Some Twinkies, yesterday
Italian automaker Fiat has announced their plans to purchase Hostess Brands, saving the legendary American bakery from liquidation.
“Iconic Hostess products such as the Twinkie®, the Ring Ding™, and Wonder Bread® are a perfect match for our company,” Fiat’s American spokesperson Suavé Ristorante told Autoblopnik. “Hostess products are delightfully small, cheaply made, and not particularly good for you, which is very much in line with Fiat’s brand values.”
Fiat plans to restart manufacturing of Hostess products immediately, addressing critical long-standing quality issues such as the uneven chocolate coating on the ends of Yodels™. Fiat engineers also plan to reduce the number of Twinkie® cream-filling holes from three to two in order to conform with European snack cake regulations.
Ristorante was careful to note that the U.S. market is critical to Fiat’s success with Hostess. “Despite a rapid rise in China’s share of the junk food market, Americans currently consume 78% of the world’s fatty snacks,” Ristorante says, adding that Hostess will continue to focus on American consumers, though future versions of the Hostess products may be partially based on European desserts in order to maximize commonality and economies of scale.
Junk food enthusiasts expressed doubt as to whether Fiat would really leave Hostess unchanged.
“Sure, maybe they’ll crank out a few Sno Balls® and Ring® Dings™ as we know them,” said Fatty “Fats”™ Fatass, Editor-at-large-and-we-do-mean-large of Practical Snacking® magazine, “but how long do you think that will last? The Italians® have tried to sell desserts in this country in the past, and they simply weren’t up to American standards. Have you ever tasted cavallucci? That shit is nasty.”
Ristorante denied that Fiat would radically alter Hostess’ iconic products.
“We will make changes where they make sense, such as the source of the flour and the type of rendered animal fat used to make the cream filling,” he explained, “but the look, feel, and taste of the products will stay the same. A Twinkie® will always be a Twinkie®. It will never be a rebadged tiramisu.”
EDITORS’ NOTE: This story has absolutely nothing to do with this story on Hooniverse.