Land Rover insists they are “completely serious” about Evoque Convertible

A bad idea undergoing testing, yesterday

A bad idea undergoing testing, yesterday

A spokesman for British automaker Land Rover today insisted that the company was “completely serious” about producing the Range Rover Evoque Convertible.

“Yes, we’re completely serious about producing this vehicle,” said Sir Nigel Elton Colin Hammersmith Cockfoster-Wingebastard VIII, MBE, MP, OIC, OU812, Fifty-Third Earl of Nosingham-by-the-Dumpster. “And frankly, I can’t understand why the automotive press would think we weren’t.

“Our press office has been inundated with enquiries asking if this is a joke, or that if there was some sort of a late-night alcohol-fueled office party preceding the announcement,” Cockfoster-Wingebastard told an assembled group of journalists at a press conference earlier today. “I have told them, and I will tell you, that nothing of the sort is going on. We really think the world is ready for a convertible crossover utility vehicle, and– please, gentleman, I can’t make myself heard if you’re going to keep laughing so loud.”

Land Rover issued a press release saying the Evoque Convertible would be revealed in November and go on sale some time in the spring of 2016.

“No, we haven’t scheduled the debut for the first of April,” said Cockfoster-Wingebastard in response to a reporter’s question. “Why would we do that? Really, gentleman, I don’t see what is so funny. What? Murano? Never heard of it. What is that, some sort of cheese?”

© Autoblopnik

2015 Fiat 500L review

Test-driving the Fiat 500L, yesterday

Test-driving the Fiat 500L, yesterday

by Jorge “Francis” Bergoglio

People buy cars based on what they think that car says about them, even if they’re wrong. How many people buy BMWs and Mercedes because they think it will help them to indulge in the carnal sin of the flesh? And yet that really doesn’t work very well, as I have learned from  experience. (I wasn’t always in the clergy, you know.)

Nowadays, what I value in a car is austerity and humility. And after touring the austere scenery of America’s east coast in Fiat’s family-sized hatchback, I am pleased to report that there is no more humiliating experience than driving the Fiat 500L.

Though the outside of the 500L appears no larger than that crummy little apartment I live in at the Vatican, it turned out that there was plenty of room for me, my driver, and three of my closest co-workers, although it certainly helps that those three don’t make a habit of appearing in fleshly form. Leg and shoulder space are adequate, and there’s so much headroom that I seriously considered trading in my yarmulke for the ridiculously tall hat John Paul II was so fond of.

The 500L’s big doors make for easy ingress and egress, especially when one is wearing a cassock (and that’s what it’s called, people, so please stop calling it a dress, because it isn’t. Women wear dresses, and women aren’t supposed to be priests, remember?). And the ergonomics are excellent for a holy man such as myself, with all controls falling right to hand: Patris, Filii, Spiritus Sancti, rear defogger.

I have advised my clergy to be thrifty in their choice of transportation, so the 500L’s plummeting resale value is a definite advantage. The 500L loses nearly 80% of its value the moment you drive it off the dealer’s lot, and you can pick up a clean secondhand example with less than 24,000 miles on the clock for about the same price as a used Dan Brown paperback.

Of course, reliability is a concern with any Fiat, especially one built in Serbia at a former Yugo plant. I find that a regimen of daily prayer kept the 500L running just fine, but if you aren’t a Catholic, you might be better off buying a Honda.

Jorge Mario Bergoglio is the head of the Catholic Church, Bishop of Rome, and Sovereign of the Vatican City. A native of Buenos Aires, Jorge has also worked as a chemist and a nightclub bouncer. When he isn’t writing car reviews for or leading the largest Christian order in the world, he enjoys watching soccer, dancing the tango, and riding the bus.

© Autoblopnik

Auto journalists “knew all along” that Volkswagen TDIs were problematic

Volkswagen gets a warning about the dangers of the TDI, yesterday

Volkswagen gets a warning about the dangers of the TDI, yesterday

In the wake of the Volkswagen emissions scandal, several prominent automotive publications are saying that they were well aware of the problems with Volkswagen’s diesel engines, and have been attempting to educate the public about the potential dangers for some time.

“We knew all along that there was a problem with VW’s TDIs,” said Randy Backpeddler, Contributing Editor for “That’s why we have been recommending people buy them: So we could get enough of them on the road to attract attention to the very obvious problem of emissions cheating. I’m proud to say that our strategy has worked.”

Dean Nyer, Editor-in-Chief of Roadgoing Asshole Magazine, says his publication’s attempts to warn readers about Volkswagen’s diesel cars have been largely misunderstood.

“We have often written that only cool people buy diesels and that hybrid buyers are boring,” he told Autoblopnik. “What we meant was that diesel buyers are cool to important environmental issues that ought not to be ignored, while hybrid buyers are boring right into the heart of the matter, which is to reduce air pollution.”

Osmond Reefqueefer of Kelly Boob Book agreed that his publication’s position on Volkswagen diesels was also taken out of context.

“Sure, we said Volkswagen’s TDI cars were great,” he said. “And what we meant was that they pose a great danger to the health and safety of the American public.”

Volkswagen spokespolluter Gil Markes said he expects the media attention will be short lived.

“We were a bit surprised as to how much coverage the story has received, especially considering how many journalists we hosted at the Frankfurt Auto Show,” Markes told Autoblopnik. “But we’re pretty sure the media attention will die down once we announce that the 2017 Passat press preview will take place in Hawaii.”

© Autoblopnik

Apology issued for Volkswagen emissions debacle

Mary Barra apologizing, yesterday

Mary Barra apologizing, yesterday

Mary Barra has issued a formal apology for the  Volkswagen emissions scandal, in which the Environmental Protection Agency has formally accused Volkswagen of installing a “defeat device” to pass emissions test.

“Volkswagen has violated the trust of thousands of its customers, and for that, General Motors would like to apologize,” Ms. Barra said.

“We know the general public will have a difficult time forgiving and forgetting what Volkswagen has done,” Ms. Barra added. “And for that, General Motors can only say we are very, very sorry.”

Asked what role General Motors played in the VW emissions scandal, Ms. Barra said, “None whatsoever. But that won’t stop people from blaming us and saying how much our cars suck compared to the Germans and the Japanese. Just you watch.”

“Obviously, we feel a great deal of sympathy for Volkswagen considering our own recent troubles,” she added. “But give us some credit. A car that has had its engine involuntarily switched off doesn’t pollute.”

© Autoblopnik

Sponsored Content: Automotive Cheese

A set of 20-inch wheels, yesterday

A set of 20-inch wheels, yesterday

When you think of the materials that go into making automobiles, you probably think of metal, glass and plastic. But what about cheese? Automotive-grade cheese is a vital part of making cars lighter, safer, and more fuel-efficient.


1) Automotive grade cheese is 18% lighter by volume than aluminum and nearly 67% lighter than steel.

2) It is estimated that a mid-size car with a body made entirely from cheese would see a 6 MPG increase in fuel economy based on weight savings. Reduced-fat cheese and some varieties of cheddar would provide even greater gains.

3) When added to rubber used to make tires, cheese provides for a tread surface that is more pliable in cold temperatures, improving both adhesion and taste.

4) Because cheese does not conduct electricity, it makes an excellent and cost-effective insulating material. It is far superior to rubber and plastic for long-term reliability because rodents will eat the cheese and leave the vehicle’s wiring intact.

5) Cheese is fully biodegradable. Recycling components made out of cheese is easy and inexpensive—simply rinse them off and serve them with crackers and wine.

Embrace the future and protect the environment. Insist on cheese in your next vehicle!

© Autoblopnik – Paid for by the Automotive Cheese Alliance of America

Tim The Car Expert reviews the Honda Civic

Please welcome the newest member of our editorial team, Tim The Car Expert, an automotive blogger who brings his weeks of experience to
Honda CIvic front 2

2015 Honda Civic review

Hand Him Some Celery, Virginia, And Maybe He’ll Go Away

by Tim The Car Expert

There are some cars that fill you with awe at their power, speed and beauty.

There are some cars that impress you with a sense of purpose.

There are some cars that remind you that the creation of the automobile need not be a science, but can be elevated to an art.

But rare—so very, very rare—are cars that do all three.

This is one of those cars.

This is the Honda Civic Sedan.

Let’s start with the styling: The sinewy sheetmetal of the sultry Civic cannot fail to impress. It is simple, stoic, and strong.

“Fear not the dark or the drunk,” the Honda Civic seems to say, “for I will deliver you to your destination in style, comfort, and impressive fuel economy that is among the best in its class.”

Every crease, every line, every detail seems as if it was placed with precise purpose. Headlights, side mirrors, door handles—everything that adorns this car appears as if it was put there for a reason.

Even the chrome strip on the grille, which could reflect a life-saving glint of sunlight into the eyes of a squirrel with faulty peripheral vision, stopping it from making a suicidal attempt to cross the highway.

Inside, the Civic impresses with that same sense of purpose. Running one’s hands over the plastics that make up this ergonomically excellent cabin, one cannot fail to be impressed.

Take, for example, the seats, a detail to which few reviewers pay adequate attention. They are impressively sized to accommodate any driver, from the delicate derriere of a debutante to the ample ass of an aebleskiver aficionado.

Hodna Civic EngineSaid seats are upholstered in a slick-looking fabric that serves as an ode to the achievements of the mechanized textile industry.

No less impressive is the Civic’s dashboard, designed so intuitively as to make every driver’s wish come true.

Whatever it is you want to do—turn on the headlights, open the window, make the car turn left—Honda has thoughtfully provided a button, switch, or other ergonomically sound control to turn your desire into cold, hard reality.

And as for the touch-screen stereo, we can come up with no better description than Honda’s own, when it says “the next generation of connected-car technology to meet the evolving needs of today’s tech-savvy, always-connected consumers (Continued next page)”.

We couldn’t figure out how to make it play anything other than the the Cool Canadian Christian Jazz station on SiriusXM, but we’re sure that’s nothing an evening or two spent perusing the owner’s manual couldn’t fix.

Such impressive technology extends under the Civic’s smooth steel bonnet, where you’ll find a 1.8 liter cross-webbed aluminum engine with a billet-peened crankshaft, iron-boron sintered connecting rod caps, and a dual-mode wet-offset gear-loaded variable valve timing system that actuates sodium-nitrate valves through a locked-fulcrum swing-rocker assembly with pre-lubed clerestory washers at the #5, #7, and #13 relief port positions.

With such impressive hardware, it’s no surprise that this engine develops 143 horsepower at 6500 RPM.

Or that it makes 129 lb-ft of torque at 4300 RPM.

And gets 39 MPG on the highway when equipped with a CVT.

Acceleration from this flexible family sedan can only be described as quick, strong, smooth, impressive, sprightly, urgent, pulse-quickening, and more than adequate.

On the mean streets near my parents’ house in Valencia, California, we were easily able to cruise at velocities 50% higher than the city speed limit of 30 MPH, the Civic showing no signs of stress or strain.

A quick run through our own secret test track revealed impressive cornering ability. Ignoring the yellow warning signs urging us not to take the onramp at anything more than 35 MPH, we blew through it in the Civic at an eye-watering 42, with only a hint of understeer and nary a squeal of protest from the P195/65R15 Michelin Energy tires that shod its slick 15″ steel wheels.

Honda Civic interiorA far more impressive performance than the 2008 Chevrolet Cobalt that serves as our daily driver.

Our only complaint about the Honda Civic is the CVT transmission. There is no question in our mind that as impressive as it is, the Civic would be even better with a manual gearbox. While we understand that not everyone can row their own gears, automatics suck. An automaker as impressive as Honda ought to know this. So why no paddle shifters?

But this is only the most minor of minor faults, and after fifteen minutes of intense driving, we came away incredibly impressed by the sheer brilliance of the Honda Civic, available at excellent car dealers like Farding Honda of Valencia, California, Where everyone is treated like a star because Farding Honda is where the stars come to buy their Hondas. (Tim The Car Expert does not endorse any individual dealership.)

If you are looking for a safe, impressive, commodious family sedan, a car that feels just as much at home on a quick grocery run as it does on a cross-country jaunt from Portland, Maine to Portland, Oregon, you can do no better than the 2015 Honda Civic.

Drive one and we guarantee you will be impressed.

Tim The Car Expert wishes to thank Constance Farding at Farding Honda for letting us test drive the 2015 Honda Civic. You can see more of Tim’s work at

© Autoblopnik and TimTheCarExpert™

Another startling Josh Duggar revelation

A child-molesting hypocrite, yesterday

A child-molesting hypocrite, yesterday

A day after it was revealed that serial hypocrite Josh Duggar had an account on and cheated on his wife, new embarrassing revelations have come to light about the self-admitted kiddy fiddler.

In a written statement, Mr. Duggar stated, “It has recently come to light that for a period of time in my life, I drove a Toyota Corolla. I am a horrid, child-molesting hypocrite. While espousing the pursuit of a better life, I have been secretly driving the most boring, soulless car ever created.

“While I appreciate that God and my family have been able to forgive me for fondling the breasts and genitals of underage children, looking at porn, and paying money to a site so I could have sex with someone more interesting and ambitious than my wife,” Chester’s statement continued, “I realize I may now have committed an unforgivable sin. I apologize to my family, my fans, and Jesus.”

Asked if she planned to stay with her husband, Anna Duggar, in a rare public statement, said, “I really don’t know. I can live with Josh wanting to bang other women, and I can even raise two daughters in the same house as a man who admittedly molested several young girls including his own sisters and got away with it. But share my bed with a man who drives a Toyota Corolla? That’s something I’m really going to have to pray about.”

© Autoblopnik