Autoblopnik.com‘s first non-haiku review, posted this past Monday, has met with universal dislike, as evidenced by a series of derogatory emails, negative Facebook comments, and a bag of dog shit left burning at the parody news site’s office door.
“Absolutely one of the worst things I’ve ever read,” said automotive journalist Blink Zrong. “Total shit. Completely un-funny. I can’t believe they had the nerve to put it out there. I’m talking about Motor Trend picking the Tesla S as their Car of the Year, but yeah, Otto’s Fiesta review sucked balls, too.”
“Frankly, we’re appalled,” said Sid Deet, spokesdeeter for Ford Motor Company, whose 1-liter EcoBoost engine was lampooned in the Fiesta review. “We’re never loaning Autoblopnik a car ever again. Actually, we been planning not to loan them any cars ever since they started bringing up all that shit about Henry Ford and the Jews, but now we are definitely not loaning them any cars, and this time we mean it.”
“I thought it was pretty funny,” said Autoblopnik.com editor Otto Blopnik, under whose byline the article ran. “The whole joke was that the 1-liter EcoBoost does the same thing as the base-model 1.6 liter engine, so why bother. I thought of it as typical Autoblopnik stuff, but I guess the readers didn’t agree.”
Autoblopnik‘s site traffic fell to just three views per day, a 45% drop-off from the previous day’s values.
“Good thing we don’t have any advertisers,” said contributing writer Clifton Faghands, “or we’d be seriously fucked.”
Asked if Autoblopnik.com would abandon the non-haiku review format, Mr. Blopnik told Autoblopnik, “The format isn’t dead yet. I’m sure we can find a way to make it work, if we just–” but stopped speaking abruptly when he was hit in the face with a shovel.
by Otto Blopnik
Ever since the Ford Fiesta was foisted on the US market in 2010, something about the car hasn’t set right with us, and we’ve never quite been able to put our finger on it until now: The engine.
We like the Fiesta because it brings so much originality to the market, what with its European-inspired driving manners and upscale interior. But what’s up with that engine? 1.6 liters? Four cylinders? Seriously, Ford, how derivative can you get?
For 2014, Ford has found a way to set the Fiesta apart from the mainstream: The new 1-liter 3-cylinder EcoBoost engine. This is a motor that truly stands out: Three cylinders instead of four, and one liter instead of one-point-six. Finally, some originality!
Of course, making such an original engine work on American roads has required some serious engineering ingenuity. The EcoBoost engine is fitted with direct fuel injection, variable valve timing, and a quick-spooling turbocharger to make up for its small displacement.
And boy, does it work! The 1.0 EcoBoost is rated at 123 horsepower — nearly identical to the 1.6 (which is still offered as standard for ordinary uninteresting people). Torque is slightly higher, and while Ford hasn’t announced EPA fuel economy estimates, they say the 1.0 EcoBoost will deliver “40+ MPG”, which we take to mean 41, which is nearly identical to the 40 MPG highway rating from a 1.6 liter Fiesta SFE.
In other words, Ford has been able to excise one entire cylinder and thirty-six cubic inches — and come up with a motor that does the exact same job as the base-model engine. Now that’s impressive! We knew you had it in you, Ford.
The 1.0 liter EcoBoost engine will be available as an extra-cost option on the 2014 Fiesta, and as an added bonus, it will only be available with a manual transmission, so the 90% of American drivers too lazy to drive properly won’t be buying it. Good, we say. The 2014 Fiesta also sports Ford’s new Aston-ripoff grille and the available MyTouch Ford system, a real boon for those of us who can’t stand the drudgery of being able to change the radio station without having to stare at a screen and wonder what the fuck menu we’re supposed to be using.
Look for the 2014 Fiesta at your Ford dealership in the coming months, before it comes looking for you.