it was hard to keep her feelings to herself during her tenure as a bullshit artist public relations spokeswoman.

“Of course it was difficult,” she said. “There I was telling the journalists they were a bunch of freeloading worthless whiners who did nothing but waste my time, when the truth was I just wanted to tell them what a wonderful group of people they were and how much I loved them. It’s emotionally exhausting to glare at people and pretend you’re going to punch them in the throat when what you really want to do is give them a great big hug.

“Although I spent my entire career pretending I hated everyone and everything,” she continued, “the truth is that there isn’t a single journalist I wouldn’t invite over to my house for a beer and a hand job. Well, except for Don Bufamante.”

Autoblopnik.com wishes The Braga the best of luck in her future endeavors. You will be missed. And you’ll probably be back to kick our asses.


GM announces ebola-related recall

An outbreak of General Motors vehicles, yesterday

An outbreak of General Motors vehicles, yesterday

General Motors Corporation announced today that it would recall a large number of cars and trucks which may be related to the current spread of the ebola virus.

“We have reason to believe that several of the latest ebola victims either owned, drove, rode in, or saw a General Motors vehicle,” said GM representative Eric Beauregard “E-Bo” LaVirus. “In the interest of safety, we think it’s best to assume that the outbreak of this dreadful disease is somehow related to our products.”

Though LaVirus said there was no clinical evidence tying the outbreak to GM’s cars and trucks, he said there was plenty of opportunity for the vehicles to be involved in the spread of the disease.

“Perhaps someone on the air conditioning assembly line had ebola and drooled into the pollen filters,” he told Autiblopnik.com, “or maybe ebola was inadvertently engineered into the cars as some sort of a cost-saving measure. You never really know, but here at General Motors, we’ve learned to assume the worst.”

Asked how many vehicles GM would recall in relation to the ebola scare, LaVirus said the number had yet to be determined, but that “it will probably be a figure in the neighborhood of all of them.”

“Of course, we have no firm proof that these vehicles were the source of the current ebola outbreak,” LaVirus added. “But if there’s one thing the past couple of years has taught us, it’s that if something goes horribly wrong in the world, it’s probably GM’s fault.”

© Autoblopnik.com

Company creates videos for complete idiots

A story pitch received by Autoblonik yesterday, yesterday

A story pitch received by Autoblonik yesterday, yesterday

A company that has something to do with British license plates has created a pair of instructional videos for their customers, who they apparently think are complete fucking idiots.

News of the videos came in the form of an e-mail story pitch which, for reasons that the sender will no doubt have a difficult time explaning in her upcoming disciplinary review, was sent to Autoblopnik.com.

“Our new videos present a comprehensive guide to removing your old number plate and putting on a new one,” said a company spokesperson, speaking slowly and using lots of illustrations and hand gestures.

“This is a highly intense task that involves complex tools such as a screwdriver,” she continued. “Our videos provide useful safety tips, such advising the viewer to place the tip of the screwdriver against the slot in the screw instead of ramming it into their ear. We also remind the viewer that the number plate should be attached to the car rather than placed atop a church spire in South Harrow.”

The videos, which can be seen here and here, were produced to promote whatever it is the site is selling, which wasn’t clearly spelled out in the story pitch received by Autoblopnik.com. The solicitation did, however, contain a generous offer to write the story for us should we find ourselves too lazy to do it on our own.

“We plan a whole series of instructional videos for the less-than-bright,” explained the spokeswoman. “Our next video will be aimed at junior-level public relations workers, advising them to take a few minutes to read through a web site before sending them a PR pitch, and that using the recipient’s first name will not fool a savvy journalist into thinking this is anything but a cut-and-paste job, especially when the email contains grammatical errors including glaring subject-verb disagreements and no fewer than three different font sizes.

“Our goal is to help them avoid doing anything monumentally stupid that could injure themselves or their career,” she continued, “such as accidentally zip-tying their fingers to their own car or pitching a tantalizingly ridiculous story to a parody web site in a different country.”

© Autoblopnik.com