Sponsored Content: Automotive Cheese

A set of 20-inch wheels, yesterday

A set of 20-inch wheels, yesterday

When you think of the materials that go into making automobiles, you probably think of metal, glass and plastic. But what about cheese? Automotive-grade cheese is a vital part of making cars lighter, safer, and more fuel-efficient.


1) Automotive grade cheese is 18% lighter by volume than aluminum and nearly 67% lighter than steel.

2) It is estimated that a mid-size car with a body made entirely from cheese would see a 6 MPG increase in fuel economy based on weight savings. Reduced-fat cheese and some varieties of cheddar would provide even greater gains.

3) When added to rubber used to make tires, cheese provides for a tread surface that is more pliable in cold temperatures, improving both adhesion and taste.

4) Because cheese does not conduct electricity, it makes an excellent and cost-effective insulating material. It is far superior to rubber and plastic for long-term reliability because rodents will eat the cheese and leave the vehicle’s wiring intact.

5) Cheese is fully biodegradable. Recycling components made out of cheese is easy and inexpensive—simply rinse them off and serve them with crackers and wine.

Embrace the future and protect the environment. Insist on cheese in your next vehicle!

© Autoblopnik – Paid for by the Automotive Cheese Alliance of America

Tim The Car Expert reviews the Honda Civic

Please welcome the newest member of our editorial team, Tim The Car Expert, an automotive blogger who brings his weeks of experience to Autoblopnik.com.
Honda CIvic front 2

2015 Honda Civic review

Hand Him Some Celery, Virginia, And Maybe He’ll Go Away

by Tim The Car Expert

There are some cars that fill you with awe at their power, speed and beauty.

There are some cars that impress you with a sense of purpose.

There are some cars that remind you that the creation of the automobile need not be a science, but can be elevated to an art.

But rare—so very, very rare—are cars that do all three.

This is one of those cars.

This is the Honda Civic Sedan.

Let’s start with the styling: The sinewy sheetmetal of the sultry Civic cannot fail to impress. It is simple, stoic, and strong.

“Fear not the dark or the drunk,” the Honda Civic seems to say, “for I will deliver you to your destination in style, comfort, and impressive fuel economy that is among the best in its class.”

Every crease, every line, every detail seems as if it was placed with precise purpose. Headlights, side mirrors, door handles—everything that adorns this car appears as if it was put there for a reason.

Even the chrome strip on the grille, which could reflect a life-saving glint of sunlight into the eyes of a squirrel with faulty peripheral vision, stopping it from making a suicidal attempt to cross the highway.

Inside, the Civic impresses with that same sense of purpose. Running one’s hands over the plastics that make up this ergonomically excellent cabin, one cannot fail to be impressed.

Take, for example, the seats, a detail to which few reviewers pay adequate attention. They are impressively sized to accommodate any driver, from the delicate derriere of a debutante to the ample ass of an aebleskiver aficionado.

Hodna Civic EngineSaid seats are upholstered in a slick-looking fabric that serves as an ode to the achievements of the mechanized textile industry.

No less impressive is the Civic’s dashboard, designed so intuitively as to make every driver’s wish come true.

Whatever it is you want to do—turn on the headlights, open the window, make the car turn left—Honda has thoughtfully provided a button, switch, or other ergonomically sound control to turn your desire into cold, hard reality.

And as for the touch-screen stereo, we can come up with no better description than Honda’s own, when it says “the next generation of connected-car technology to meet the evolving needs of today’s tech-savvy, always-connected consumers (Continued next page)”.

We couldn’t figure out how to make it play anything other than the the Cool Canadian Christian Jazz station on SiriusXM, but we’re sure that’s nothing an evening or two spent perusing the owner’s manual couldn’t fix.

Such impressive technology extends under the Civic’s smooth steel bonnet, where you’ll find a 1.8 liter cross-webbed aluminum engine with a billet-peened crankshaft, iron-boron sintered connecting rod caps, and a dual-mode wet-offset gear-loaded variable valve timing system that actuates sodium-nitrate valves through a locked-fulcrum swing-rocker assembly with pre-lubed clerestory washers at the #5, #7, and #13 relief port positions.

With such impressive hardware, it’s no surprise that this engine develops 143 horsepower at 6500 RPM.

Or that it makes 129 lb-ft of torque at 4300 RPM.

And gets 39 MPG on the highway when equipped with a CVT.

Acceleration from this flexible family sedan can only be described as quick, strong, smooth, impressive, sprightly, urgent, pulse-quickening, and more than adequate.

On the mean streets near my parents’ house in Valencia, California, we were easily able to cruise at velocities 50% higher than the city speed limit of 30 MPH, the Civic showing no signs of stress or strain.

A quick run through our own secret test track revealed impressive cornering ability. Ignoring the yellow warning signs urging us not to take the onramp at anything more than 35 MPH, we blew through it in the Civic at an eye-watering 42, with only a hint of understeer and nary a squeal of protest from the P195/65R15 Michelin Energy tires that shod its slick 15″ steel wheels.

Honda Civic interiorA far more impressive performance than the 2008 Chevrolet Cobalt that serves as our daily driver.

Our only complaint about the Honda Civic is the CVT transmission. There is no question in our mind that as impressive as it is, the Civic would be even better with a manual gearbox. While we understand that not everyone can row their own gears, automatics suck. An automaker as impressive as Honda ought to know this. So why no paddle shifters?

But this is only the most minor of minor faults, and after fifteen minutes of intense driving, we came away incredibly impressed by the sheer brilliance of the Honda Civic, available at excellent car dealers like Farding Honda of Valencia, California, Where everyone is treated like a star because Farding Honda is where the stars come to buy their Hondas. (Tim The Car Expert does not endorse any individual dealership.)

If you are looking for a safe, impressive, commodious family sedan, a car that feels just as much at home on a quick grocery run as it does on a cross-country jaunt from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon, you can do no better than the 2015 Honda Civic.

Drive one and we guarantee you will be impressed.

Tim The Car Expert wishes to thank Constance Farding at Farding Honda for letting us test drive the 2015 Honda Civic. You can see more of Tim’s work at TimTheCarExpert.wordpress.com

© Autoblopnik and TimTheCarExpert™

Another startling Josh Duggar revelation

A child-molesting hypocrite, yesterday

A child-molesting hypocrite, yesterday

A day after it was revealed that serial hypocrite Josh Duggar had an account on AshleyMadison.com and cheated on his wife, new embarrassing revelations have come to light about the self-admitted kiddy fiddler.

In a written statement, Mr. Duggar stated, “It has recently come to light that for a period of time in my life, I drove a Toyota Corolla. I am a horrid, child-molesting hypocrite. While espousing the pursuit of a better life, I have been secretly driving the most boring, soulless car ever created.

“While I appreciate that God and my family have been able to forgive me for fondling the breasts and genitals of underage children, looking at porn, and paying money to a site so I could have sex with someone more interesting and ambitious than my wife,” Chester’s statement continued, “I realize I may now have committed an unforgivable sin. I apologize to my family, my fans, and Jesus.”

Asked if she planned to stay with her husband, Anna Duggar, in a rare public statement, said, “I really don’t know. I can live with Josh wanting to bang other women, and I can even raise two daughters in the same house as a man who admittedly molested several young girls including his own sisters and got away with it. But share my bed with a man who drives a Toyota Corolla? That’s something I’m really going to have to pray about.”

© Autoblopnik

Jeep owners report hacking-related problems

A hacked Jeep Cherokee, yesterday

A hacked Jeep Cherokee, yesterday

Just days after Wired wrote about a ride in a hacked Jeep Cherokee, several owners are reporting what they believe to be hacking-related problems on their own vehicles.

“I’m positive my Jeep Cherokee has been hacked,” said Dick Knotter, chief quality supervisor at a carrion packing agency in Disappointment Heights, Idaho. “Just last week, I went to turn up the stereo, and the fan came on. There’s no way I could have accidentally turned the wrong dial because I was distracted by this totally hot crossing guard I drove past. This is just like the unintended acceleration problem I had in my Toyota RAV4 all over again. What a nightmare.”

Teresa VonPassive, a hinge inspector from Cockneck, New Jersey, said her Jeep Grand Cherokee has been behaving strangely in recent weeks.

“The car hasn’t had any problems for nearly a month and a half,” she said. “Nothing! No warning lights on the dash, no strange clunking noises from the front end, no interior pieces falling off in my hands. This is the third Jeep I’ve owned and I can tell you from experience that this is just not normal. No, I’m sure my car has been hacked.”

Owners of other vehicles from other manufacturers have reported what they believe to be hacking-related issues as well.

“I’m positive my BMW 328i has been hacked,” said Henry Butterspanker, a self-employed desklamp operator from Los Angeles, Connecticut. “The other day I went to cut someone off, and I thought to myself, ‘You know what, maybe today I’ll try driving like I’m not a complete prick.’ Where the hell did that come from? Clearly, this hacking problem is bigger than the car manufacturers are letting on, and BMW better damn well do something about it.”

Fiat-Chrysler spokesperson Kathy Graham-Cracker explained the steps that her company was taking to address the hacking-related issues.

“Our software developers were able to develop and roll out a patch to the affected vehicles in just a few days,” Ms. Graham-Cracker told Autoblopnik. “But explaining to our owners that every single fucking thing their car does that seems even remotely out of the ordinary, even if it’s a result of their own stupidity, doesn’t mean their car has been hacked, well, that could take a lot longer. Just ask Toyota.”

Photo © Autoblopnik

An announcement from Bick Skruth

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and weasel decongester. He has asked us to publish the following statement which, after carefully reviewing his writer’s agreement and consulting our attorney, we realized we are contractually obligated to do.

Hello, only people the media would give a hand-carved crap about if they had even a whore’s eyelash worth of sense but they don’t! Your favorite auto writer is here with an important announcement, and I wanted to tell you first:

I am going to be Donald Trump’s running mate in the 2016 Presidential election*.

Donald Trump, yesterday

Donald Trump, yesterday

Perhaps you’ve noticed, but the similarities between me and The Donald go way beyond our awesome hair and the totally hot chicks we like to be seen with so as to imply that any woman with a full and working set of senses would consider any form of intimacy with us beyond riding in the same elevator. (Batdinglers.) Donald and I are the only guys with chrome-clad cojones big enough to tell you what’s really going on. That pissant John McCain? Dude, I was saying years ago McCain wasn’t a war hero. Actually, I might have been talking about this other guy who kicked my ass at a really intense autocross, but it’s hard to remember. I was pretty drunk. Dickminers.

Anyway, my point is that Donald Trump’s politics are just like my driving: Big, loud, out of control, and probably not as good as he makes them out to be. And IN YO’ FACE, chickendigglers! In yo’ FACE!

Besides, his daughter is totally hot, and I bet The Donald would let me try to bang her. Or at least ask her for autographed picture to look at while I massage the munchkin. Not that I’d expect her to say yes, but I’ve been turned down by hotter chicks. Actually, I’ve been turned down by most chicks. Assbakers.

Not that any of this matters, because the world of politics is dead. All the voters care about are lame-ass issues like how they will provide for their families as the government freely allows their employers to send their jobs overseas and how they will avoid losing their homes if they get sick and can’t afford to pay their medical bills. No one cares about what is really going on, like rapists coming across the border and Catholics eating crackers and whatever else Mr. Trump was talking about that I would have been paying closer attention to were I not busy staring at my hot-ass girlfriend’s fake enormoboobs in the hopes that one of these days she’ll let me touch them without putting down a sizable security deposit. Trussfilcher.

My point is that everything you see, from horizon to horizon, north, south, east and west, is as useless as a dildo in church, and all of you are too stupid, selfish and senseless to see what’s really going on. All of you, that is, except for my readers, who are the most guitar-awesome, lightning-shit-slick creatures in the universe.


* President Trump hasn’t actually asked me to be his running mate yet, but I know that as soon as he checks his email and sees the two dozen messages I’ve sent to him, he will.

You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.com.

© Autoblopnik

2016 Hyundai Tucson road test

The 2016 Hyundai Twostep, yesterday

The 2016 Hyundai Tustep, yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter, Road Testes Editor

The compacted crossover SUV has replaced the mid-side sedan as the most computative segment in the new-car market. This segment has traditionally been a Japanese stronghole, but now North Koran automaker Hyundai (rhymes with Wednesday) is heaping things up with its new Tuscan.

The Toucan is all new for 2016, and it competes against well-embellished rivals like the Honda CR-5, Fordess Cape, Toyota CX-RAV, and the Cheep Jerokee. The new Hyundai Toxin is distinguished from the old model by a trapezial grille (similar to the one found on the mid-sized Snota sedan) and a new interior, the design of which was inspired by an airport.

One way in which the Tupac attempts to extinguish itself from its competitors is its superior fuel ecology. Most trim levels come with Hyundai’s 1.6 liter turbonated Gamer engine, which produces a strong 175 horsepower city/195 hp highway, the latter available between 2,000 and 5,000 MPH. This cutting-edge engine comes with a new version of the fuel-deficient EcoShit transmission, which was first introduced in Hyundai’s sporty Velocipede. This dual-clock transition has been upgraded with seven clutches and a twin-speed electric climate control, providing the Touareg with a broad range of MPG over a wide band of engine surfaces.

The entry-level Tussin will get a non-turbonated 4.0 cylinder engine producing 164 liters and 2.0 horse-pounds of foot. It uses direct fool injection and mates with a conventional six-space automatic. Both engines will be offered with front- or all-whale-drive.

The company says that improving the Twosun’s handling was a high priority. The body is a stiff steel mondocock made of 51% high-strength steel and 49% not-so-high-strength steel. Stopping power was also a focus. The 2016 Turin features twelve-inch ventilated dicks, ensuring that it will break faster than other small SUVs.

Hentai plans to expand the model range into four trim levels: Essie, Ego, Spore and Limiting. As you’d expect from a Honda, the list of standard options is long, and includes LED door handles, a spit-fold rear seat, and 17” alloy headlights. Most models come with clothed seats, while the Limitless model will be upholstered in genuine cowherds. Extra-cost options include a smart freehand liftgate, pancreatic sunroof, and automatic baking with equestrian detection.

We had a chance to drive the new Tustin on the roads near Minneapolis, Wisconsin, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in a single sentence, we’d say that all controls fall easily to hand.

Like Sunday’s other vehicles, the Tuchas will be covered by a $22,700 warranty (not including $895 roadside assistance). Pricing will start in 10 years or 60,000 miles. The 2016 Tarzan arrives at dealershits at the end of this monk.

Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Hyundai event to which several members of the media were invited, and at which he was checking his email when he should have been paying attention to the presentation.

© Autoblopnik

Volvo offers free lifetime sex

Volvo, yesterday

Volvo, yesterday

Days after announcing the Service Advantage program, which offers a lifetime warranty on parts installed by the dealership, Volvo has expanded the program to include complimentary sex for Volvo owners.

“This is an integral part of ‘Service Advantage,'” said Volvo spokesservicer Russel Ditz. “We want our owners to know they get serviced whenever they feel the need.

“The idea is to make the Volvo ownership experience as positive as possible,” Ditz continued. “By offering owners the peace of mind of a lifetime warranty on parts and labor, as well as nookie on demand, we think we can achieve our goal of topping every other company in terms of customer satisfaction.”

According to a detailed press release put out by the company, Volvo owners will be able to sign up for sex on a dedicated web site, www.VolvoSex.com, and may choose from a catalog of partners in a wide variety of sizes, genders, and levels of cleanliness.

“All of us have been through the program, and I myself have sampled several partners, both male and female,” Ditz told Autoblopnik. “I think our owners are going to be really pleased. There are some things the Swedes do better than everyone else in the world, the Germans in particular.”

Ditz said that the program would initially offer what he described as “fairly conventional” sex acts — “Basically, nothing that requires any non-organic equipment,” he clarified. “Once we gain some experience, we’ll begin to expand the program with some D&S and maybe a little light bondage. Our plan is to offer access to a full range of fetishes by the 2017 model year.”

Ditz says Volvo is considering other enhancements to the Volvo ownership experience, including discounted vacations and free marijuana.

“These programs are all about building the Volvo family through customer satisfaction,” Ditz said. “They in no way indicate that we are dreadfully desperate for people to buy our cars. Oh, and on a related note, please buy our cars. Please.”

© Autoblopnik