Famed UK-based German automaker Bentley has revealed its Christmas-themed Reindeer Eight, and Autoblopnik reached out to Jolly Ol’ St. Nick for his opinion on the exclusive new sedan.
“Yeah, I saw the car,” Father Christmas told Autoblopnik. “I saw it on the Internet, just like everyone else. You don’t think they’d actually give me the damn car, do you? Come on. They don’t even mention my name in their press release, so they can avoid paying royalties. Fucking lawyers.”
Asked if he would consider a Bentley to replace his sleigh, Santa said, “Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to pay for a fucking Bentley? I gotta buy parts to make toys for every goddamned child in the world. I have a house full of elves that need food and shoes. Especially shoes. They’re obsessed with the damn things, the fucking freaks. Mrs. Claus spends every waking moment at the casinos. And do you have any idea how much it costs to get a reindeer vet to make house calls, especially when you live at the North Goddammned Pole?
“Meanwhile, how do you assholes pay me? Milk and cookies. I mean, for fuck’s sake, even the pizza delivery boy gets an extra ten spot at Christmas, but Santa, oh no, the guy’s already got a weight problem, so let’s thank him with a one-way ticket to the coronary care unit. Buy a Bentley? Oh, for crying out fucking loud. Do you think I’d still be riding around in a stupid sleigh if I could afford a $250,000 car? I’d buy a pickup truck and hire some Teamsters to drive it. But I can’t, because they sure as fuck don’t work for milk and goddamned cookies.”
We asked Kris Kringle what the rest of the Christmas crew thought of the Bentley Reindeer Eight. “The reindeer think it’s the funniest goddamned thing they’ve ever heard,” he said. “I pull up to the barn in my piece of shit Altima, and they’re all, like, ‘Ho-ho-ho, nice Bentley, there, Nicky!’ They’re rolling around on the floor of their stalls. Real fetlock-slapper, that one. Yeah, don’t get me started on those fucking Bentley twits. Enjoy your coal, you uptight tea-sipping leeches.”