As Volkswagen announced their 2013 product plans, the German automaker issued a statement reminding American media and buyers that they still have no intention of bringing the Scirocco to the United States.
“2013 marks the sixth year in a row that the Scirocco will not be sold in the United States,” the press release stated. “In order to celebrate this milestone, we are pleased to announce that once again, we will not be selling the Scirocco in the United States.”
“There’s really no business justification for this decision,” explained Volkswagen of America spokesperson Myron Proudfart. “The GTI, Jetta GLI, and Beetle Turbo are all meeting sales targets despite their similarities. Our market research indicates that the Scirocco would be a strong seller, and the partial recovery of the US dollar means it would be profitable. However, we’re still not going to bring the Scirocco to the United States, basically because we like to be difficult.”
The official statement from Volkswagen Auto Group said that the Scirocco was being introduced to several new markets in 2013, including India, Mexico, Liberia, Kyrgyzstan, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and Kibatra Pu’aalel, a small primitive island nation in the south Pacific that has no paved roads, no licensed drivers, and no word in the local language for “automobile”.
“However, we still are not going to sell the Scirocco in the United States,” the statement concluded.
Later the same day, Volkswagen issued a follow-up statement that read, “Just as a reminder, we still have no plans to sell the Scirocco in the United States.”
Volkswagen today unveiled the Beetle Hitler Edition, a limited-run model that commemorates the 75th anniversary of the world-renowned People’s Car.
“We think it’s important to celebrate the origin of the world’s most beloved automobile,” said Volkswagen spokessprecher Joe Goebbels. “Most people associate Herr Hitler with his bloodlust for world domination and the extermination of Jews, gays, gypsies, and other undesireables. Unfortunately, what’s often forgotten is the Führer’s visionary vision of affordable automobile transportation for the masses, a goal that the the modern-day Volkswagen Auto Group continues to pursue.”
Ford is reportedly in negotiations with Volkswagen to sell a rebadged version of the Beetle Hitler Edition. “It is well known that our founder, Henry Ford, was in broad agreement with the policies of Mr. Hitler,” explains Ford’s Spokesguy for the Interwebs, Scott Monty-Python, adding, “Er… about building a car that everyone could afford, that is.”
Volkswagen says the Beetle Hitler Edition will be powered by a special version of the 2.5 liter 5-cylinder engine, retuned to burn gasoline with a ruthless efficiency. A turbocharged version, to be called the Beetle SS, is reportedly in the works. Options include turn semaphores shaped like saluting arms and a navigation system that can be programmed to go east and west at the same time. Handling will be enhanced by a unique sport-tuned suspension designed by Porsche, which will then deny all association with the car and never talk about it again, ever.
The Beetle Hitler Edition will reportedly be difficult to start and take a long time to warm up, but will then run strongly for twelve years before self-destructing.