Penske to use RFRA to win Indy

Indy 500

An Indy 500, yesterday

Following a narrow defeat in the 2014 Indy 500, Team Penske today announced that it will use Indiana’s newly-passed Religious Freedom Restoration Act to ensure victory in the 2015 race.

“The current Indy 500 rules violate our religious beliefs,” said Team Penske spokesracer Kay Minsecond, “but up until now, we’ve never had any legal grounds on which to file an objection.”

Asked what rules Team Penske planned to object to on religious grounds, Minsecond said, “We feel the 2,200 cc limit violates our faith-based belief that there ain’t no replacement for displacement. Oh, and we also hold a deep religious conviction that none of our competitors should be able to race with wheels on their cars.”

The team plans to fit their cars with 6-liter triple-supercharged V12 engines producing approximately 3,000 horsepower, with Minsecond explaining, “That is what the Lord commanded us, and only us, to do.”

Minsecond says they also believe it is God’s intention that Andretti Motorsports should be locked out of their garages starting 48 hours before the race, and that they intend to carry out the Lord’s work by blocking all of the doors with large construction equipment. Asked why God might concern himself with such matters, Minsecond shrugged her shoulders and said, “The Lord works in mysterious ways, but we have faith.”

Team Penske’s legal expert Lee Galeckspurt says he believes the Religious Freedom Restoration Act will ensure victory for the team.

“Under the new law, IndyCar cannot compel us to race smaller engines, nor can they permit the other teams to install wheels and tires on their vehicles,” he explained to Autoblopnik. “To do so would place a substantial burden on our right to freely practice our religion,” which he described as “a little known branch of Protestantism.”

Republican state legislator Paul LaTition said he was pleased to see the law being put to good use.

“There’s a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation surrounding this new legislation,” he told Autoblonik. “The actions being taken by Team Penske illustrate what the law is all about: Ensuring that Big Government can’t interfere with the rights people of faith have to practice their deeply-held religious beliefs. That’s all. Well, that and keeping fags out of sports bars.”

© Autoblopnik

BBC names new Top Gear presenter

A new Top Gear presenter, yesterday

A new Top Gear presenter, yesterday

The BBC has announced a replacement for newly former Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson. Top Gear’s new presenter will be Colin Blitzsphicter, an out-of-work plumber from Bitchfield, Lincolnshire.

Asked what automotive or journalistic experience Mr. Blitzsphincter had, senior Top Gear producer Wil Andyman said, “Absolutely none. Frankly, he’s completely unsuitable for the job, but he’s willing to work cheap. Really cheap.

“We know Top Gear fans are going to hate whomever we hire as Clarkson’s replacement,” Andyman continued, “so why waste the license payer’s money on someone famous, or even someone who is even remotely qualified?”

No announcement has been made as to whether Top Gear co-hosts James May and Richard Hammond will renew their contracts, but in the event negotiations fall through, Andyman says they will be replaced by Nigel Fartzmoor, an aspiring waiter from Devon, and Ewan Smutlee, a part-time vagrant from the Victoria Bus Station in London.

Clarkson coming to America?

Jeremy Clarkson, yesterday

Jeremy Clarkson, yesterday

Meanwhile, Clarkson is reportedly seeking opportunities across the Atlantic. Cable network Bravo TV has reportedly approached Clarkson as a potential replacement judge on their cooking competition series Top Chef.

“We think it would add an exciting new twist to the program,” a source told Autoblopnik . “Currently, contestants whose cooking isn’t up to scratch are removed from the competition. Instead, we’d like to have Clarkson punch them in the face.”

Clarkson would not comment on any pending offers, but a source close to the iconic star says he is holding out for an offer from Fox News.

“Apparently, that’s the one network where you can make derogatory statements about Mexicans, black people, liberal politicians and the disabled without endangering your job,” our anonymous source said. “Needless to say, that would take a lot of pressure off Jezza.”

© Autoblopnik — who, in case you are reading this, Mr. Wilman, looks halfway decent on camera and whose schedule is wide open for the next thirty years or so

Related news

Volvo reveals technical details of Vision 2020

Nobody dying in an Volvo, yesterday

Nobody dying in a Volvo, yesterday

Volvo, the company credited with introducing the Blind Spot Information System (BLIS), the Side Impact Protection System (SIPS), and the practice of assigning short silly acronyms for safety systems (ASSASS), has pledged that no one will die or be seriously injured in a brand-new Volvo by the year 2020, a program they call Vision 2020. In preparation for the launch of the 2016 Volvo XC90, Volvo sat down with Sniff Autoblopnik to discuss their latest safety innovations.

“The XC90 will debut severål of our Vision 2020 technologies,” explained Volvo säfety expert Jäň Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt, speaking on condition that we don’t pronounce his first name the same way as the middle sister on The Brady Bunch, “åll of which will reduce the number of fätålities in the car.

“Fïrst is the styling, which uses our new Visio-Ocular Modification Impression Technology, or VOMIT,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt explained. “We’ve made the XC90 slightly unattractive, which should reduce the number of büyers by approximately 15 percent. That means ten or twëlve fewer people will die in a Volvo each year.”

For collisions with other vehicles, the XC90 relies on Structural Transverse Integrity For Car Occupant Collision Kinetics, or STÏFCØCK.

“The bödy shell is made of high-strength steel reinforced by giant slabs of concrete,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained. “This will, of course, cause extensive damage to any vehicle that hits the XC90, and may well lead to death and injuries in those other vehicles. Well, fück ‘em. If they wanted to live, they should have bought a Völvo.”

For extreme collisions involving large, heavy or immovable objects such as tractor-trailers, bridge abutments, or New Jersey governor Chris Christie, the XC9Ø relies on Ballistic Longitudinal Auxiliary Acceleration Strategic Telemetry, or BLÄÄST, which consists of ejector seats and removable roof panels.

“Microseconds before a collision,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained, “the BLÄÄST system opens the roof, fires the ejector seats to a height approximately fifty meters above the Volvo, and then detonates them, blowing both the seats and the people in them to tiny little bïts.”

Asked if this wouldn’t prove fatal to the occupants, Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt said, “Of course it will. That’s the whole idëa. They’ll die, but they wön’t die in a Volvo.”

© Autoblopnik

Ford to switch to aluminum press releases

An aluminum press release, yesterday

An aluminum press release, yesterday

Ford Motor Company today announced that they will soon introduce the automotive industry’s first aluminum press release.

“Aluminum is lighter than steel, stronger than paper, and has more letters in its name than wood,” said Clay Magnesium, Ford’s Spokesperson for Materials You Weren’t Expecting.

“Really, this isn’t entirely new technology,” Magnesium explained. “The ink in our traditional press releases have some trace of aluminum, as do the inks used by several automakers. But we will be the first automaker to make such extensive use of aluminum throughout the entire press release.”

Asked how the aluminum press release would come into play now that most communications are sent electronically, Magnesium said, “There are still a lot of publications that prefer printed press releases, and we think they will appreciate the light weight and durability of the aluminum press release. And for those who prefer to get information via email, we will send the aluminum press release as an attachment.”

Magnesium says the first aluminum press release will be distributed at the upcoming New York Auto Show. Initially, only truck-related press releases will use aluminum, with all other vehicle lines switching to aluminum press releases by 2018. Ford, which at one time was estimated to send out nearly 40% of the world’s press releases, is believed to be the first mainstream automaker to make a company-wide switch to alternative materials in their press releases.

Asked what benefits an aluminum press release would have over traditional paper or electronic PDF files, Magnesium said, “None, really. But when has that ever stopped us?”

© Autoblopnik

Nissan veep: New Titan does not look like Ford F-150

According to a story in Automotive Nudes, Nissan’s Senior VP of Nissans that Don’t Look Like Other Vehicles has declared decisively that the 2016 Titan does not look anything like the Ford F-150.

“I am declaring decisively that the 2016 Titan does not look anything like the Ford F-150,” Freddi Az told Automotive Nudes reporter Richard “I Hate Sid” Schweinsberg. “While we recognize that there are some close similarities between the two trucks, particularly around the grille, hood, taillights, headlights, doors, fenders, front fascia, rear fascia, cargo box, running boards, door handles, bumpers, seats, upholstery, center stack, instrument panel, transfer case, ECU programming, and about 85% of the steering gear, I can assure you that the two trucks bear no resemblance to each other whatsoever.”

Az assured Automotive Nerds that Nissan had no need to emulate Ford or any other manufacturer.

“Sure, Ford builds a great pickup truck,” Az said, “But we think Nissan has a better idea. For example, we’re introducing a completely new trim level strategy. Buyers will find Nissan offers more equipment and better value when they compare the XL, XLT, Lariat, King Ranch, and Platinum models of the new Titan to comparably-priced versions of the F-150.”

Az concluded by saying that he is confident in the future of the Titan. “This is a truck that can go further,” he said. “Furthermore, the buying public knows that Nissan build quality is superior, because at Nissan, quality is Job 1, and our trucks are built Nissan tough. With our all-new Titan, we can say to the truck world, ‘Have you driven a Nissan lately?'”

© Autoblopnik

Volkswagen, Ferrari announced limited-edition car

The Volkswagen-Ferrari FxxK-UP!, yesterday

The Volkswagen-Ferrari FxxK-UP!, yesterday

Volkswagen today announced that they are expected to reveal that they will be introducing the premiere of a new special-edition car designed with Ferrari.

Based on the European-market city car, the UP!, the new vehicle will share several styling cues with Ferrari’s latest track-only vehicle, the FxxK.

As you can probably guess, the new vehicle will be called the FxxK UP!.

Standard equipment on the FxxK UP! will include air conditioning, rain-sensing wipers, and a year’s supply of blatantly obvious jokes about a Ferrari with a name so ridiculous that it hurts just to think about it.

In keeping with Ferrari tradition, an extremely limited number of vehicles the will be offered to an elite group of pre-selected Ferrari and Volkswagen owners who will not be allowed to drive the car on the public roads, private tracks, or even a couple of times up and down the driveway. The FxxK UP! will be priced at one trillion dollars, with a $0 down payment and nothing but your signature at the Volkswagen Sign Then Go Away event, so hurry on down to your Volkswagen dealer because these deals won’t last long!

© Autoblopnik