Cadillac spokesperson Cee Marron, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the new vehicle would be an affordably-priced compact sedan based on a front-wheel-drive architecture already in use by the company’s other divisions. The new small Cadillac will launch with a 1.8 liter four-cylinder engine, with a 2-liter engine and a small V6 (possibly a 60-degree 2.8 liter unit) to join the line up later in the production run.
“This new Cadillac precisely mimics the format being used on new models from Mercedes, Audi, and Acura,” Marron
said didn’t say. “We think it will attract buyers away from German and Japanese imports while introducing existing GM buyers to a new, more efficient type of Cadillac.”
told didn’t tell Autoblopnik that Cadillac was considering breaking away from the three-letter nomenclature used on current models. A name has not been finalized, but it would probably be “a cross between a type of spice and a word that means a really stupid person.”
Cadillac today announced that they have halted development of a B-segment compact hatchback due to a lack of available letters at the beginning of the alphabet.
“We’ve been naming our cars by size,” explained Cadillac spokesspeaker Delvin Approximately, speaking on the condition that we loan him bus fare. “You know, the CTS is smaller than the DTS, the ATS is smaller than the CTS, et cetera. We left plenty of room between the CTS and the XTS, but right after we launched the ATS, we realized there’s no letter before ‘A’. We’ve really painted ourselves into a corner here.”
Cadillac division head Dean Bootler callled the oversight “a boneheaded move,” adding, “When I find the person responsible, I’m going to put my foot up his ass and walk around the Renaissance Center with him. We’re off the record, right?”
Approximately would not give details about the car, but sources inside GM described it as a rear-drive hatchback with a two-liter turbocharged engine and all-wheel-drive. The car was being readied for a reveal during this fall’s auto show season, with production beginning late in 2013.
“We thought about calling the car ‘Minus-ATS’ or ‘One-TS’, but those names are just plain stupid,” said Approximately. “You can’t sell a car without a name, so we just decided to scrap the whole project. Shame, really. I drove one of the prototypes, and it was fackin’ nails.”
This isn’t the first time General Motors has had alphabetically-related problems. In recent years, the company has named their car platforms “Epsilon,” “Epsilon II” and “Super Epsilon,” apparently not realizing that there are several other letters in the Greek alphabet from which they can choose.
Photo © Carscoop — hat tip to Kevin M — everything else © Autoblopnik
Leather so serene,
Chromy glitz, but underneath
It’s just a LaCrosse.
- Model/price as tested: 2013 Cadillac XTS Platinum, $59.080
- Powertrain: 3.6 liter V6, 304 hp, front-wheel-drive
- Fuel economy: 17 MPG city/18 MPG highway
Autoblopnik attended a press preview, to which we were not invited, in order to facilitate this review.
© 2012 Autoblopnik