Lincoln, the former luxury division of Ford, has renamed itself the Lincoln Motor Company, a move it says will instantly transform the brand into a relevant player in the luxury field.
“Lincoln was known as the Lincoln Motor Company until 1922, when it was taken over by Ford,” said Frank Footer, the new PR chief for the new Lincoln Motor Company. “We think it’s time to get back to our roots. We don’t want people to think of Lincoln vehicles as gussied-up Fords. In fact, we don’t want them to think of Lincoln as part of Ford at all. Frankly, we don’t know who these Ford people are, and we wish to hell they’d stop coming into our offices.”
Lincoln celebrated its rebirth by revealing the all-new 2013 Lincoln MKZ, which is based on the Ford Fusion except we’re going to pretend it isn’t, at New York’s Lincoln Center, where they also previewed a series of ads featuring formerly-living president Abraham Lincoln. The luxury
division company also announced plans to move their corporate headquarters from Dearborn, Michigan to Lincoln, Nebraska. All Lincoln dealerships will be rebuilt with Lincoln Logs, and employees have been asked to delete their Facebook accounts and use LinkedIn instead. Buyers will get a 10% discount off MSRP if they pay for their car entirely in $5 bills.
The Lincoln Motor Company was founded in 1917 by Henry Leland, who also started Cadillac. Named for the beloved president who was tragically shot in the head, the company lasted just five years before going bankrupt, when its assets were purchased by Ford. Edsel Ford, son of founder Henry, had grand visions for the brand, but was ultimately quashed under the thumb of his overbearing father. Lincoln was never able to achieve the success of Cadillac, and even struggled to compete with Chrysler’s marginally-relevant luxury division, Imperial.
“We’re going to pretend a lot of that didn’t happen,” said Footer.
Autoblopnik polled consumers at the Los Angeles Auto Show about Linclon’s self-reinvention.
“Lincoln Motor Company? Never heard of them,” said Sid Viscous of LaBrea, California. “Say, are they any relation to the people who make the Lincoln MKT? I sure hope not, because that thing is fucking hideous.”
“I just got rid of my Lincoln MKS,” said Alfred Finkentitz, assistant professor of grouting and spackling at Pasadena Community College. “Damn thing was in the shop two, sometimes three times a month. I swore I’d never buy another Ford product as long as I live. But now that Lincoln has changed their name to the Lincoln Motor Company, I will definitely consider one of their vehicles.”
Ford Motor Company announced the opening of a new design studio exclusively for the Lincoln division, which it hopes will help with the turnaround of the ailing luxury brand.
“We’ve spend months trying to identify the primary challenges facing Lincoln,” said brand spokesguy Sid Deet, speaking on the condition that we write at least one Ford story without mentioning that Henry Ford was a batshit crazy racist. “One of the key opportunities we recognized is that our cars are fucking hideous. Once we identified that issue, we went fact-questing for the root cause, and we realized that Lincoln has no design studio. In fact, it has no design staff whatsoever. Frankly, we’re not even sure who designed the current Lincoln models, although we did catch one of the night janitors with clay under his fingernails.”
Deet says the new 40,000 square foot facility has been decorated to look “like a loft apartment,” which the company hopes will make it easier for designers to put in long hours.
“If it looks like home, we’re hoping they won’t notice that they never actually go home,” Deet explained. “They”ll have video game consoles, as many Ho-Hos and Ring Dings as they can eat, and even private ‘intimacy rooms’. But not for same-gender sex. Henry Ford understood that homosexuality was all part of the Zionist plan for world domination. You have to watch that with designers. A lot of them are homos.”
“Henry Ford had seven siblings,” said Ford’s King of the Social Internet, Scott Monty-Cristo, who does not like to be left out of online stories about Ford.
The new facility marks the first time in over 50 years that Lincoln has had its own design studio.
“We opened a dedicated Lincoln design studio back in the mid-1950s,” said Deet, “and the first thing they produced was the 1958 Lincoln. We were so horrified that we burned down the studio, killed the designers, and deported their wives and children. We’re hoping things will go better this time, but we’ve got an angry mob with torches and a Ford corporate jet standing by, just in case.”
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