PR flack leaves industry, speaks her mind

Bev Bragalicious and a journalist, yesterday

Bev Bragalicious with a journalist, yesterday

PR spokesbabe Bev Bragalicious recently announced that she will be leaving her position with Mazda a major Japanese automaker, and has decided to tell journalists exactly what she thinks of them and the industry.

“Now that I need no longer worry about the consequences of speaking freely, I can finally say what’s on my mind,” Bragalicious told Autoblopnik.com in an exclusive interview. “And I just want to say that you’re all a bunch of really great people and I’m going to miss you terribly.”

“Bragalicious was one of the finest bloody cat-herders we ever employed, wot,” said Mazda some Japanese car company spokesbrit Sir Jeremy Barns-Wilkington Pembroke XVII, Fourth Earl of Irvine-on-Dumpster. “When we were trying to convince people that the Mazdaspeed3’s torque steer was a good thing, Bev went out and actually bought one of the sodding things. She could have had a GTI, and yet she blew twenty-five grand on that crap-can in the name of PR. Now that’s impressive. Or stupid. Take your pick, guv.”

We asked Bragalicious if it was hard to keep her feelings to herself during her tenure as a bullshit artist public relations spokeswoman.

“Of course it was difficult,” she said. “There I was telling the journalists they were a bunch of freeloading worthless whiners who did nothing but waste my time, when the truth was I just wanted to tell them what a wonderful group of people they were and how much I loved them. It’s emotionally exhausting to glare at people and pretend you’re going to punch them in the throat when what you really want to do is give them a great big hug.

“Although I spent my entire career pretending I hated everyone and everything,” she continued, “the truth is that there isn’t a single journalist I wouldn’t invite over to my house for a beer and a hand job. Well, except for Don Bufamante.”

Autoblopnik.com wishes The Braga the best of luck in her future endeavors. You will be missed. And you’ll probably be back to kick our asses.

 

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GM announces ebola-related recall

An outbreak of General Motors vehicles, yesterday

An outbreak of General Motors vehicles, yesterday

General Motors Corporation announced today that it would recall a large number of cars and trucks which may be related to the current spread of the ebola virus.

“We have reason to believe that several of the latest ebola victims either owned, drove, rode in, or saw a General Motors vehicle,” said GM representative Eric Beauregard “E-Bo” LaVirus. “In the interest of safety, we think it’s best to assume that the outbreak of this dreadful disease is somehow related to our products.”

Though LaVirus said there was no clinical evidence tying the outbreak to GM’s cars and trucks, he said there was plenty of opportunity for the vehicles to be involved in the spread of the disease.

“Perhaps someone on the air conditioning assembly line had ebola and drooled into the pollen filters,” he told Autiblopnik.com, “or maybe ebola was inadvertently engineered into the cars as some sort of a cost-saving measure. You never really know, but here at General Motors, we’ve learned to assume the worst.”

Asked how many vehicles GM would recall in relation to the ebola scare, LaVirus said the number had yet to be determined, but that “it will probably be a figure in the neighborhood of all of them.”

“Of course, we have no firm proof that these vehicles were the source of the current ebola outbreak,” LaVirus added. “But if there’s one thing the past couple of years has taught us, it’s that if something goes horribly wrong in the world, it’s probably GM’s fault.”

© Autoblopnik.com

Company creates videos for complete idiots

A story pitch received by Autoblonik yesterday, yesterday

A story pitch received by Autoblonik yesterday, yesterday

A company that has something to do with British license plates has created a pair of instructional videos for their customers, who they apparently think are complete fucking idiots.

News of the videos came in the form of an e-mail story pitch which, for reasons that the sender will no doubt have a difficult time explaning in her upcoming disciplinary review, was sent to Autoblopnik.com.

“Our new videos present a comprehensive guide to removing your old number plate and putting on a new one,” said a company spokesperson, speaking slowly and using lots of illustrations and hand gestures.

“This is a highly intense task that involves complex tools such as a screwdriver,” she continued. “Our videos provide useful safety tips, such advising the viewer to place the tip of the screwdriver against the slot in the screw instead of ramming it into their ear. We also remind the viewer that the number plate should be attached to the car rather than placed atop a church spire in South Harrow.”

The videos, which can be seen here and here, were produced to promote whatever it is the site is selling, which wasn’t clearly spelled out in the story pitch received by Autoblopnik.com. The solicitation did, however, contain a generous offer to write the story for us should we find ourselves too lazy to do it on our own.

“We plan a whole series of instructional videos for the less-than-bright,” explained the spokeswoman. “Our next video will be aimed at junior-level public relations workers, advising them to take a few minutes to read through a web site before sending them a PR pitch, and that using the recipient’s first name will not fool a savvy journalist into thinking this is anything but a cut-and-paste job, especially when the email contains grammatical errors including glaring subject-verb disagreements and no fewer than three different font sizes.

“Our goal is to help them avoid doing anything monumentally stupid that could injure themselves or their career,” she continued, “such as accidentally zip-tying their fingers to their own car or pitching a tantalizingly ridiculous story to a parody web site in a different country.”

© Autoblopnik.com

First reviews of the 2015 Ford F-150

A 2015 Ford Aluminum, yesterday

A 2015 Ford Aluminum, yesterday

The Interwebs were abuzz this week with first reviews of the new 2015 Ford F-150, every single one of which reported that the new aluminum-bodied pickup truck is made of aluminum.

“The new F-150 has several important new features, including an aluminum body, aluminum cab, aluminum bed, a 360 degree parking camera, aluminum doors, aluminum hood, some sort of fancy new engine, an aluminum roof and aluminum fenders,” read a review from Car & Aluminum. “But what most impressed us is the aluminum body, an all-aluminum wonder made entirely of aluminum.”

Ford representatives confirmed that the aluminum-bodied F-150, which makes extensive use of aluminum in its construction, is indeed made out of aluminum.

“Aluminum aluminum aluminum, aluminum aluminum,” said Ford spokesaluminum Al Luminum, speaking on condition of aluminum.

Ford brought every single engineer employed by the company to the press launch, most of whom spoke about the aluminum truck’s aluminum body, which they confirmed is made out of aluminum. While most were pleased to aluminum about the aluminum truck’s aluminum construction, a few expressed frustration.

“We spent a lot of time making all this neat shit for the bed,” said engineer Ben Gineer, who asked not to be named. “Concealed LED lights, a universal cargo-locking system, integrated ramps, built-in steps, and a lot of other cool stuff. And yet all anyone wants to talk about is that the body is made of fucking aluminum.”

Some publications featured more in-depth explanations of the aluminum F-150’s aluminum construction.

“The aluminum F-150 makes extensive use of extrude-honed aluminum,” reported Johnny Liebinum in Moluminum Trend. “Extrude honing is used to extrude-hone many of the extude-honed aluminum body parts, which are then mated to other pieces of extrude-honed aluminum, which are also extrude-honed out of aluminum. We’re not sure what extrude-honed means, but sure is fun to say. Plus the Ford people told us that we wouldn’t be invited to the new Cobra launch if we reported that the F-150 is held together with rivets and glue.”

Ford spokeschief Sid Deet said he was pleased with the early publicity on the truck.

“We really wanted to drive home the revolutionary aspects of the 2015 Ford F-150’s aluminum construction, and we think we’ve accomplished that,” he said.

Unfortunately, no one reported that aside from the aluminum body, the all-new 2015 Ford F-150 is rather uninteresting.

© Autoblopnik

Toyota, Hyundai admit to design mix-up

A 2015 Toyundai Camronata, yesterday

A 2015 Hyunota Sonamry, yesterday

Toyota Motor Salad Sales and Hyundai Motoring America today issued a joint statement admitting to a mix-up between the designs of their respective mid-size sedans.

“It appears that the designers of the new 2015 Sonata and Camry were in the same place at the same time, and accidentally grabbed each other’s laptop bags,” said Toyundai Joint Spokesperson Moe Trainer. “That’s why the new Sonata’s styling is inexplicably boring, and the new Camry’s styling is inexplicably interesting.”

Trainer would not go on the record as to when the mix-up might have occurred. Off the record, he told Autoblopnik, “It probably happened at last year’s Los Angeles Auto Show press days, when they were on their hands and knees photographing the interior trim screw heads on the new Optima.”

As to whether the styling mix-up will affect sales, Trainer says that Hyundai is more concerned than Toyota.

“Hyundai buyers will definitely notice that the car is far less interesting,” he said. “As for Camry buyers, hell,you could paint the car with buffalo dung and use a 16-inch dildo as a hood ornament, and as long as Consumer Reports said it was reliable, they’d still buy the damn thing.”

Trainer later denied rumors that his own Camry is painted with buffalo dung and has a 16-inch dildo as a hood ornament.

Asked if the incident affected any other aspects of the car, Trainer said “Absolutely not, though you can see why people would think that. Depowering a barely-adequate engine may sound like something Toyota would do, and coming up with oxymorons like ‘Sport Hybrid’ may sound like something Hyundai would do, but the fact is that aside from the design screw-up, all the other bone-headed decisions can be attributed to the cars’ respective manufacturers.”

© Autoblopnik

GM explains slow ATS, CTS sales

An unsold Cadillac CTS, yesterday

An unsold Cadillac CTS, yesterday

After weeks of media silence, General Motors officials are finally commenting on the slow sales of Cadillac’s new ATS and CTS models.

“The media has speculated that the all-new ATS and CTS are not resonating with customers, but that’s not true,” said Nick Twerk, a former spokestwerker for Cadillac who hasn’t worked at Cadillac for years but was contacted as a source because David Caldwell’s name is not nearly as funny. “The truth is that the dealers are so crazy about the new cars, they just don’t want to let them go. They are hoarding the vehicles.”

Automotive Nudes recently reported that Cadillac dealers have a 152 day supply of the ATS, while the CTS stands at a 215 day supply.

“Normally, a 60 day supply is considered healthy,” said Twerk, “but in the case of the ATS and the CTS, the numbers prove just how much the dealers love these cars. The customers are there, the demand is there, but the dealers simply refuse to let go of them.”

Cadillac has taken several steps to alleviate the problem, including idling the Lansing, Michigan plant for three weeks in order to wean dealers off the cars and introducing a new ATS Coupe, a useless vehicle that GM officials are hoping will serve as a reasonable substitute for the volume-selling sedan. They have also given the ELR a ridiculously high price designed to put off consumers.

“We are hoping that the dealers will transfer their affection to these low-production models and release the ATS and CTS sedans to alleviate pent-up customer demand,” Twerk explained, adding, “Now if you have everything you need, I’d like to get back to my career strategy of going wherever Johan de Nysschen is not. Thank Q very much.”

© Autoblopnik