Autoblopnik.com brings you the latest updates for the 2014 model year.
MDX: Redesigned, now with an infotainment suite that only requires a masters degree in electronics engineering, rather than a Ph. D.
RLX: All-new model with a V8 engine and rear-wheel-drive. Whoops, sorry, that belongs in the article “What Acura should do for 2014 if they want to sell cars.”
TSX: Billed as all-new from the ground up. Actually unchanged from 2013, but since Acura didn’t sell any last year, no one will know the difference.
3-Series: Now available as a wagon with a 4-cylinder diesel engine, causing auto writers to spill more seed than topless photos of Danica Patrick.
4-Series: Replaces the 3-Series coupe. Analysts expect sales to drop slightly due to high number of current 3-Series owners who cannot count that high.
6-Series: New four-door Gran Coupe model joins the lineup in response to a $20 bet BMW made with Mercedes that they could introduce a vehicle that makes no sense with a name that completely breaks their nomenclature, and still find a few thousand suckers to buy it.
X1: New undersized, overpried CUV that BMW expects will repeat the success of the 1-Series.
LaCrosse: A large-print speedometer is now optional in all models, and the CXL gains a standard Geritol dispenser.
Regal GS: In order to reduce the effects of torque steer, buyers can opt for either all-wheel-drive or having a group of Buick employees repave all the roads in your neighborhood so they curve slightly to the left.
More 2014 updates coming soon… but probably not soon enough.
Buick, which fired spokesgolfer Tiger Woods in 2010 because of his marital infidelity, has now re-hired the champion golfer for the same reason.
“We originally chose to terminate our relationship with Mr. Woods because his extramarital activities offended the family-value-oriented sensibilities of our traditional customer base,” said Buick spokesman Frank Astronomically, speaking on the condition that we pretended not to notice his mole. “But in order to revitalize the brand, we need to get rid of those pathetic old prunes and bring in some new blood. Basically, we want cooler customers who think that that a famous athlete getting a little on the side isn’t such a bad thing.”
According to Astronomically, Woods will be featured in a series of magazine ads with taglines like “Verano Turbo: Score!”, “LaCrosse: Get inside one today!” and “Regal GS: Hot and tight!”
Astronomically confirmed that Woods’ contract includes the provision that he remarry immediately and then bang at least one new hot babe every three weeks, and that he will be subject to random genital inspections to ensure compliance. No word was given on his future spouse, but a source at Fagelien, Franacranch and Figliggie, Buick’s advertising agency of record, revealed that negotiations with Katie Holmes were ongoing.
Mr. Woods could not be reached for comment, but promised to grant us an exclusive interview in October provided we sent an attractive female correspondent with large breasts and an unfulfilled need for approval from her father.