In the wake of the Volkswagen emissions scandal, several prominent automotive publications are saying that they were well aware of the problems with Volkswagen’s diesel engines, and have been attempting to educate the public about the potential dangers for some time.
“We knew all along that there was a problem with VW’s TDIs,” said Randy Backpeddler, Contributing Editor for AlternativeFools.com. “That’s why we have been recommending people buy them: So we could get enough of them on the road to attract attention to the very obvious problem of emissions cheating. I’m proud to say that our strategy has worked.”
Dean Nyer, Editor-in-Chief of Roadgoing Asshole Magazine, says his publication’s attempts to warn readers about Volkswagen’s diesel cars have been largely misunderstood.
“We have often written that only cool people buy diesels and that hybrid buyers are boring,” he told Autoblopnik. “What we meant was that diesel buyers are cool to important environmental issues that ought not to be ignored, while hybrid buyers are boring right into the heart of the matter, which is to reduce air pollution.”
Osmond Reefqueefer of Kelly Boob Book agreed that his publication’s position on Volkswagen diesels was also taken out of context.
“Sure, we said Volkswagen’s TDI cars were great,” he said. “And what we meant was that they pose a great danger to the health and safety of the American public.”
Volkswagen spokespolluter Gil Markes said he expects the media attention will be short lived.
“We were a bit surprised as to how much coverage the story has received, especially considering how many journalists we hosted at the Frankfurt Auto Show,” Markes told Autoblopnik. “But we’re pretty sure the media attention will die down once we announce that the 2017 Passat press preview will take place in Hawaii.”
Mary Barra has issued a formal apology for the Volkswagen emissions scandal, in which the Environmental Protection Agency has formally accused Volkswagen of installing a “defeat device” to pass emissions test.
“Volkswagen has violated the trust of thousands of its customers, and for that, General Motors would like to apologize,” Ms. Barra said.
“We know the general public will have a difficult time forgiving and forgetting what Volkswagen has done,” Ms. Barra added. “And for that, General Motors can only say we are very, very sorry.”
Asked what role General Motors played in the VW emissions scandal, Ms. Barra said, “None whatsoever. But that won’t stop people from blaming us and saying how much our cars suck compared to the Germans and the Japanese. Just you watch.”
“Obviously, we feel a great deal of sympathy for Volkswagen considering our own recent troubles,” she added. “But give us some credit. A car that has had its engine involuntarily switched off doesn’t pollute.”
Volkswagen today announced that they are expected to reveal that they will be introducing the premiere of a new special-edition car designed with Ferrari.
Based on the European-market city car, the UP!, the new vehicle will share several styling cues with Ferrari’s latest track-only vehicle, the FxxK.
As you can probably guess, the new vehicle will be called the FxxK UP!.
Standard equipment on the FxxK UP! will include air conditioning, rain-sensing wipers, and a year’s supply of blatantly obvious jokes about a Ferrari with a name so ridiculous that it hurts just to think about it.
In keeping with Ferrari tradition, an extremely limited number of vehicles the will be offered to an elite group of pre-selected Ferrari and Volkswagen owners who will not be allowed to drive the car on the public roads, private tracks, or even a couple of times up and down the driveway. The FxxK UP! will be priced at one trillion dollars, with a $0 down payment and nothing but your signature at the Volkswagen Sign Then Go Away event, so hurry on down to your Volkswagen dealer because these deals won’t last long!
As Volkswagen announced their 2013 product plans, the German automaker issued a statement reminding American media and buyers that they still have no intention of bringing the Scirocco to the United States.
“2013 marks the sixth year in a row that the Scirocco will not be sold in the United States,” the press release stated. “In order to celebrate this milestone, we are pleased to announce that once again, we will not be selling the Scirocco in the United States.”
“There’s really no business justification for this decision,” explained Volkswagen of America spokesperson Myron Proudfart. “The GTI, Jetta GLI, and Beetle Turbo are all meeting sales targets despite their similarities. Our market research indicates that the Scirocco would be a strong seller, and the partial recovery of the US dollar means it would be profitable. However, we’re still not going to bring the Scirocco to the United States, basically because we like to be difficult.”
The official statement from Volkswagen Auto Group said that the Scirocco was being introduced to several new markets in 2013, including India, Mexico, Liberia, Kyrgyzstan, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, and Kibatra Pu’aalel, a small primitive island nation in the south Pacific that has no paved roads, no licensed drivers, and no word in the local language for “automobile”.
“However, we still are not going to sell the Scirocco in the United States,” the statement concluded.
Later the same day, Volkswagen issued a follow-up statement that read, “Just as a reminder, we still have no plans to sell the Scirocco in the United States.”
Volkswagen today unveiled the Beetle Hitler Edition, a limited-run model that commemorates the 75th anniversary of the world-renowned People’s Car.
“We think it’s important to celebrate the origin of the world’s most beloved automobile,” said Volkswagen spokessprecher Joe Goebbels. “Most people associate Herr Hitler with his bloodlust for world domination and the extermination of Jews, gays, gypsies, and other undesireables. Unfortunately, what’s often forgotten is the Führer’s visionary vision of affordable automobile transportation for the masses, a goal that the the modern-day Volkswagen Auto Group continues to pursue.”
Ford is reportedly in negotiations with Volkswagen to sell a rebadged version of the Beetle Hitler Edition. “It is well known that our founder, Henry Ford, was in broad agreement with the policies of Mr. Hitler,” explains Ford’s Spokesguy for the Interwebs, Scott Monty-Python, adding, “Er… about building a car that everyone could afford, that is.”
Volkswagen says the Beetle Hitler Edition will be powered by a special version of the 2.5 liter 5-cylinder engine, retuned to burn gasoline with a ruthless efficiency. A turbocharged version, to be called the Beetle SS, is reportedly in the works. Options include turn semaphores shaped like saluting arms and a navigation system that can be programmed to go east and west at the same time. Handling will be enhanced by a unique sport-tuned suspension designed by Porsche, which will then deny all association with the car and never talk about it again, ever.
The Beetle Hitler Edition will reportedly be difficult to start and take a long time to warm up, but will then run strongly for twelve years before self-destructing.