BMW today took the wraps off the first special edition of the upcoming 4-series coupe, the 428i Asshat Edition.
Aimed at traditional 3-series coupe buyers, the 428i Asshat Edition features gloss black or flat gray paint, a lowered suspension, 30″ chrome-clad alloy wheels rims with 255/10R30 Toyo Spine Destroyer tires, 5,000 watt stereo with quadruple subwoofers, deep-tinted windows that automatically open when the stereo volume is above 30%, and a Smoker’s Package. Turn signals have been eliminated, as they are considered unnecessary by the 428i Asshat Edition’s target buyers.
The 428i Asshat Edition will be powered by the same 240 horsepower turbocharged 4-cylinder found in the 328i, but will feature the buyer’s choice of “435i” or “M4” trunk badges. Options include Radick Cruise Control, which detects cars in the left lane, blows past them on the right, then resumes a speed 2 MPH slower than however fast that car was going.
The 435i Asshat Edition will be available exclusively to single male customers under the age of 35 on a 24-month lease with monthly payments of $799 or 2/3rds of the lessor’s Home Electronics Superstore paycheck, whichever is greater.
BMW North America today gleefully released the results of a study they say provides conclusive proof that BMW owners are not selfish assholes.
The study, based on a survey conducted by Trenton Community College’s prestigious Howard B. Fingenfinger School of Hotel Management and Custodial Arts, asked a sample of 5,000 American drivers to pick from a list the term that best described people who own and drive BMWs.
“Self-absorbed dickheads” was the #1 answer, chosen by 31.1% of respondents, followed by “image-obsessed egomaniacs” (23.6%) and “narcissistic social climbers” (20.4%). “Selfish assholes” was selected by 14.2% of repondants, followed closely by “chronic masturbators” at 8.1%. “Car enthusiasts” and “beautiful people with better lives than you” together totaled just under 2%, which happens to correspond to BMW’s market share in the United States.
“This survey shows that the vast majority of Americans, nearly 4/5ths of the population, do not think BMW owners are selfish assholes,” said BMW spokesman Harold Twit-Fetish. “While a few isolated critics may choose to use such derogatory language to describe our customers, this survey proves that the majority of American drivers don’t, and in America, majority rules.”
When asked by Autoblopnik about the other descriptions chosen by the majority of respondands, Twit-Fetish said, “Oh, they’re probably just jealous, driving around in their Japanese shitboxes with their uninteresting spouses and their sad little lives.”
© 2012 Autoblopnik