Jeep owners report hacking-related problems

A hacked Jeep Cherokee, yesterday

A hacked Jeep Cherokee, yesterday

Just days after Wired wrote about a ride in a hacked Jeep Cherokee, several owners are reporting what they believe to be hacking-related problems on their own vehicles.

“I’m positive my Jeep Cherokee has been hacked,” said Dick Knotter, chief quality supervisor at a carrion packing agency in Disappointment Heights, Idaho. “Just last week, I went to turn up the stereo, and the fan came on. There’s no way I could have accidentally turned the wrong dial because I was distracted by this totally hot crossing guard I drove past. This is just like the unintended acceleration problem I had in my Toyota RAV4 all over again. What a nightmare.”

Teresa VonPassive, a hinge inspector from Cockneck, New Jersey, said her Jeep Grand Cherokee has been behaving strangely in recent weeks.

“The car hasn’t had any problems for nearly a month and a half,” she said. “Nothing! No warning lights on the dash, no strange clunking noises from the front end, no interior pieces falling off in my hands. This is the third Jeep I’ve owned and I can tell you from experience that this is just not normal. No, I’m sure my car has been hacked.”

Owners of other vehicles from other manufacturers have reported what they believe to be hacking-related issues as well.

“I’m positive my BMW 328i has been hacked,” said Henry Butterspanker, a self-employed desklamp operator from Los Angeles, Connecticut. “The other day I went to cut someone off, and I thought to myself, ‘You know what, maybe today I’ll try driving like I’m not a complete prick.’ Where the hell did that come from? Clearly, this hacking problem is bigger than the car manufacturers are letting on, and BMW better damn well do something about it.”

Fiat-Chrysler spokesperson Kathy Graham-Cracker explained the steps that her company was taking to address the hacking-related issues.

“Our software developers were able to develop and roll out a patch to the affected vehicles in just a few days,” Ms. Graham-Cracker told Autoblopnik. “But explaining to our owners that every single fucking thing their car does that seems even remotely out of the ordinary, even if it’s a result of their own stupidity, doesn’t mean their car has been hacked, well, that could take a lot longer. Just ask Toyota.”

Photo © Autoblopnik

An announcement from Bick Skruth

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and weasel decongester. He has asked us to publish the following statement which, after carefully reviewing his writer’s agreement and consulting our attorney, we realized we are contractually obligated to do.

Hello, only people the media would give a hand-carved crap about if they had even a whore’s eyelash worth of sense but they don’t! Your favorite auto writer is here with an important announcement, and I wanted to tell you first:

I am going to be Donald Trump’s running mate in the 2016 Presidential election*.

Donald Trump, yesterday

Donald Trump, yesterday

Perhaps you’ve noticed, but the similarities between me and The Donald go way beyond our awesome hair and the totally hot chicks we like to be seen with so as to imply that any woman with a full and working set of senses would consider any form of intimacy with us beyond riding in the same elevator. (Batdinglers.) Donald and I are the only guys with chrome-clad cojones big enough to tell you what’s really going on. That pissant John McCain? Dude, I was saying years ago McCain wasn’t a war hero. Actually, I might have been talking about this other guy who kicked my ass at a really intense autocross, but it’s hard to remember. I was pretty drunk. Dickminers.

Anyway, my point is that Donald Trump’s politics are just like my driving: Big, loud, out of control, and probably not as good as he makes them out to be. And IN YO’ FACE, chickendigglers! In yo’ FACE!

Besides, his daughter is totally hot, and I bet The Donald would let me try to bang her. Or at least ask her for autographed picture to look at while I massage the munchkin. Not that I’d expect her to say yes, but I’ve been turned down by hotter chicks. Actually, I’ve been turned down by most chicks. Assbakers.

Not that any of this matters, because the world of politics is dead. All the voters care about are lame-ass issues like how they will provide for their families as the government freely allows their employers to send their jobs overseas and how they will avoid losing their homes if they get sick and can’t afford to pay their medical bills. No one cares about what is really going on, like rapists coming across the border and Catholics eating crackers and whatever else Mr. Trump was talking about that I would have been paying closer attention to were I not busy staring at my hot-ass girlfriend’s fake enormoboobs in the hopes that one of these days she’ll let me touch them without putting down a sizable security deposit. Trussfilcher.

My point is that everything you see, from horizon to horizon, north, south, east and west, is as useless as a dildo in church, and all of you are too stupid, selfish and senseless to see what’s really going on. All of you, that is, except for my readers, who are the most guitar-awesome, lightning-shit-slick creatures in the universe.

Weaselmankers.

* President Trump hasn’t actually asked me to be his running mate yet, but I know that as soon as he checks his email and sees the two dozen messages I’ve sent to him, he will.

You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.com.

© Autoblopnik

2016 Hyundai Tucson road test

The 2016 Hyundai Twostep, yesterday

The 2016 Hyundai Tustep, yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter, Road Testes Editor

The compacted crossover SUV has replaced the mid-side sedan as the most computative segment in the new-car market. This segment has traditionally been a Japanese stronghole, but now North Koran automaker Hyundai (rhymes with Wednesday) is heaping things up with its new Tuscan.

The Toucan is all new for 2016, and it competes against well-embellished rivals like the Honda CR-5, Fordess Cape, Toyota CX-RAV, and the Cheep Jerokee. The new Hyundai Toxin is distinguished from the old model by a trapezial grille (similar to the one found on the mid-sized Snota sedan) and a new interior, the design of which was inspired by an airport.

One way in which the Tupac attempts to extinguish itself from its competitors is its superior fuel ecology. Most trim levels come with Hyundai’s 1.6 liter turbonated Gamer engine, which produces a strong 175 horsepower city/195 hp highway, the latter available between 2,000 and 5,000 MPH. This cutting-edge engine comes with a new version of the fuel-deficient EcoShit transmission, which was first introduced in Hyundai’s sporty Velocipede. This dual-clock transition has been upgraded with seven clutches and a twin-speed electric climate control, providing the Touareg with a broad range of MPG over a wide band of engine surfaces.

The entry-level Tussin will get a non-turbonated 4.0 cylinder engine producing 164 liters and 2.0 horse-pounds of foot. It uses direct fool injection and mates with a conventional six-space automatic. Both engines will be offered with front- or all-whale-drive.

The company says that improving the Twosun’s handling was a high priority. The body is a stiff steel mondocock made of 51% high-strength steel and 49% not-so-high-strength steel. Stopping power was also a focus. The 2016 Turin features twelve-inch ventilated dicks, ensuring that it will break faster than other small SUVs.

Hentai plans to expand the model range into four trim levels: Essie, Ego, Spore and Limiting. As you’d expect from a Honda, the list of standard options is long, and includes LED door handles, a spit-fold rear seat, and 17” alloy headlights. Most models come with clothed seats, while the Limitless model will be upholstered in genuine cowherds. Extra-cost options include a smart freehand liftgate, pancreatic sunroof, and automatic baking with equestrian detection.

We had a chance to drive the new Tustin on the roads near Minneapolis, Wisconsin, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in a single sentence, we’d say that all controls fall easily to hand.

Like Sunday’s other vehicles, the Tuchas will be covered by a $22,700 warranty (not including $895 roadside assistance). Pricing will start in 10 years or 60,000 miles. The 2016 Tarzan arrives at dealershits at the end of this monk.

Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Hyundai event to which several members of the media were invited, and at which he was checking his email when he should have been paying attention to the presentation.

© Autoblopnik

Volvo offers free lifetime sex

Volvo, yesterday

Volvo, yesterday

Days after announcing the Service Advantage program, which offers a lifetime warranty on parts installed by the dealership, Volvo has expanded the program to include complimentary sex for Volvo owners.

“This is an integral part of ‘Service Advantage,'” said Volvo spokesservicer Russel Ditz. “We want our owners to know they get serviced whenever they feel the need.

“The idea is to make the Volvo ownership experience as positive as possible,” Ditz continued. “By offering owners the peace of mind of a lifetime warranty on parts and labor, as well as nookie on demand, we think we can achieve our goal of topping every other company in terms of customer satisfaction.”

According to a detailed press release put out by the company, Volvo owners will be able to sign up for sex on a dedicated web site, www.VolvoSex.com, and may choose from a catalog of partners in a wide variety of sizes, genders, and levels of cleanliness.

“All of us have been through the program, and I myself have sampled several partners, both male and female,” Ditz told Autoblopnik. “I think our owners are going to be really pleased. There are some things the Swedes do better than everyone else in the world, the Germans in particular.”

Ditz said that the program would initially offer what he described as “fairly conventional” sex acts — “Basically, nothing that requires any non-organic equipment,” he clarified. “Once we gain some experience, we’ll begin to expand the program with some D&S and maybe a little light bondage. Our plan is to offer access to a full range of fetishes by the 2017 model year.”

Ditz says Volvo is considering other enhancements to the Volvo ownership experience, including discounted vacations and free marijuana.

“These programs are all about building the Volvo family through customer satisfaction,” Ditz said. “They in no way indicate that we are dreadfully desperate for people to buy our cars. Oh, and on a related note, please buy our cars. Please.”

© Autoblopnik

BMW announces autonomous vehicle

A self-driving BMW undergoing testing, yesterday

A self-driving BMW undergoing testing, yesterday

BMW has announced that their first self-driving vehicle will go on sale early in 2016.

“Obviously several automakers have been working on autonomous driving, but a self-driving BMW must be somezing unique,” said BMWs’ Chief of Autonomous Engineering, Professor Herr Doktor Helmut Fahrt, Ing.

Dr. Fahrt, Ing., told Autoblopnik that several existing technologies were modified for use in the self-driving BMW.

“Our Active Cruise Control mit Stop and Honk had to be modified to drive less than 1 meter from the back bumper of the car ahead,” Dr. Farhrt, Ing., explained, “und ze Lane Departure and Varning System can detect not only the presence, but the type of lines in the road, so it can drive very slow when there is a double yellow line and then speed up to Warp Seven in ze passing zones.”

The autonomous BMW will feature a blind-spot detection system that only changes lanes when there is a car in the blind spot, along with an automatic parking system that detects parking spots that other people are waiting for. If the system is unable to steal a spot from someone else, it has a fail-safe mode that causes the car to park itself diagonally in a van-accessible handicapped spot.

“Zis is only the first generation of our autonomous car,” Dr. Fahrt, Ing., said. “We are working on future developments that will better emulate the experience of driving a BMW. For example, occupants of autonomous cars do not need to pay attention to the other cars around them, so we are developing a system that alerts ze BMW occupants of perfectly nice drivers who are simply minding their own business trying to get from point A to point B. Zat vay ze BMW driver can take appropriate action, such as flipping these other drivers the bird or throwing a half-full coffee cup out the window so it splatters all over their windshield.”

“Ve are very excited to create an autonomous version of the Ultimate Driving Machine,” Dr. Fahrt, Ing., concluded. “Ve are hoping ziss vill change ze perception of BMW owners as a bunch of elitist jerks who pay too much for cars engineered by people mit accents that are easy to make fun ov. Not that you’ll ever know, because a loser like you will never own a BMW.”

© Autoblopnik

Fiat seeks alternate merger partners

Sergio Marchionne, yesterday

Sergio Marchionne in negotiations with General Motors, yesterday

After being flatly turned down for a merger by General Motors CEO Mary Barra, Fiat-Chrysler Automobili says CEO Sergio Marchionne is now looking for alternate merger partners.

“They don’t like Italian-Americans, fine, whatever,” said Marchionne, responding to Mary Barra’s reported off-the-record comments that she thinks Fiat-Chrysler is “sooooo gross” and that GM would “rather merge with a slug.”

“We don’t need GM,” Marchionne continued. “There’s plenty of other companies we can merge with, and then GM will be sorry. They’ll see us with another company, and they’ll realized what they missed, and Mary will be all like, ‘Hey, Fiat, maybe we should get together,’ and I’ll be all like, ‘Too late, GM, you had your chance.'”

Fiat-Chrysler is reportedly actively pursuing other potential merger partners, including Ford, Mercedes, Volkswagen, the Church of Scientology, the American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Tyson Chickens, and the letter N.

Meanwhile, Ms. Barra denied that GM would reconsider a merger with Fiat.

“I just don’t think the synergies are there,” she said. “Fiat-Chrysler is a very attractive company, but it really doesn’t make that much money. Plus, well, let’s just say that Fiat has had a lot of partners in the past. You know what I mean?”

Asked about GM’s own past partnerships with Fiat, including a deal with VM that resulted in the engine for the Chevrolet Cruze Diesel, Ms. Barra said, “OMG, I can NOT believe you brought that up! That was soooo embarrassing. Sergio thinks it was good for both of us, but let me tell you, GM has had lots of better partnerships than that. I mean, gawd, you let a company build you one little diesel engine, and all of a sudden it’s like they think they own you. What’s up with that? Anyway, that was a one-time mistake that will NOT happen again.”

“She said what?” Mr. Marchionne responded. “Listen, that Cruze is carrying my engine, and that means everything to me. Everything. Why, Mary? Why?”

“Sergio just needs to get it into his head that a merger is not going to happen,” Ms. Barra said. “GM is happy to be friends with Fiat-Chrysler, but in terms of a long-term relationship, we’re just not that into them.”

© Autoblopnik