Ford Motor Company livened up an otherwise slow news day by announcing that they would switch from BlackBerry to Apple as their corporate mobile phone provider.
“We think this is an important move for a company that embraces modern technology,” said Ford spokesphoner Sid Deet, pausing his Depeche Mode CD and demonstrating how the iPhone fits easily into the pockets of his acid-wash jeans. “We really think the iPhone reflects the forward-looking attitude here at Ford, along with other mobile devices like this Nintendo Game Boy.”
Ford’s Vice President of Information Systems Chris Chinwarrior said the Apple iPhone would fit seamlessly into the company’s existing data infrastructure.
“Now that we’ve upgraded our back end from token ring to ten megabit Ethernet, we should have plenty of bandwidth to support the phones,” Chinwarrior told Autoblopnik. “We think they will work flawlessly with our Windows NT servers.”
Deet said the iPhones were part of a much larger modernization program at Ford, which would include upgrading factory equipment from steam-driven belt drives to electricity and installing air conditioning in up to 25% of Ford’s corporate facilities.
“If all goes well, we may even consider promoting women and minorities into high-level executive positions,” Deet said. “Although we don’t want to bite off more than we can chew.”
As a follow-up to his controversial interview with GM CEO Mary Barra, Today Show correspondent Matt Lauer taped an interview with Mark Fields, soon-to-be CEO of Ford Motor Company, which is expected to air next week. Autoblopnik has obtained an exclusive transcript.
LAUER: Good morning, Mr. Fields, and thank you for joining us.
FIELDS: Thank you for having me, Matt.
LAUER: And congratulations on being named Ford Motor Company’s next CEO.
FIELDS: Thank you. It’s a real honor, and honor and a privilege.
LAUER: There’s been a lot of speculation as to why you were named Ford’s new CEO. Why do you think you got the job?
FIELDS: Well, you know, Matt, I’ve been with this company almost my entire working life. I’ve been asked to take on some major responsibilities, running brands like Mazda, Jaguar and Land Rover and Volvo when we owned them. Under Alan Mulally, I ran our North American operations, and it was great to be able to make some major changes under Alan’s leadership. I think the Board of Directors felt I was the person best qualified to build on the great work Al has done. And that’s really an honor. It’s daunting [laughs], but it’s an honor.
LAUER: I want to tread lightly here, but you’ve heard this. You’ve heard it on web sites and you’ve heard it on blogs. You got this job because you are hugely qualified, 25 years in this company, a variety of different jobs. But there are some people who are speculating that you got this job because of your awesome hair, because people within Ford knew that as a guy with awesome hair, you could present a better image for the company. Does that make sense or does it make you bristle?
FIELDS: Well, that’s absolutely not true, Matt. I believe I was selected for this job because of my qualifications, not my appearance.
LAUER: Okay, let’s move on. Ford has been under a lot of pressure, in the media and from consumers, because you’ve had to restate the fuel economy ratings for many of your cars. That’s been–
LAUER: –a real challenge for Ford.
FIELDS: Yes, it has.
LAUER: There are people who say that the best way to deal with this, to deal with the public relations fallout, is to have a CEO with awesome hair.
FIELDS: Well, Matt, I really don’t think that has anything to do with it. Mistakes were made, and we regret that, and we have done our best to find out how those mistakes were made so we can make corrections and improve the process. You can’t run an American car company without the trust and the confidence of the American people. It’s important that we have that, and we need to come clean and say “This is where we messed up” and get that trust back.
LAUER: Do you think you are in a better position to regain that trust because of your awesome hair?
FIELDS: I really don’t think that has anything to do with it, Matt. Obviously, that situation was foremost in the minds of Al and of our Board of Directors when they selected me as CEO. I think that I have proven that I could deal effectively with those situations, because I–
LAUER: Because you have awesome hair?
FIELDS: No, Matt, this has nothing to do with — this is about my qualifications, my track record. Go back to when we first got Jaguar and Land Rover, and we had to make changes, we had to turn around those brands and their brand images, and with Land Rover especially, we were able to build a strong image for that brand. And I take pride in that, the work that my team and I did to make that happen.
LAUER: But you had awesome hair when you were running those brands.
FIELDS: Matt, can we drop the thing about my hair? It’s really not relevant. And I really don’t–
FIELDS: I don’t like that you keep–
LAUER: Okay, let’s move on to a different subject. Let’s talk about the automotive bailouts. Ford was the only automaker to survive the economic crisis without relying on government loans.
FIELDS: Yes, and we’re very proud of that. We’re grateful that the government offered a lifeline, and we’re glad that Chrysler and General Motors took advantage of that, because having either of those companies fail would have been bad for our industry, but we’re proud that Ford was able to survive on its own.
LAUER: Do you think that had anything to do with your awesome hair?
FIELDS: Okay, I think I’ve had enough of this.
LAUER: Because the CEOs of GM and Chrysler did not have awesome hair. They had ordinary hair.
FIELDS: I’m done with this. This is ridiculous, you and Jalopnik and your fascination with my hair. I’m just — This is ridiculous. I’m out of here.
LAUER: Mark Fields, thank you for joining us this morning. Great to see you and your awesome hair.
FIELDS: Fuck you, Matt.
LAUER: Mark Fields, who this week takes the reins as CEO of Ford Motor Company. Back to you, Savannah.
© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Automatch Tom
Just days after Jaguar Land Rover announced a record profit of £1.9 billion (approximately $23 trillion in US funds), Ford announced that its 2008 sale to Indian automaker Tata was invalid.
“Yes, it’s true that the deal appeared to be legal and binding,” said Ford spokeslawyer Sue DiBastid. “However, our representative had his fingers crossed behind his back while signing the final paperwork, which invalidates the sale.”
Tata’s chief council Sol Lissiter said that he and the rest of Tata’s legal team had forseen such a possibility, and had protected the company’s interests by shouting “No backsies!” immediately after affixing his signature. However, DiBastid disputes the legitimacy of Tata’s no-backsies claim.
“Everyone knows that ‘no backsies’ only counts if it is said by the owner of the property in question,” DiBastid told Autoblopnik. “Solly can shout ‘no backsies’ until his face turns blue, the oceans turn to glue, and the sun and the moon go to Timbuktu, but that doesn’t make the sale of Jaguar Land Rover valid.”
Ford and Tata reportedly exchanged several angry memos covering topics that included deficiencies in each other’s personal hygiene, the presence of fecal matter in their cranial cavities, and the frequency and lack of discretion with which their respective mothers choose new sexual partners.
The two companies had originally agreed to settle the matter with a physical altercation behind the Ford headquarters building after office hours. However, all talk of the dispute abruptly ceased after it was announced that Tata had recieved a Playstation 4 as an early birthday present, and that its mother was allowing the company to invite friends over to play video games on a school night, but just this once as a special treat.
Ford announced that it will counter the upcoming Dodge Challenger Hellcat with a new version the Mustang to be called the Heavenferret.
Spokesferret Jay Soncampeight described the Mustang Heavenferret’s engine as a twin-turbocharged, quad-supercharged 7.5 liter V8 producing “eight hundred plus” horsepower and “I’m not sure but whatever it is it’ll be more than Dodge” lb-ft of torque.
Soncampeight said the new Mustang Heavenferret will get from 0-60 in about 4.5 seconds. When told that the Challenger Hellcat has a preducted 0-60 time under four seconds, Soncapmeight said, “In that case, the Hevenferret does it in three point five. No, you know what? The Mustang Heavenferret is always going 60 MPH. It doesn’t have to accelerate to 60 because it’s already going 60. All the time.”
He then added, “Let’s see those Eye-talians beat that.”
Asked about the Heavenferret name, Soncampeight explained that ferrets tend to be owned by young, trendy, forward-thinking individuals, while cat people tend to suffer from low self esteem, unfulfilling personal relationships, and chronic Toyota ownership.
“Besides,” he said, “the new Mustang kind of looks like a ferret.”
General Motors would not comment on plans for a competing vehicle, but an anonymous company representative named Fred told Autoblopnik that Chevrolet is considering an 11-liter, 1200 horsepower version of the Camaro to be called the Purgatorychicken.
Ford Motor Company today confirmed that Henry Ford rose from the grave last week in order to discuss key strategic issues concerning the auto company that bears his name.
“Mr. Ford wanted more insight into the promotion of Mark Fields to President and CEO,” said Ford spokesfields Sid Deet. “He was concerned that Mr. Field’s appointment was part of a Zionist conspiracy to take over the Ford Motor Company. Once we told him about Mr. Field’s long tenure and significant accomplishments, and assured him that the thing on his head was his hair and not a fancy yarmulke, Mr. Ford expressed both relief and approval.”
Although Fields’ appointment was the primary reason for Mr. Ford’s visit, Deet says he discussed several relevant issues with Ford’s upper management.
“Mr. Ford toured our powertrain engineering facility, and was especially pleased with the new range of EcoBoost™ engines,” said Deet. “He said that we were smart to replace our V6s with turbocharged four-cylinders, since six cylinder engines are inherently untrustworthy.”
Deet says that Henry Ford reiterated his distaste for the UAW and was dismayed to learn that sending thugs to beat up striking workers was now frowned upon. He did, however, approve of the company’s latest line of products.
“When I heard Mr. Ford had risen from the dead just to come see us, I was concerned that he would disapprove of us having so many European-engineered cars in our US lineup,” said Ford’s chief engineer, Chee Fengineer. “But he looked me right in the eye, he did, and said, ‘Chee, a lot of good ideas came out of Europe, especially back in the late 30s and early 40s,’ and then he gave me a big ol’ wink.”
Another Ford insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the deceased Mr. Ford expressed little surprise at Lincoln’s poor performance in the luxury marketplace, saying, “I never should have left that good-for-nothing son of mine talk me into buying Henry Lleland out of bankruptcy. That ol’ bastard Hank is still giving me guff about that.”
Deet would neither confirm nor deny this story.
After touring the Dearborn facility, Mr. Ford enjoyed a light lunch with the administrative staff, during which he autographed copies of his book, The International Jew. He then took a brief tour of the latest additions to the Henry Ford Museum before returning to his grave at the Ford Cemetery in Detroit.
“It was a very pleasant visit, and we were delighted and honored to have Mr. Ford visit us from beyond the veil of shadow,” said Deet. “We’ve always said that Henry Ford would approve of how we are running the Ford Motor Company, and now we can definitively say that he does.”
Ford this week released photos of, and technical details for, the all-new 2015 Mustang, which it calls “the most advanced Mustang ever.”
“The all-new 2015 Ford Mustang is brimming with advanced technologies that will improve the driving experience,” said Ford spokesadvancer Deborah Hotbaddabing. “Chief among them is a new ‘Independent Rear Suspension,’ which attaches each of the rear wheels to the car with no interconnection and provides levels of comfort and control heretofore unknown in a Mustang.”
Hotbaddabing said the Mustang will also feature advanced stopping technology known as “four wheel disc brakes,” which shorten stopping distances in the rain and reduce fade after repeated hard stops, while the powertrains all feature a device known as an “Engine Control Computer,” which measures dozens of parameters each second and uses that data to fine-tune the timing of the fuel and spark.
Additionally, the all-new Mustang will offer advanced safety technology including inflatable restraints known as “airbags,” mechanical restraints referred to as “three-point safety belts,” and a new windshield made of a high-tech impact-resistant material called “laminated safety glass.”
“Mustang’s advanced technology also improves comfort and convenience,” Hotbaddabing told Autoblopnik. “For example, the new Mustang uses electricity generated by the engine to reduce steering effort, as well as a vacuum system that allows the brakes to be applied with less pedal effort. And for those who don’t wish to grapple with the gearshift, Mustang will offer an advanced self-shifting clutchless gearbox known as an ‘automatic transmission’.”
Autoblopnik asked Hotbaddabing to speculate what company founder Henry Ford might react to the new Mustang were he still alive.
“I’m sure Mr. Ford would have had reservations about getting away from the proven suspension technology used on the Model T,” she said. “But he’d be very pleased to know the company still hasn’t been taken over by Jew bankers.”
© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to AG