Ford this week released photos of, and technical details for, the all-new 2015 Mustang, which it calls “the most advanced Mustang ever.”
“The all-new 2015 Ford Mustang is brimming with advanced technologies that will improve the driving experience,” said Ford spokesadvancer Deborah Hotbaddabing. “Chief among them is a new ‘Independent Rear Suspension,’ which attaches each of the rear wheels to the car with no interconnection and provides levels of comfort and control heretofore unknown in a Mustang.”
Hotbaddabing said the Mustang will also feature advanced stopping technology known as “four wheel disc brakes,” which shorten stopping distances in the rain and reduce fade after repeated hard stops, while the powertrains all feature a device known as an “Engine Control Computer,” which measures dozens of parameters each second and uses that data to fine-tune the timing of the fuel and spark.
Additionally, the all-new Mustang will offer advanced safety technology including inflatable restraints known as “airbags,” mechanical restraints referred to as “three-point safety belts,” and a new windshield made of a high-tech impact-resistant material called “laminated safety glass.”
“Mustang’s advanced technology also improves comfort and convenience,” Hotbaddabing told Autoblopnik. “For example, the new Mustang uses electricity generated by the engine to reduce steering effort, as well as a vacuum system that allows the brakes to be applied with less pedal effort. And for those who don’t wish to grapple with the gearshift, Mustang will offer an advanced self-shifting clutchless gearbox known as an ‘automatic transmission’.”
Autoblopnik asked Hotbaddabing to speculate what company founder Henry Ford might react to the new Mustang were he still alive.
“I’m sure Mr. Ford would have had reservations about getting away from the proven suspension technology used on the Model T,” she said. “But he’d be very pleased to know the company still hasn’t been taken over by Jew bankers.”
© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to AG
Ford Motor Company today announced EPA fuel economy estimates of 35 MPG city and 45 MPG highway for the 2014 Fiesta with the 1.0 liter EcoBoost turbo engine, adding that these figures will be “totally unreachable” for the average consumer.
“When and if it goes on sale, the EcoBoots-powered Ford Fiesta will be the most fuel-efficient non-hybrid non-diesel non-electric non-midsize non-premium non-car in America,” said Ford non-spokesman Say Deepthings. “We also hasten to add that we do not expect our buyers to actually achieve 45 MPG in the new 45 MPG Festiva.”
“The 45 MPG figure will be totally unreachable for the vast majority of our customers,” echoed Ford’s chief EcoBlouse engineer, Ima N. Jineer, “and by ‘vast majority’ I mean every last one of them. But at least they can truthfully tell their friends that they are driving the 45 MPG EcoBooze-powered Ford Fitesta.”
Deepthings pointed out that the three-cylinder turbocharged Fiesta has advantages that go well beyond fuel economy.
“The EcoSnooze Fistata has more torque per liter than a Corvette ZR-1,” he told our correspondent. “It also has more seat belts per fender than an Audi R8 and more transmission speeds per cylinder than a Jaguar F-Type. If you fill it with hats, it has more hats per cubic acre than a Bentley Mulsanne without any hats in it.”
Asked if Ford was manipulating their powertrain calibrations to deliver higher EPA figures than drivers could expect in real-world driving, Deepthings said, “Absolutely not. The EPA tests are a 100% accurate representation of the fuel economy buyers could expect to achieve from their own EcoBoobs-powered Fiestarossas if they were to recreate the EPA tests on their own using Ford’s specially-calibrated equipment. How else could we legally promote the 45 MPG Ford Fiesto as the 45 MPG Ford Festivo?”
© Autoblopnik — Hat tip to Scott Villeneuve
More of what’s new for 2014… or at least what ought to be new for 2014.
FXX: New terms of sale: Owners pay $3.4 million to buy the car and are allowed to look at it once every three months, but only at Ferrari’s secret garage in Modena*. If they can find it.
* Modena, New Jersey.
LA FERRARI: Unchanged, to be supplemented with a significantly larger sedan called Alliance and a hatchback version called Encore.
FIESTA: Redesigned with an Aston-Martin grille (amazing how many of these they still have, even all these years after the sale) and a one-liter turbocharged three-cylinder engine that no one in the media is ever going to get to drive in production form. Also available in a high-performance version called the St. Fiesta.
FOCUS: Unchanged. Next year, Europe will get an all-new Focus while America will get the same basic car for the next five years, restyled to look extra stupid.
FUSION: The 1.6 liter EcoBoobs engine has been recalibrated so as not catch fire until after the warranty runs out.
F-150: Now available in a new How Do You Like Them Apples Edition, commemorating the fact that even though RAM and Chevy pickups have been completely redesigned for 2014, the five-year-old F-150 still outsells them.
TAURUS SHO: The cupholders have been enlarged to hold a 44 oz Huge Fucking Gulp soda, and the steering wheel gets flat spots for the driver to rest his Triple Bypass Bacon Cheeseburger. An “I Don’t Trust The Liberal Media” bumper sticker is now standard.
ACCORD: The Blind Spot camera will be augmented with a Driver Portrait camera, so owners can see for themselves that smug expression that makes Accord drivers so fucking annoying.
CIVIC: Redesigned once more, this time with crease-free sheetmetal, taillights shaped like Paula Abdul’s ankles, and an interior upholstered in velcro and yak fur. Note that this version has already been deemed a failure and yet another redesign is scheduled for 2015. And 2016. And 2017.
ODYSSEY: The sheet metal stamping presses have finally been repaired so they can get rid of those silly zig-zag lines in the body sides.
RIDGELINE: Unchanged, and will remain so until Honda sells out of the last batch they built in 2009. We expect this to happen shortly before the next ice age.
Ford has introduced the F-150 Tremor, the first in a series of vehicles to be named after moderate-but-not-deadly natural disasters.
“It’s a tradition that started with the F-150 Lightning,” said Ford spokestruck Mark Levinowicz. “Originally we were going to fit the new truck with the 6.2 liter engine from the Raptor and call it the F-150 Earthquake, but we figured that wouldn’t go over well in California, which we wish was a big market for us. So we decided to dial it back a bit with the EcoBoost V6 and call it the Tremor.”
“Softly softly, catchy Chevy,” he added, but was unable to explain what the hell that even means.
Speaking anonymously, Levinowicz told us that that next vehicle in the series will be the Taurus Heavy Snowstorm, essentially an SHO with front wheel-drive, followed by the Fusion Small Brush Fire, which will have the two-liter EcoBoost engine with one of the ignition wires missing. Levinowicz told us there would be no special disaster edition of the Focus or the Fiesta, but both would be available with a Hailstorm But Luckily Nothing Big Enough To Cause Damage package, which will consist primarily of tape stripes, custom alloy wheels, and a fresh air intake system with a partially clogged air filter.
Lincoln Motor Company, Ford’s luxury division that we’re pretending isn’t a division of Ford, reportedly considered its own line of disaster-themed cars, but decided against it because their cars are enough of a disaster already.
Ford today reported that sales of Certified Pre-Owned vehicles grew 29% in 2012 versus 2011, an increase that the company credits to a thorough overhaul of the CPO program.
Recent changes include a 12 month/12,000 mile comprehensive warranty and six years/100,000 miles of powertrain coverage for Ford-branded vehicles, while Lincoln vehicles get six years/100,000 miles of comprehensive coverage. Previously, CPO cars were covered for just three months or 3,000 miles. The CPO program now includes inspection of new technologies such as MyFord Touch and blind-spot monitoring. Despite the added costs of the additional inspection, Ford told Autoblopnik that both profits and dealer traffic are up.
“A robust CPO program keeps more vehicles in the dealer network,” says John Felice, general manager for Ford and Lincoln sales. “It improves residual values, enhances dealer profitability, brings more customers to Ford and Lincoln lots, and ultimately results in lower vehicle costs for consumers.”
Ford says that a strong CPO program is vital to increasing new-car sales as well, as these programs are often the first exposure to the brand for many buyers and could lead to a longer relationship.
“Fifty-five percent of these customers are new to the Ford and Lincoln brands,” explains Todd Fites, national CPO sales manager, for Ford, “and research shows that a new CPO customer is twice as likely to come back and buy a new Ford product in the future.”
Special correspondent Mark Wreckedem contributed to this story.
As the hit HBO series Boardwalk Empire prepares to film its fourth season, Ford has announced that it is cancelling its product placement agreement with the Emmy award winning show.
“We had contracted with the producers of the show to have Ford vehicles prominently placed in every episode,” explained Ford spokesplacer Sid Deet. “The presence of Ford products resulted in a great deal of additional showroom traffic immediately after the show aired. Unfortunately, most of those customers were interested in driving the vehicles they saw on the show, and were disappointed to learn that the Model T has been out of production for eighty-six years.”
“The exposure from the show has produced a lot of foot traffic,” said Heywood Jablome, owner of Impossible Ford in Corona, California. “But when they find out we no longer have the cars they saw on the show, they get really pissed. I’ve instructed my sales guys to push them towards the Fiesta, but once we tell them the price is $260 per month, instead of $260 all-in like the Model T, they walk. Usually to a Hyundai dealership.”
According to Deet, the original product placement deal was meant to promote both the company and its founder, including a mention in the show’s premiere of Henry Ford’s first book, The International Jew: The World’s Most Foremost Problem.
“That one met with more backlash than we expected, so we had to drop it,” said Deet. “It’s a shame, because we had a real corker of a plot centered around the third volume, Jewish Influence in American Life. It’s a brilliant book, but just like soy car parts, high wages, and the Ford Service Department, the country still isn’t ready for some of Mr. Ford’s more radical ideas.”
“J is the tenth letter of the alphabet,” said Scott “Full” Monty, Ford’s Head Chief Guy of the Internet, who by contract must be quoted in all online stories about Ford.
Deet says that while Ford is disappointed that the Boardwalk Empire tie-in did not work out, they are looking at other product placement opportunities, including PBS’ Downton Abbey and BBC’s Doctor Who.
Photo © HBO – everything else © Autopnik
by Otto Blopnik
Ever since the Ford Fiesta was foisted on the US market in 2010, something about the car hasn’t set right with us, and we’ve never quite been able to put our finger on it until now: The engine.
We like the Fiesta because it brings so much originality to the market, what with its European-inspired driving manners and upscale interior. But what’s up with that engine? 1.6 liters? Four cylinders? Seriously, Ford, how derivative can you get?
For 2014, Ford has found a way to set the Fiesta apart from the mainstream: The new 1-liter 3-cylinder EcoBoost engine. This is a motor that truly stands out: Three cylinders instead of four, and one liter instead of one-point-six. Finally, some originality!
Of course, making such an original engine work on American roads has required some serious engineering ingenuity. The EcoBoost engine is fitted with direct fuel injection, variable valve timing, and a quick-spooling turbocharger to make up for its small displacement.
And boy, does it work! The 1.0 EcoBoost is rated at 123 horsepower — nearly identical to the 1.6 (which is still offered as standard for ordinary uninteresting people). Torque is slightly higher, and while Ford hasn’t announced EPA fuel economy estimates, they say the 1.0 EcoBoost will deliver “40+ MPG”, which we take to mean 41, which is nearly identical to the 40 MPG highway rating from a 1.6 liter Fiesta SFE.
In other words, Ford has been able to excise one entire cylinder and thirty-six cubic inches — and come up with a motor that does the exact same job as the base-model engine. Now that’s impressive! We knew you had it in you, Ford.
The 1.0 liter EcoBoost engine will be available as an extra-cost option on the 2014 Fiesta, and as an added bonus, it will only be available with a manual transmission, so the 90% of American drivers too lazy to drive properly won’t be buying it. Good, we say. The 2014 Fiesta also sports Ford’s new Aston-ripoff grille and the available MyTouch Ford system, a real boon for those of us who can’t stand the drudgery of being able to change the radio station without having to stare at a screen and wonder what the fuck menu we’re supposed to be using.
Look for the 2014 Fiesta at your Ford dealership in the coming months, before it comes looking for you.
Lincoln, the former luxury division of Ford, has renamed itself the Lincoln Motor Company, a move it says will instantly transform the brand into a relevant player in the luxury field.
“Lincoln was known as the Lincoln Motor Company until 1922, when it was taken over by Ford,” said Frank Footer, the new PR chief for the new Lincoln Motor Company. “We think it’s time to get back to our roots. We don’t want people to think of Lincoln vehicles as gussied-up Fords. In fact, we don’t want them to think of Lincoln as part of Ford at all. Frankly, we don’t know who these Ford people are, and we wish to hell they’d stop coming into our offices.”
Lincoln celebrated its rebirth by revealing the all-new 2013 Lincoln MKZ, which is based on the Ford Fusion except we’re going to pretend it isn’t, at New York’s Lincoln Center, where they also previewed a series of ads featuring formerly-living president Abraham Lincoln. The luxury
division company also announced plans to move their corporate headquarters from Dearborn, Michigan to Lincoln, Nebraska. All Lincoln dealerships will be rebuilt with Lincoln Logs, and employees have been asked to delete their Facebook accounts and use LinkedIn instead. Buyers will get a 10% discount off MSRP if they pay for their car entirely in $5 bills.
The Lincoln Motor Company was founded in 1917 by Henry Leland, who also started Cadillac. Named for the beloved president who was tragically shot in the head, the company lasted just five years before going bankrupt, when its assets were purchased by Ford. Edsel Ford, son of founder Henry, had grand visions for the brand, but was ultimately quashed under the thumb of his overbearing father. Lincoln was never able to achieve the success of Cadillac, and even struggled to compete with Chrysler’s marginally-relevant luxury division, Imperial.
“We’re going to pretend a lot of that didn’t happen,” said Footer.
Autoblopnik polled consumers at the Los Angeles Auto Show about Linclon’s self-reinvention.
“Lincoln Motor Company? Never heard of them,” said Sid Viscous of LaBrea, California. “Say, are they any relation to the people who make the Lincoln MKT? I sure hope not, because that thing is fucking hideous.”
“I just got rid of my Lincoln MKS,” said Alfred Finkentitz, assistant professor of grouting and spackling at Pasadena Community College. “Damn thing was in the shop two, sometimes three times a month. I swore I’d never buy another Ford product as long as I live. But now that Lincoln has changed their name to the Lincoln Motor Company, I will definitely consider one of their vehicles.”
As the industry prepares for the first major auto show of the 2013 season, automakers have gleefully announced their plans for the show’s press preview days.
“Mazda is going to have the loudest pre-press-conference music in the history of the Los Angeles Auto Show,” said spokesbraga Jeremy “Bev” Irons. “We’ve got an all-new 600,000-watt sound system with 155 speakers, one for every victim of the 1933 Long Beach Earthquake. Believe you me, when the our press conference begins, every Angeleno from Simi Valley to Seal Beach is going to know it.”
Toyota issued a pre-show press release saying it plans to debut a new billion-watt lighting system that, according to spokesbulb Moe Tehterball, “will make the California sun look like a guttering candle.”
Tim Gogetter, spokesman for Infiniti, said Nissan’s luxury division was planning a unique entertainment spectacle. “Remember those dancers we had for the G37 Convertible reveal that everyone said were really annoying? Well, they’re back — only this time, we’re going to set them on fire.”
Ford remained tight lipped about their LA show plans, but Autoblopnik was able to get the story from a junior PR staffer, who spoke on the condition that we not tell his boss he tried to sell us a bag of oregano before realizing we were journalists.
“So, like, we’re going to have this animatronic Mark Fields, and it’s going to look exactly like him, except it’ll have, like, two or three hairs out of place. And the animatronic Mark Fields is going to start doing the press conference in Mark’s voice, and just when people in the audience are all like, ‘Whoa, dude, like what’s up with Mark Fields’ hair?’, the real Mark Fields is going to come out on stage and be all like ‘I don’t think so!’ and then he’s going to shoot the animatronic Mark Fields with a bazooka, and it’s going to explode and flash drives with the Ford press kit are going to rain down, like, everywhere. I don’t get it, but my boss says that anything having to do with Mark Fields’ hair will get like a thousand stories on Jalopnik and The Truth About Cars, so, like, whatever, dude.”
When asked what new vehicles and concepts would be appearing at the show, none of the company representatives with whom we spoke had any comment.