Volkswagen announces TDI fix

There is absolutely nothing wrong here, yesterday

There is absolutely nothing wrong here, yesterday

Volkswagen today announced that they had developed a fix for the emissions “cheat” affecting their 2.0 and 3.0 liter TDI diesel engines.

“It’s a simple matter of reprogramming,” said Volkswagen spokesprogrammer Paul Looter.

Volkswagen has issued a timeline for the program, saying that key staff members of the Environmental Protection Agency and California’s Air Resource Board will be rounded up for reprogramming starting December 15th.

“It took us a little while to figure out the best methods of persuasion,” Looter told “Finding something that would work on people who had no children, spouses or pets was more difficult then we anticipated. But so far the pilot program has gone well, and none of our test subjects are inclined to find even the least little problem with the TDI engines.”

Looter said that if all goes according to plan, reprogramming will be completed by the end of June.

“Best of all, this fix won’t have the slightest effect on the cars themselves,” Looter said. “And if any of our owners do feel the performance of their Volkswagen is not what it should be, we are happy to have them reprogrammed as well.”

© Autoblopnik

2015 Los Angeles Auto Show

The 2015 Los Angeles Auto Show is, like, so totally in Los Angeles! California correspondent Callie Fornyakor-Espondent reports on some of the car that were, like, totally at the show.

Hyundai Elantra

ab_15la4I saw the new Hyundai Elantra and I was so like, eeew! What is this, the car that you drive from your crappy one-room in the Valley to your $10-an-hour job as a cashier at Ross? Um, like, no! This is so North Hollywood and I am, like, so, like, Beverly Hills adjacent. Which way to the BMW stand?

Alfa-Romeo Giulia Quatrofoglio

Is this, like, Italian? Oh my God, I love Italian!

Porsche Cayman GT4

ab_15la6OMG this is looks like so frickin’ fast! I drove a Porsche once, and I was all like, okay, take this away from me before I totally lose my license. And then I went to Rocco’s, and Becky showed up with some guy in a Jaguar, and she was all thinking she was, like, it, and then she saw me and she was like so super-J!

Fiat 124 Spyder

West Hollywood is over that way, honey.

Mercedes-Benz S-Class Cabriolet

ab_15la5So there’s this guy and he’s standing next to me at the Mercedes booth? And he’s all like, hey, you want to go topless in an S-class? And I was so totally going to smack him, and he’s all, like, no, this is the S-Class Cabriolet, it’s like the first S-Class with a removable roof since the 1970s, and was thinking, dude, I wasn’t even alive in the 1970s, and if you drove one of these, you would have to take me somewhere really expensive, and don’t even think you’re getting past second base, but he was kind of cute, so I said so what do you drive, and he said a Camaro, and I was all like, oops, I have to go meet my boyfriend at the Audi booth, bye! Loser.

Range Rover Evoque

ab_15la1_evoqueOh. My. GOD! Want, want, want! I was second lead in this indie and it’s like so like in development hell, but as soon as it gets the green light, which my agent says will happen any minute now, I am, like, so getting one of these, and when Autoblog drives by and thinks they’re all hot in their Porsche Macan Turbo, I’ll be all like, “Later, bitches!”

There were more cars, but I, like, had this audition? It’s a cattle call, but it’s a numbers game, you know? You have to put yourself out there or you’ll never be out there, that’s what my voice coach tells me. Later! Love you! Text me! Bye!

©, like, Autoblopnik

Volkswagen denies latest EPA allegations; Porsche “surprised”

A fully emissions-complaint Volkswagen, yesterday

A fully emissions-complaint Volkswagen, yesterday

According to a report in Automotive Nudes, Volkswagen has denied the allegations of the EPA’s latest Notice of Violation, which claims that the 3-liter V6 TDI engine found in the Touareg and several Audi models uses the same “cheat” mode as the four-cylinder engines.

“The EPA is absolutely wrong on this,” said Volkswagen spokeswagen Paul Lucion. “The allegation that the V6 TDI engine is not emissions compliant is absolutely false, and is a fabrication of a select group of people who are trying to rewrite history for their own gain. And even if the engines aren’t compliant, we were just following orders from our leader, which I never really agreed with.”

Meanwhile, Porsche said they were “surprised” that the Cayenne TDI, which uses the 3.0 liter TDI engine, was named as non-compliant by the EPA.

“We couldn’t find any problems with the engine in the Cayenne,” Porsche spokescayman Penn Dulum told Autoblopnik. “Actually, we couldn’t even find the engine itself, until someone pointed out to us that it wasn’t in the trunk.”

© Autoblopnik

Budget cuts impact the Bugatti Chiron

An artist's rendering of the Bugatti Chiron Sport, yesterday

An artist’s rendering of the Bugatti Chiron Sport, yesterday

Volkswagen Group AG today announced that the cost of the TDI emissions debacle will result in budget cuts that will affect the Bugatti Chiron, the upcoming replacement for the Veyron supercar. Sources inside the company have revealed the scope of these changes to

o Instead of making its debut at the 2016 Geneva Motor Show, the Chiron will be revealed at Vince Boticelli Volkswagen-Hyundai-Subaru’s Spring Sale-a-Thon Tent Event in Paramus, New Jersey.

o While the sixteen-cylinder engine will remain in top-line Chirons, only nine pistons will be installed.

o The Chiron’s carbon-fiber brakes will be replaced with a front disc/rear drum setup. Ceramic pads and shoes will be offered as a €12,000 option.

o A new entry-level model known as the Chiron Sport will get cloth seats, manual windows and locks, black plastic bumpers and body trim, and 20-inch steel wheels with plastic covers.

o In order to maximize economies of scale, production of the Chiron will be increased from 500 units to 250,000.

o The carbon-fiber bodywork will be replaced by papier-mâché. VAG claims the Chiron will feature the most extensive use of papier-mâché in the bodywork of a supercar built by a non-communist nation.

o Instead of the planned seven-speed dual-clutch transmission, the Chiron will feature a four-speed automatic with a lockup torque converter.

o A low-cost version of the Chiron with a two-liter diesel engine will be sold in select European markets as a Skoda.

o The “Buy a Bugatti, get an island free” sales campaign will be suspended indefinitely.

o The custom-designed Michelin PAX ultra-high-performance tires have been scrapped; in their place, the Chiron will be fitted with Kumho Solus Eco Mileage Maker all-season tires in readily available sizes.

o An extended-wheelbase model of the Chiron will be produced exclusively for the Chinese market.

o Production of the Chiron will be moved to Volkswagen’s Puebla, Mexico plant.

© Autoblopnik

Land Rover insists they are “completely serious” about Evoque Convertible

A bad idea undergoing testing, yesterday

A bad idea undergoing testing, yesterday

A spokesman for British automaker Land Rover today insisted that the company was “completely serious” about producing the Range Rover Evoque Convertible.

“Yes, we’re completely serious about producing this vehicle,” said Sir Nigel Elton Colin Hammersmith Cockfoster-Wingebastard VIII, MBE, MP, OIC, OU812, Fifty-Third Earl of Nosingham-by-the-Dumpster. “And frankly, I can’t understand why the automotive press would think we weren’t.

“Our press office has been inundated with enquiries asking if this is a joke, or that if there was some sort of a late-night alcohol-fueled office party preceding the announcement,” Cockfoster-Wingebastard told an assembled group of journalists at a press conference earlier today. “I have told them, and I will tell you, that nothing of the sort is going on. We really think the world is ready for a convertible crossover utility vehicle, and– please, gentleman, I can’t make myself heard if you’re going to keep laughing so loud.”

Land Rover issued a press release saying the Evoque Convertible would be revealed in November and go on sale some time in the spring of 2016.

“No, we haven’t scheduled the debut for the first of April,” said Cockfoster-Wingebastard in response to a reporter’s question. “Why would we do that? Really, gentleman, I don’t see what is so funny. What? Murano? Never heard of it. What is that, some sort of cheese?”

© Autoblopnik

2015 Fiat 500L review

Test-driving the Fiat 500L, yesterday

Test-driving the Fiat 500L, yesterday

by Jorge “Francis” Bergoglio

People buy cars based on what they think that car says about them, even if they’re wrong. How many people buy BMWs and Mercedes because they think it will help them to indulge in the carnal sin of the flesh? And yet that really doesn’t work very well, as I have learned from  experience. (I wasn’t always in the clergy, you know.)

Nowadays, what I value in a car is austerity and humility. And after touring the austere scenery of America’s east coast in Fiat’s family-sized hatchback, I am pleased to report that there is no more humiliating experience than driving the Fiat 500L.

Though the outside of the 500L appears no larger than that crummy little apartment I live in at the Vatican, it turned out that there was plenty of room for me, my driver, and three of my closest co-workers, although it certainly helps that those three don’t make a habit of appearing in fleshly form. Leg and shoulder space are adequate, and there’s so much headroom that I seriously considered trading in my yarmulke for the ridiculously tall hat John Paul II was so fond of.

The 500L’s big doors make for easy ingress and egress, especially when one is wearing a cassock (and that’s what it’s called, people, so please stop calling it a dress, because it isn’t. Women wear dresses, and women aren’t supposed to be priests, remember?). And the ergonomics are excellent for a holy man such as myself, with all controls falling right to hand: Patris, Filii, Spiritus Sancti, rear defogger.

I have advised my clergy to be thrifty in their choice of transportation, so the 500L’s plummeting resale value is a definite advantage. The 500L loses nearly 80% of its value the moment you drive it off the dealer’s lot, and you can pick up a clean secondhand example with less than 24,000 miles on the clock for about the same price as a used Dan Brown paperback.

Of course, reliability is a concern with any Fiat, especially one built in Serbia at a former Yugo plant. I find that a regimen of daily prayer kept the 500L running just fine, but if you aren’t a Catholic, you might be better off buying a Honda.

Jorge Mario Bergoglio is the head of the Catholic Church, Bishop of Rome, and Sovereign of the Vatican City. A native of Buenos Aires, Jorge has also worked as a chemist and a nightclub bouncer. When he isn’t writing car reviews for or leading the largest Christian order in the world, he enjoys watching soccer, dancing the tango, and riding the bus.

© Autoblopnik

Auto journalists “knew all along” that Volkswagen TDIs were problematic

Volkswagen gets a warning about the dangers of the TDI, yesterday

Volkswagen gets a warning about the dangers of the TDI, yesterday

In the wake of the Volkswagen emissions scandal, several prominent automotive publications are saying that they were well aware of the problems with Volkswagen’s diesel engines, and have been attempting to educate the public about the potential dangers for some time.

“We knew all along that there was a problem with VW’s TDIs,” said Randy Backpeddler, Contributing Editor for “That’s why we have been recommending people buy them: So we could get enough of them on the road to attract attention to the very obvious problem of emissions cheating. I’m proud to say that our strategy has worked.”

Dean Nyer, Editor-in-Chief of Roadgoing Asshole Magazine, says his publication’s attempts to warn readers about Volkswagen’s diesel cars have been largely misunderstood.

“We have often written that only cool people buy diesels and that hybrid buyers are boring,” he told Autoblopnik. “What we meant was that diesel buyers are cool to important environmental issues that ought not to be ignored, while hybrid buyers are boring right into the heart of the matter, which is to reduce air pollution.”

Osmond Reefqueefer of Kelly Boob Book agreed that his publication’s position on Volkswagen diesels was also taken out of context.

“Sure, we said Volkswagen’s TDI cars were great,” he said. “And what we meant was that they pose a great danger to the health and safety of the American public.”

Volkswagen spokespolluter Gil Markes said he expects the media attention will be short lived.

“We were a bit surprised as to how much coverage the story has received, especially considering how many journalists we hosted at the Frankfurt Auto Show,” Markes told Autoblopnik. “But we’re pretty sure the media attention will die down once we announce that the 2017 Passat press preview will take place in Hawaii.”

© Autoblopnik