God reveals what He drives

The Infinite One, yesterday

The Almighty, yesterday

After speculation dating back to the dawn of the automotive age, God has finally decided to tell the world what kind of car He drives.

“I’ve heard all the jokes,” The Infinite One told Autoblopnik.com in an exclusive interview. “You know. ‘God drives a Plymouth, because the Bible says He drove them out in his Fury.’ ‘No, God drives a Honda, because He was in full Accord.’ Please. Like I’d drive one of those little Japanese deathtraps.

“Honestly, I don’t understand why people are so concerned by what’s in My driveway,” The Almighty continued. “I say ‘I am the Alpha and the Omega,’ and all of a sudden people assume I drive an Oldsmobile or one of those stupid little convertibles from The Graduate. Jesus, people, if I’d known you were going to obsess over this, I would have created you with less curiosity.”

The Most Holy, Blessed Be He, told Autoblopnik that He has owned a succession of vehicles, saying, “I’m not a one-car sort of diety.”

“Of all the cars I’ve owned, I think I liked My ’85 Jaguar XJ12 the best,” said The Holy One. “But I sold it because even I couldn’t keep the damn thing running. I thought about replacing it with a BMW 760i, but I already think I’m Me.”

The Lord said the most exciting car He ever owned was a 2009 Corvette ZR-1.

“I had to get rid of it because I kept getting speeding tickets,” He explained. “You ever try telling a cop you’re God? Believe me, it does not go over well at all. After a while, I got tired of having to miracle Myself out of those situations, and figured I’d be better off with something a little more low-key.”

Nowadays, the Shield of Abraham says He drives a 1998 Chrysler Sebring convertible.

“I know it’s not very flashy, but it gets good gas mileage and allows Me some degree of anonymity,” the Rock and the Redeemer explained. “Besides, ‘Chrysler’ sounds a bit like ‘Christ’, and that cracks Me up.

“Truth be told, I’ve always wanted a Volkswagen Beetle Convertible,” Yaweh continued, “but in light of Leviticus 20:13, driving one makes Me feel like a bit of a hyprocrite.”

© Autoblopnik

Ford announces Shelby GT350 horsepower

A Shelby Mustang, yesterday

A Shelby Mustang, yesterday

After months of saying only that the upcoming 2016 Shelby GT350’s 5.2 liter flat-plane-crank engine would produce “over 500 horsepower,” Ford today announced the supercar’s official power output.

“Officially, the 2016 Ford Shelby GT350 will produce over 500 horsepower,” said Ford’s Vice Officer of Ridiculously Powerful Cars, Sheldon Branson “Shel B.” Geeteetreefiddy.

“Because really there’s no point,” Geeteetreefiddy said when asked the obvious question. “A few geekholes are going to actually dyno-test the thing, and they’re all going to come up with slightly different numbers anyway because the outside temperature is to low and the humidity is too high and a squirrel farted on the rollers and they don’t know how to run a dyno and it’s the third Thursday of the fourth month with an R in the name. As for the rest of the buyers, most wouldn’t be able to tell a 400 horsepower car from a 500 horsepower car or a 600 horsepower car or even a seven trillion horsepower car. All they know is that it’s really, really friggin’ fast. So why bother with a number?”

Geeteetreefiddy said that by not certifying a horsepower figure, Ford was able to cut nearly $600 from the Shelby GT350’s development cost.

“That alone will pay for the upcoming Explorer redesign,” he added.

Asked if perhaps Ford did not know the exact power output for the new uber-Mustang, Geeteetreefiddy responded, “What? That’s ridiculous! Of course we – how could you say such a thing? We – yes, we know it, of course we do, I can’t believe you would imply that, um, it’s just that these things are highly technical, you know. Hey, ever see a carbon-fiber hood before it’s been painted?”

Meanwhile, other Ford divisions are considering adapting a similar strategy for model lines. Starting in 2017, for example, Ford plans to say that all of its EcoBoost models are EPA-rated at “over five miles per gallon”.

© Autoblopnik

2016 Nissan Maxima road test

2016 Nissan Maxima, yesterday

2016 Nissan Maxime, yesterday

by Allen Bingefarter, Road Test Editor

The new Nissan Maximum is a large mid-sport sedan sized by Nissan, and is notable for its roomy exterior styling and fighter-jet-inspired price. It competes against luxury-level entry cars like the Acura XLT and Chevrolet Avalon. Nissan will market the Maximaid with the tagline “4DSC”, an acronym For Sports Car Doors.

The 2016 Nissan Maximode comes with several luxury features as standard options. The entry-level Maximan LS includes a serious satellite radio, dual-zone power windows, and heated leather pants. Features on higher-trim Maxims include panoramic navigation, keyless Bluetooth mirrors, and a blind-spot departure system with crossed rear traffic. Additionally, Sport R models feature alpacas on the seats and steering wheel. Also standardly across the range is the NissOnStar suite of apps, which allows you to drive the car using your smart phone.

The Nisan Maximall is powered by a six-cylinder, 3.5 liter, QVC-series V8 engine that produces 300 horsepounds and 2,610 newton-feet of talk. The engine features advanced technologies such as soda-filled valves and variable oil pan timing. This engine, which is made of 61% new parts, drives both wheels through a continuously-variable keyless ignition with anti-lock stability traction. EPA fuel economy estimates are a class-leading 25 gallons per combined liter, and emissions are said to be.

We had a chance to drive the new Nissan Maximud on the back roads outside of Nashville, Minnesota, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in one sentence, we would say they are embargoed until next June.

The 2016 Nissun Maxipad has a startling price of $3,24.10 plus an $825 installation fee. It goes on sale at Nissan dealers that are coming to a fall.

Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Nissan event to which select members of the press were invited, and to which he failed to bring his glasses.

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Messers. Knockers and Snatch

 

Bick Skruth on the Belle Isle Camaro Crash

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and master jock strap rebuilder. He is the Editor-at-Awesome for True Shit About Cars and contributes to several other web sites, including our own.

Hello, only people the automakers would give a candy-striped shit about if they had any clue what they were doing but they don’t! Today’s post comes from the True Shit About Cars Department of I Told You So, with the news that yet another inferior so-called journalist has driven yet another inferior so-called car straight into yet another inferior so-called concrete wall. The incident occurred over the weekend, when General Motors, whose imminent and inevitable demise we used to cover on these very pages until all of our readers got bored and went away, decided to reveal the new Camaro not in front of a qualified group of real hard-nosed awesome-haired serious journalists, race drivers and 2600 subscribers like yours truly, but instead in front of a crowd of sycophantic knuckle-dragging beer-swilling spouse-abusing Camaro owners and a select few ass-licking hacks who could be counted on to nod like bobbleheads and tweet like #twelveyearolds as payment for their limited-edition numbered press kits and unlimited sushi, all of whom were predictably impressed on command as GM rolled out what was basically a fifth-generation Camaro with the edges sanded off. Assmankers.

An uncrashed 2016 Camaro prorotype, yesterday

An uncrashed 2016 Camaro prorotype, yesterday

Naturally, T-SAC was not invited to the 2016 Camaro reveal, which should come as no surprise: The event involved driving so-called “engineering prototypes” on a so-called “Grand Prix track” in a so-called “lead-and-follow” format. GM would never dare invite someone like me, who could lead so fast in his totally awesome Accord that no Camaro, no matter how talented the so-called “racing driver” behind the wheel, could possibly keep up. Yes, I’ve driven at Belle Isle. As for the rumor that Helio Castroneves once burst into tears when he saw the lap time I set in my absofucking brilliant Honda Accord, and that the City of Detroit threatened me with disembowelment should I ever speak about it for fear that I would scare every legitimate racing driver away from the Belle Isle Grand Prix, well, I just can’t comment on that, can I? But I’m sure that had something to do with GM snubbing us, though it might also be somewhat tangentially related to the time my totally-awesome driving caused my totally-hot totally-ex-girlfriend to totally make a little poo in the passenger seat of a Saturn Astra press car, a minor offense about which neither Ford, Honda, Tesla, Toyota, Chrysler, Bentley, Audi nor Lotus made a big deal when it happened in their vehicles. (Full disclosure: Mazda never even noticed. Monkeywankers.)

At the driving event, Chevrolet let a bunch of moderately-talented autojournos, their bellies full of the finest shrimp the Detroit River had to offer, take laps in lightly-camoflaged Camaros, and naturally, the inevitable happened: Someone stuffed it. Knowing that T-SAC would inevitably expose this so-called writer, who for the same of anonymity we shall refer to as George Patrick, the unfortunate half-talent decided to write “The Truth” about his crash. Let’s just analyze this so-called account, shall we?

“But as I came up on one corner, I made a mistake, took a line that was all wrong and braked far later than I should have, inducing terminal understeer.”

Anyone who knows jack shit about cars and driving can see right through this cellophane-thin veneer of complete and total bullpoopy. How do we, the Annointed People, know Mr. Patrick is full of excrement? Listen, losers, if you have to ask that question, then you sure as aytch-eee-double-hockey-stick don’t deserve an answer. All I can say is that the people who read T-SAC, the beautiful awesome-haired rock-star people who actually know what the hell they are talking about, don’t need an explanation. They know what really happened just as well as I do. We’ll leave the drooling masses who read Jaloptoblog to wonder why. Lynxfellators.

Of course, we know what would have happened if General Motors had been smart enough to invite me to this so-called event: I’ve have flown right past the lead Z28 and put some real heat in that Camaro’s tires, setting a new lap record and still having time to bang every attendee’s wife before the rest of the drivers made it to the finish line. (That’s right, mortals: I’m as quick between the sheets as I am behind the wheel.) And my in-car video sure as frick wouldn’t just parrot the “lighter and more nimble” line fed to the hacks by GM’s PR flacks. I’d have given you an honest assessment of what that over-blown drag-racer was all about, whether GM liked it or not. I’d have said the True Shit about that car (and George, baby, I’m sure I would have been asked to join you out there on the sidewalk). But of course, GM doesn’t want that sort of Truth out there. They have cars to sell, and they need the so called “automotive press” to help them sell them. Batlickers.

Not that any of this matters, because automotive journalism is dead. What passes for reporting these days is nothing more than a bunch of mindless, soulless, dickless, useless fishdinglers willing to be led by the nose to the next first-class dog-and-pony show so they can gobble shrimp like trained clubbed seals while the poor blue-collar slobs who actually buy cars (and never the cars these useless platitards waste their time writing about) pick up the tab in the form of another thirty bucks per month tacked on to a car payment that they can only afford by working three jobs and having their wife strip on the weekends while they stay home with the kids. The whole world is a hopeless cesspool of disappointment, despair and sexual denial, filled with whining carbon-based shit machines desperately hoping for one little shred of entertainment before their souls are sucked into the massive void of nothingness that lies ahead once we stop wasting our worthless time and surrender to the eternal darkness that awaits us all. You all fucking suck. Every last fucking one of you. Except, of course, for my readers, who are the most amazing and funniest and brightest and prettiest and most aesthetically fulfilled people on this otherwise sad, pathetic, pointless planet.

Crapfilchers.

You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.ru.

© Autoblopnik

Ford announces new GT sales program

A 2016 Ford GT, yesterday

A 2016 Ford GT, yesterday

Ford announced an innovative new sales program for the upcoming 2016 Ford GT. Instead of delivering the actual car, Ford will wait ten years and then give buyers a massive pile of money.

“Most of the people who buy the Ford GT are simply going to park it in a garage and wait for it to appreciate, then sell it for five times what they paid,” said Ford spokesappreciator Sid Deet. “So why go to the trouble of actually building a car? This new program will save everyone a lot of time and trouble.”

The program has several strict requirements. Buyers must put down an initial deposit comprising the price of the car and a $100,000 mark-up. They must block off a car-sized portion of their garage to remain unoccupied for the next decade, and at car shows and cruise-ins, they will be required to wear a T-shirt that says “I’M THE SORT OF MASSIVE TWAT WHO PAYS MORE MONEY THAN MOST PEOPLE MAKE IN A DECADE TO BUY AN AWESOME SUPERCAR AND THEN CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO DRIVE THE DAMN THING.”

Ford has announced a parallel program for drivers under 25. After paying the cost of the car plus $5,000 to cover a single day’s insurance premium, buyers will be allowed to drive the car once, at ludicrous speeds on public roads in front of a crowd of people with camera phones, after which a Ford engineer will crash the car into a building and total it.

“This program gives them the typical young person’s supercar buying experience, without the risk of personal injury,” Deet explained, adding that in order to be eligible, the prospective buyer must prove that the costs are being covered by their parents.

© Autoblopnik

Denise McCluggage: 1927 – 2015

deniseNo funny today as we mourn the passing of one of the giants of our industry: Racer, journalist, skier, former To Tell The Truth panelist, and absolute master of driving 130 MPH down the freeway, getting pulled over, and talking her way out of a ticket. (She must have had the Jedi Mind Trick down pat.)

We’re not sure if Denise knew Autoblopnik, but Autoblopnik sure as hell knew Denise, and we are much the better for it.

Comments open, for once (scroll down a bit).

© Autoblopnik

BMW concerned about “douchebag drift”

Douchebag drift, yesterday

Douchebag drift, yesterday

In an exclusive interview with Autoblopnik, BMW revealed their concern about a shift of their core audience away from the brand, which they call “douchebag drift”.

“Ten years ago, we had the douchebag market locked up,” said BMW spokesperson Dew Shbag. “Douchebags and BMWs went together like pedophiles and Chevy vans. But today’s market conditions are changing the buying patterns of the typical douchebag, and we have to find new ways to attract them.”

Shbag says a surprisingly large percentage of douchbags have migrated to the heavy-duty diesel pickup market.

“This is a tricky one for us, because these aren’t your traditional douchebags,” he explained. “A typical BMW-driving douchebag will drive right up your ass and then cut you off close enough to peel the paint from your front bumper. But the douchebags buying trucks are content to drive in the fast lane at exactly the posted limit or the speed of the car next to them, whichever is slower. These are people drive a giant vehicle that provides less interior space than a Toyota Yaris, and if you ask them why, they’ll say ‘Because fuck you, you fucking Obama-loving communist fucking foreigner socialist, that’s fucking why.’ This is a less-sophisticated, more laid-back sort of douchebag.”

Shbag says that traditional marketing methods may not work to bring these douchebags back to the BMW brand.

“We’d love to get more of these douchebags interested in BMWs, but it’s hard to write engaging advertisements at a third grade reading level,” he explained.

BMW’s marketing position is under attack in other countries as well as America, though Shbag says this isn’t much of a concern for BMW North America.

“In Europe, we’ve seen douchebags moving to other German brands, most commonly Audi,” Shbag said, “and we consider the introduction of the CLA 45 AMG a clear move on Mercedes’ part to get a better foothold in the douchebag market. But we’re mostly concerned with the US and Canada, where Mercedes sells to social-climbing phonies and Audi appeals to former Volkswagen owners with delusions of financial solvency, so we’re not too worried about our German competitors.”

According to Shbag, BMW is looking at expanding into market segments in which douchebags are not a significant part of the buyer base.

“One strategy is to extend our reach by making products that don’t appeal to our core douchebag buyers,” he said. “For example, we recently introduced our first two electric vehicles, the i3 and the i8. Electrics tend to appeal to pretentious twats rather than douchebags, which is a new market for us.”

Shbag says that no matter what happens, BMW will continue to cater to its core market.

“Yes, we’re exploring new roads, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to abandon our loyal buyers, which is why we offer products like the ten-MPG X6M and the 428i with badge-delete option,” he explained. “Rest assured that now and in the future, if you see a BMW, you can be pretty sure there’s a douchebag behind the wheel.”

© Autoblopnik