Toyota has announced that the Scion brand, launched in 2003 to bring younger buyers into the Toyota family, would be discontinued at the end of the 2016 model year.
“Scion has been a raging success for Toyota,” said former Scion spokesperson Sy Yonspoke-Spersen. “As we said in our press release, 70 percent of Scion buyers are new to Toyota and 50 percent are under the age of 35. The Scion brand has done exactly what we intended it to do, which is why we are getting rid of it.”
Yonspoke-Sperson said the decision to eliminate the successful Scion brand, which was originally intended to draw in buyers who thought the Toyota brand was too staid, was prompted by “customer needs”.
“Our latest market research indicates that all of the young buyers who do not want to buy Toyotas actually do want to buy Toyotas,” he explained. “So, really, everything should be just fine, and there is no need to ask any further questions.”
All of the current Scion models will be moved to the to the Toyota brand except for the tC coupe.
“The tC has done extraordinarily well for the Scion brand,” Yonspoke-Sperson told Autoblopnik, “and it also happens to be the only Scion vehicle not duplicated by a similarly-sized Toyota or Lexus product. Therefore, it will be discontinued.”
Joe Lintz, CEO of Toyota North Motor America, offered praise for the brand as he prepared to kill it and eliminate virtually all traces of its existence.
“Scion was not a failure, it was a success,” Lintz insisted, “and all successful things come to an end. NASA’s lunar explanation program? History. World War II? Done. David Bowie? Pushing up the daisies. We are extraordinarily pleased with the success of the Scion brand, and we can think of no better way to honor that success than by bringing it to a crashing halt.”
“We want to express our sincere appreciation to the 1,004 Scion dealers who have brought so much business into Toyota,” said Jimmy Carter, Toyota’s Executive Vice President of Refusing To Move To Texas. “They’ve done a great job for us, and we look forward to expressing our gratitude by helping them close up their shops, fire all of their workers, and sign up for unemployment until they find something else to do.”
In related news, Toyota is considering issuing a recall in response to reports of their spin control not working properly.
Salad Sales and Hyundai Motoring America today issued a joint statement admitting to a mix-up between the designs of their respective mid-size sedans.
“It appears that the designers of the new 2015 Sonata and Camry were in the same place at the same time, and accidentally grabbed each other’s laptop bags,” said Toyundai Joint Spokesperson Moe Trainer. “That’s why the new Sonata’s styling is inexplicably boring, and the new Camry’s styling is inexplicably interesting.”
Trainer would not go on the record as to when the mix-up might have occurred. Off the record, he told Autoblopnik, “It probably happened at last year’s Los Angeles Auto Show press days, when they were on their hands and knees photographing the interior trim screw heads on the new Optima.”
As to whether the styling mix-up will affect sales, Trainer says that Hyundai is more concerned than Toyota.
“Hyundai buyers will definitely notice that the car is far less interesting,” he said. “As for Camry buyers, hell,you could paint the car with buffalo dung and use a 16-inch dildo as a hood ornament, and as long as Consumer Reports said it was reliable, they’d still buy the damn thing.”
Trainer later denied rumors that his own Camry is painted with buffalo dung and has a 16-inch dildo as a hood ornament.
Asked if the incident affected any other aspects of the car, Trainer said “Absolutely not, though you can see why people would think that. Depowering a barely-adequate engine may sound like something Toyota would do, and coming up with oxymorons like ‘Sport Hybrid’ may sound like something Hyundai would do, but the fact is that aside from the design screw-up, all the other bone-headed decisions can be attributed to the cars’ respective manufacturers.”
General Motors and Toyota today unveiled a new jointly-developed safety car concept, which they call the Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept.
“The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, or GMTDJSCC for short, is a radical new approach to vehicle safety that will end all these ridiculous lawsuits once and for all,” said GM-Toyota Joint Head of Joint Safety Engineering, Sy Ftee.
At a press conference in Naperville, Illinois, Ftee explained the highlights of the concept vehicle.
“The SCCGDJTM has no ignition switch that can accidentally turn off and no floor mats to catch the accelerator pedal,” he told the assembled journalists. “It has no airbags that will fail to deploy, no seats to slide off, no dash to get caught under, no glass to shatter and put your eye out, no brakes to fail, no tires to blow out, no engine to catch fire, and no steering column to crush your rib cage. It weighs sixteen tons, so you can’t even pick it up and accidentally drop it on your toe. Basically, there is no way anyone could ever sue us based on anything that happened to them in, on or around the JSDCTMCG.”
The press conference was ended prematurely after someone cut their finger on one of the TMGCCSJD’s exposed metal edges.
LR2: A redesigned instrument cluster advances the LR2’s interior styling to the 1990s.
LR4: Instead of driving it, buyers can now opt to have a million tons of carbon dioxide pumped into the atmosphere and a tanker’s worth of oil set on fire.
RANGE ROVER: Unchanged from last year. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.
RANGE ROVER SPORT: All new, but fuck you anyway.
ALTIMA: The CVT now runs the engine at a constant 2,500 RPM in an effort to annoy automotive journalists even further.
GT-R: Minor changes to the intake system increase torque by 0.06 lb-ft in the 2,001 – 2,020 RPM range, frustrating existing owners because they no longer have the best GT-R.
MURANO CROSS CABRIOLET: Unchanged. Nissan expects 2014 sales to increase by 150% to four units.
PATHFINDER: An all-new unit-body Pathfinder replaces the body-on-frame version. Renamed PATHFOLLOWER to more accurately reflect its capabilities.
VERSA: New social media integration: As soon as you buy a Versa, your Facebook status is changed to “unemployed”.
CAMRY: In an effort to retain the title of the number-one selling car in the US, the Camry now comes with a $50,000 cash rebate. As part of the new “Buy One Or Else!” campaign, shoppers who test drive a Camry and buy a competing car will have their familes murdered by Toyota employees.
COROLLA: An all-new version debuts with improved driving dynamics and modern styling. Expect the new Corolla to remain completely unchanged through the 2039 model year.
RAV4: In order to address the poor performance in the small-overlap barrier test, the RAV4 will no longer be sold in areas of the country that have small-overlap barriers.
TUNDRA: Facelifted, or whatever the term is for when a plastic surgeon operates on your face and you come out looking even worse. The new top-of-the-line model is called the 1794 Edition, commemorating the exact number of Ford and Chevy pickup buyers who would even consider buying a Toyota.
Toyota thrilled and delighted the automotive media with a theatrical extravaganza from Argentinian group Fuerza Bruta and side-splitting laughs from comedian Adam “No, the Adam who didn’t get on Top Gear” Carolla, all while getting them bombed off their asses on libations prepared by celebrity chef Richard Blais.
“It was an amazing event,” said Autoblopnik correspondent Clifton Faghands. “They had a chick swimming in a pool suspended above our heads, which was way the hell cooler than the mermaids Hyundai hired for their Elantra reveal. And Blais’ food was amazing — the roast pork belly he made was way better than anything I’ve eaten at any German press event. I don’t know how the hell that kid managed to lose Top Chef.”
The performance included dancers running on the walls and showering the crowd with bits of ripped-up cardboard, and an acrobatic act that our correspondent described as “A chick in a box.”
“Our goal for this irrelevant extravaganza was to set a new standard for irrelevant extravaganzas,” said Toyota spokesman Moe “Lest” Tomy, “and by and large, I think we achieved that. By spending millions of dollars to thrill and delight the supposedly objective media, we can… we can… um… damn, I forgot. The point I’m trying to make is that we spent millions of dollars and we had Argentinian babes hanging from the ceiling! When was the last time you saw shit like this at a BMW event?”
“The circus act was really something,” Faghands reported, “but the highlight of the evening was a joke Carolla made about having the same name as a Toyota. The crowd roared. We never saw that coming.”
At the end of the performance, Toyota revealed a car.
“I think it was red,” said Faghands, “but after seven of those nitrogen-cooled margaritas, I’m not really sure.”