General Motors recalls other manufacturers’ vehicles

A Toyota Corolla expected to be recalled by GM tomorrow, yesterday

One of the non-GM vehicles being recalled by GM today, yesterday

Just a day after issuing six recalls covering 7.6 million of its own vehicles, General Motors announced that it will recall several cars made by other manufacturers.

“We’re simply running out of our own vehicles to recall,” said General Motors CEO Mary “Huggy” Barra. “The only way we can keep up with this hectic recall pace is to begin recalling other automakers’ products as well.”

According to a statement issued by General Motors, the company will start by recalling the 2014 BMW 4-series for turning its drivers into insufferable douchebags; the 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage, which is so slow that it’s keeping the rest of us from getting to work on time; and the 2014 Toyota Corolla, which over time may completely erode the driver’s will to live.

Along with the recall notices, Ms. Barra issued an apology on the company’s media web site.

“We are sorry that other automakers are as unable to get their shit together as we are,” Ms. Barra wrote. “We know what the public expects from our industry, and that is to consistently produce hundreds of thousands of complex machines, each consisting of approximately 30,000 parts, which can magically turn dead dinosaurs into motion, and to do so reliably, flawlessly and free of defects, all while protecting our dumb-ass customers from death and injury when our they attempt to nominate themselves for the Darwin Awards. We have failed to meet those expectations, and we as an industry must do better.”

Ms. Barra says she expects to be questioned about the recalls during her monthly Congressional appearance. In related news, the city of Washington, D.C., has launched an investigation to determine if Ms. Barra should be paying resident income taxes.

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Matt Lauer interviews Mark Fields

Tomorrow's Today interview, yesterday

Tomorrow’s Today interview, yesterday

As a follow-up to his controversial interview with GM CEO Mary Barra, Today Show correspondent Matt Lauer taped an interview with Mark Fields, soon-to-be CEO of Ford Motor Company, which is expected to air next week. Autoblopnik has obtained an exclusive transcript.

LAUER: Good morning, Mr. Fields, and thank you for joining us.

FIELDS: Thank you for having me, Matt.

LAUER: And congratulations on being named Ford Motor Company’s next CEO.

FIELDS: Thank you. It’s a real honor, and honor and a privilege.

LAUER: There’s been a lot of speculation as to why you were named Ford’s new CEO. Why do you think you got the job?

FIELDS: Well, you know, Matt, I’ve been with this company almost my entire working life. I’ve been asked to take on some major responsibilities, running brands like Mazda, Jaguar and Land Rover and Volvo when we owned them. Under Alan Mulally, I ran our North American operations, and it was great to be able to make some major changes under Alan’s leadership. I think the Board of Directors felt I was the person best qualified to build on the great work Al has done. And that’s really an honor. It’s daunting [laughs], but it’s an honor.

LAUER: I want to tread lightly here, but you’ve heard this. You’ve heard it on web sites and you’ve heard it on blogs. You got this job because you are hugely qualified, 25 years in this company, a variety of different jobs. But there are some people who are speculating that you got this job because of your awesome hair, because people within Ford knew that as a guy with awesome hair, you could present a better image for the company. Does that make sense or does it make you bristle?

FIELDS: Well, that’s absolutely not true, Matt. I believe I was selected for this job because of my qualifications, not my appearance.

LAUER: Okay, let’s move on. Ford has been under a lot of pressure, in the media and from consumers, because you’ve had to restate the fuel economy ratings for many of your cars. That’s been–

FIELDS: Yes.

LAUER: –a real challenge for Ford.

FIELDS: Yes, it has.

LAUER: There are people who say that the best way to deal with this, to deal with the public relations fallout, is to have a CEO with awesome hair.

FIELDS: Well, Matt, I really don’t think that has anything to do with it. Mistakes were made, and we regret that, and we have done our best to find out how those mistakes were made so we can make corrections and improve the process. You can’t run an American car company without the trust and the confidence of the American people. It’s important that we have that, and we need to come clean and say “This is where we messed up” and get that trust back.

LAUER: Do you think you are in a better position to regain that trust because of your awesome hair?

FIELDS: I really don’t think that has anything to do with it, Matt. Obviously, that situation was foremost in the minds of Al and of our Board of Directors when they selected me as CEO. I think that I have proven that I could deal effectively with those situations, because I–

LAUER: Because you have awesome hair?

FIELDS: No, Matt, this has nothing to do with — this is about my qualifications, my track record. Go back to when we first got Jaguar and Land Rover, and we had to make changes, we had to turn around those brands and their brand images, and with Land Rover especially, we were able to build a strong image for that brand. And I take pride in that, the work that my team and I did to make that happen.

LAUER: But you had awesome hair when you were running those brands.

FIELDS: Matt, can we drop the thing about my hair? It’s really not relevant. And I really don’t–

LAUER: Okay–

FIELDS: I don’t like that you keep–

LAUER: Okay, let’s move on to a different subject. Let’s talk about the automotive bailouts. Ford was the only automaker to survive the economic crisis without relying on government loans.

FIELDS: Yes, and we’re very proud of that. We’re grateful that the government offered a lifeline, and we’re glad that Chrysler and General Motors took advantage of that, because having either of those companies fail would have been bad for our industry, but we’re proud that Ford was able to survive on its own.

LAUER: Do you think that had anything to do with your awesome hair?

FIELDS: Okay, I think I’ve had enough of this.

LAUER: Because the CEOs of GM and Chrysler did not have awesome hair. They had ordinary hair.

FIELDS: I’m done with this. This is ridiculous, you and Jalopnik and your fascination with my hair. I’m just — This is ridiculous. I’m out of here.

LAUER: Mark Fields, thank you for joining us this morning. Great to see you and your awesome hair.

FIELDS: Fuck you, Matt.

LAUER: Mark Fields, who this week takes the reins as CEO of Ford Motor Company. Back to you, Savannah.

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Automatch Tom

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Bick Skruth drives the Jaguar F-Type

Bick SkruthBick Skruth is an experienced racer, biker, and hair stylist. He contributes to several web sites, and we are pleased to welcome him to Autoblopnik.

Hi, beautiful intelligent people! I’ve just come back from driving the Jaguar F-TYPE Coupe at Willow Springs International Raceway. It’s always good fun to share the track with a bunch of spoiled automotive writers who brag about their racing credentials and then get out there and run a line that looks like Michael J. Fox’s autograph. I could have outrun every single one of those guys in my Honda, blindfolded with my hands and feet bound and with a dwarf giving me a blowjob, but of course I didn’t drive anywhere near that fast because I don’t want to show everyone up. I did manage to smoke the brakes on a few cars and flat-spot the tires on a couple more, but that’s because I’m awesome. And yet Jaguar took this to mean that I was “driving too aggressively” and asked me to leave the track. Jacktards.

After the track it was off to dinner with the geriatric NACATOTY shuffle-steerers and the ever-more-irrelevant print magazine “journalists”. It’s always amusing to sit down and hear these guys compare the evening’s fare to the Bentley breakfast in Buenos Aires or the S-Class spread in Stuttgart. Truth is, you could substitute shit for the shiitakes on their filet mignon and most of these wannabes wouldn’t know the difference. I’ve enjoyed better meals in Malaysian whorehouses. No, seriously, the food in Malaysian whorehouses is really good. Not that my “colleagues” would know this. Dickwagons.

The 2015 Jaguar Ftyper Coupe, yesterday

The 2015 Jaguar Ftyper Coupe, yesterday

So how is the Jaguar F-TYPE Coupe? It amazes me how journalists get all excited by a loud exhaust and some fake wood on the dash. Truth is this is just another English shitpile that will generate enough warranty claims to fund the defense budget of Uganda, but the so-called “journalists” don’t care because by then they’ll be busy with the Panamera preview in Peru or the Sonata soiree in Switzerland, and even if they did attempt to feign some interest in the plight of the real-world buyer with whom they are so desperately out of touch, they’d never risk terminating that next trip to Tunisia by writing anything bad about the car. Yes it’s fast but the truth is a skilled helmsmith like myself can make better time in my amazingly awesome Accord, the most perfect car ever crafted by man, not that I would want to do that of course because then I would embarrass the Jaguar engineers who seem to think they’ve created something truly excellent. Titwankers.

Not that any of this matters, because automotive journalism is dead. It’s just a bunch of PR flacks flying a bunch of overfed hacks around the world so the can write fancy stories telling acne-faced 19-year-olds who can’t afford a car anyway how awesome their lives are. The truth is that the car buying public doesn’t read anything we write. They will happily drive whatever piece of automotive mediocrity they can get for $99 down and $249 a month with free extended warranty and paint sealant. The general public are mindless sheep and don’t give a green shit about cars, the exception being the people who read my web site who are the brightest and sweetest-smelling people in the world. Pigfuckers.

You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.com.

© Autoblopnik

 

Car review in haiku: Jaguar F-Type R Coupe

2015 Jaguar F-Type R Coupe, yesterday

2015 Jaguar F-Type R Coupe, yesterday

Shades of classic E,
Menacing looks promise speed.
Too bad it won’t start.

  • Model/price as tested: 2015 Jaguar F-Type S Coupe, $111,925
  • Powertrain: 5.0 liter supercharged V8, 550 hp, rear-wheel-drive
  • Performance: 0-60 4.0 seconds, top speed 190 MPH

Disclaimer: Autoblopnik may or may not have been present at a press event to which selected members of the media were invited. Or we might have just looked longingly at an F-Type through a dealer showroom window while we waited for the oil to be changed on our Dodge Colt.

Fiat finishes last in J.D. Power IQS

A Fiat 500L, yesterday

A brand-new Fiat 500L, yesterday

J.D. Power and Associates announced the results of their 2014 Initial Quality Study™ in which the Fiat division of the newly-formed Fiat-Chrysler Chryslermotive Corporation finished dead last, with each new Fiat experiencing an average of more than two problems.

“We are incredibly proud of our poor performance,” said Chrysler-Fiat spokesproblem Riccardo Denauissimo. “A lot of people were worried that adapting Fiat cars for the American market would take away the essential character of the brand. Our last-place finish in the J.D. Power Initial Quality Study™ shows that Fiat is still very much Fiat.”

Nearly Double Industry Average

The JD Power Initial Quality Study™ measures the number of problems experienced per hundred vehicles in the first ninety days of ownership.

“Fiat’s score of 206 problems per 100 cars is nearly double the industry average,” explained J. D. Power and Associates spokespower Jefferson Davis Powaaaah™. “The ironic thing is that it would be more than double the average if their crappy cars hadn’t raised the average so high. Honestly, I wish Fiat would build their cars better, because those big numbers really screw up our bar graphs. You have to squint to see the winning scores.”

Owners Enthusiastic

Fiat owners are showing surprising enthusiasm about Fiat’s poor quality performance.

“My 500 Abarth has been back in the shop fourteen times in the year and a half since I bought it, and I couldn’t be happier,” said Giovanni Doeissimo, president of the Fiat Owners Club of Kenosha. “When I first got my car, my father said it wasn’t a proper Fiat because the windshield didn’t leak and it would usually start on the second or third try. But now that the car is on its second air conditioning compressor and its third water pump, he’s singing a different tune. Last week I went to take Dad for a ride and the door handle came right off in his hand! We just laughed and laughed. He said it made him nostalgic for the 124 Spyder he drove in college.”

Giovanetta Smithissimo, a schoolteacher and part-time dominatrix from Greasyneck, New Jersey, says her 500 reminds her of her first new car, a 1980 Fiat Strada, which she fondly remembers could be counted on to work at least two days out of every week.

“I drove that car until the front suspension rotted right out of the body, which happened about eight months after I bought it,” she said. “Since then, I’ve owned a Renault Alliance, a Hyundai Excel, a Plymouth Volare, a Ford Aspire, a Chevy Citation, an Eagle Premiere, even a Yugo GV, but I never liked any of them as much as my Strada. I’ve had my 500 for two months, and already the doors are starting to rust and the turn signals have stopped working when it rains. I’m so happy to be driving a Fiat again!”

Another Subhead Goes Here

Dodge, Ram and Jeep owners also reported a higher-than-average number of problems, with Jeep second only to Fiat. Chrysler’s defect rate was disappointingly low, a situation that Denauissimo says the company plans to address.

“Italian brands don’t corner the market on sub-par build quality,” he told Autoblopnik. “American car companies in general, and Chrysler in particular, have a long history of building crappy cars. We’re happy that Fiat is willing to keep traditions like this alive.”

© Autoblopnik

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