LR2: A redesigned instrument cluster advances the LR2′s interior styling to the 1990s.
LR4: Instead of driving it, buyers can now opt to have a million tons of carbon dioxide pumped into the atmosphere and a tanker’s worth of oil set on fire.
RANGE ROVER: Unchanged from last year. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.
RANGE ROVER SPORT: All new, but fuck you anyway.
ALTIMA: The CVT now runs the engine at a constant 2,500 RPM in an effort to annoy automotive journalists even further.
GT-R: Minor changes to the intake system increase torque by 0.06 lb-ft in the 2,001 – 2,020 RPM range, frustrating existing owners because they no longer have the best GT-R.
MURANO CROSS CABRIOLET: Unchanged. Nissan expects 2014 sales to increase by 150% to four units.
PATHFINDER: An all-new unit-body Pathfinder replaces the body-on-frame version. Renamed PATHFOLLOWER to more accurately reflect its capabilities.
VERSA: New social media integration: As soon as you buy a Versa, your Facebook status is changed to “unemployed”.
CAMRY: In an effort to retain the title of the number-one selling car in the US, the Camry now comes with a $50,000 cash rebate. As part of the new “Buy One Or Else!” campaign, shoppers who test drive a Camry and buy a competing car will have their familes murdered by Toyota employees.
COROLLA: An all-new version debuts with improved driving dynamics and modern styling. Expect the new Corolla to remain completely unchanged through the 2039 model year.
RAV4: In order to address the poor performance in the small-overlap barrier test, the RAV4 will no longer be sold in areas of the country that have small-overlap barriers.
TUNDRA: Facelifted, or whatever the term is for when a plastic surgeon operates on your face and you come out looking even worse. The new top-of-the-line model is called the 1794 Edition, commemorating the exact number of Ford and Chevy pickup buyers who would even consider buying a Toyota.
Range Rover today revealed the all-new 2014 Range Rover which, according to the press release, “represents a revolutionary new styling direction for this iconic British brand.”
Autoblopnik had difficulty spotting the changes, but a Range Rover intern pointed out that the grille has been canted back by a revolutionary one and a half degrees, while the windshield windscreen is now a revolutionary two millimeters shorter. The side window frames are now a revolutionary shade of glossy black, replacing last year’s non-revolutionary shade of glossy black, and there are now three of those silly-looking revolutionary gill things behind the front fender instead of just one. New tail lights are shaped like revolutionary squares instead of circles, and the wheels have been revolutionarily ripped off from a MINI Cooper.
“More important than the revolutionary new styling is the revolutionary use of al-u-minium and the corresponding revolutionary reduction in weight,” said Range Rover spokesrevolutionist Sir Colin Beadly-Fenton Colin Smythe Colin XIV, Seventh Earl of Binton-on-Doorstep Colin. The new Range Rover reportedly tips the scales at just under seven and a half tons.
British motoring magazine Autocock praised the new Range Rover’s revolutionary new styling, calling it “A revolution that is nothing short of revolutionary.” Esteemed automotive journalist Clifton Faghands, who was flown first class on an all-expenses-paid trip to London to look at a picture of the new Range Rover, had similar words of praise.
“The lobster at the welcome dinner was cooked to perfection, plus I got triple elite-qualifying miles for the flight,” said Faghands, “so I can honestly say that the styling of the new Range Rover is indeed revolutionary. Of course, we weren’t shown the actual car, so when they fly me to Monaco to see it in person, I’m sure I’ll be even more impressed… but really, that depends on whether or not my hotel room has an ocean view. If they stick me on the second floor next to the service elevator like they did on the Evoque trip, I’ll be highly critical of the interior.”
Range Rover plans to reveal the new Range Rover to the public at the Paris Auto Show.
“Paris is the site of the French Revolution,” said Beadly-Fenton Colin Smyth Colin, “And we think that makes it the perfect place to reveal this revolutionary new Range Rover to a revolutionary public ready for something revolutionary.”
Autoblopnik has uncovered an internal company memo in which Jaguar-Land Rover has directed its dealers to stop selling Land Rover and Range Rover SUVs to washed-up celebrities.
Company spokesman Sir Colin Vishnu, speaking on the condition that we tell his personal assistant he really did kill a lion with his bare hands, confirmed the memo’s authenticity.
“Back when we were a relatively unknown brand selling quirky English 4x4s that broke down a lot, having the paparazzi shoot some has-been in a Range Rover really did help build the brand’s public awareness,” Sir Colin explained. “However, now that we’re established, it’s dragging us down. I enjoy a photo of a braless Britney Spears with no makeup getting into her LR4 after buying cigarettes and Ho-Hos at the AM-PM as much as the next guy, but let’s face it, those photos just aren’t selling vehicles to a credit-worthy audience.”
The memo said that sales to working celebrities were still welcome, and was careful to define washed-up celebrities as those who have not had a major project in the last two years, have ever starred in a straight-to-video movie, have been a contestant in a celebrity-themed reality show such as Celebrity Apprentice or Celebrity Fit Club, or who have generated more than 50% of their headlines in the last twelve months based on multiple trips to a drug or alcohol rehabilitation facility.
Sir Colin made it clear that customers suspected of being washed-up celebrities would not be asked to leave the dealership.
“Our sales representatives have been instructed to escort them to the Jaguar showroom,” he explained. “We would very much like them to test drive an XF or an XJ.”