GM explains slow ATS, CTS sales

An unsold Cadillac CTS, yesterday

An unsold Cadillac CTS, yesterday

After weeks of media silence, General Motors officials are finally commenting on the slow sales of Cadillac’s new ATS and CTS models.

“The media has speculated that the all-new ATS and CTS are not resonating with customers, but that’s not true,” said Nick Twerk, a former spokestwerker for Cadillac who hasn’t worked at Cadillac for years but was contacted as a source because David Caldwell’s name is not nearly as funny. “The truth is that the dealers are so crazy about the new cars, they just don’t want to let them go. They are hoarding the vehicles.”

Automotive Nudes recently reported that Cadillac dealers have a 152 day supply of the ATS, while the CTS stands at a 215 day supply.

“Normally, a 60 day supply is considered healthy,” said Twerk, “but in the case of the ATS and the CTS, the numbers prove just how much the dealers love these cars. The customers are there, the demand is there, but the dealers simply refuse to let go of them.”

Cadillac has taken several steps to alleviate the problem, including idling the Lansing, Michigan plant for three weeks in order to wean dealers off the cars and introducing a new ATS Coupe, a useless vehicle that GM officials are hoping will serve as a reasonable substitute for the volume-selling sedan. They have also given the ELR a ridiculously high price designed to put off consumers.

“We are hoping that the dealers will transfer their affection to these low-production models and release the ATS and CTS sedans to alleviate pent-up customer demand,” Twerk explained, adding, “Now if you have everything you need, I’d like to get back to my career strategy of going wherever Johan de Nysschen is not. Thank Q very much.”

© Autoblopnik

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Bick Skruth drives the Mitsubishi Mirage

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and nasal hair nullification consultant. He contributes to several automotive web sites as well as our own.

Hello, Only People Who Come Even Remotely Close To Being Worth My Time! I hear a lot of complaints about auto writers being out of touch with so-called “real people” and what they actually want out of a car. Apparently, we are supposed to believe that there are people who just want to get from Point A to Point B and look on a car as transportation and nothing more. These supposed “real” “people”, so the legend goes, are capable of getting more than 10,000 miles out of a set of tires and more than 10 minutes out of a set of brakes. As if! I know there are no drivers anywhere in the known multiverse as awesome as I am, but I refuse to believe there are actual human beings who could be so dead on the inside. Pisscrackers.

But that doesn’t keep the throng of alleged “automotive journalists” from writing review after shit-sodden review of lame-ass snoozemobiles, all in the name of consumer advocacy. You and I know this is just a way for them to hide their wholly inadequate driving skills. You could plant any one of these guys behind the wheel of a McLaren P1 and cram the ghost of Ayrton Senna* right up his ass, and I’d still be able to out-drive him in my awesome Accord, even with one awesome hand tied behind my awesome back and my awesome hair in awesome braids like Eric Clapton likes to wear. Oh, wait, you’ve never seen the Clapster with his hair in braids, have you? I guess that’s because you don’t have private jam sessions with him like I do. Asshangers.

* You may have heard rumors that Ayrton Senna’s alleged death at San Marino was staged, and that in fact he died of pure embarrassment after learning that I beat his time at Estoril in my 993, which is the third most awesome car ever created (after the Volkswagen Phaeton and the Honda Accord). I will not deny that rumor, however I firmly deny that I started that rumor during the regional press drive for the 2012 Ford Transit Connect.

So, anyway, I decided to show these useless dinosaurs who still inscribe their insipid prose on dead trees how a real writer reviews a real car for these alleged real people. For my mount, I chose the Mitsubishi Mirage. Not because the press fleet operators have refused to loan me anything with more than 100 horsepower ever since that unfortunate incident involving a Lexus, Tommy Mottola’s personal assistant, a rather large shop window, a pair of cocker spaniels, a guitar, some cheese, Spain, a can of Fix-A-Flat, a neon-colored sport jacket, the sea, half a dozen Wiffle balls, a dog-eared copy of For Whom The Bell Tolls, and a strongly-worded letter to the Vatican. No, I chose the Mirage because it’s the sort of cheap car that these theoretical real people can afford. Dickwashers.

An Mitsubishi Mirage, yesterday

An Mitsubishi Mirage, yesterday

I don’t read other people’s car reviews, but that hasn’t stopped me from reading a bunch of car reviews in which these so-called reporters say the Mirage is depressingly slow and handles like a 17th-century barouche. What would you expect from… well, you know. All I can say is that if you stand on the gas for long enough, and if you have skills as big as Mt. Everest and balls the size of a shipping container like certain True Shit writers whose rock-star hair we all know and love, the Mirage will get around any corner as quick as a Ferrari driven by someone of average (read: no recognizable) skill, even if you have to take out some grass and a couple of hundred-year-old oaks to make that happen. (I never realized those things cost so much to replace. Will the IRS get mad if I expense them and write them off my taxes? Shitwigglers.)

Of course, any lame-ass autojourno can press a car past all reasonable limits of tires, physics, state borders and sanity and say it’s no good, even if they can’t do it anywhere near as well as me. Since I write for True Shit About Cars, the only site with the balls and the hair to tell you the way it is, I decided to do some real-world testing of the cargo area, so I folded down the back seat for a threesome with my hot-ass girlfriend and my other hot-ass girlfriend, something Mike Spinelli has never done. (He prefers to bang my girlfriends one at a time.) Two minutes after their panties hit the trunk floor, it was clear my services were no longer required, but that’s okay, I was finished anyway. I left the two girls to it. Nutflingers.

I’d tell you the Mirage is a good buy for entry-level buyers and an economical if somewhat flawed car, but you can read that claptrap on any lame-ass WordPress back-end website besides mine. Why bother, when none of this really matters? Automotive journalism is dead, and the only reason we have press cars and press fleets is so that a bunch of self-important men with small dicks and shattered dreams can fool themselves into thinking they are authorities on the second biggest purchase made by the average American titfiddler and ignore the fact that the world of automotive “journalism” is crashing down around them like a Malaysia Airlines 777. Everything to which they have devoted their working life is as useless as a screen door with tits. No one gives a shit what we have to say, because the world is filled with useless sniveling twats who think Duck Dynasty is the pinnacle of culture. Everyone — every single man, woman and child on the face of this pathetic fucking planet — is useless and lame. And when I say “everyone,” I mean everyone but you, my readers, the only people with even a shred of intelligence and human decency, not to mention dead-sexy cheekbones. Barkhumpers.

You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.com.

© Autoblopnik

Renovo announces electric supercar

The Renovo Coupe, yesterday

The Renovo Coupe, yesterday

The big news from this year’s Pebble Beach Concorde d’Elephants was the announcement of the Renovo Coupe, an all-electric supercar from Renovo Motors of Silicon Valley.

“Our goal is to build the most exciting cars in the world, and we believe the way to do that is with electric power,” said Christian Heifer, Renovo’s co-founder and CEO.

The $529,000 Renovo Coupe is powered by a pair of axial flux electric motors that produce 500 horsepower and 1,000 lb-ft of torque. With full power available at all speed ranges, the Renovo Coupe can rocket to 60 MPH in 3.4 seconds and on to a top speed of 120 MPH.

Heifer stresses that the Renovo Coupe is more than just a straight-line performer, with Hyperco coil springs, fully-adjustable Öhlins dampers, 6-piston front/4-piston rear disc brakes, and Michelin Pilot Sport tires that the company claims will fulfill the promise of its classic GT-inspired styling.

“The world has never seen an electric car that performs the way ours does,” said Heifer.

Renovo says that with the batteries fully charged, the Coupe has a maximum range of 30 feet.

© Autoblopnik

Plymouth Breeze wins Pebble Beach

The 2014 Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance winner, yesterday

The 2014 Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance winner, yesterday

There was shock, surprise, and much shitting of gaudy golf pants on Sunday when it was announced that the coveted Best of Show award at the Pebble Beach Concours d’Elegance was being awarded to a 1998 Plymouth Breeze.

“We are pleased to bestow the Best of Show award on an unrestored original example of a bygone American make,” said Ree Dikuluspantz, Chief Class Judge Chief Honorary Judgechief of this year’s chief judging class committee. “The Plymouth Breeze was rare enough in its day, and to find a fourth-owner unrestored original in operating condition, and furthermore one that is still being used in the manner for which it was designed, is an honor that few concours judges will get to experience.”

Assistant Chief Judge Class Alvin Uglytrouzerz said he chose the Breeze because it represented something different from normal Pebble Beach fare.

“Frankly, if I have to look at one more Ferrari or Deusenberg or Bugatti while some blowhard in ridiculous pants tell me how the supercharger inlet valve casing bears one of Fangio’s fingerprints and the leather upholstery still has traces of blood from the night F. Scott Fitzgerald did too much coke in the passenger seat, I’m going to throw the hell up,” Uglytrouzerz told Autoblopnik.

The winning car, an Expresso [sic] model still wearing its original factory Deep Amethyst Pearlcoat paint, belongs to Vince “Dookie” Dookerwicz, 23, of Watsonville, California, an employee at one of the Concours d’Elegance’s concession stands.

“I parked my car next to the tent to unload a couple of cases of sesame buns and some Slurpee mix, and when I came back out, the car was surrounded by a bunch of old guys with funny-looking pants and clipboards,” Dookerwicz told Autoblopnik. “I got in trouble with my boss last year for bumming a cigarette off one of the ladies attending the show, so I just shut up and stayed out of the way. Next thing I knew, they were handing me a trophy.”

Dookerwicz said he was genuinely surprised at the win, and was especially pleased when a Pebble Beach representative presented him with a bottle of Dom Perignon, which Dookerwicz was confident would be regarded by his girlfriend as a reasonable substitute for foreplay.

“If had known the car was going to win Pebble, I would have taken out the baby seat and maybe tried to clean the vomit out of the floor mats,” Dookerwicz told Autoblopnik. “And I also would have worn sillier pants.”

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Mark Retchin’s pants

De Nysschen announces first major change at Cadillac

The Cadillac soon to be known as the Cadillac formerly known as the ATS, yesterday

The Cadillac soon to be known as the Cadillac formerly known as the ATS, yesterday

Johan DeNysschen, recently hired to head up the beleaguered Cadillac brand, has announced his first major strategy, which is to change all of Cadillac’s model names to interpretive dance.

De Nysschen recently left his position as Infiniti’s former president of Audi, where he was best known for changing the name of every vehicle to Q, a move that inadvertently set off a copyright dispute in China.

“This is the next step in branding evolution,” said De Nysschen. “Market research shows that American buyers do not want to drive a Cadillac XTS. However, we believe they will be much more interested in driving a Cadillac” — he then stopped, raised his arms over his head, bowed his body low and then straightened suddenly, looked to the sky and tiptoed around in a circle.

De Nysschen says the new naming convention will concentrate on the slower-selling models, starting in 2015 with the Cadillacs soon to be known as the Cadillac formerly known as the XTS and the Cadillac formerly known as the ATS. The latter will now be identified by spreading the arms wide, jumping up and down three times, bending the knees deeply with each landing while making a kissy motion with the lips, and then bringing the arms together above the head while turning the toes outward.

“We’re still working on the strategy,” he said. “For example, we are doing market research to determine if the CTS’ new name should have the hands splayed out on the stomach before or after the deep-knee bends. We’re going into uncharted territory, so we really want to make sure we do this the right way.”

De Nysschen said that “V-Sport” versions of all models will be indicated by holding the arms up in a giant V while running rapidly from one end of the room to the other, a dance move he says symbolozes the V-series’ eleven-year heritage.

“This is just the beginning of big changes at Cadillac,” De Nysschen added. “I think when the motoring press sees the upcoming” — De Nysschen then pretended he was looking at something on the floor to the right, then to the left, then pointed his chin straight up as he jumped onto his desk, sat down, crossed and uncrossed his legs three times, and then clapped his hands twice before returning to his chair — “they’re really going to like it.”

© Autoblopnik — Hat tip to someone whose name we can’t mention because he’d probably get fired, but you know who you are and you know where to send the check if you don’t want us to “accidentally” reveal your identity

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Ford switches from BlackBerry to iPhone

One of Ford's new iPhones, yesterday

One of Ford’s new iPhones, yesterday

Ford Motor Company livened up an otherwise slow news day by announcing that they would switch from BlackBerry to Apple as their corporate mobile phone provider.

“We think this is an important move for a company that embraces modern technology,” said Ford spokesphoner Sid Deet, pausing his Depeche Mode CD and demonstrating how the iPhone fits easily into the pockets of his acid-wash jeans. “We really think the iPhone reflects the forward-looking attitude here at Ford, along with other mobile devices like this Nintendo Game Boy.”

Ford’s Vice President of Information Systems Chris Chinwarrior said the Apple iPhone would fit seamlessly into the company’s existing data infrastructure.

“Now that we’ve upgraded our back end from token ring to ten megabit Ethernet, we should have plenty of bandwidth to support the phones,” Chinwarrior told Autoblopnik. “We think they will work flawlessly with our Windows NT servers.”

Deet said the iPhones were part of a much larger modernization program at Ford, which would include upgrading factory equipment from steam-driven belt drives to electricity and installing air conditioning in up to 25% of Ford’s corporate facilities.

“If all goes well, we may even consider promoting women and minorities into high-level executive positions,” Deet said. “Although we don’t want to bite off more than we can chew.”

© Autoblopnik