ActualSigma.com is a web site that provides analysis-based data to help buyers find the right new car. Site founder and pedantic self-described genius David Koresh has graciously agreed to answer our readers’ car-buying questions.

Dear ActualSigma,

I am trying to decide between a Honda CR-V and a Chevrolet Equinox. Can you tell me which is the better vehicle?

Sincerely,
Confused in Cincinatti

Dear Confiscated,

Of course I can! That’s why I created my web site, ActualSigma.com. Most car sites are full of superficial bullshit. They don’t give you the real facts. They’re afraid of the real facts. Oh, sure, they’ll tell you which car has a bigger cargo compartment or a roomier back seat or crisper turn-in, but where’s the real data? The important data? Only ActualSigma.com drills down and sums up the actual data, the things you need to know to make an informed buying decision. Which car has a higher tire loading per square inch of cargo pounds carried? Which averages fewer warranty repairs per turn-signal click-ounce? How will a sudden drop in temperature affect the viscosity of the glove-compartment-hinge grease? You won’t find critical details like that in Car and Driver, and yet those assholes are the ones who get the free test cars and all-expense-paid press trips to Barcelona, while I have to resort to washing and waxing cars at the local dealership so I can test drive them between the showroom and the back lot.

Sorry, did you ask me something about a RAV4?

Dear ActualSigma,

I am a stay-at-home mom with two kids and a third on the way. I want to buy a Toyota Highlander, but my husband thinks we should get a Dodge Challenger. Which car is best for us?

Thank you,
Betsy in Burbank

Dear Busty,

Questions like yours are exactly why I started ActualSigma.com! Ordinary car sites would tell you right off the bat to buy the Highlander, but they lack the technology we have. Only ActualSigma.com has the tools to give you a true needs analysis. Since you have children, you are no doubt concerned about interior durability, so you’ll want to consider our exclusive Cabin Plastics and Fabrics Scuffingness Index. You get lots of snow up there in Buffalo, so it’s important to check out our Traction Per Pound Of Horsepower comparisons, and of course you don’t want to have your car break down at a time when your husband can’t come to get you, so you should take a careful look at our Mechanical Incidents per Month-Pound of Aluminum Content Indicator.

When I run the calculations through our patented ActualSigma.com Best Car Finder For You Yes We Mean You™ computerized algorithm, the data analysis tells me that the best car for your family is a Smart ForTwo Cabriolet.

By the way, would you mind emailing me some pictures of yourself at nine months?

Dear ActualSigma,

I recently test-drove a BMW 335i and a Lexus IS350 F-Sport. I bought the BMW because I thought it would help me get girls, but my friends are telling me that the Lexus is a better car and the BMW makes me look like a douchebag. Did I buy the wrong one?

Best wishes,
BMW Buyer’s Remorse

Dear BM,

Christ on Earth, why do I even bother writing ActualSigma.com when you people can’t be bothered to fucking read it? If you had checked out ActualSigma.com before you made such an idiotic purchase, you would know that the Lexus is the better car. Not only does the Lexus have an additional 0.65 square inch-ounces of swept disc clamping force, but its 3.5 liter V6 develops a peak cylinder BMEP that is 0.06% higher than the BMW’s inline turbo six is capable of developing, plus it’s less likely to end up in the shop with a camshaft problem on the third rainy Thursday of any month with an R in it. It’s true, our data does show that the BMW is 56% more likely to attract women with big fake bazoombas and loose morals who will give up the goods on the first date, but I’m married to my junior high school sweetheart and if you ask me, sex is highly overrated. We gave it up after a couple of failed attempts.

And yeah, the BMW makes you look like a total douchebag.

Any resemblance between Mr. Koresh’s name and that of a famous cult leader is strictly coincidental but only partly unintentional. Another great idea ripped off from SniffPetrol.com.

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