Just days after Consumer Reports recommended the Buick Regal over several European luxury cars, and following months of unprecedented Honda-bashing, officials at the magazine confirmed that the vehicle testing branch has, as many have surmised, been overrun by little green men from Mars.
“We suspected there was a problem back when our Vehicle Testing and Evaluation Division (VTED) (Ed. note: Cut me a break, not all of the acronyms can be funny) recommended the RAM 1500 over the Toyota Tundra,” said CR spokesappliance Ken Morewasher, “but we figured maybe they were simply evolving to become less like CR staffers and more like regular people.”
The Martian invasion was discovered late last night, when a member of Consumer Reports’ accounting staff made an after-hours visit to the automotive division to discuss some budget reports. There, he found a strange green-skinned creature with webbed feet and a single unblinking red eye removing what appeared to be a CR lab costume. The creature identified itself as a Martian, then firmly requested an escort to the person in charge.
“Fortunately, the staff member in question had a Conair Model XRV-2102 Multi-Purpose Ray Gun, which we recommend over other hand-held space-age weapons for its comfortable padded grip, impact-resistant carbon-trianolite barrel, and liquid-cooled transducer array, and was able to hold the Martian at bay until police arrived,” said Morewasher. “Had Bernie been carrying the Remington TN0072A Star Dispatcher Plus, which performed poorly in our scatter-beam heat index tests and has slightly lower than average predicted reliability, this story might have had a very different ending.”
Local police confirmed that a half-dozen Martians surrendered peacefully, and that the missing CR staffers were found unharmed in a rarely-used tea kettle evaluation lab.
“All of our automotive testers are now home with their families, and we look forward to them returning to their jobs of heaping praise on soulless Toyotas,” Morewasher said. “Are we sure we got all the Martians? Not really. If a Chrysler product wins another of our comparison tests, we’ll know it’s time to start taking DNA samples.”
Autoblopnik.com brings you the latest updates for the 2014 model year.
MDX: Redesigned, now with an infotainment suite that only requires a masters degree in electronics engineering, rather than a Ph. D.
RLX: All-new model with a V8 engine and rear-wheel-drive. Whoops, sorry, that belongs in the article “What Acura should do for 2014 if they want to sell cars.”
TSX: Billed as all-new from the ground up. Actually unchanged from 2013, but since Acura didn’t sell any last year, no one will know the difference.
3-Series: Now available as a wagon with a 4-cylinder diesel engine, causing auto writers to spill more seed than topless photos of Danica Patrick.
4-Series: Replaces the 3-Series coupe. Analysts expect sales to drop slightly due to high number of current 3-Series owners who cannot count that high.
6-Series: New four-door Gran Coupe model joins the lineup in response to a $20 bet BMW made with Mercedes that they could introduce a vehicle that makes no sense with a name that completely breaks their nomenclature, and still find a few thousand suckers to buy it.
X1: New undersized, overpried CUV that BMW expects will repeat the success of the 1-Series.
LaCrosse: A large-print speedometer is now optional in all models, and the CXL gains a standard Geritol dispenser.
Regal GS: In order to reduce the effects of torque steer, buyers can opt for either all-wheel-drive or having a group of Buick employees repave all the roads in your neighborhood so they curve slightly to the left.
More 2014 updates coming soon… but probably not soon enough.
Buick, which fired spokesgolfer Tiger Woods in 2010 because of his marital infidelity, has now re-hired the champion golfer for the same reason.
“We originally chose to terminate our relationship with Mr. Woods because his extramarital activities offended the family-value-oriented sensibilities of our traditional customer base,” said Buick spokesman Frank Astronomically, speaking on the condition that we pretended not to notice his mole. “But in order to revitalize the brand, we need to get rid of those pathetic old prunes and bring in some new blood. Basically, we want cooler customers who think that that a famous athlete getting a little on the side isn’t such a bad thing.”
According to Astronomically, Woods will be featured in a series of magazine ads with taglines like “Verano Turbo: Score!”, “LaCrosse: Get inside one today!” and “Regal GS: Hot and tight!”
Astronomically confirmed that Woods’ contract includes the provision that he remarry immediately and then bang at least one new hot babe every three weeks, and that he will be subject to random genital inspections to ensure compliance. No word was given on his future spouse, but a source at Fagelien, Franacranch and Figliggie, Buick’s advertising agency of record, revealed that negotiations with Katie Holmes were ongoing.
Mr. Woods could not be reached for comment, but promised to grant us an exclusive interview in October provided we sent an attractive female correspondent with large breasts and an unfulfilled need for approval from her father.