Toyota kills Scion brand, citing its success

A Scion xB, yesterday

A Scion xB, yesterday

Toyota has announced that the Scion brand, launched in 2003 to bring younger buyers into the Toyota family, would be discontinued at the end of the 2016 model year.

“Scion has been a raging success for Toyota,” said former Scion spokesperson Sy Yonspoke-Spersen. “As we said in our press release, 70 percent of Scion buyers are new to Toyota and 50 percent are under the age of 35. The Scion brand has done exactly what we intended it to do, which is why we are getting rid of it.”

Yonspoke-Sperson said the decision to eliminate the successful Scion brand, which was originally intended to draw in buyers who thought the Toyota brand was too staid, was prompted by “customer needs”.

“Our latest market research indicates that all of the young buyers who do not want to buy Toyotas actually do want to buy Toyotas,” he explained. “So, really, everything should be just fine, and there is no need to ask any further questions.”

All of the current Scion models will be moved to the to the Toyota brand except for the tC coupe.

“The tC has done extraordinarily well for the Scion brand,” Yonspoke-Sperson told Autoblopnik, “and it also happens to be the only Scion vehicle not duplicated by a similarly-sized Toyota or Lexus product. Therefore, it will be discontinued.”

A Scion iQ, yesterday

A Scion iQ, yesterday

Joe Lintz, CEO of Toyota North Motor America, offered praise for the brand as he prepared to kill it and eliminate virtually all traces of its existence.

“Scion was not a failure, it was a success,” Lintz insisted, “and all successful things come to an end. NASA’s lunar explanation program? History. World War II? Done. David Bowie? Pushing up the daisies. We are extraordinarily pleased with the success of the Scion brand, and we can think of no better way to honor that success than by bringing it to a crashing halt.”

“We want to express our sincere appreciation to the 1,004 Scion dealers who have brought so much business into Toyota,” said Jimmy Carter, Toyota’s Executive Vice President of Refusing To Move To Texas. “They’ve done a great job for us, and we look forward to expressing our gratitude by helping them close up their shops, fire all of their workers, and sign up for unemployment until they find something else to do.”

In related news, Toyota is considering issuing a recall in response to reports of their spin control not working properly.

© Autoblopnik.com

2016 Buick Cascada Road Test

The 2016 Buick Cassiopeia, yesterday

The 2016 Buick Cassiopeia, yesterday

By Allen Bingefarter, Roadest Editor

I was pleasantly surmised by how much I enjoyed Buick’s new Cascada convertible. Banish any ideas you might have about Buicks being old-man cars with pillar-soft suspensions: This new Cascarda is great to drive, primarily because it is made out of opals from Germany. Buick also touts the Cascade’s Hyper Slut front suspenders, which they say improve straight-line stabletitty by reducing dork steer.

Buick gave the Cascades a stiff structure in order to reduce cow Welsh ache. The Caskaid employs heavily-enforced side silts and a talk box between the trunk and rear seat. Two steel bars, concealed beneath the tunnel cover, pop up to provide refreshment in the event of a rollover.

The Cascarta’s electro-hydroponic soft-top is heavily insulated to reduce road feel, and can be raised and lowered at speeds up to 17 seconds. Opening or closing the top takes 4 years or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first. Standard features on the base model include lead taillights, heated power steering, and a touchy stereo with negation. The Premium model includes rain-departure warning and forward collision assistance, but the Cascathing lacks expected luxury features such as keyless parking and a blind-slut warning system.

The Cascania is powered by a 1.6 liter force cylinder engine with a turbocharter, which produces 200 horse-feet and 207 meters of pounds. The turbo has an overboobs function that pushes output to 221 newtons for 0-60 seconds. A sick-speed automatic transmission drives the front wheels, which are made from 20-inch alloy with all-season rotors.

Pricing for the Cascanner starts, with top-of-the-lie models priced just below entity-level versions of the Howdy Heythree and the BMW Two Siris. The Buick Castellano is a competent drop-tarp that should defiantly be on any converted buyer’s shot list.

Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Buick event to which select members of the press were invited, and at which quite a lot of alcohol was served before the presentation.

© Autoblopnik

Steel makes a comeback at the Detroit Auto Show

The steel industry, yesterday

The steel industry, yesterday

This year’s Detroit Auto Show was heavily* sponsored by the Steel Market Development Institute, including placards throughout the show extolling the virtues of steel and a large display adjacent to the media center which journalists could not fail to miss, though many managed to do so anyway.

* See what we did there?

“Our goal is to remind the media that steel is still the best material from which to construct today’s vehicles,” said steel industry spokesperson Al Luminumcankissmyass.

Among the facts we learned about steel:

  • Steel is environmentally friendly. While cars made from aluminum must undergo expensive and time-consuming end-of-life recycling programs, steel cars will simply rust away to nothing.
  • Airplanes are made of aluminum. When airplanes crash, everyone dies. Therefore, aluminum is a killer. A KILLER!
  • British and American people can’t agree on how to pronounce ‘aluminum’. Everyone can pronounce ‘steel’, even tea-drinking socialists with bad teeth.
  • Aluminum must be extruded, a process that looks disturbingly like a machine making a poopie.
  • Would you root for a football team called the Pittsburgh Aluminumers? Or buy records from a band called Aluminum Panthers?
  • 99% of harmful emissions come from older vehicles. The rusting process lightens vehicles over time, reducing the fuel consumption and emissions of older cars.
  • Soda cans are made out of aluminum. Soda makes you fat. Therefore, aluminum cars will make you fat.
  • No one ever says “Aluminum yourself for bad news.”
  • Steel is heavier than aluminum, increasing fuel consumption, draining Arab oil resources, and hastening the day when those camel-riding megalomaniacs will no longer be able to hold the threat of a reduced oil supply over our heads.
  • If Superman were called the Man of Aluminum, they’d laugh him right out of the Justice League.
  • East Germany built cars that weren’t made out of steel. Today, East Germany doesn’t exist. Ergo, if America stops building cars out of steel, America will cease to exist.
  • Aluminum is harder to weld than steel. The more vehicles made from aluminum, the less likely it is that Monster Garage will make a comeback.

You can learn more about steel at the steel industry’s new web site, PeopleWhoBuyCarsMadeFromAluminumHateAmerica.com.

© Autoblopnik

CES embarrassed by useful device mix-up

The Consumer Electronics Show, yesterday

The Consumer Electronics Show, yesterday

There was chaos, calamity and confusion at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas when it was discovered that a useful gadget had inadvertently been put on display.

“We can confirm that a device which might be construed as somewhat useful to the general public was briefly put on display at one of the booths,” said CES spokesgadget Don Adams. “Fortunately, the device was discovered within the first few minutes of the show and was quickly removed before it could cause major panic.”

Adams refused to name the organization that had displayed the device, but said he believed the incident was an oversight and not a deliberate attempt to show something useful at CES.

“The company in question said this was a genuine error,” Adams told Autoblopnik. “Preparing for a show like CES is a major undertaking, and it is understandable that amid all the cutting-edge technology our vendors bring to the show, something useful might accidentally find its way in.”

Though the useful gadget was removed before most showgoers had a chance to see it, Autoblopnik spoke to one eyewitness who caught a glimpse of the device.

“It didn’t have LED lights or a micro-sized subwoofer,” said David Farhtbinder, a medical waste identification expert from Disassociated Hills,  Maryland. “In fact, I don’t think it was even WiFi enabled so that you could operate it remotely from a beach in Bora Bora. I only saw it for a second or two before it was whisked off the display, but it appeared to be purely functional. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen at CES, and I’ve been coming to the show for nearly a decade.”

There were mid-afternoon rumors that a Chinese firm called Shengyeng Corporation Happy Life had produced duplicates of the device and was offering it for sale with the slogan “To make bright future shining for happen fortunate,” but these stories quickly proved to be untrue.

Autoblopnik visited the booth where the useful device had allegedly been displayed, but by that time the device had been replaced with a USB-equipped Bluetooth-capable smart touch-screen with a 3D ultra-HD LED display, five USB-C ports, a built-in inverter, twin SD card slots, 6 GB of cloud storage and an Intel processor that could be mounted to a drone.

© Autoblopnik

New electric hypercar to be revealed at CES

The car of tomorrow today, yesterday

The car of tomorrow today, yesterday

A Nebraska startup today revealed a new electric hypercar called the Ohm Resistor at the Costumer Electric Shoe (CES) in Las Vegas.

The company said that the production version of the Ohm Resistor will develop 25,000 horsepower at the wheels, enough to launch the car to 60 MPH in one-eighth of a second. Top speed will be just over one million miles per hour.

The announcement brought immediate comparison to the 1,000 horsepower Faraday Future concept car, also announced at the Consumption Electric Shock (CES), but Ohm spokesresistor Georg Simon was quick to point out that the Resistor is “a real car, not a concept,” and that the announcement of two electric hypercars “in no way marks the start of a flurry of electric-vehicle startups who rip off Tesla by naming their companies after long-dead scientists who had something to do with electricity.”

Sources in the industry say we can expect to see more high-performance electric vehicles from new startups during this auto show season, including the Ampere Current, the Coulomb Law, and the Gauss Fluxtheorem.

Mr. Simon said that he believed the Resistor would compare favorably with other electric cars, and that its performance would “make the Tesla curl up in a coil” and “put the Faraday in a cage.”

The interview was then terminated abruptly when our correspondent punched Mr. Simon in the throat.

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to AG

Elon Musk writes open letter to Santa Claus

A non-emissions-compliant form of sleigh propulsion, yesterday

A non-emissions-compliant form of sleigh propulsion, yesterday

Elon Musk today issued an open letter to Santa Claus, urging him to consider electric power for his sleigh.

“Reindeer emissions are at an all-time high,” Mr. Musk wrote in his letter. “It’s time for Mr. Kringle to stop using this outdated technology and turn to new, cleaner forms of power that will make the world a better place.”

The letter went on to say that since  an electrically-powered sleigh would take some time to develop, Tesla would be pleased to sell ZEV credits to the North Pole in the meantime.

A spokeself for Jolly Old St. Nick told Autoblopnik that the North Pole had no intentions of changing a mode of power which has worked well for centuries.

“Of course we are always looking at alternative technologies,” the spokeself said. “But we’ve never considered batteries as a viable alternative. When your mission is to visit every single house on the planet in one single night, ‘range anxiety’ takes on a whole new meaning.”

Asked what, if anything, Mr. Musk would be getting for Christmas, the elf said, “I’m not at liberty to say what Little Elon will be getting, but I can tell you it’s made of substance that is frequently burned to power his electric cars.”

© Autoblopnik