Plymouth Breeze wins Pebble Beach

The 2014 Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance winner, yesterday

The 2014 Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance winner, yesterday

There was shock, surprise, and much shitting of gaudy golf pants on Sunday when it was announced that the coveted Best of Show award at the Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance was being awarded to a 1998 Plymouth Breeze.

“We are pleased to bestow the Best of Show award on an unrestored original example of a bygone American make,” said Ree Dikuluspantz, Chief Class Judge Chief Honorary Judgechief of this year’s chief judging class committee. “The Plymouth Breeze was rare enough in its day, and to find a fourth-owner unrestored original in operating condition, and furthermore one that is still being used in the manner for which it was designed, is an honor that few concours judges will get to experience.”

Assistant Chief Judge Class Alvin Uglytrouzerz said he chose the Breeze because it represented something different from normal Pebble Beach fare.

“Frankly, if I have to look at one more Ferrari or Deusenberg or Bugatti while some blowhard in ridiculous pants tell me how the supercharger inlet valve casing bears one of Fangio’s fingerprints and the leather upholstery still has traces of blood from the night F. Scott Fitzgerald did too much coke in the passenger seat, I’m going to throw the hell up,” Uglytrouzerz told Autoblopnik.

The winning car, an Expresso [sic] model still wearing its original factory Deep Amethyst Pearlcoat paint, belongs to Vince “Dookie” Dookerwicz, 23, of Watsonville, California, an employee at one of the Concours d’Elegance’s concession stands.

“I parked my car next to the tent to unload a couple of cases of sesame buns and some Slurpee mix, and when I came back out, the car was surrounded by a bunch of old guys with funny-looking pants and clipboards,” Dookerwicz told Autoblopnik. “I got in trouble with my boss last year for bumming a cigarette off one of the ladies attending the show, so I just shut up and stayed out of the way. Next thing I knew, they were handing me a trophy.”

Dookerwicz said he was genuinely surprised at the win, and was especially pleased when a Pebble Beach representative presented him with a bottle of Dom Perignon, which Dookerwicz was confident would be regarded by his girlfriend as a reasonable substitute for foreplay.

“If had known the car was going to win Pebble, I would have taken out the baby seat and maybe tried to clean the vomit out of the floor mats,” Dookerwicz told Autoblopnik. “And I also would have worn sillier pants.”

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Mark Retchin’s pants

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De Nysschen announces first major change at Cadillac

The Cadillac soon to be known as the Cadillac formerly known as the ATS, yesterday

The Cadillac soon to be known as the Cadillac formerly known as the ATS, yesterday

Johan DeNysschen, recently hired to head up the beleaguered Cadillac brand, has announced his first major strategy, which is to change all of Cadillac’s model names to interpretive dance.

De Nysschen recently left his position as Infiniti’s former president of Audi, where he was best known for changing the name of every vehicle to Q, a move that inadvertently set off a copyright dispute in China.

“This is the next step in branding evolution,” said De Nysschen. “Market research shows that American buyers do not want to drive a Cadillac XTS. However, we believe they will be much more interested in driving a Cadillac” — he then stopped, raised his arms over his head, bowed his body low and then straightened suddenly, looked to the sky and tiptoed around in a circle.

De Nysschen says the new naming convention will concentrate on the slower-selling models, starting in 2015 with the Cadillacs soon to be known as the Cadillac formerly known as the XTS and the Cadillac formerly known as the ATS. The latter will now be identified by spreading the arms wide, jumping up and down three times, bending the knees deeply with each landing while making a kissy motion with the lips, and then bringing the arms together above the head while turning the toes outward.

“We’re still working on the strategy,” he said. “For example, we are doing market research to determine if the CTS’ new name should have the hands splayed out on the stomach before or after the deep-knee bends. We’re going into uncharted territory, so we really want to make sure we do this the right way.”

De Nysschen said that “V-Sport” versions of all models will be indicated by holding the arms up in a giant V while running rapidly from one end of the room to the other, a dance move he says symbolozes the V-series’ eleven-year heritage.

“This is just the beginning of big changes at Cadillac,” De Nysschen added. “I think when the motoring press sees the upcoming” — De Nysschen then pretended he was looking at something on the floor to the right, then to the left, then pointed his chin straight up as he jumped onto his desk, sat down, crossed and uncrossed his legs three times, and then clapped his hands twice before returning to his chair — “they’re really going to like it.”

© Autoblopnik — Hat tip to someone whose name we can’t mention because he’d probably get fired, but you know who you are and you know where to send the check if you don’t want us to “accidentally” reveal your identity

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Ford switches from BlackBerry to iPhone

One of Ford's new iPhones, yesterday

One of Ford’s new iPhones, yesterday

Ford Motor Company livened up an otherwise slow news day by announcing that they would switch from BlackBerry to Apple as their corporate mobile phone provider.

“We think this is an important move for a company that embraces modern technology,” said Ford spokesphoner Sid Deet, pausing his Depeche Mode CD and demonstrating how the iPhone fits easily into the pockets of his acid-wash jeans. “We really think the iPhone reflects the forward-looking attitude here at Ford, along with other mobile devices like this Nintendo Game Boy.”

Ford’s Vice President of Information Systems Chris Chinwarrior said the Apple iPhone would fit seamlessly into the company’s existing data infrastructure.

“Now that we’ve upgraded our back end from token ring to ten megabit Ethernet, we should have plenty of bandwidth to support the phones,” Chinwarrior told Autoblopnik. “We think they will work flawlessly with our Windows NT servers.”

Deet said the iPhones were part of a much larger modernization program at Ford, which would include upgrading factory equipment from steam-driven belt drives to electricity and installing air conditioning in up to 25% of Ford’s corporate facilities.

“If all goes well, we may even consider promoting women and minorities into high-level executive positions,” Deet said. “Although we don’t want to bite off more than we can chew.”

© Autoblopnik

Consumer Reports invaded by Martians

An Buick Regal, yesterday

An Buick Regal, yesterday

Just days after Consumer Reports recommended the Buick Regal over several European luxury cars, and following months of unprecedented Honda-bashing, officials at the magazine confirmed that the vehicle testing branch has, as many have surmised, been overrun by little green men from Mars.

“We suspected there was a problem back when our Vehicle Testing and Evaluation Division (VTED) (Ed. note: Cut me a break, not all of the acronyms can be funny) recommended the RAM 1500 over the Toyota Tundra,” said CR spokesappliance Ken Morewasher, “but we figured maybe they were simply evolving to become less like CR staffers and more like regular people.”

The Martian invasion was discovered late last night, when a member of Consumer Reports’ accounting staff made an after-hours visit to the automotive division to discuss some budget reports. There, he found a strange green-skinned creature with webbed feet and a single unblinking red eye removing what appeared to be a CR lab costume. The creature identified itself as a Martian, then firmly requested an escort to the person in charge.

“Fortunately, the staff member in question had a Conair Model XRV-2102 Multi-Purpose Ray Gun, which we recommend over other hand-held space-age weapons for its comfortable padded grip, impact-resistant carbon-trianolite barrel, and liquid-cooled transducer array, and was able to hold the Martian at bay until police arrived,” said Morewasher. “Had Bernie been carrying the Remington TN0072A Star Dispatcher Plus, which performed poorly in our scatter-beam heat index tests and has slightly lower than average predicted reliability, this story might have had a very different ending.”

Local police confirmed that a half-dozen Martians surrendered peacefully, and that the missing CR staffers were found unharmed in a rarely-used tea kettle evaluation lab.

“All of our automotive testers are now home with their families, and we look forward to them returning to their jobs of heaping praise on soulless Toyotas,” Morewasher said. “Are we sure we got all the Martians? Not really. If a Chrysler product wins another of our comparison tests, we’ll know it’s time to start taking DNA samples.”

© Autoblopnik

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Bick Skruth drives the Dodge Challenger Hellcat

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and genital hygiene specialist. He contributes to several automotive-related web sites as well as our own.

Hello, The Only Readers The Car Companies Would Give Two Shits About If They Had Any Sense But They Don’t! I’m just back from Portland, Oregon, where I braved the meth-addled masses in order to drive Dodge’s new Challenger Hellcat. I was surprised to be invited, not because I once totaled a Sebring by letting my friend’s pet llama give birth in the back seat, but because Chrysler is usually afraid to have real racers-slash-journalists like yours truly at their events. I expected to find a crowd of magazine and newspaper has-beens who think a free pair of Pilotis and a so-called “performance driving course” qualifies them to drive this 707 horsepower missile on a technical track like Portland International Raceway, and I was not disappointed. I knew from watching these guys weave around the track like Lindsay Lohan three days out rehab that they simply weren’t in the same zip code as me and my superior driving abilities. Cocktanglers.

Dodge at least had the good sense to assign babysitters to the wannabes, and yet I somehow got lumped in with these losers, even after informing them that I set the all-time track record at PIR in my awesome-ass Accord. Of course they didn’t believe me, but only because the track owners insisted I do it at night when no one was around. My time was, of course, way the hell better than anyone except me expected, so they made me seal it in an envelope, burn it, drop the ashes into a bottle of sulfuric acid, encase them in concrete and bury them in swamp in Louisiana, and all this only after taking a blood-oath that I would never reveal my time to anyone for fear of embarrassing every racing driver in the known universe and making them kill themselves in despair. What can I say — when you’re as amazing as I am, you get used to silly shit like this. Monkeylickers.

The 2015 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat, yesterday

The 2015 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat, yesterday

That explains why I was stuck in the Challenger Hellcat with some geriatric turd who claimed to have been instructing at PIR for twenty-five years, but then feigned shock and disgust when I blew straight through the chicane, spun the car in turn six and went ass-first through seven with two wheels in the grass. If he really knew the track, he’d know this was the fastest line. Instead, Grandpa ratted me out to the Chrysler narcs, who insisted that I give up the red key and return to the hotel in a bitch-ass six-cylinder Challenger SXT, which is a great economical performance value starting at just $26,995 plus destination, taxes and fees. Titfiddlers.

So how is the Challenger Hellcat? It’s too much, as in it’s too much for any mortal driver to handle. Seven hundred horsepower is a disaster waiting to happen unless you have super-human driving abilities and awesome grunge-band hair, both granted to you by aliens in a strange midnight ceremony on a mountaintop in Nepal. There is only one guy on this planet who fits that description, and it sure as fuck ain’t Nico Rosberg. Your average know-nothing piss-ant driver is going to roll this thing up into a ball faster than my hot-ass girlfriend can say “You can have five minutes and no kissing.” And at sixty large a throw, there are plenty of Skruth wannabees who will use the Hellcat as a one-way ticket to their maker. But that won’t stop the car magazines from plastering it all over their covers in a desperate attempt to fool a few more Mopar-masturbators into buying their withering rag, no matter what the cost in wasted lives and semen. Buttonfuckers.

Not that it matters, because automotive journalism is dead. Most people who “write” about “cars” are nothing more than Jay Leno wannabes who willingly blind themselves to the fact that they are sucking on the great silicon-filled tit of automotive PR, one that gorges them on free cars, frequent flyer miles, cheap wine and badly cooked beef tenderloin. Their so-called “reviews” are just gears in the machine, and the Challenger Hellcat is nothing but a pollution-spewing carrot designed to lure the mindless masses (who couldn’t give a candy-cane-colored shit what we have to say) into Dodge showrooms where they will drool on command over a useless wad of elephant spooge like the Journey, then happily bend over and smile as they take their $600 car payment and worthless extended warranty right up the service entrance. Everything is useless and everyone sucks. And when I say everything and everyone, of course I mean everything and everyone except you, my readers, the only people endowed with common sense and good looks and acceptably-sized genitalia.


You can read more of Bick Skruth at

© Autoblopnik

2014 Scion xD review

by Amanda Twatler-Perkins

A really cute Scion xD! Yesterday!

A really cute Scion xD! Yesterday!

Since I mostly blog about baby products, I was surprised when Scion called me up and asked me if I’d like to review the all-new Scion xD! I didn’t even know what a Scion xD was, but I said I sure! A break from writing about baby strollers and nipple shields would be welcome!

A PR person from Scion showed up with a cute little red car that was sooooo cute! Baby Emma loved the red car! She kept saying “Red ka, mommy! Red ka!” The Scion PR person told me the xD had been completely redesigned for 2014 with new chrome around the stereo knobs and thicker padding on the sun visors! She said something about the engine but it was hard to pay attention because baby Emma was getting hungry and fussy! But the Scion xD is a really cute car!

The Scion PR person asked me if I wanted to drive the cute red Scion xD, and of course I said yes! There wasn’t room for baby Emma’s Graco® Nautilus® 3-in-1™ car seat with SafetySurround Protection™, so we had to leave her at home! Oh well, every busy mom needs some “me time”!

The Scion xD was so sporty! I got on the highway and stepped on the gas and it zoomed away almost as quickly as my Toyota Sienna! And it felt so much smaller and sportier! The Scion PR person and I talked about knitting! She knits too! How cool is that, two knitters in the same all-new 2014 Scion xD! I even zoomed around a corner! Then we went to get massages and pedicures, and the Scion xD was soooo easy to park! The Scion xD was so sporty and so much fun!

When we got back home, I found the babysitter passed out on the couch after drinking a bottle of Nyquil and baby Emma playing in a pile of her own feces, but I had so much fun driving the all-new 2014 Scion xD that I didn’t care! The nice PR lady from Scion helped me clean up the cat vomit, and then baby Emma and I said goodbye to her and the cute little Scion xD! I was soooo sad to see her drive the cute little Scion xD away! It almost made me wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t let Brad get me shitfaced on ecstasy and beer the night we got pregnant with baby Emma!

The all-new 2014 Scion xD is a great car! I’m so glad I got a chance to drive the all-new cute little Scion xD! Everyone who wants a great little sporty car and doesn’t have a baby should buy an all-new Scion xD!

Amanda Twatler-Perkins is Mom-In-Chief of She has a bachelor’s degree in English and lives in Pasadena, California with her daughter Emma and husband Brad.

© Autoblopnik