Category: Tesla

New electric hypercar to be revealed at CES

The car of tomorrow today, yesterday

The car of tomorrow today, yesterday

A Nebraska startup today revealed a new electric hypercar called the Ohm Resistor at the Costumer Electric Shoe (CES) in Las Vegas.

The company said that the production version of the Ohm Resistor will develop 25,000 horsepower at the wheels, enough to launch the car to 60 MPH in one-eighth of a second. Top speed will be just over one million miles per hour.

The announcement brought immediate comparison to the 1,000 horsepower Faraday Future concept car, also announced at the Consumption Electric Shock (CES), but Ohm spokesresistor Georg Simon was quick to point out that the Resistor is “a real car, not a concept,” and that the announcement of two electric hypercars “in no way marks the start of a flurry of electric-vehicle startups who rip off Tesla by naming their companies after long-dead scientists who had something to do with electricity.”

Sources in the industry say we can expect to see more high-performance electric vehicles from new startups during this auto show season, including the Ampere Current, the Coulomb Law, and the Gauss Fluxtheorem.

Mr. Simon said that he believed the Resistor would compare favorably with other electric cars, and that its performance would “make the Tesla curl up in a coil” and “put the Faraday in a cage.”

The interview was then terminated abruptly when our correspondent punched Mr. Simon in the throat.

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to AG

Elon Musk writes open letter to Santa Claus

A non-emissions-compliant form of sleigh propulsion, yesterday

A non-emissions-compliant form of sleigh propulsion, yesterday

Elon Musk today issued an open letter to Santa Claus, urging him to consider electric power for his sleigh.

“Reindeer emissions are at an all-time high,” Mr. Musk wrote in his letter. “It’s time for Mr. Kringle to stop using this outdated technology and turn to new, cleaner forms of power that will make the world a better place.”

The letter went on to say that since  an electrically-powered sleigh would take some time to develop, Tesla would be pleased to sell ZEV credits to the North Pole in the meantime.

A spokeself for Jolly Old St. Nick told Autoblopnik that the North Pole had no intentions of changing a mode of power which has worked well for centuries.

“Of course we are always looking at alternative technologies,” the spokeself said. “But we’ve never considered batteries as a viable alternative. When your mission is to visit every single house on the planet in one single night, ‘range anxiety’ takes on a whole new meaning.”

Asked what, if anything, Mr. Musk would be getting for Christmas, the elf said, “I’m not at liberty to say what Little Elon will be getting, but I can tell you it’s made of substance that is frequently burned to power his electric cars.”

© Autoblopnik

Elon Musk tells VW how to build cars

An electric car, yesterday. © Rubberball/Corbis

An electric car, yesterday

Elon Musk was among the forty-five signatories on an open letter to the California Air Resource Board, urging CARB to direct beleaguered pollution manufacturer Volkswagen to build more electric vehicles.

The letter suggested that instead of fixing the small number of diesel cars on the road in California, Volkswagen should be required to build more zero-emissions vehicles (ZEVs) than currently required. The letter also suggested that Volkswagen be allowed to buy additional ZEV credits to allow more time for development.

“Conveniently, Tesla sells ZEV credits to other manufacturers. In fact, selling ZEV credits is the only thing that makes the company profitable,” neither the letter nor Elon Musk said.

Volkswagen expressed relief at the contents of the letter.

“We’re very pleased that Elon Musk and his friends have told us the best way to run our business,” said Volkswagen spokeswagen Hermann Van Agon. “We’ve been spinning our wheels since just after World War II, desperately waiting for someone to come along and tell us what to do. The Beetle, the Bus, the Golf, the GTI — people think these were brilliant products, but in fact they were all just lucky breaks. Now that Mr. Musk has spoken up, we can finally get on with the business of building proper cars.”

“All I want to do is make the world a better place,” Elon Musk told Autoblopnik during a quick break between nap time and macaroni painting. “This isn’t about me. This isn’t about Tesla. It’s about demanding that the automakers clean up our planet by making more electric cars. That way they won’t have to rely on companies like mine to sell them ZEV credits. Of course, that means we’d have to design a car that was actually profitable, and… er… oh, crap. Excuse me a minute. Linda? Hey, Linda? You didn’t mail that letter to CARB yet, did you?”

© Autoblopnik — Image © Rubberball/Corbis

Stockholders demand “child-friendly” Tesla

A Tesla Models, yesterday

A Tesla Models, yesterday

Just one day after two stockholders demanded Tesla make “animal-friendly” cars that do not use leather, a second group of Tesla owners has asked the company to halt the use of children in the manufacture of their cars.

“It’s true that ground-up children are one of the many raw materials used in the manufacture of our electric propulsion system,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “However, children account for, at most, 0.06% of the content of each car by weight. We’re not talking about a significant amount of children here.”

LaSpokesperson said she could not give details on how the children are used, as they are part of a proprietary process that the company considers a trade secret. However, she did confirm that the ground-up children are a key element in Tesla’s ability to provide a significantly longer range than competing EVs while allowing relatively short charge times.

“Obviously, using ground-up children in our vehicles is not an ideal situation, but any successful car design is a series of compromises,” LaSpokesperson told Autoblopnik. “I can assure you that all of the children used in the manufacture of Tesla vehicles are organically fed and raised in a cage-free environment. Whenever possible, we use particularly annoying children who will not be missed very much. And while it is true that our manufacturing procedure requires the children to be alive and fully conscious during the grinding-up process, we do our best to keep suffering to an absolute minimum.”

Tesla’s Board of Directors has recommended that shareholders vote against building so called “child-friendly” cars, as they say it would add to costs and waste valuable development time that should be devoted to higher-priority projects, such as a device that will allow CEO Elon Musk to communicate directly with UFOs.

A representative from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children has reportedly asked if the agency could work directly with Tesla to find alternative child-free methods to manufacture Tesla cars.

“We’ll look into it,” Musk said. “By the way, there’s a killer robot standing behind you.”


Elon Musk predicts killer robots

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, yesterday

Elon Musk, founder and chief sensational headline generator at Tesla Motors, today further directed attention away from the company’s tenuous financial situation by predicting that killer robots could destroy humanity “…in the five year time frame, 10 years at most.”

In a conversation at a Vanity Fair conference, Musk reportedly told an interviewer that killer robots, like most electronic annoyances, could start in email.

“If its [function] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam,” Musk allegedly said, “and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans…” He then trailed off as loud, ominous music played in the background.

In a comment that was reportedly posted and then reportedly deleted from, Musk reportedly went on to reportedly describe how a robot invasion might reportedly happen.

“It’s very likely that these killer robots would network together and decide to eliminate humanity by setting off nuclear bombs,” he said. “I’m sure there would be a resistance movement of surviving humans, but if the robots figure out how to travel back in time and kill the leaders, mankind could be doomed. Especially if they send a particularly brawny robot with an Austrian accent and a yen for politics.”

Asked how humans could best survive such an onslaught, Musk said, “We need to get a bunch of hydraulic presses and as many vats of molten metal as we can find and put them everywhere. Those are the only sure way to kill time-traveling robots. Of course, that might not stop them. The robots would probably develop all sorts of new technology, like liquid metal and totally hot female robots that are all like, ‘Hey, look at my bewbs, aren’t they nice? HAH, I just stabbed you with my liquid metal finger that turned into a knife!’ I’m sure they’ll make at least four attempts before people decide they are tired of time-traveling robots and the robots just give up.”

Asked what his proposed solution to the problem was, Musk said, “I’d suggest we get some prima donna actor to throw a temper tantrum and scream at a poor crew member for no good reason, then post it to YouTube. For whatever reason, that seems to keep the killer robots away for years at a time.”

Tesla stock prices fell by two and a half points today as company managers scrampbled to figure out who let Elon have access to a computer with Internet connectivity.


Musk defends Tesla crash

Elon Musk on fire, yesterday

Elon Musk, yesterday

A week after a stolen Tesla Model S was involved in a fiery crash, causing Tesla’s stock price to drop by nearly $7, company CEO Elon Musk today held a press conference, causing Tesla’s stock price to rise by $1.50

“The Tesla Model S performed exactly as it was designed to do in a stolen-vehicle situation,” Mr. Musk told the assembled reporters, raising the share price by another seventy-five cents.

“The Model S intentionally crashed itself, bringing the chase to a rapid and safe end, while removing three or four pollution-spewing gasoline cars from service and improving the environment,” he explained. “The car then split itself into two pieces, allowing for easy and rapid exit from the vehicle for ambulatory survivors and saving time and labor for emergency personnel. The rear half of the Model S wedged itself in the doorway of a nearby synagogue, giving the criminals a convenient way to pray for forgiveness, while the front half set itself on fire, destroying vital fingerprint evidence in order to protect the occupants’ privacy.”

Mr. Musk paused to drink apple juice from his Lightning McQueen sippy cup, which triggered a $2 increase in the price of Tesla shares, then paused for a moment, causing Tesla stock to drop by half a point, before continuing.

“Had the car thieves been driving a gasoline car,” he said, “the results would undoubtedly have been much more catastrophic. The chase could have continued for several hundred miles, giving the criminals a much better chance of evading police. They probably would have been caught at an Arizona truck stop while in the process of catching gonorrhea from a couple of lot lizards, which is exactly the sort of behavior that internal-combustion cars elicit from their owners. Instead, the Tesla Model S performed exactly as it was designed to do, bringing the chase to a quick, environmentally-friendly, and spectacularly newsworthy end.”

Mr. Musk refused to take questions from the assembled reporters, citing a scheduled Duck-Duck-Goose charity tournament for which he was already late. Tesla stock prices rallied to pre-crash levels at the conclusion of the press conference, for which Mr. Musk was rewarded with a gold star sticker and a Fruit Roll-Up, causing Tesla share prices to increase by another $2.

© Autoblopnik

Related: Industry, stock market react in wake of Tesla flat tire

Tesla reacts to patent announcement reaction

We really like tha moon, yesterday

Can I haz Elon Musk, yesterday

After overwhelmingly positive media reaction to a blog entry saying it would make all of its patents freely available, Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk said that the company planned to ride the wave of good publicity by doing everything in the form of an Internet meme.

“Somebody set us up the bomb,” Musk told Autoblopnik, producing a fake light saber and flailing about wildly.

Tesla announced the move in a blog entry entitled “All Our Patents Are Belong To You,” a reference to a 1991 video game called Zero Wing that everyone talks about but no one on the planet has actually played.

“We anticipated a positive response to our patent announcement, but we were like ‘Derp!’ when we saw all the affirmative press,” said Tesla spokesnetceleb Chris Crocker. “Elon always says ‘You have no chance to survive make your time, om-nom-nom,’ so we intend to make the most of it, that is when we’re not busy following fat people around with a tuba.”

In Soviet Russia, where patents own you, Hitler was informed of the Tesla announcement and reacted by taking off his glasses with shaky hands and yelling “Fegelein! Fegelein! Fegelein!” which in turn prompted Mike Godwin to smash his keyboard on his desk while shrieking in German.

Although most major media outlets heralded Musk’s patent announcement and his witty headline, not all reactions were positive. Jaloptoblog criticized the move, with a story headlined “FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-“.

“We understand that not everyone will get the reference,” cried Crocker. “But how could anyone out there make fun of Elon? After all he’s been through? LEAVE HIM ALONE! You’re lucky he even makes cars for you bastards! LEAVE ELON ALONE!!!

© Autoblopnik

Related: Industry, stock market react in wake of Tesla flat tire

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