2014 Scion xD review

by Amanda Twatler-Perkins

A really cute Scion xD! Yesterday!

A really cute Scion xD! Yesterday!

Since I mostly blog about baby products, I was surprised when Scion called me up and asked me if I’d like to review the all-new Scion xD! I didn’t even know what a Scion xD was, but I said I sure! A break from writing about baby strollers and nipple shields would be welcome!

A PR person from Scion showed up with a cute little red car that was sooooo cute! Baby Emma loved the red car! She kept saying “Red ka, mommy! Red ka!” The Scion PR person told me the xD had been completely redesigned for 2014 with new chrome around the stereo knobs and thicker padding on the sun visors! She said something about the engine but it was hard to pay attention because baby Emma was getting hungry and fussy! But the Scion xD is a really cute car!

The Scion PR person asked me if I wanted to drive the cute red Scion xD, and of course I said yes! There wasn’t room for baby Emma’s Graco® Nautilus® 3-in-1™ car seat with SafetySurround Protection™, so we had to leave her at home! Oh well, every busy mom needs some “me time”!

The Scion xD was so sporty! I got on the highway and stepped on the gas and it zoomed away almost as quickly as my Toyota Sienna! And it felt so much smaller and sportier! The Scion PR person and I talked about knitting! She knits too! How cool is that, two knitters in the same all-new 2014 Scion xD! I even zoomed around a corner! Then we went to get massages and pedicures, and the Scion xD was soooo easy to park! The Scion xD was so sporty and so much fun!

When we got back home, I found the babysitter passed out on the couch after drinking a bottle of Nyquil and baby Emma playing in a pile of her own feces, but I had so much fun driving the all-new 2014 Scion xD that I didn’t care! The nice PR lady from Scion helped me clean up the cat vomit, and then baby Emma and I said goodbye to her and the cute little Scion xD! I was soooo sad to see her drive the cute little Scion xD away! It almost made me wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t let Brad get me shitfaced on ecstasy and beer the night we got pregnant with baby Emma!

The all-new 2014 Scion xD is a great car! I’m so glad I got a chance to drive the all-new cute little Scion xD! Everyone who wants a great little sporty car and doesn’t have a baby should buy an all-new Scion xD!

Amanda Twatler-Perkins is Mom-In-Chief of DiapersAndDreams.com. She has a bachelor’s degree in English and lives in Pasadena, California with her daughter Emma and husband Brad.

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Musk defends Tesla crash

Elon Musk on fire, yesterday

Elon Musk, yesterday

A week after a stolen Tesla Model S was involved in a fiery crash, causing Tesla’s stock price to drop by nearly $7, company CEO Elon Musk today held a press conference, causing Tesla’s stock price to rise by $1.50

“The Tesla Model S performed exactly as it was designed to do in a stolen-vehicle situation,” Mr. Musk told the assembled reporters, raising the share price by another seventy-five cents.

“The Model S intentionally crashed itself, bringing the chase to a rapid and safe end, while removing three or four pollution-spewing gasoline cars from service and improving the environment,” he explained. “The car then split itself into two pieces, allowing for easy and rapid exit from the vehicle for ambulatory survivors and saving time and labor for emergency personnel. The rear half of the Model S wedged itself in the doorway of a nearby synagogue, giving the criminals a convenient way to pray for forgiveness, while the front half set itself on fire, destroying vital fingerprint evidence in order to protect the occupants’ privacy.”

Mr. Musk paused to drink apple juice from his Lightning McQueen sippy cup, which triggered a $2 increase in the price of Tesla shares, then paused for a moment, causing Tesla stock to drop by half a point, before continuing.

“Had the car thieves been driving a gasoline car,” he said, “the results would undoubtedly have been much more catastrophic. The chase could have continued for several hundred miles, giving the criminals a much better chance of evading police. They probably would have been caught at an Arizona truck stop while in the process of catching gonorrhea from a couple of lot lizards, which is exactly the sort of behavior that internal-combustion cars elicit from their owners. Instead, the Tesla Model S performed exactly as it was designed to do, bringing the chase to a quick, environmentally-friendly, and spectacularly newsworthy end.”

Mr. Musk refused to take questions from the assembled reporters, citing a scheduled Duck-Duck-Goose charity tournament for which he was already late. Tesla stock prices rallied to pre-crash levels at the conclusion of the press conference, for which Mr. Musk was rewarded with a gold star sticker and a Fruit Roll-Up, causing Tesla share prices to increase by another $2.

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Related: Industry, stock market react in wake of Tesla flat tire

General Motors recalls its recalls

One of the affected GM recalls, yesterday

One of the affected GM recalls, yesterday

Just weeks after recalling every car it has ever made as well as cars made by other manufacturers, General Motors announced that it will issue recalls for several of the recalls it has issued this year.

“In recent months, our company has issued a large number of recalls covering several General Motors vehicles,” explained GM spokesbrand Todd Sillifartz. “While all of those recalls addressed important safety defects, many of them may have further unintended consequences, and we want to correct these issues as quickly as possible.”

Sillifartz declined to give a complete list of problems that could be caused by the soon-to-be-recalled recalls, explaining the corporation was still investigating. However, he did list some of the problems caused by the defective recalls,which include killing GM’s stock price, causing owners to panic and blame every single nearly-imperceptible issue on a problem that their vehicle doesn’t even have, and giving the general public the idea that General Motors is completely incompetent despite a hundred years of successfully building cars that usually get people where they want to go without killing them.

Neither NHTSA nor General Motors have reported any deaths or injuries as a direct result of the affected recalls; however, the recalls are blamed for killing at least fifteen careers and jeopardizing CEO Mary Barra’s chances of ever appearing on Dancing with the Stars.

Owners of the affected recalls will begin to receive recall recall notices next week telling them that their recall has been recalled, and giving instructions for how to handle their recall’s recall.

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Bick Skruth drives the Porsche Macan

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and fecal management technician. He contributes to several automotive-related web sites as well as our own.

Hello, Only People Who Matter! I’ve just returned from Willow Springs Raceway, this time to drive the Porsche’s new Macan. Ah, to be back at Willow, where I once broke the track record and won twelve races in a row in race a series you’ve probably never heard of because it’s so advanced. I’ll spare you the details, just know that I was, and still am, awesome.

Anyway, Porsche was afraid of letting us unleash the true track potential of their 400 hp grocery-getter, so they insisted that we be babysat by a bevvy of racing drivers. I drew two-time LeMans winner and three-time ALMS GT2 champ Patrick Long. I didn’t want to show the kid up, so I toned my driving down a notch or three. But you should have seen his face when I intentionally carried too much speed into Turn 4 and allowed the Macan to understeer to within inches of the wall! He was so angry that he insisted I get off the track immediately. No matter as having pushed the car hard enough to engage the transmission’s limp mode, I had completed my evaluation of the vehicle. I did tell Patrick I’d take him on any time, him in his favorite Porsche versus me in my awesome Accord, but he didn’t answer. Perhaps he didn’t hear my challenge because I was taking off my helmet as I mumbled it. Cockdonkey.

After our time on the track it was time for the long drive back to Los Angeles. My drive partner was some useless so-called writer from an increasingly-irrelevant print publication. It’s really difficult to properly evaluate a vehicle with one of these dickwashers in the passenger seat, what with the constant screaming, crying, and calling for their mommy. Here I was, trying to test the Macan’s on- and off-road abilities simultaneously by taking corners at a hundred plus with two wheels in the dirt shoulder, and he goes and accuses me of being reckless! I guess I shouldn’t expect any better from a guy who has taken five “performance driving courses” and yet still couldn’t run the Macan’s tires down to the steel cords in under a hundred miles the way I did. Assbounder.

The 2015 Porsche Macan, yesterday

The 2015 Porsche Macan, yesterday

So what did I think of the Macan? I thought it was unbelievable, as in it’s unbelievable that any suburban mom would have even the slightest bit of interest in a car like this. Seriously, if an awesomely able helmsmith like me can barely keep this thing on the road at 13/10ths, what makes Porsche think that Jane Housewife with her 2.3 kids and her fake tits and her sexually unsatisfying marriage will be able to do it? Hell, she’d be better off with my two-door Accord, which will out-drive any vehicle on the planet at any price on any road in any weather in any outfit with any aging-rocker hairdo as long as I’m at the wheel. Not that I expect any of my colleagues will be brave enough to talk about this estrogen-charged elephant on the room lest they lose their seat on the Gravy Train to Presstripville. Only I have the skill and the honesty to report these things skillfully and honestly. Shitfiddlers.

Of course, it really doesn’t matter what we say, because automotive journalism is dead. We are dinosaurs, pen-wielding freeloaders being flown hither and thither by a community of ass-kissers in cheap shiny suits desperate to convince their corporate taskmasters that there is a sensible business justification for them to continue getting shitfaced on the company dime. The truth is that the well-heeled small-dicked narcissists who can afford to buy the little woman an $80,000 compact CUV don’t bother to read the shit we write, and the drooling Neanderthals who read car reviews as a form of entertainment can’t afford an $80,000 compact CUV because they are too busy living above their parents’ garage and jerking off to photographs of the Aventador instead of getting out into the world to make a decent living. The exception is the brilliantly bright people who read my web site, who are the most talented and usefully amazing people in the known universe. Pissmunchers.

You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.com.

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General Motors recalls other manufacturers’ vehicles

A Toyota Corolla expected to be recalled by GM tomorrow, yesterday

One of the non-GM vehicles being recalled by GM today, yesterday

Just a day after issuing six recalls covering 7.6 million of its own vehicles, General Motors announced that it will recall several cars made by other manufacturers.

“We’re simply running out of our own vehicles to recall,” said General Motors CEO Mary “Huggy” Barra. “The only way we can keep up with this hectic recall pace is to begin recalling other automakers’ products as well.”

According to a statement issued by General Motors, the company will start by recalling the 2014 BMW 4-series for turning its drivers into insufferable douchebags; the 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage, which is so slow that it’s keeping the rest of us from getting to work on time; and the 2014 Toyota Corolla, which over time may completely erode the driver’s will to live.

Along with the recall notices, Ms. Barra issued an apology on the company’s media web site.

“We are sorry that other automakers are as unable to get their shit together as we are,” Ms. Barra wrote. “We know what the public expects from our industry, and that is to consistently produce hundreds of thousands of complex machines, each consisting of approximately 30,000 parts, which can magically turn dead dinosaurs into motion, and to do so reliably, flawlessly and free of defects, all while protecting our dumb-ass customers from death and injury when our they attempt to nominate themselves for the Darwin Awards. We have failed to meet those expectations, and we as an industry must do better.”

Ms. Barra says she expects to be questioned about the recalls during her monthly Congressional appearance. In related news, the city of Washington, D.C., has launched an investigation to determine if Ms. Barra should be paying resident income taxes.

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