After months of saying only that the upcoming 2016 Shelby GT350’s 5.2 liter flat-plane-crank engine would produce “over 500 horsepower,” Ford today announced the supercar’s official power output.
“Officially, the 2016 Ford Shelby GT350 will produce over 500 horsepower,” said Ford’s Vice Officer of Ridiculously Powerful Cars, Sheldon Branson “Shel B.” Geeteetreefiddy.
“Because really there’s no point,” Geeteetreefiddy said when asked the obvious question. “A few geekholes are going to actually dyno-test the thing, and they’re all going to come up with slightly different numbers anyway because the outside temperature is to low and the humidity is too high and a squirrel farted on the rollers and they don’t know how to run a dyno and it’s the third Thursday of the fourth month with an R in the name. As for the rest of the buyers, most wouldn’t be able to tell a 400 horsepower car from a 500 horsepower car or a 600 horsepower car or even a seven trillion horsepower car. All they know is that it’s really, really friggin’ fast. So why bother with a number?”
Geeteetreefiddy said that by not certifying a horsepower figure, Ford was able to cut nearly $600 from the Shelby GT350’s development cost.
“That alone will pay for the upcoming Explorer redesign,” he added.
Asked if perhaps Ford did not know the exact power output for the new uber-Mustang, Geeteetreefiddy responded, “What? That’s ridiculous! Of course we – how could you say such a thing? We – yes, we know it, of course we do, I can’t believe you would imply that, um, it’s just that these things are highly technical, you know. Hey, ever see a carbon-fiber hood before it’s been painted?”
Meanwhile, other Ford divisions are considering adapting a similar strategy for model lines. Starting in 2017, for example, Ford plans to say that all of its EcoBoost models are EPA-rated at “over five miles per gallon”.
Ford announced an innovative new sales program for the upcoming 2016 Ford GT. Instead of delivering the actual car, Ford will wait ten years and then give buyers a massive pile of money.
“Most of the people who buy the Ford GT are simply going to park it in a garage and wait for it to appreciate, then sell it for five times what they paid,” said Ford spokesappreciator Sid Deet. “So why go to the trouble of actually building a car? This new program will save everyone a lot of time and trouble.”
The program has several strict requirements. Buyers must put down an initial deposit comprising the price of the car and a $100,000 mark-up. They must block off a car-sized portion of their garage to remain unoccupied for the next decade, and at car shows and cruise-ins, they will be required to wear a T-shirt that says “I’M THE SORT OF MASSIVE TWAT WHO PAYS MORE MONEY THAN MOST PEOPLE MAKE IN A DECADE TO BUY AN AWESOME SUPERCAR AND THEN CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO DRIVE THE DAMN THING.”
Ford has announced a parallel program for drivers under 25. After paying the cost of the car plus $5,000 to cover a single day’s insurance premium, buyers will be allowed to drive the car once, at ludicrous speeds on public roads in front of a crowd of people with camera phones, after which a Ford engineer will crash the car into a building and total it.
“This program gives them the typical young person’s supercar buying experience, without the risk of personal injury,” Deet explained, adding that in order to be eligible, the prospective buyer must prove that the costs are being covered by their parents.
Ford Motor Company today announced that they will soon introduce the automotive industry’s first aluminum press release.
“Aluminum is lighter than steel, stronger than paper, and has more letters in its name than wood,” said Clay Magnesium, Ford’s Spokesperson for Materials You Weren’t Expecting.
“Really, this isn’t entirely new technology,” Magnesium explained. “The ink in our traditional press releases have some trace of aluminum, as do the inks used by several automakers. But we will be the first automaker to make such extensive use of aluminum throughout the entire press release.”
Asked how the aluminum press release would come into play now that most communications are sent electronically, Magnesium said, “There are still a lot of publications that prefer printed press releases, and we think they will appreciate the light weight and durability of the aluminum press release. And for those who prefer to get information via email, we will send the aluminum press release as an attachment.”
Magnesium says the first aluminum press release will be distributed at the upcoming New York Auto Show. Initially, only truck-related press releases will use aluminum, with all other vehicle lines switching to aluminum press releases by 2018. Ford, which at one time was estimated to send out nearly 40% of the world’s press releases, is believed to be the first mainstream automaker to make a company-wide switch to alternative materials in their press releases.
Asked what benefits an aluminum press release would have over traditional paper or electronic PDF files, Magnesium said, “None, really. But when has that ever stopped us?”
According to a story in Automotive Nudes, Nissan’s Senior VP of Nissans that Don’t Look Like Other Vehicles has declared decisively that the 2016 Titan does not look anything like the Ford F-150.
“I am declaring decisively that the 2016 Titan does not look anything like the Ford F-150,” Freddi Az told Automotive Nudes reporter Richard “I Hate Sid” Schweinsberg. “While we recognize that there are some close similarities between the two trucks, particularly around the grille, hood, taillights, headlights, doors, fenders, front fascia, rear fascia, cargo box, running boards, door handles, bumpers, seats, upholstery, center stack, instrument panel, transfer case, ECU programming, and about 85% of the steering gear, I can assure you that the two trucks bear no resemblance to each other whatsoever.”
Az assured Automotive Nerds that Nissan had no need to emulate Ford or any other manufacturer.
“Sure, Ford builds a great pickup truck,” Az said, “But we think Nissan has a better idea. For example, we’re introducing a completely new trim level strategy. Buyers will find Nissan offers more equipment and better value when they compare the XL, XLT, Lariat, King Ranch, and Platinum models of the new Titan to comparably-priced versions of the F-150.”
Az concluded by saying that he is confident in the future of the Titan. “This is a truck that can go further,” he said. “Furthermore, the buying public knows that Nissan build quality is superior, because at Nissan, quality is Job 1, and our trucks are built Nissan tough. With our all-new Titan, we can say to the truck world, ‘Have you driven a Nissan lately?'”
Just days after Chevrolet launched the “Technology and Stuff” campaign based on a televised gaffe by a nervous staff member, Ford has announced a new slogan of their own, “Turbos and Shit”.
“Chevy’s new trucks may have ‘Technology and Stuff,'” Ford spokesstuffer Sid Deet told a crowd of passers-by near her office in Dearborn, “But ‘Stuff’ won’t give you better performance or towing capability. If you want a truck that can really deliver, you need the all-new 2015 Ford F-150, which has Turbos and Shit.”
Unlike Chevrolet, Ford does not plan to use the new slogan as a hashtag.
“We did try sending out a tweet that said ‘New F-150 has #turbosandshit,'” explained Ford social media guru Scott “The Full” Monty, “but we got a bunch of replies asking what turbo sand shit was and why anyone would want it in their new pickup truck.”
Industry analysts said they thought Ford’s new slogan would resonate with consumers.
“Our research shows that when consumers are asked about Ford pickup trucks, they do associate them with turbos,” said Paul Eisensteinstatysteinstienstadtdtdt, chief multi-part-question-asker at The Detroit Bookie. “Unfortunately for Ford, they also associate them with shit.”
UPDATE: Chrysler has announced their own new slogan, “Polystyrene or Objects,” proving that they don’t understand anything about anything.
The Interwebs were abuzz this week with first reviews of the new 2015 Ford F-150, every single one of which reported that the new aluminum-bodied pickup truck is made of aluminum.
“The new F-150 has several important new features, including an aluminum body, aluminum cab, aluminum bed, a 360 degree parking camera, aluminum doors, aluminum hood, some sort of fancy new engine, an aluminum roof and aluminum fenders,” read a review from Car & Aluminum. “But what most impressed us is the aluminum body, an all-aluminum wonder made entirely of aluminum.”
Ford representatives confirmed that the aluminum-bodied F-150, which makes extensive use of aluminum in its construction, is indeed made out of aluminum.
“Aluminum aluminum aluminum, aluminum aluminum,” said Ford spokesaluminum Al Luminum, speaking on condition of aluminum.
Ford brought every single engineer employed by the company to the press launch, most of whom spoke about the aluminum truck’s aluminum body, which they confirmed is made out of aluminum. While most were pleased to aluminum about the aluminum truck’s aluminum construction, a few expressed frustration.
“We spent a lot of time making all this neat shit for the bed,” said engineer Ben Gineer, who asked not to be named. “Concealed LED lights, a universal cargo-locking system, integrated ramps, built-in steps, and a lot of other cool stuff. And yet all anyone wants to talk about is that the body is made of fucking aluminum.”
Some publications featured more in-depth explanations of the aluminum F-150’s aluminum construction.
“The aluminum F-150 makes extensive use of extrude-honed aluminum,” reported Johnny Liebinum in Moluminum Trend. “Extrude honing is used to extrude-hone many of the extude-honed aluminum body parts, which are then mated to other pieces of extrude-honed aluminum, which are also extrude-honed out of aluminum. We’re not sure what extrude-honed means, but sure is fun to say. Plus the Ford people told us that we wouldn’t be invited to the new Cobra launch if we reported that the F-150 is held together with rivets and glue.”
Ford spokeschief Sid Deet said he was pleased with the early publicity on the truck.
“We really wanted to drive home the revolutionary aspects of the 2015 Ford F-150’s aluminum construction, and we think we’ve accomplished that,” he said.
Unfortunately, no one reported that aside from the aluminum body, the all-new 2015 Ford F-150 is rather uninteresting.
Ford Motor Company livened up an otherwise slow news day by announcing that they would switch from BlackBerry to Apple as their corporate mobile phone provider.
“We think this is an important move for a company that embraces modern technology,” said Ford spokesphoner Sid Deet, pausing his Depeche Mode CD and demonstrating how the iPhone fits easily into the pockets of his acid-wash jeans. “We really think the iPhone reflects the forward-looking attitude here at Ford, along with other mobile devices like this Nintendo Game Boy.”
Ford’s Vice President of Information Systems Chris Chinwarrior said the Apple iPhone would fit seamlessly into the company’s existing data infrastructure.
“Now that we’ve upgraded our back end from token ring to ten megabit Ethernet, we should have plenty of bandwidth to support the phones,” Chinwarrior told Autoblopnik. “We think they will work flawlessly with our Windows NT servers.”
Deet said the iPhones were part of a much larger modernization program at Ford, which would include upgrading factory equipment from steam-driven belt drives to electricity and installing air conditioning in up to 25% of Ford’s corporate facilities.
“If all goes well, we may even consider promoting women and minorities into high-level executive positions,” Deet said. “Although we don’t want to bite off more than we can chew.”