General Motors and Toyota today unveiled a new jointly-developed safety car concept, which they call the Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept.
“The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, or GMTDJSCC for short, is a radical new approach to vehicle safety that will end all these ridiculous lawsuits once and for all,” said GM-Toyota Joint Head of Joint Safety Engineering, Sy Ftee.
At a press conference in Naperville, Illinois, Ftee explained the highlights of the concept vehicle.
“The SCCGDJTM has no ignition switch that can accidentally turn off and no floor mats to catch the accelerator pedal,” he told the assembled journalists. “It has no airbags that will fail to deploy, no seats to slide off, no dash to get caught under, no glass to shatter and put your eye out, no brakes to fail, no tires to blow out, no engine to catch fire, and no steering column to crush your rib cage. It weighs sixteen tons, so you can’t even pick it up and accidentally drop it on your toe. Basically, there is no way anyone could ever sue us based on anything that happened to them in, on or around the JSDCTMCG.”
The press conference was ended prematurely after someone cut their finger on one of the TMGCCSJD’s exposed metal edges.
LR2: A redesigned instrument cluster advances the LR2’s interior styling to the 1990s.
LR4: Instead of driving it, buyers can now opt to have a million tons of carbon dioxide pumped into the atmosphere and a tanker’s worth of oil set on fire.
RANGE ROVER: Unchanged from last year. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.
RANGE ROVER SPORT: All new, but fuck you anyway.
ALTIMA: The CVT now runs the engine at a constant 2,500 RPM in an effort to annoy automotive journalists even further.
GT-R: Minor changes to the intake system increase torque by 0.06 lb-ft in the 2,001 – 2,020 RPM range, frustrating existing owners because they no longer have the best GT-R.
MURANO CROSS CABRIOLET: Unchanged. Nissan expects 2014 sales to increase by 150% to four units.
PATHFINDER: An all-new unit-body Pathfinder replaces the body-on-frame version. Renamed PATHFOLLOWER to more accurately reflect its capabilities.
VERSA: New social media integration: As soon as you buy a Versa, your Facebook status is changed to “unemployed”.
CAMRY: In an effort to retain the title of the number-one selling car in the US, the Camry now comes with a $50,000 cash rebate. As part of the new “Buy One Or Else!” campaign, shoppers who test drive a Camry and buy a competing car will have their familes murdered by Toyota employees.
COROLLA: An all-new version debuts with improved driving dynamics and modern styling. Expect the new Corolla to remain completely unchanged through the 2039 model year.
RAV4: In order to address the poor performance in the small-overlap barrier test, the RAV4 will no longer be sold in areas of the country that have small-overlap barriers.
TUNDRA: Facelifted, or whatever the term is for when a plastic surgeon operates on your face and you come out looking even worse. The new top-of-the-line model is called the 1794 Edition, commemorating the exact number of Ford and Chevy pickup buyers who would even consider buying a Toyota.
Toyota thrilled and delighted the automotive media with a theatrical extravaganza from Argentinian group Fuerza Bruta and side-splitting laughs from comedian Adam “No, the Adam who didn’t get on Top Gear” Carolla, all while getting them bombed off their asses on libations prepared by celebrity chef Richard Blais.
“It was an amazing event,” said Autoblopnik correspondent Clifton Faghands. “They had a chick swimming in a pool suspended above our heads, which was way the hell cooler than the mermaids Hyundai hired for their Elantra reveal. And Blais’ food was amazing — the roast pork belly he made was way better than anything I’ve eaten at any German press event. I don’t know how the hell that kid managed to lose Top Chef.”
The performance included dancers running on the walls and showering the crowd with bits of ripped-up cardboard, and an acrobatic act that our correspondent described as “A chick in a box.”
“Our goal for this irrelevant extravaganza was to set a new standard for irrelevant extravaganzas,” said Toyota spokesman Moe “Lest” Tomy, “and by and large, I think we achieved that. By spending millions of dollars to thrill and delight the supposedly objective media, we can… we can… um… damn, I forgot. The point I’m trying to make is that we spent millions of dollars and we had Argentinian babes hanging from the ceiling! When was the last time you saw shit like this at a BMW event?”
“The circus act was really something,” Faghands reported, “but the highlight of the evening was a joke Carolla made about having the same name as a Toyota. The crowd roared. We never saw that coming.”
At the end of the performance, Toyota revealed a car.
“I think it was red,” said Faghands, “but after seven of those nitrogen-cooled margaritas, I’m not really sure.”
Toyota announced today that it has canceled plans to introduce a redesigned Corolla for the 2014 model year, and will instead continue to sell the current model indefinitely.
“We sold 290,000 Corollas in 2012, a 50,000 unit increase over model year 2011,” explained Toyota spokesmodel Moe Lester. “Clearly, the Corolla is still in demand. While we know this decision will disappoint a lot of people, especially Toyota employees and dealers, we have to go where the market takes us.”
Toyota has been showing a thinly disguised prototype of the next-generation Corolla, called the Corolla Furia concept, on this year’s auto show circuit. Automotive journalists, who have described the current Corolla as “dated,” “behind the times,” and “pathetic,” have lauded the Furia concept, calling it “not dated,” “not behind the times,” and “not pathetic.”
“No question, the Corolla Furia would have been a huge improvement over the current Corolla,” Lester told Autoblopnik. “Are we disappointed in our own decision? A bit, yes. Building a compact sedan with the personality of a house plant gets very old very quickly, especially when the rest of the industry has moved on and we’re still stuck in the year 2003. But there is still a large segment of sad, boring people who want a sad, boring car, and at the end of the day, we’re in business to make money.”
According to Lester, Toyota had established marketing deals for the redesigned Corolla with companies like Urban Outfitters, Whole Foods, and Apple Computer.
“Unfortunately, we had to scrap those,” he explains. “But we do have some exciting co-branding opportunities with Jo-Ann Fabric Stores, Bayer Aspirin, and the Kansas Department of Tourism.”
Lester says that Toyota will continue to build the current-generation Corolla “until demand dries up or until every last Toyota employee commits suicide in order to escape the mind-numbing dreariness of our cars, whichever comes last.”
In a stunning move that stunned a lot of people, Toyota president and CEO Akio Toyoda has resigned from the automotive giant that almost bears his family name.
Toyoda’s resignation comes in the immediate wake of Henrik Fisker’s resignation from the car company that does actually bear his name, a move that Toyoda says inspired his own.
“I didn’t realize that quitting was an option,” said Toyoda, speaking through an interpreter. “Then I heard that Henrik left Fisker, and I thought, fuck this, I’m out of here.”
Akio Toyoda is the great-granson of Sakichi Toyoda, who founded the Toyoda Automatic Loom Works in 1926. The company started producing automobiles in 1937, and had its name changed to Toyota when it came through Ellis Island shortly thereafter. Akio joined the family business in 1984, and took over as CEO after a series of non-family CEOs led to a string of boring cars, ill-tempered floor mats, and buyers who couldn’t tell the brake and accelerator pedals apart.
“When I was offered the presidency, I figured it was just something I had to do,” said Toyoda. “People hear your name and they say ‘Oh, like Toyota the car? Do you work for them? You ought to work for them.’ You try to explain to people that no, what you really want to be is a painter, but they just won’t listen. Finally I took a job with the company, so I could just say ‘Yes I do’ and be rid of these assholes, but then they started asking me which one is spelled wrong. God, do I hate people.”
Toyoda is generally regarded as a successful leader for his handling of the 2009-2010 recalls, which threatened to destroy the good will Toyota had built up with American customers over several decades. However, Toyoda now says his tenure was one of strife and internal struggle.
“Toyota builds some of the most reliable and unobtrusive cars in the world,” he said. “You think I wanted that to be my legacy? Hell no, I didn’t. I advocated for switching exclusively to V8 engines with no catalytic converters and glass-pack mufflers. CAFE standards? I’ll tell you what you can do with your CAFE standards, President Obammunist. Needless to say, I got a lot of pushback. This is what happens when you try to innovate.”
“It’s not like working for Toyota gets you girls or anything,” continued Toyoda after Autoblopnik had turned off its tape recorder, packed up its stuff, mumbled some thank-you-and-goodbye-noises and made it clear that it had to go, or at least we thought we did, but apparently not. “Enzo Ferrari used to get laid all the time. All he had to say was ‘Yes, as a matter of fact, I am that Ferrari.’ Ferdinand Porsche was up to his man-boobs in poon, although I think the fact that he knew Hitler helped him out. But when you tell girls you’re part of the Toyoda family, you can almost hear their thighs slam shut. All they want know is whether you can get their aunt a discount for oil changes on her Camry. Hey, you want to go get a beer? I’ve got a massage scheduled this evening, but other than that, my schedule is wide open.”
In the wake of its proposed $1.1 billion payout to settle unintended acceleration claims, Toyota today announced that it will eliminate gas pedals and transmissions from all US-market vehicles starting in 2013.
“Toyota has a loyal base of customers who appreciate our cars’ unrivaled economy and reliability,” said unintended Toyota spokesman Moe “Joe” Chen. “Unfortunately, a lot of them are too fucking stupid to understand that stepping on the accelerator while the car is in gear causes it to move, and that neither stepping harder on the accelerator nor hiring a lawyer and suing us will bring about a reversal of this situation. We’ve decided we can best serve our customers by addressing this at a hardware level.”
US-bound Toyotas built after January 1st, 2013, will have no accelerator pedals or linkages and no connection between the engine and the drive wheels. The cars will also have a giant red button on the steering wheel that says “OH GOD PLEASE STOP RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!” that will cut power to the engine, apply the brakes, and chop off the driver’s feet so as to override any cases of “pedal confusion”.
Additionally, Toyota has issued a massive recall for all models back to the 1959 Toyopet which involves removing the accelerator pedal, permanently securing the transmission into Park or Neutral, replacing the “PRNDL” shifter bezel with one that just says “P”, welding the front brake pads to the discs, removing the wheels and tires, and chaining the car securely to a twenty-ton cement block.
As an added safety precaution, all Toyotas, old and new, will have a large yellow sticker affixed to the windshield that says “WARNING: DRIVING, RIDING IN, LOOKING AT, OR BEING ANYWHERE NEAR A MOTOR VEHICLE MAY CAUSE INJURY, DEATH, AND/OR FINANCIALLY RUINOUS LITIGATION THAT WILL NET YOU JUST ENOUGH FOR LUNCH AT DENNY’S IF YOU’RE LUCKY, WHILE PAYING FOR YOUR ATTORNEY’S NEW BOAT.”
“We are confident that these alterations will put an end to the unintended acceleration issue once and for all,” said Chen. “Additionally, our customers will enjoy the added benefits of lower fuel and maintenance costs, and we won’t have to worry about getting sued every time someone has a brain fart and forgets what the pedals do.”
Toyota has also taken steps to guard against the financial impact of future legal action.
“There may be situations we haven’t foreseen that could lead to litigation,” said Chen. “Parking a Toyota on the edge of a sandy cliff, for example, could cause an unintended acceleration issue that leads to a lawsuit. So just to be on the safe side, our list prices will now include a $25,000 surcharge that goes directly to some random lawyer the buyer has never met.”