Nissan veep: New Titan does not look like Ford F-150

According to a story in Automotive Nudes, Nissan’s Senior VP of Nissans that Don’t Look Like Other Vehicles has declared decisively that the 2016 Titan does not look anything like the Ford F-150.

“I am declaring decisively that the 2016 Titan does not look anything like the Ford F-150,” Freddi Az told Automotive Nudes reporter Richard “I Hate Sid” Schweinsberg. “While we recognize that there are some close similarities between the two trucks, particularly around the grille, hood, taillights, headlights, doors, fenders, front fascia, rear fascia, cargo box, running boards, door handles, bumpers, seats, upholstery, center stack, instrument panel, transfer case, ECU programming, and about 85% of the steering gear, I can assure you that the two trucks bear no resemblance to each other whatsoever.”

Az assured Automotive Nerds that Nissan had no need to emulate Ford or any other manufacturer.

“Sure, Ford builds a great pickup truck,” Az said, “But we think Nissan has a better idea. For example, we’re introducing a completely new trim level strategy. Buyers will find Nissan offers more equipment and better value when they compare the XL, XLT, Lariat, King Ranch, and Platinum models of the new Titan to comparably-priced versions of the F-150.”

Az concluded by saying that he is confident in the future of the Titan. “This is a truck that can go further,” he said. “Furthermore, the buying public knows that Nissan build quality is superior, because at Nissan, quality is Job 1, and our trucks are built Nissan tough. With our all-new Titan, we can say to the truck world, ‘Have you driven a Nissan lately?'”

© Autoblopnik

Volkswagen, Ferrari announced limited-edition car

The Volkswagen-Ferrari FxxK-UP!, yesterday

The Volkswagen-Ferrari FxxK-UP!, yesterday

Volkswagen today announced that they are expected to reveal that they will be introducing the premiere of a new special-edition car designed with Ferrari.

Based on the European-market city car, the UP!, the new vehicle will share several styling cues with Ferrari’s latest track-only vehicle, the FxxK.

As you can probably guess, the new vehicle will be called the FxxK UP!.

Standard equipment on the FxxK UP! will include air conditioning, rain-sensing wipers, and a year’s supply of blatantly obvious jokes about a Ferrari with a name so ridiculous that it hurts just to think about it.

In keeping with Ferrari tradition, an extremely limited number of vehicles the will be offered to an elite group of pre-selected Ferrari and Volkswagen owners who will not be allowed to drive the car on the public roads, private tracks, or even a couple of times up and down the driveway. The FxxK UP! will be priced at one trillion dollars, with a $0 down payment and nothing but your signature at the Volkswagen Sign Then Go Away event, so hurry on down to your Volkswagen dealer because these deals won’t last long!

© Autoblopnik

Ferrari introduces new FxxK

A Ferrari FxxK, yesterday

A Ferrari FxxK, yesterday

Much to the glee of automotive parody news sites everywhere, Ferrari has announced that their new track-only supercar will be called the FxxK.

“We wanted to strive for something really unique, something that would get everyone talking,” said Ferrari spokesissimo Salvatore Peeyarissimo. “When people see this car, we want them to say ‘Oh, FxxK!'”

Though an on-sale date has not been announced, Ferrari dealers report that potential owners are already putting down cash deposits.

“Whatever Ferrari charges for the car, I’m willing to spend,” said Rich Bastard, a toilet-tank entrepreneur from the upscale hamlet of Bureaucratic Falls, Connecticut. “I’ll pay anything for a fast FxxK.”

Owners groups have already begun springing up, first of which are a Maine-based organization called FxxK ME, a European group that will be known as FxxK EU, and group of American enthusiasts calling themselves FxxK US. Unusually for Ferrari, an family-oriented group of female owners has also been established; it will be called Mother FxxKers.

Ferrari says it plans to auction the first production FxxK to charity with proceeds going to benefit the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to the Less Than Bright. The charity event will be known as “Ferrari Gives a FxxK.”

While most of the press response to the FxxK has been positive, there has been concern in the industry about letting Ferrari skirt US emissions and noise regulations and import the car into the United States. Autoblopnik has heard reports that a consortium of sports-car manufacturers have organized a lobby group called “Get the FxxK Out Of Here.”

Asked if the car’s unusual name could potentially cause controversy, Ferrari’s Peeyarisimo said “Of course not. Ferrari is the finest car in the world, and no matter what we call it, people will buy it. Even if we used a name that sounds like something naughty in another language, a name that is bound to be the butt of jokes for generations to come, people would buy it. But of course, that would never happen. Surely someone from one of our foreign offices would stop us from making ourselves look so foolish.”

Ferrari’s US spokespeople were not available for comment, but Cadillac’s Johann DeNysschen was.

“I guess naming all of the Infinitis Q or QX doesn’t look quite so stupid, does it?” he said.

© Autoblopnik

P.S. Yep, SniffPetrol hit this one, too.

Autoblopnik reports from the 2014 Los Angeles Auto Show

Autoblopnik at the Los Autos Angel Show, yesterday

Autoblopnik at the Los Autos Angel Show, yesterday

The 2014 Los Angeles Auto Show is now closed to the public, so good luck saying that anything we are about to report is incorrect. Pthpth. Here am some highlights from the show.

Jaguar announced that the F-TYPE will now have a six-speed manual transmission. The white car shown on display was originally orange; draw your own conclusions about the reaction of the assembled journalists. The press conference included a mass hypnosis session in which all were convinced to forget what Jaguar said about the automatic-only F-Type being perfectly fine.

Mazda introduced its new subcompact crossover, the CX-3, while at a nearby booth Nissan displayed the new Murano. Both companies confirmed they are competing to see who can design the most ridiculous-looking D-pillar.

Audi unveiled its new Prologue concept, which Audi Designhead Marc Lichte described as “the future of Audi embodied in a single vehicle.” Asked to elaborate, Lichte told Autoblopnik.com, “Since they all look alike and drive alike, we figure we might as well just sell one single vehicle with different badges. Think of the money we’ll save!”

The new Hyundai something-or-other, yesteday

The new Hyundai Azerai, yestedai

Hyundai showed an aging rock star, but would not confirm rumors of a recent face lift. Performance was amazing.

Mitsubishi unveiled the sharp-looking XR-PHEV concept, which will feature in their TV and online ads along with a new tagline, “Mitsubishi: Please stop talking shit about the Mirage.”

Lexus continued a long-standing auto show tradition by showing the LF-C2 Concept and pretending it wasn’t the upcoming RC convertible.

Toyota displayed their new Mirai hydrogen fuel-cell car, which goes on sale to the public next year. Toyota says they plan to compensate for the lack of hydrogen fuel stations by making a car so ugly that few people will want to buy it, a strategy they said worked brilliantly well for the Echo.

The new BMW MX-5, yesterday

The new BMW MX-5, yesterday

Chevrolet showed a diesel-powered version of the Colorado, though it did not elicit the expected reaction as most show-goers were still spent from their reaction to the manual Jaguar F-Type.

BMW displayed a new X6M called the “P.T. Barnum Edition.” They expect to sell about one per minute.

Ford showed a new edition of the Mustang called the Shelby GT-350, which they said will develop over 500 horsepower from what appears to be a naturally-aspirated 5.2 liter V8. Asked how the car could produce such astronomical power figures without forced induction, a Mustang engineer told Autoblopnik.com, “What do you mean, without forced induction? Here, I’ll show you the… wait, where did… oh, sweet mother of Jesus. Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.”

The new Chevrolet Regal at the Lost Angels Auto Show, yesterday

The Lexus RC-LF at the Lost Angels Auto Show, yesterday

Ford also unveiled the facelifted Explorer, with a new grille that makes it look more like a Ford SUV and less like a personal grooming device. Under the hood is a new 2.3 liter EcoBoost engine with fuel economy estimates of 20 MPG city and 28 MPG highway. Ford stressed that those numbers are “preliminary,” which at Ford means “over-estimated by roughly 35%”.

Finally, Volkswagen showed the Golf R Sportwagen, which combines the body of the Sportwagen [sic] with the Golf R’s 296 horsepower all-wheel-drive powertrain [sick]. Said one journalist, “Wait, a stick-shift F-Type, a diesel Colorado, and now this? What do you think we are, porn stars?”

© Autoblopnik.com

More photos from the Los Angeles Auto Show:

ottola3 ottola8 ottola1 ottola2

Elon Musk predicts killer robots

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, founder and chief sensational headline generator at Tesla Motors, today further directed attention away from the company’s tenuous financial situation by predicting that killer robots could destroy humanity “…in the five year time frame, 10 years at most.”

In a conversation at a Vanity Fair conference, Musk reportedly told an interviewer that killer robots, like most electronic annoyances, could start in email.

“If its [function] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam,” Musk allegedly said, “and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans…” He then trailed off as loud, ominous music played in the background.

In a comment that was reportedly posted and then reportedly deleted from Edge.org, Musk reportedly went on to reportedly describe how a robot invasion might reportedly happen.

“It’s very likely that these killer robots would network together and decide to eliminate humanity by setting off nuclear bombs,” he said. “I’m sure there would be a resistance movement of surviving humans, but if the robots figure out how to travel back in time and kill the leaders, mankind could be doomed. Especially if they send a particularly brawny robot with an Austrian accent and a yen for politics.”

Asked how humans could best survive such an onslaught, Musk said, “We need to get a bunch of hydraulic presses and as many vats of molten metal as we can find and put them everywhere. Those are the only sure way to kill time-traveling robots. Of course, that might not stop them. The robots would probably develop all sorts of new technology, like liquid metal and totally hot female robots that are all like, ‘Hey, look at my bewbs, aren’t they nice? HAH, I just stabbed you with my liquid metal finger that turned into a knife!’ I’m sure they’ll make at least four attempts before people decide they are tired of time-traveling robots and the robots just give up.”

Asked what his proposed solution to the problem was, Musk said, “I’d suggest we get some prima donna actor to throw a temper tantrum and scream at a poor crew member for no good reason, then post it to YouTube. For whatever reason, that seems to keep the killer robots away for years at a time.”

Tesla stock prices fell by two and a half points today as company managers scrampbled to figure out who let Elon have access to a computer with Internet connectivity.

© Autoblopnik.com