And here I thought these guys had stopped. Driving on the Right reviews the 2015 Ford Mustang EcoBoost.
Much to the glee of automotive parody news sites everywhere, Ferrari has announced that their new track-only supercar will be called the FxxK.
“We wanted to strive for something really unique, something that would get everyone talking,” said Ferrari spokesissimo Salvatore Peeyarissimo. “When people see this car, we want them to say ‘Oh, FxxK!'”
Though an on-sale date has not been announced, Ferrari dealers report that potential owners are already putting down cash deposits.
“Whatever Ferrari charges for the car, I’m willing to spend,” said Rich Bastard, a toilet-tank entrepreneur from the upscale hamlet of Bureaucratic Falls, Connecticut. “I’ll pay anything for a fast FxxK.”
Owners groups have already begun springing up, first of which are a Maine-based organization called FxxK ME, a European group that will be known as FxxK EU, and group of American enthusiasts calling themselves FxxK US. Unusually for Ferrari, an family-oriented group of female owners has also been established; it will be called Mother FxxKers.
Ferrari says it plans to auction the first production FxxK to charity with proceeds going to benefit the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to the Less Than Bright. The charity event will be known as “Ferrari Gives a FxxK.”
While most of the press response to the FxxK has been positive, there has been concern in the industry about letting Ferrari skirt US emissions and noise regulations and import the car into the United States. Autoblopnik has heard reports that a consortium of sports-car manufacturers have organized a lobby group called “Get the FxxK Out Of Here.”
Asked if the car’s unusual name could potentially cause controversy, Ferrari’s Peeyarisimo said “Of course not. Ferrari is the finest car in the world, and no matter what we call it, people will buy it. Even if we used a name that sounds like something naughty in another language, a name that is bound to be the butt of jokes for generations to come, people would buy it. But of course, that would never happen. Surely someone from one of our foreign offices would stop us from making ourselves look so foolish.”
Ferrari’s US spokespeople were not available for comment, but Cadillac’s Johann DeNysschen was.
“I guess naming all of the Infinitis Q or QX doesn’t look quite so stupid, does it?” he said.
P.S. Yep, SniffPetrol hit this one, too.
The 2014 Los Angeles Auto Show is now closed to the public, so good luck saying that anything we are about to report is incorrect. Pthpth. Here am some highlights from the show.
Jaguar announced that the F-TYPE will now have a six-speed manual transmission. The white car shown on display was originally orange; draw your own conclusions about the reaction of the assembled journalists. The press conference included a mass hypnosis session in which all were convinced to forget what Jaguar said about the automatic-only F-Type being perfectly fine.
Mazda introduced its new subcompact crossover, the CX-3, while at a nearby booth Nissan displayed the new Murano. Both companies confirmed they are competing to see who can design the most ridiculous-looking D-pillar.
Audi unveiled its new Prologue concept, which Audi Designhead Marc Lichte described as “the future of Audi embodied in a single vehicle.” Asked to elaborate, Lichte told Autoblopnik.com, “Since they all look alike and drive alike, we figure we might as well just sell one single vehicle with different badges. Think of the money we’ll save!”
Hyundai showed an aging rock star, but would not confirm rumors of a recent face lift. Performance was amazing.
Mitsubishi unveiled the sharp-looking XR-PHEV concept, which will feature in their TV and online ads along with a new tagline, “Mitsubishi: Please stop talking shit about the Mirage.”
Lexus continued a long-standing auto show tradition by showing the LF-C2 Concept and pretending it wasn’t the upcoming RC convertible.
Toyota displayed their new Mirai hydrogen fuel-cell car, which goes on sale to the public next year. Toyota says they plan to compensate for the lack of hydrogen fuel stations by making a car so ugly that few people will want to buy it, a strategy they said worked brilliantly well for the Echo.
Chevrolet showed a diesel-powered version of the Colorado, though it did not elicit the expected reaction as most show-goers were still spent from their reaction to the manual Jaguar F-Type.
BMW displayed a new X6M called the “P.T. Barnum Edition.” They expect to sell about one per minute.
Ford showed a new edition of the Mustang called the Shelby GT-350, which they said will develop over 500 horsepower from what appears to be a naturally-aspirated 5.2 liter V8. Asked how the car could produce such astronomical power figures without forced induction, a Mustang engineer told Autoblopnik.com, “What do you mean, without forced induction? Here, I’ll show you the… wait, where did… oh, sweet mother of Jesus. Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.”
Ford also unveiled the facelifted Explorer, with a new grille that makes it look more like a Ford SUV and less like a personal grooming device. Under the hood is a new 2.3 liter EcoBoost engine with fuel economy estimates of 20 MPG city and 28 MPG highway. Ford stressed that those numbers are “preliminary,” which at Ford means “over-estimated by roughly 35%”.
Finally, Volkswagen showed the Golf R Sportwagen, which combines the body of the Sportwagen [sic] with the Golf R’s 296 horsepower all-wheel-drive powertrain [sick]. Said one journalist, “Wait, a stick-shift F-Type, a diesel Colorado, and now this? What do you think we are, porn stars?”
More photos from the Los Angeles Auto Show:
Elon Musk, founder and chief sensational headline generator at Tesla Motors, today further directed attention away from the company’s tenuous financial situation by predicting that killer robots could destroy humanity “…in the five year time frame, 10 years at most.”
In a conversation at a Vanity Fair conference, Musk reportedly told an interviewer that killer robots, like most electronic annoyances, could start in email.
“If its [function] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam,” Musk allegedly said, “and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans…” He then trailed off as loud, ominous music played in the background.
“It’s very likely that these killer robots would network together and decide to eliminate humanity by setting off nuclear bombs,” he said. “I’m sure there would be a resistance movement of surviving humans, but if the robots figure out how to travel back in time and kill the leaders, mankind could be doomed. Especially if they send a particularly brawny robot with an Austrian accent and a yen for politics.”
Asked how humans could best survive such an onslaught, Musk said, “We need to get a bunch of hydraulic presses and as many vats of molten metal as we can find and put them everywhere. Those are the only sure way to kill time-traveling robots. Of course, that might not stop them. The robots would probably develop all sorts of new technology, like liquid metal and totally hot female robots that are all like, ‘Hey, look at my bewbs, aren’t they nice? HAH, I just stabbed you with my liquid metal finger that turned into a knife!’ I’m sure they’ll make at least four attempts before people decide they are tired of time-traveling robots and the robots just give up.”
Asked what his proposed solution to the problem was, Musk said, “I’d suggest we get some prima donna actor to throw a temper tantrum and scream at a poor crew member for no good reason, then post it to YouTube. For whatever reason, that seems to keep the killer robots away for years at a time.”
Tesla stock prices fell by two and a half points today as company managers scrampbled to figure out who let Elon have access to a computer with Internet connectivity.
Mercedes-Benz USA announced today that they will launch several new sub-brands and a new model naming convention, proving that even a stable, successful business plan is not immune to corporate fuckery.
“Our first new sub-brand vill be called Mercedes-Maybach,” said Mercedes brand manager Brent Meneger. “Ze press complained zat ze previous Maybach was too much like ze S-Class, vich was our plan all along, but ze subtlety vas lost on ze dummkopf Americans. So zis time we haf decided to make it more obvious.”
Meneger said the new Mercedes-Maybach S-Class will be “like an S-Class, but nicer, and it vill say ‘Maybach’ on it.” Asked if he could provide details, Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “Vat are you talking about? Zose are ze details.”
Dropping the fake German accent, Meneger explained the next sub-brand that Mercedes would add to its lineup.
“It’s called Mercedes-Shitzenwekre, and it will focus on building thirty-year-old Mercedes 300Ds with obnoxiously slow non-turbocharged diesel engines,” he said. “The cars will come from the factory with dented bodywork and 400,000 break-in miles on the odometer, and they will be sold exclusively to retired doctors who wear smug expressions and fuzzy sweaters.
“The third brand will be called Mercedes-Wannabe,” Meneger continued. “The Mercedes-Wannabe line will consist of black CLS350s with 24″ rims and the badges pried off so people will think they are CLS 63 AMGs. ”
Meneger went on to explain that Mercedes-Wannabe will use a non-traditional lease model based on that of the Ferrari FXX. Customers can call ahead when they want to drive their car, which they will pick up half a block from the trendy restaurant or nightclub of their choice so that they can be seen pulling up to the valet. Once they are done maxing out their credit cards buying overpriced alcohol for women who wouldn’t sleep with them if they had Brad Pitt’s looks, Wilt Chamberlain’s libido, and Carlos Slim’s bank balance, they can pick up the car at the valet, drive around the corner, return it to a Mercedes-Benz representative, and then drive home in whatever piece of shit they can actually afford.
Mercedes also announced a new naming convention, in which all of their SUVs will be named after a boxy Volvo of the 1980s.
“Frankly, we’re not sure how that happened,” Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “but I have heard reports that Johan DeNysschen has been seen sneaking around our corporate headquarters.”
This week, the Specialty Equipment Manufacturing Association Show, better know as SEMA, is taking place in Las Vegas, Nevada. Closed to the general public, SEMA provides a unique opportunity for manufacturers of aftermarket vehicle parts to pay copious amounts of money for the privilege of showing their newest products to their competitors.
A typical SEMA attendee is Tim Fartzrite, owner of Fartzrite Kustomz in Unfortunate Fallz, Wiskonsin, who told Autoblopnik.com, “This was by far the best SEMA show I’ve ever attended! I got five free hats, a couple of free T-shirts, four free magazines, at least two dozen free pens, and a bunch of free stickers, plus I ate at least fifteen pounds of free candy. It was well worth the $2,800 I paid for plane tickets, hotel, and show admission.”
Along with product displays and crowds of people who specialize in walking slowly and stopping without warning or reason, attendees enjoyed the educational opportunities provided by SEMA’s many seminars. This year’s topics included “Small Business Survival in the New Regulatory Environment,” “The EPA and You: You’re Fucked,” “Ten Signs Your Escort Has Venereal Disease,” and “Telling Your Spouse You Lost The Kids’ College Fund at the Blackjack Table: Best Practices”.
This year’s SEMA show featured a special display area for new exhibitors. Companies occupying the
tent special pavilion included:
- Fengbung Wu Xiang Tire Concern Ltd., which makes shoddily-engineered tires for poorly-maintained trucks and buses.
- Shen Win Fun Bang Ltd. Co, which produces low-cost suspension parts without the high overhead associated with environmentally-friendly manufacturing methods, child labor laws, and proper metallurgy.
- Wing Sheng Ghenxiou Raptor Star Industry Electricated LLC, which imports and sells LED lighting accessories and young Chinese women.
- Flowz-Rite, an Illinois-based manufacturer of tubular exhaust headers that has learned a valuable lesson about booking a cheap booth at SEMA.
“Yes, SEMA is a very important show for me,” said Dick Smasher, owner of Dick Smasher’z Tuner Partz, responding to Autoblopnik.com‘s question about whether SEMA was a very important show for him. “Buying an overpriced booth so I can give out thousands of expensive brochures to people who will look at then once and then throw them away is vital to the success of my business. Besides, the novelty of writing off hookers, vodka and baccarat as business expenses never gets old.”
Just days after Chevrolet launched the “Technology and Stuff” campaign based on a televised gaffe by a nervous staff member, Ford has announced a new slogan of their own, “Turbos and Shit”.
“Chevy’s new trucks may have ‘Technology and Stuff,'” Ford spokesstuffer Sid Deet told a crowd of passers-by near her office in Dearborn, “But ‘Stuff’ won’t give you better performance or towing capability. If you want a truck that can really deliver, you need the all-new 2015 Ford F-150, which has Turbos and Shit.”
Unlike Chevrolet, Ford does not plan to use the new slogan as a hashtag.
“We did try sending out a tweet that said ‘New F-150 has #turbosandshit,'” explained Ford social media guru Scott “The Full” Monty, “but we got a bunch of replies asking what turbo sand shit was and why anyone would want it in their new pickup truck.”
Industry analysts said they thought Ford’s new slogan would resonate with consumers.
“Our research shows that when consumers are asked about Ford pickup trucks, they do associate them with turbos,” said Paul Eisensteinstatysteinstienstadtdtdt, chief multi-part-question-asker at The Detroit Bookie. “Unfortunately for Ford, they also associate them with shit.”
UPDATE: Chrysler has announced their own new slogan, “Polystyrene or Objects,” proving that they don’t understand anything about anything.