The Interwebs were abuzz this week with first reviews of the new 2015 Ford F-150, every single one of which reported that the new aluminum-bodied pickup truck is made of aluminum.
“The new F-150 has several important new features, including an aluminum body, aluminum cab, aluminum bed, a 360 degree parking camera, aluminum doors, aluminum hood, some sort of fancy new engine, an aluminum roof and aluminum fenders,” read a review from Car & Aluminum. “But what most impressed us is the aluminum body, an all-aluminum wonder made entirely of aluminum.”
Ford representatives confirmed that the aluminum-bodied F-150, which makes extensive use of aluminum in its construction, is indeed made out of aluminum.
“Aluminum aluminum aluminum, aluminum aluminum,” said Ford spokesaluminum Al Luminum, speaking on condition of aluminum.
Ford brought every single engineer employed by the company to the press launch, most of whom spoke about the aluminum truck’s aluminum body, which they confirmed is made out of aluminum. While most were pleased to aluminum about the aluminum truck’s aluminum construction, a few expressed frustration.
“We spent a lot of time making all this neat shit for the bed,” said engineer Ben Gineer, who asked not to be named. “Concealed LED lights, a universal cargo-locking system, integrated ramps, built-in steps, and a lot of other cool stuff. And yet all anyone wants to talk about is that the body is made of fucking aluminum.”
Some publications featured more in-depth explanations of the aluminum F-150’s aluminum construction.
“The aluminum F-150 makes extensive use of extrude-honed aluminum,” reported Johnny Liebinum in Moluminum Trend. “Extrude honing is used to extrude-hone many of the extude-honed aluminum body parts, which are then mated to other pieces of extrude-honed aluminum, which are also extrude-honed out of aluminum. We’re not sure what extrude-honed means, but sure is fun to say. Plus the Ford people told us that we wouldn’t be invited to the new Cobra launch if we reported that the F-150 is held together with rivets and glue.”
Ford spokeschief Sid Deet said he was pleased with the early publicity on the truck.
“We really wanted to drive home the revolutionary aspects of the 2015 Ford F-150’s aluminum construction, and we think we’ve accomplished that,” he said.
Unfortunately, no one reported that aside from the aluminum body, the all-new 2015 Ford F-150 is rather uninteresting.
Salad Sales and Hyundai Motoring America today issued a joint statement admitting to a mix-up between the designs of their respective mid-size sedans.
“It appears that the designers of the new 2015 Sonata and Camry were in the same place at the same time, and accidentally grabbed each other’s laptop bags,” said Toyundai Joint Spokesperson Moe Trainer. “That’s why the new Sonata’s styling is inexplicably boring, and the new Camry’s styling is inexplicably interesting.”
Trainer would not go on the record as to when the mix-up might have occurred. Off the record, he told Autoblopnik, “It probably happened at last year’s Los Angeles Auto Show press days, when they were on their hands and knees photographing the interior trim screw heads on the new Optima.”
As to whether the styling mix-up will affect sales, Trainer says that Hyundai is more concerned than Toyota.
“Hyundai buyers will definitely notice that the car is far less interesting,” he said. “As for Camry buyers, hell,you could paint the car with buffalo dung and use a 16-inch dildo as a hood ornament, and as long as Consumer Reports said it was reliable, they’d still buy the damn thing.”
Trainer later denied rumors that his own Camry is painted with buffalo dung and has a 16-inch dildo as a hood ornament.
Asked if the incident affected any other aspects of the car, Trainer said “Absolutely not, though you can see why people would think that. Depowering a barely-adequate engine may sound like something Toyota would do, and coming up with oxymorons like ‘Sport Hybrid’ may sound like something Hyundai would do, but the fact is that aside from the design screw-up, all the other bone-headed decisions can be attributed to the cars’ respective manufacturers.”
After weeks of media silence, General Motors officials are finally commenting on the slow sales of Cadillac’s new ATS and CTS models.
“The media has speculated that the all-new ATS and CTS are not resonating with customers, but that’s not true,” said Nick Twerk, a former spokestwerker for Cadillac who hasn’t worked at Cadillac for years but was contacted as a source because David Caldwell’s name is not nearly as funny. “The truth is that the dealers are so crazy about the new cars, they just don’t want to let them go. They are hoarding the vehicles.”
Automotive Nudes recently reported that Cadillac dealers have a 152 day supply of the ATS, while the CTS stands at a 215 day supply.
“Normally, a 60 day supply is considered healthy,” said Twerk, “but in the case of the ATS and the CTS, the numbers prove just how much the dealers love these cars. The customers are there, the demand is there, but the dealers simply refuse to let go of them.”
Cadillac has taken several steps to alleviate the problem, including idling the Lansing, Michigan plant for three weeks in order to wean dealers off the cars and introducing a new ATS Coupe, a useless vehicle that GM officials are hoping will serve as a reasonable substitute for the volume-selling sedan. They have also given the ELR a ridiculously high price designed to put off consumers.
“We are hoping that the dealers will transfer their affection to these low-production models and release the ATS and CTS sedans to alleviate pent-up customer demand,” Twerk explained, adding, “Now if you have everything you need, I’d like to get back to my career strategy of going wherever Johan de Nysschen is not. Thank Q very much.”
Bick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and nasal hair nullification consultant. He contributes to several automotive web sites as well as our own.
Hello, Only People Who Come Even Remotely Close To Being Worth My Time! I hear a lot of complaints about auto writers being out of touch with so-called “real people” and what they actually want out of a car. Apparently, we are supposed to believe that there are people who just want to get from Point A to Point B and look on a car as transportation and nothing more. These supposed “real” “people”, so the legend goes, are capable of getting more than 10,000 miles out of a set of tires and more than 10 minutes out of a set of brakes. As if! I know there are no drivers anywhere in the known multiverse as awesome as I am, but I refuse to believe there are actual human beings who could be so dead on the inside. Pisscrackers.
But that doesn’t keep the throng of alleged “automotive journalists” from writing review after shit-sodden review of lame-ass snoozemobiles, all in the name of consumer advocacy. You and I know this is just a way for them to hide their wholly inadequate driving skills. You could plant any one of these guys behind the wheel of a McLaren P1 and cram the ghost of Ayrton Senna* right up his ass, and I’d still be able to out-drive him in my awesome Accord, even with one awesome hand tied behind my awesome back and my awesome hair in awesome braids like Eric Clapton likes to wear. Oh, wait, you’ve never seen the Clapster with his hair in braids, have you? I guess that’s because you don’t have private jam sessions with him like I do. Asshangers.
* You may have heard rumors that Ayrton Senna’s alleged death at San Marino was staged, and that in fact he died of pure embarrassment after learning that I beat his time at Estoril in my 993, which is the third most awesome car ever created (after the Volkswagen Phaeton and the Honda Accord). I will not deny that rumor, however I firmly deny that I started that rumor during the regional press drive for the 2012 Ford Transit Connect.
So, anyway, I decided to show these useless dinosaurs who still inscribe their insipid prose on dead trees how a real writer reviews a real car for these alleged real people. For my mount, I chose the Mitsubishi Mirage. Not because the press fleet operators have refused to loan me anything with more than 100 horsepower ever since that unfortunate incident involving a Lexus, Tommy Mottola’s personal assistant, a rather large shop window, a pair of cocker spaniels, a guitar, some cheese, Spain, a can of Fix-A-Flat, a neon-colored sport jacket, the sea, half a dozen Wiffle balls, a dog-eared copy of For Whom The Bell Tolls, and a strongly-worded letter to the Vatican. No, I chose the Mirage because it’s the sort of cheap car that these theoretical real people can afford. Dickwashers.
I don’t read other people’s car reviews, but that hasn’t stopped me from reading a bunch of car reviews in which these so-called reporters say the Mirage is depressingly slow and handles like a 17th-century barouche. What would you expect from… well, you know. All I can say is that if you stand on the gas for long enough, and if you have skills as big as Mt. Everest and balls the size of a shipping container like certain True Shit writers whose rock-star hair we all know and love, the Mirage will get around any corner as quick as a Ferrari driven by someone of average (read: no recognizable) skill, even if you have to take out some grass and a couple of hundred-year-old oaks to make that happen. (I never realized those things cost so much to replace. Will the IRS get mad if I expense them and write them off my taxes? Shitwigglers.)
Of course, any lame-ass autojourno can press a car past all reasonable limits of tires, physics, state borders and sanity and say it’s no good, even if they can’t do it anywhere near as well as me. Since I write for True Shit About Cars, the only site with the balls and the hair to tell you the way it is, I decided to do some real-world testing of the cargo area, so I folded down the back seat for a threesome with my hot-ass girlfriend and my other hot-ass girlfriend, something Mike Spinelli has never done. (He prefers to bang my girlfriends one at a time.) Two minutes after their panties hit the trunk floor, it was clear my services were no longer required, but that’s okay, I was finished anyway. I left the two girls to it. Nutflingers.
I’d tell you the Mirage is a good buy for entry-level buyers and an economical if somewhat flawed car, but you can read that claptrap on any lame-ass WordPress back-end website besides mine. Why bother, when none of this really matters? Automotive journalism is dead, and the only reason we have press cars and press fleets is so that a bunch of self-important men with small dicks and shattered dreams can fool themselves into thinking they are authorities on the second biggest purchase made by the average American titfiddler and ignore the fact that the world of automotive “journalism” is crashing down around them like a Malaysia Airlines 777. Everything to which they have devoted their working life is as useless as a screen door with tits. No one gives a shit what we have to say, because the world is filled with useless sniveling twats who think Duck Dynasty is the pinnacle of culture. Everyone — every single man, woman and child on the face of this pathetic fucking planet — is useless and lame. And when I say “everyone,” I mean everyone but you, my readers, the only people with even a shred of intelligence and human decency, not to mention dead-sexy cheekbones. Barkhumpers.
You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.com.
The big news from this year’s Pebble Beach Concorde d’Elephants was the announcement of the Renovo Coupe, an all-electric supercar from Renovo Motors of Silicon Valley.
“Our goal is to build the most exciting cars in the world, and we believe the way to do that is with electric power,” said Christian Heifer, Renovo’s co-founder and CEO.
The $529,000 Renovo Coupe is powered by a pair of axial flux electric motors that produce 500 horsepower and 1,000 lb-ft of torque. With full power available at all speed ranges, the Renovo Coupe can rocket to 60 MPH in 3.4 seconds and on to a top speed of 120 MPH.
Heifer stresses that the Renovo Coupe is more than just a straight-line performer, with Hyperco coil springs, fully-adjustable Öhlins dampers, 6-piston front/4-piston rear disc brakes, and Michelin Pilot Sport tires that the company claims will fulfill the promise of its classic GT-inspired styling.
“The world has never seen an electric car that performs the way ours does,” said Heifer.
Renovo says that with the batteries fully charged, the Coupe has a maximum range of 30 feet.
There was shock, surprise, and much shitting of gaudy golf pants on Sunday when it was announced that the coveted Best of Show award at the Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance was being awarded to a 1998 Plymouth Breeze.
“We are pleased to bestow the Best of Show award on an unrestored original example of a bygone American make,” said Ree Dikuluspantz, Chief Class Judge Chief Honorary Judgechief of this year’s chief judging class committee. “The Plymouth Breeze was rare enough in its day, and to find a fourth-owner unrestored original in operating condition, and furthermore one that is still being used in the manner for which it was designed, is an honor that few concours judges will get to experience.”
Assistant Chief Judge Class Alvin Uglytrouzerz said he chose the Breeze because it represented something different from normal Pebble Beach fare.
“Frankly, if I have to look at one more Ferrari or Deusenberg or Bugatti while some blowhard in ridiculous pants tell me how the supercharger inlet valve casing bears one of Fangio’s fingerprints and the leather upholstery still has traces of blood from the night F. Scott Fitzgerald did too much coke in the passenger seat, I’m going to throw the hell up,” Uglytrouzerz told Autoblopnik.
The winning car, an Expresso [sic] model still wearing its original factory Deep Amethyst Pearlcoat paint, belongs to Vince “Dookie” Dookerwicz, 23, of Watsonville, California, an employee at one of the Concours d’Elegance’s concession stands.
“I parked my car next to the tent to unload a couple of cases of sesame buns and some Slurpee mix, and when I came back out, the car was surrounded by a bunch of old guys with funny-looking pants and clipboards,” Dookerwicz told Autoblopnik. “I got in trouble with my boss last year for bumming a cigarette off one of the ladies attending the show, so I just shut up and stayed out of the way. Next thing I knew, they were handing me a trophy.”
Dookerwicz said he was genuinely surprised at the win, and was especially pleased when a Pebble Beach representative presented him with a bottle of Dom Perignon, which Dookerwicz was confident would be regarded by his girlfriend as a reasonable substitute for foreplay.
“If had known the car was going to win Pebble, I would have taken out the baby seat and maybe tried to clean the vomit out of the floor mats,” Dookerwicz told Autoblopnik. “And I also would have worn sillier pants.”
© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Mark Retchin’s pants