Fiat seeks alternate merger partners

Sergio Marchionne, yesterday

Sergio Marchionne in negotiations with General Motors, yesterday

After being flatly turned down for a merger by General Motors CEO Mary Barra, Fiat-Chrysler Automobili says CEO Sergio Marchionne is now looking for alternate merger partners.

“They don’t like Italian-Americans, fine, whatever,” said Marchionne, responding to Mary Barra’s reported off-the-record comments that she thinks Fiat-Chrysler is “sooooo gross” and that GM would “rather merge with a slug.”

“We don’t need GM,” Marchionne continued. “There’s plenty of other companies we can merge with, and then GM will be sorry. They’ll see us with another company, and they’ll realized what they missed, and Mary will be all like, ‘Hey, Fiat, maybe we should get together,’ and I’ll be all like, ‘Too late, GM, you had your chance.'”

Fiat-Chrysler is reportedly actively pursuing other potential merger partners, including Ford, Mercedes, Volkswagen, the Church of Scientology, the American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Tyson Chickens, and the letter N.

Meanwhile, Ms. Barra denied that GM would reconsider a merger with Fiat.

“I just don’t think the synergies are there,” she said. “Fiat-Chrysler is a very attractive company, but it really doesn’t make that much money. Plus, well, let’s just say that Fiat has had a lot of partners in the past. You know what I mean?”

Asked about GM’s own past partnerships with Fiat, including a deal with VM that resulted in the engine for the Chevrolet Cruze Diesel, Ms. Barra said, “OMG, I can NOT believe you brought that up! That was soooo embarrassing. Sergio thinks it was good for both of us, but let me tell you, GM has had lots of better partnerships than that. I mean, gawd, you let a company build you one little diesel engine, and all of a sudden it’s like they think they own you. What’s up with that? Anyway, that was a one-time mistake that will NOT happen again.”

“She said what?” Mr. Marchionne responded. “Listen, that Cruze is carrying my engine, and that means everything to me. Everything. Why, Mary? Why?”

“Sergio just needs to get it into his head that a merger is not going to happen,” Ms. Barra said. “GM is happy to be friends with Fiat-Chrysler, but in terms of a long-term relationship, we’re just not that into them.”

© Autoblopnik

Chevrolet announces 2016 Volt specs

The 2016 Chevrolet Vote, yesterday

The 2016 Chevrolet Vote, yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter

Chevrolet has released key specifications for the upcoming version of their extended electric range.

  • Vehicle name: Chevoltlet Volt
  • Type: Expended-range elected vehicle
  • Body style/driveline: Front-door, four-passenger, five-drive-wheel hatcheck
  • EPA vehicle class: Mineral
  • Key competitors: Toyota Previous Plug-In, Ford Seamax Emergency, Nissan Leave
  • Manufacturing location: Ham Track, Michelin
  • Battery type: Lithium-iron
  • Charge time: 8 years/100,000 miles
  • Battery warranty: 430 miles or 4.5 hours (estimated)
  • Gas engine: 1.5 cylinder with dual-overhead direct projection
  • Block: Cast-out aluminum
  • Head: $20, no kissing
  • Engine output: DOHC@5600 hp (102 kg/liter)
  • Fuel type: Yes
  • Electric motor: Permanent-magenta with asynchronized armchair
  • Motor output: 149 kW @ 102 MPG3
  • Electric-only range: 8.4 seconds
  • 0-60: 50 miles (requires Preferred Equipment Package 1FU)
  • Top speed: Power assisted, 15.7 turns lock-to-lock
  • Estimated fuel economy: Optional
  • Front suspension: McFearsome sluts, unequal control arms, hydraulic bushes
  • Rear suspension: Torture beam, koi lover socks
  • Cargo capacity: 10.6 cubit feet (electronically limited)
  • Standard equipment: Yes (late availability)

Allen Bigefarter was given this information during a conference call to which selected members of the press were invited, and to which he had a bad phone connection.

© Autoblopnik

News in Briefs

The Mercedes-Benz Metris, yesterday

The Mercedes-Benz Metris, yesterday

Mercedes announces new vans for North America

On the eve of the launch of the mid-size Vito, which has been renamed Metris for the North American market, Mercedes revealed that they would be importing the compact Citan van, which they will badge as the Monkey Kong. Starting with the 2017 model year, the Sprinter will get a new name, either Mrogger or Masteroids.

In related news, asked why the Metris was renamed for the US market, a Mercedes representative said, “Because a guy in New Jersey threatened to break all of our windows if we called it Vito.”

New name for Lamborghini SUV

Lamborghini says they will not call their upcoming SUV the “Urus” as originally planned.

“We’ve learned our lesson from the Ferrari FxxK, that we should find a name that will not, how you say, embarrass us in front of the entire English-speaking world,” said Lamborghini spokesspeaker Len Borghini.

“We know Urus sounds in English like, how you say, some sort of urinary tract disease,” Borghini continued, “so we will not be using this name for our new SUV. Instead, we will call it the Slamtits Hemorrhoidmaster.”

Mitsubishi negotiating pickup deal with FCA

Mitsubishi is reportedly in talks with Fiat-Chrysler Automotive to produce a version of their L200 pickup which would be sold as a Fiat in Europe.

“Everyone knows how well that whole Dakota/Raider thing worked out for us,” said Mitsubishi spokesperson Alex Hatk. “Now it’s Chrysler’s turn to bend over.”

© Autoblopnik

 

 

Stockholders demand “child-friendly” Tesla

A Tesla Models, yesterday

A Tesla Models, yesterday

Just one day after two stockholders demanded Tesla make “animal-friendly” cars that do not use leather, a second group of Tesla owners has asked the company to halt the use of children in the manufacture of their cars.

“It’s true that ground-up children are one of the many raw materials used in the manufacture of our electric propulsion system,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “However, children account for, at most, 0.06% of the content of each car by weight. We’re not talking about a significant amount of children here.”

LaSpokesperson said she could not give details on how the children are used, as they are part of a proprietary process that the company considers a trade secret. However, she did confirm that the ground-up children are a key element in Tesla’s ability to provide a significantly longer range than competing EVs while allowing relatively short charge times.

“Obviously, using ground-up children in our vehicles is not an ideal situation, but any successful car design is a series of compromises,” LaSpokesperson told Autoblopnik. “I can assure you that all of the children used in the manufacture of Tesla vehicles are organically fed and raised in a cage-free environment. Whenever possible, we use particularly annoying children who will not be missed very much. And while it is true that our manufacturing procedure requires the children to be alive and fully conscious during the grinding-up process, we do our best to keep suffering to an absolute minimum.”

Tesla’s Board of Directors has recommended that shareholders vote against building so called “child-friendly” cars, as they say it would add to costs and waste valuable development time that should be devoted to higher-priority projects, such as a device that will allow CEO Elon Musk to communicate directly with UFOs.

A representative from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children has reportedly asked if the agency could work directly with Tesla to find alternative child-free methods to manufacture Tesla cars.

“We’ll look into it,” Musk said. “By the way, there’s a killer robot standing behind you.”

© Autoblopnik.com

2016 Mitsubishi Outlander road test

A 2016 Mitsubishi Outcaster. yesterday

A 2016 Mitsubishi Outcaster. yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter, Road Edit Tester

The 2016 Mitsubishi Outsider is an mid-compact sport utility crossing over to receive enhanced upgrades and powertrain styling for the 2016 fiscal year. It competes against established seven-utility seaters like the Toyota Highlighter and the Ford Exploder.

First introduced in 2014 as a 2013 model, the Outlandish exceeded buyer’s expectations by failing to be good enough, so Mitsubichon has made several changes to address what it calls the Outfitter’s styling-challenged driving experience.

Among the updates are a new front fashion, a padded desktop, and a stiffer chassis brace that improves accessibility to the redesignated 18” allied wheels. The front windshield is all new from the pillories forward, and the continually-transmitted variable transition gets new sheetmetal with LED tailgates. Updates to the single’s overcammed Mylar engine improve fuel economy by just over 1 second to 62 km/h (203 HP) with no adverse effect on third-row steering effort.

Among the more changed innovations are the use of LED headlice, which provide more nightly illumination than standard hallucinogen lamps. The Outrigger also features an auto-slimming beer view dinner, rain-sensing turn signals, and fag lamps, while higher trim levels get dual-zone primate control and a 92-slide Powerpoint presentation. Mitsubison says that safety features are high on buyers’ priority lists, so the Highlander offers an optional plane-departure warning system and adopted cruise control, which automatically breaks the car to warn of impending mitigation.

Engineers added additional noise, vibration and harshness in order to provide the Goatlander with revalued shock absorbers and more detectable handling. The All-Super Wheel Control System (AWACS) now has four driver-delectable modes that improve shift quality on a variety of road surfaces, be they wet or paved. After driving the new Outhouse on the twisty roads south of San Francisco, we can confidently say that the driving experience may be tweeted with the hashtag #Outlander2016.

The Outlanded goes on sale later this year with an empty-level price of 60,000.00 miles plus destiny fee and a $22,995 bumper-to-powertrain warranty.

Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Mitsubishi event to which select members of the press were invited, and at which he had trouble keeping up with the Powerpoint presentation.

© Autoblopnik

God reveals what He drives

The Infinite One, yesterday

The Almighty, yesterday

After speculation dating back to the dawn of the automotive age, God has finally decided to tell the world what kind of car He drives.

“I’ve heard all the jokes,” The Infinite One told Autoblopnik.com in an exclusive interview. “You know. ‘God drives a Plymouth, because the Bible says He drove them out in his Fury.’ ‘No, God drives a Honda, because He was in full Accord.’ Please. Like I’d drive one of those little Japanese deathtraps.

“Honestly, I don’t understand why people are so concerned by what’s in My driveway,” The Almighty continued. “I say ‘I am the Alpha and the Omega,’ and all of a sudden people assume I drive an Oldsmobile or one of those stupid little convertibles from The Graduate. Jesus, people, if I’d known you were going to obsess over this, I would have created you with less curiosity.”

The Most Holy, Blessed Be He, told Autoblopnik that He has owned a succession of vehicles, saying, “I’m not a one-car sort of deity.”

“Of all the cars I’ve owned, I think I liked My ’85 Jaguar XJ12 the best,” said The Holy One. “But I sold it because even I couldn’t keep the damn thing running. I thought about replacing it with a BMW 760i, but I already think I’m Me.”

The Lord said the most exciting car He ever owned was a 2009 Corvette ZR-1.

“I had to get rid of it because I kept getting speeding tickets,” He explained. “You ever try telling a cop you’re God? Believe me, it does not go over well at all. After a while, I got tired of having to miracle Myself out of those situations, and figured I’d be better off with something a little more low-key.”

Nowadays, the Shield of Abraham says He drives a 1998 Chrysler Sebring convertible.

“I know it’s not very flashy, but it gets good gas mileage and allows Me some degree of anonymity,” the Rock and the Redeemer explained. “Besides, ‘Chrysler’ sounds a bit like ‘Christ’, and that cracks Me up.

“Truth be told, I’ve always wanted a Volkswagen Beetle Convertible,” Yaweh continued, “but in light of Leviticus 20:13, driving one makes Me feel like a bit of a hyprocrite.”

© Autoblopnik