A spokesman for British automaker Land Rover today insisted that the company was “completely serious” about producing the Range Rover Evoque Convertible.
“Yes, we’re completely serious about producing this vehicle,” said Sir Nigel Elton Colin Hammersmith Cockfoster-Wingebastard VIII, MBE, MP, OIC, OU812, Fifty-Third Earl of Nosingham-by-the-Dumpster. “And frankly, I can’t understand why the automotive press would think we weren’t.
“Our press office has been inundated with enquiries asking if this is a joke, or that if there was some sort of a late-night alcohol-fueled office party preceding the announcement,” Cockfoster-Wingebastard told an assembled group of journalists at a press conference earlier today. “I have told them, and I will tell you, that nothing of the sort is going on. We really think the world is ready for a convertible crossover utility vehicle, and– please, gentleman, I can’t make myself heard if you’re going to keep laughing so loud.”
Land Rover issued a press release saying the Evoque Convertible would be revealed in November and go on sale some time in the spring of 2016.
“No, we haven’t scheduled the debut for the first of April,” said Cockfoster-Wingebastard in response to a reporter’s question. “Why would we do that? Really, gentleman, I don’t see what is so funny. What? Murano? Never heard of it. What is that, some sort of cheese?”
In the wake of the Volkswagen emissions scandal, several prominent automotive publications are saying that they were well aware of the problems with Volkswagen’s diesel engines, and have been attempting to educate the public about the potential dangers for some time.
“We knew all along that there was a problem with VW’s TDIs,” said Randy Backpeddler, Contributing Editor for AlternativeFools.com. “That’s why we have been recommending people buy them: So we could get enough of them on the road to attract attention to the very obvious problem of emissions cheating. I’m proud to say that our strategy has worked.”
Dean Nyer, Editor-in-Chief of Roadgoing Asshole Magazine, says his publication’s attempts to warn readers about Volkswagen’s diesel cars have been largely misunderstood.
“We have often written that only cool people buy diesels and that hybrid buyers are boring,” he told Autoblopnik. “What we meant was that diesel buyers are cool to important environmental issues that ought not to be ignored, while hybrid buyers are boring right into the heart of the matter, which is to reduce air pollution.”
Osmond Reefqueefer of Kelly Boob Book agreed that his publication’s position on Volkswagen diesels was also taken out of context.
“Sure, we said Volkswagen’s TDI cars were great,” he said. “And what we meant was that they pose a great danger to the health and safety of the American public.”
Volkswagen spokespolluter Gil Markes said he expects the media attention will be short lived.
“We were a bit surprised as to how much coverage the story has received, especially considering how many journalists we hosted at the Frankfurt Auto Show,” Markes told Autoblopnik. “But we’re pretty sure the media attention will die down once we announce that the 2017 Passat press preview will take place in Hawaii.”
Elon Musk, founder and chief sensational headline generator at Tesla Motors, today further directed attention away from the company’s tenuous financial situation by predicting that killer robots could destroy humanity “…in the five year time frame, 10 years at most.”
In a conversation at a Vanity Fair conference, Musk reportedly told an interviewer that killer robots, like most electronic annoyances, could start in email.
“If its [function] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam,” Musk allegedly said, “and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans…” He then trailed off as loud, ominous music played in the background.
“It’s very likely that these killer robots would network together and decide to eliminate humanity by setting off nuclear bombs,” he said. “I’m sure there would be a resistance movement of surviving humans, but if the robots figure out how to travel back in time and kill the leaders, mankind could be doomed. Especially if they send a particularly brawny robot with an Austrian accent and a yen for politics.”
Asked how humans could best survive such an onslaught, Musk said, “We need to get a bunch of hydraulic presses and as many vats of molten metal as we can find and put them everywhere. Those are the only sure way to kill time-traveling robots. Of course, that might not stop them. The robots would probably develop all sorts of new technology, like liquid metal and totally hot female robots that are all like, ‘Hey, look at my bewbs, aren’t they nice? HAH, I just stabbed you with my liquid metal finger that turned into a knife!’ I’m sure they’ll make at least four attempts before people decide they are tired of time-traveling robots and the robots just give up.”
Asked what his proposed solution to the problem was, Musk said, “I’d suggest we get some prima donna actor to throw a temper tantrum and scream at a poor crew member for no good reason, then post it to YouTube. For whatever reason, that seems to keep the killer robots away for years at a time.”
Tesla stock prices fell by two and a half points today as company managers scrampbled to figure out who let Elon have access to a computer with Internet connectivity.
The automotive community was in shock today after a well-known and well-respected journalist let it be known that he does not like diesel-powered cars.
“I’ve never cared for them, really,” said Jimmy “Jim” Hammer-James, a former syndicated automotive columnist for Knight-Rider News, who asked that he not be named for fear of reprisals.
“There’s nothing inherently wrong with diesels,” Hammer-James the journalist told Autoblopnik. “I just don’t like them, and I don’t understand why my colleagues get so excited about them. Sure, they get great fuel economy if you drive five miles per hour under the speed limit on level ground in a perfectly straight line with the A/C off and the sunroof closed, but they’re noisy and the fuel sticks to your shoes and stinks up your car. When my readers tell me they need a car that gets great gas mileage, I tell them to buy a Prius.”
“This creates a serious credibility problem for our industry,” said Berton Bertonsmyth, president of Consolidated Reporters and Automotive Professionals, a trade group for auto writers. “An automotive reporter who doesn’t like diesels is like… is like…”
“Like a germaphobe who doesn’t like soap,” finished his colleague Bill Fannybatter, president of Consolidated Reporters for Awesomely Slick Similes.
Hammer-James the unnamed journalist says he’s surprised at the vitriol he’s received from his colleagues after voicing his opinions on diesels.
“It’s like there’s some sort of unwritten code,” he said. “If you don’t love diesels, you’re not a real auto critic. People say I must hate cars, or I must not be an enthusiast. I’ve owned three BMWs, I’ve got a showroom-condition ’64 GTO, and I’m helping a friend restore his Jaguar E-Type. I love cars. I just don’t like diesels.”
“He’s worse than a mommyblogger,” said Warry Lebster of Toad and Rrack, who asked that we change his name and his publication in order to ensure his anonymity. “He’s worse than a lifestyle journalist. He’s not one of us.”
UPDATE: Autoblopnik has learned that Hammer-James the subject of this story is unhurt after a failed attack by fellow journalists, who doused him with diesel fuel and attempted to set him alight before realizing that diesel fuel does not burn readily.