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2014 New York Auto Show highlights

A car being revealed at the New York Interfaith Auto Show, yesterday

A car being revealed at the New York Interfaith Auto Show, yesterday

The New York International Auto Show is best known by its initials, NYIAS, which is the Iroquois word for “Move your fucking truck, asshole!” Here are some of the highlights from the show.

Mazda celebrated the 25th anniversary of the MX-5 with a display of historic Miatas, including two of the original cars revealed at the 1989 Chicago Auto Show. The exhibit was closed after one day when Mazda realized it reminded people how much smaller, lighter and better the Miata used to be.

Chevrolet revealed the 2015 Trax, a small SUV described as “a Buick Encore for people under the age of 80″.

One of the few concept vehicles revealed at the show, the Land Rover Discovery Vision features a “Smart Glass” system which projects graphics into the windshield. The system can be used off-road to show the terrain immediately ahead, and on-road to show a world where the Discovery isn’t fucking up the environment and sucking down our dwindling oil reserves.

Nissan introduced an all-new Murano, explaining that the front-end styling was inspired by the Sport Sedan Concept revealed earlier this year in Detroit, while the rear-end styling was inspired by one of the designers having a seizure while working on the clay model.

The 2015 Dodge Charger, yesterday

The 2015 Dodge Charger, yesterday

Chrysler revealed the restyled 2015 Dodge Charger, which trades the old car’s aggressive styling for a kinder, gentler front end modeled after the Dart. Chrysler did not reveal how much weight they saved by cutting off the Charger’s testicles.

Ford announced a 50th Anniversary Edition of the new 2015 Ford Mustang which will reach dealerships just in time for the Mustang’s 51st anniversary.

Volkswagen unveiled the facelifted 2015 Jetta. VW officials say they were able to cut 18 months from the development schedule and reduce costs by nearly half by making the new car identical the old one.

Bentley announced that it will return to the American motorsports scene in conjunction with Dyson Racing, a Poughkeepsie, NY-based racing team unrelated to the UK vacuum cleaner manufacturer. Autoblopnik regrets this, as we were really looking forward to writing a joke about a pairing between British things that suck.

Jeep announced that this happened, sort of.

Mitsubishi staged a press event that included a pyrotechnics display, a performance by the Swedish Nude Ballet, the announcement of a new Pope, and a ritual human sacrifice. It received no press coverage whatsoever.

Volvo revealed a picture of the dashboard of a car that won’t go on sale for another two  years, and it still received more coverage than Mitsubishi’s press event.

We're not quite sure, yesterday

We’re not quite sure, yesterday

Hyundai unveiled the 2015 Sonata mid-size sedan with more sedate styling and engines with reduced horsepower and torque. New CEO Dave Zucchini said Hyundai is attempting to emulate the success model of Toyota by making product decisions that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Fiat showed the Alfa-Romeo 4C, a lightweight mid-engine sports car, and announced firm plans to bring it to the US market. Since the announcement, sperm banks across the New York metropolitan area have been reporting an alarming decrease in donations.

Finally, Honda announced that their upcoming subcompact crossover utility vehicle will be called the HR-V. Other Hondas that make sexually suggestive comments or otherwise act inappropriately will be sent to it for disciplinary action.

© Autoblopnik

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Chevrolet to announce diesel Malibu wagon in New York

A poorly-paid artist's rendering of the 2015 Malibu Diesel Wagon, yesterday

A poorly-paid artist’s rendering of the 2015 Malibu Diesel Wagon, yesterday

General Motors today announced that Chevrolet will announce a new diesel-powered Malibu wagon at next week’s New York Autonouncement Show.

“This is an effort to improve critical opinion of the Chevrolet Malibu among automotive influencers,” announced Chevrolet spokesannouncer Randy Dog. “The 2013 Malibu was poorly received by the press, and the updates we made for 2014 haven’t helped. So we’re going for broke. We’ve yet to meet an auto writer or blog commenter who doesn’t love a diesel wagon.”

The Malibu TDZ Diesel Sport Diesel Wagon will be powered by a 2.2 liter turbodiesel developing 150 horsepower and 460 lb-ft of torque.

“The Malibu Sportdiesel Wagon’s diesel engine was conceived and designed in Europe,” announced Dog. “It’s built in our GM European Diesel Plant in Europe, then shipped to Orion Township where the diesel-powered Malibu Dieselsport will be assembled. We then send the engine back to Europe to be inspected by a European guy who lives in Europe, then it returns to Michigan once more to be installed in the car. Anyone who says this isn’t a true European diesel can kiss my European ass.”

Asked of the addition of a diesel-powered wagon to the Malibu lineup was a move to pander to the press rather than provide a vehicle actually demanded by buyers, Dog announced, “You’re damn right we’re pandering to the press. It works for BMW and now we’re going to make it work for General Motors. Seriously, a 4-series with four doors and a hatchback? Who else but an underpaid and overpampered car-magazine hack would want one of those?”

The diesel-powered Malibu Sportdiesel Wagonsport wagon will come exclusively with a six-speed manual transmission, rear-wheel-drive, and hydraulic power steering. Fuel economy estimates have not been calculated, but Dog announced that they will be at least twenty percent lower than the car is actually capable of achieving, so that auto writers can point to their better-than-EPA figures as proof of how stupid the American public is for not embracing diesels.

Dog announced that the diesel wagon is expected to account for roughly 0.004% of 2015 Malibu sales, or about eight cars in total, six of which will be provided as long-term loaners to various car magazines.

“We’re very excited,” announced an excited Dog. “This will be the first time the Malibu has been available as a wagon with a diesel engine.” When Autoblopnik pointed out that the Malibu wagon was offered with an Oldsmobile diesel in 1982 and 1983, Dog announced, “Yes, but we like to pretend that never happened,” and then added, “Nerd.”

© Autoblopnik

More Cars of the Years awards announceds

A car receiving and award of the year, yesterday

A car receiving and award of the year, yesterday

Of the billion or so Car of the Year awards that have recently sprung into existence, here are a few more.

The 2014 Infiniti Q50 has been named Car of the Year by the Self-Pleasurists Organization Of Greater Englewood.

“We were impressed by the Q50′s advanced suite of driver-assistance technologies,” said SPOOGE president Jack ‘Lefty’ Fapper. “Features such as Intelligent Cruise Control™ and Direct Adaptive Steering™ with Active Lane Correction™ allow the car to effectively drive itself, freeing up the driver’s hands for more personal and pleasurable activities.”

The British Motor Pressing Association announced that their Motor of the Year Award would be awarded to “whatever the newest Jaguar is.”

“Nowadays, we just send the Jag chaps a blank trophy and let them fill it in themselves,” explained The Right Honorable Sir Fenton Carlton Basset Regent Milk-Twattler XIVnd, Fifth Earl of Bixton-On-Puddle Twice Removed. “That way, we can get back to doing what we do best, which is whinging about the sorry state of the British auto industry and how the bloody Germans do everything better.”

For the seventh year in a row, the American Association of Elderly People named the Buick Lucerne as its car of the year, despite the fact that the Lucerne went out of production in 2011.

“We were supposed to give it to another car, but none of us can remember which one,” explained Al Derly, AAEP’s chairman-in-chief. “Maybe my wife Mabel knows. Are you Mabel? Sorry, of course you’re not Mabel, you’re the delivery boy from the Chinese. Come on, I’ll show you where the piano is. So, your majesty, do you really think both molars will have to come out?”

The American Association of Lifestyle Bloggers Who Don’t Know Any Better gave their Car of the Year award to the Toyota Yaris.

“The Toyota folks put on an amazing event for us,” said Kirk Scrotum, founder, head reporter, and-editor-in-chief for MinnesotaBeerHiker.wordpress.com and spokesblogger for the LBWDKABCOTY. “We stayed in a Holiday Inn with a pool, we got a ride around the block in a brand-new Yaris, and they had the whole thing catered by Subway! They even told us what web sites could give us the best deal on plane tickets. We were really impressed.”

Moat Door Trend Magazine gave its Car of the Year award to the Chevrolet Malibu, a choice they say will be understood by anyone who read car magazines in 1991. Import Car of the Year went to the Chrysler 200.

Meanwhile, the prestigious North American Car And Truck Of The Year Jury gave their prestigious North American Car of the Year Award to the Maytag MET3800XW stacked electric washer-dryer, while Prestigious Truck of the North went to an Australian ringneck parrot named Keith.

“With so many imitators popping up,” said prestigious NACATOTPYJ spokesman Kim Grossout, “this is the only way we can stand apart from the crowd.”

© Autoblopnik

A message from Otto

I’m sure you all remember last year’s April Fool’s Day post and are expecting something similar today. Well, the rehash-a-press release thing is really only funny once, so I thought I’d take a break from satire and offer my sincere thanks to all of you for the support you have given to Autoblopnik.

This site will celebrate its second birthday next month, and thanks to your shares and links and retweets, we’ve managed to build a loyal and and supportive audience. I’ve gotten lots of positive feedback and surprisingly little crap when I post something that isn’t that funny or when the site goes weeks without an update. In the harsh reality of the Internet, such respect and appreciation is a rare and special thing, and it is very much appreciated.

I am lucky to have such a kind audience, and if I can bring just a bit of joy and laughter into your day, then I have accomplished my goal, and that leaves me feeling deeply fulfilled.

APRIL FOOL! Truth is, I do this purely for my own amusement and the hope that I can someday sell out for a fuckload of cash.

Love and kisses,

Otto.

BREAKING NEWS: GM explains Cruze stop-sale order

A Chevrolet Cruze stopped from selling, yesterday

A Chevrolet Cruze stopped from selling, yesterday

Days after General Motors mysteriously ordered dealers to stop selling certain versions of the Chevrolet Cruze, the formerly-Government-financed company finally issued an explanation for the unusual directive.

“Basically, we stopped selling the Cruze because it’s not a very good car,” said GM  spokestopper Teddy Ragout. “It was two years out of date when we introduced in 2010, and it’s not exactly aging gracefully. Our new CEO said we’ve entered a new era of transparency, and the transparent truth is that our customers would be better off buying a Honda Civic.”

GM’s sales-stopping directive only affects Cruzes equipped with the 1.4 liter turbocharged engine.

“The 1.8 liter Cruze  is still a good deal,” Ragout  explained. “But $1,300 extra for an engine that produces the same amount of horsepower and saves you maybe three bucks a month in gas? No way, man. No friggin’ way.”

Asked if there were any other circumstances leading to the cessation of sales, Ragout says “Of course not. The only reason we’re pulling the Cruze off of the showroom floor is because we don’t like it very much.” He paused, then added, “That, and the slight possibility that the right-hand axle shaft could short-circuit the ignition switch and set the car on fire.”

© Autoblopnik

Automakers reveal New York Auto Show plans

New York Auto Show

What the fuck are you looking at, yesterday

This year’s New York Fucking Auto Show will feature several stands and displays designed to celebrate the country’s least car-friendly city.

At General Motors’ Big Apple-themed show stand, visitors will walk over broken concrete through a long urine-scented corridor lined with homeless people begging for change, then cross a simulated Manhattan street where they must dodge real-live taxicabs that are actually trying to run them over. Those who survive can enter the main display hall, where they will discover that all of the show vehicles have been either stolen or towed away.

Lexus will unveil the Lexus Lexington Lounge, which is designed to resemble a trendy Midtown boutique hotel room. The Lounge measures 4 feet by 5 feet, is lit by a single 15-watt bulb, and costs $280 to enter. Visitors who do not tip the doorman will have their passports, credit cards, and iPods stolen by the cleaning staff.

Fiat has prepared an interactive audio-visual display that highlights the contributions of Italian immigrants to New York City’s history and culture. Show attendees who skip the Fiat stand will have their fucking kneecaps broken with a fucking baseball bat.

Nissan will be giving rides in their new NV200 Taxi of Tomorrow. Show-goers will be offered a free trip around the block, but will instead be taken to a seedy neighborhood in the Bronx and told that they can either hand over the contents of their wallet or get out and walk back to the Javits Center.

The New York Auto Show opens to the public on Friday, April 18th, 2014. New York City residents receive $5 off show admission with proof of residency, either by presenting a valid Government-issued ID or by pissing on a show attendant’s feet and telling him to fuck off.

© Autoblopnik

Cadillac rumored to be preparing new entry-level model

A new small Cadillac, yesterday

A new small Cadillac, yesterday

Sources inside General Motors say Cadillac will shortly reveal a new entry-level sedan to compete with the Mercedes-Benz CLA and Audi A3.

Cadillac spokesperson Cee Marron, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the new vehicle would be an affordably-priced compact sedan based on a front-wheel-drive architecture already in use by the company’s other divisions. The new small Cadillac will launch with a 1.8 liter four-cylinder engine, with a 2-liter engine and a small V6 (possibly a 60-degree 2.8 liter unit) to join the line up later in the production run.

“This new Cadillac precisely mimics the format being used on new models from Mercedes, Audi, and Acura,” Marron said didn’t say. “We think it will attract buyers away from German and Japanese imports while introducing existing GM buyers to a new, more efficient type of Cadillac.”

Marron also told didn’t tell Autoblopnik that Cadillac was considering breaking away from the three-letter nomenclature used on current models. A name has not been finalized, but it would probably be “a cross between a type of spice and a word that means a really stupid person.”

© Autoblopnik

News in briefs

The Chevrolet Captiva, yesterday

Chevrolet Captiva, yesterday

Ford, Chrysler to build fleet-only CUVs

Ford and Chrysler have announced plans to build low-cost crossovers expressly for the rental market. Currently, General Motors dominates the segment with the Chevrolet Captiva. Ford plans to launch a competing vehicle called the Hostage, while Chrysler will follow with the Dodge It Puts The Lotion In The Basket Or It Gets The Hose Again.

Praise for Faust move

LGBT-rights groups across the country are praising Tanner Faust’s move from Ford to Volkswagen. “We were so pleased to learn that Tanner Faust would be driving a Volkswagen Beetle in GRC,” said Anton Breeder, spokesgay for Freedom for All, Girlfriend. “It’s about time he came out. We knew he was one of us all along.”

Nissan recalls NV200

Nissan has recalled its new NV200 compact cargo van for what it terms “aesthetic-related issues.” Spokesvanner Van Debore told Autoblopnik, “While we did our best to make the NV200 as unattractive as possible, it failed to meet the standards for ugliness set by the larger NV 1500-series vans, a single sighting of which can give a small child nightmares for weeks.” Debore says dealers will correct the problem by fitting the NV200 with the front clip developed for the Chevrolet City Express.

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Jay Zee

Oh no…

…not this guy again. Conservative Car Review: Kia K900 by Driving On The Right

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