Just one day after two stockholders demanded Tesla make “animal-friendly” cars that do not use leather, a second group of Tesla owners has asked the company to halt the use of children in the manufacture of their cars.
“It’s true that ground-up children are one of the many raw materials used in the manufacture of our electric propulsion system,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “However, children account for, at most, 0.06% of the content of each car by weight. We’re not talking about a significant amount of children here.”
LaSpokesperson said she could not give details on how the children are used, as they are part of a proprietary process that the company considers a trade secret. However, she did confirm that the ground-up children are a key element in Tesla’s ability to provide a significantly longer range than competing EVs while allowing relatively short charge times.
“Obviously, using ground-up children in our vehicles is not an ideal situation, but any successful car design is a series of compromises,” LaSpokesperson told Autoblopnik. “I can assure you that all of the children used in the manufacture of Tesla vehicles are organically fed and raised in a cage-free environment. Whenever possible, we use particularly annoying children who will not be missed very much. And while it is true that our manufacturing procedure requires the children to be alive and fully conscious during the grinding-up process, we do our best to keep suffering to an absolute minimum.”
Tesla’s Board of Directors has recommended that shareholders vote against building so called “child-friendly” cars, as they say it would add to costs and waste valuable development time that should be devoted to higher-priority projects, such as a device that will allow CEO Elon Musk to communicate directly with UFOs.
A representative from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children has reportedly asked if the agency could work directly with Tesla to find alternative child-free methods to manufacture Tesla cars.
“We’ll look into it,” Musk said. “By the way, there’s a killer robot standing behind you.”
Elon Musk, founder and chief sensational headline generator at Tesla Motors, today further directed attention away from the company’s tenuous financial situation by predicting that killer robots could destroy humanity “…in the five year time frame, 10 years at most.”
In a conversation at a Vanity Fair conference, Musk reportedly told an interviewer that killer robots, like most electronic annoyances, could start in email.
“If its [function] is just something like getting rid of e-mail spam,” Musk allegedly said, “and it determines the best way of getting rid of spam is getting rid of humans…” He then trailed off as loud, ominous music played in the background.
“It’s very likely that these killer robots would network together and decide to eliminate humanity by setting off nuclear bombs,” he said. “I’m sure there would be a resistance movement of surviving humans, but if the robots figure out how to travel back in time and kill the leaders, mankind could be doomed. Especially if they send a particularly brawny robot with an Austrian accent and a yen for politics.”
Asked how humans could best survive such an onslaught, Musk said, “We need to get a bunch of hydraulic presses and as many vats of molten metal as we can find and put them everywhere. Those are the only sure way to kill time-traveling robots. Of course, that might not stop them. The robots would probably develop all sorts of new technology, like liquid metal and totally hot female robots that are all like, ‘Hey, look at my bewbs, aren’t they nice? HAH, I just stabbed you with my liquid metal finger that turned into a knife!’ I’m sure they’ll make at least four attempts before people decide they are tired of time-traveling robots and the robots just give up.”
Asked what his proposed solution to the problem was, Musk said, “I’d suggest we get some prima donna actor to throw a temper tantrum and scream at a poor crew member for no good reason, then post it to YouTube. For whatever reason, that seems to keep the killer robots away for years at a time.”
Tesla stock prices fell by two and a half points today as company managers scrampbled to figure out who let Elon have access to a computer with Internet connectivity.
A week after a stolen Tesla Model S was involved in a fiery crash, causing Tesla’s stock price to drop by nearly $7, company CEO Elon Musk today held a press conference, causing Tesla’s stock price to rise by $1.50
“The Tesla Model S performed exactly as it was designed to do in a stolen-vehicle situation,” Mr. Musk told the assembled reporters, raising the share price by another seventy-five cents.
“The Model S intentionally crashed itself, bringing the chase to a rapid and safe end, while removing three or four pollution-spewing gasoline cars from service and improving the environment,” he explained. “The car then split itself into two pieces, allowing for easy and rapid exit from the vehicle for ambulatory survivors and saving time and labor for emergency personnel. The rear half of the Model S wedged itself in the doorway of a nearby synagogue, giving the criminals a convenient way to pray for forgiveness, while the front half set itself on fire, destroying vital fingerprint evidence in order to protect the occupants’ privacy.”
Mr. Musk paused to drink apple juice from his Lightning McQueen sippy cup, which triggered a $2 increase in the price of Tesla shares, then paused for a moment, causing Tesla stock to drop by half a point, before continuing.
“Had the car thieves been driving a gasoline car,” he said, “the results would undoubtedly have been much more catastrophic. The chase could have continued for several hundred miles, giving the criminals a much better chance of evading police. They probably would have been caught at an Arizona truck stop while in the process of catching gonorrhea from a couple of lot lizards, which is exactly the sort of behavior that internal-combustion cars elicit from their owners. Instead, the Tesla Model S performed exactly as it was designed to do, bringing the chase to a quick, environmentally-friendly, and spectacularly newsworthy end.”
Mr. Musk refused to take questions from the assembled reporters, citing a scheduled Duck-Duck-Goose charity tournament for which he was already late. Tesla stock prices rallied to pre-crash levels at the conclusion of the press conference, for which Mr. Musk was rewarded with a gold star sticker and a Fruit Roll-Up, causing Tesla share prices to increase by another $2.
After overwhelmingly positive media reaction to a blog entry saying it would make all of its patents freely available, Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk said that the company planned to ride the wave of good publicity by doing everything in the form of an Internet meme.
“Somebody set us up the bomb,” Musk told Autoblopnik, producing a fake light saber and flailing about wildly.
Tesla announced the move in a blog entry entitled “All Our Patents Are Belong To You,” a reference to a 1991 video game called Zero Wing that everyone talks about but no one on the planet has actually played.
“We anticipated a positive response to our patent announcement, but we were like ‘Derp!’ when we saw all the affirmative press,” said Tesla spokesnetceleb Chris Crocker. “Elon always says ‘You have no chance to survive make your time, om-nom-nom,’ so we intend to make the most of it, that is when we’re not busy following fat people around with a tuba.”
In Soviet Russia, where patents own you, Hitler was informed of the Tesla announcement and reacted by taking off his glasses with shaky hands and yelling “Fegelein! Fegelein! Fegelein!” which in turn prompted Mike Godwin to smash his keyboard on his desk while shrieking in German.
Although most major media outlets heralded Musk’s patent announcement and his witty headline, not all reactions were positive. Jaloptoblog criticized the move, with a story headlined “FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-“.
“We understand that not everyone will get the reference,” cried Crocker. “But how could anyone out there make fun of Elon? After all he’s been through? LEAVE HIM ALONE! You’re lucky he even makes cars for you bastards! LEAVE ELON ALONE!!!”
The automotive industry was in tatters yesterday with the news that a Tesla Model S had gotten a flat tire.
“At this time, I can only confirm that a Tesla Model S suffered a massive pressure loss in the semi-structural air cavity of the front-left wheel and tire assembly,” said Tesla spokesman Liz Expendable-Smith. “I’m sure our CEO will have more to say on this matter after his nap and circle time.”
Tesla’s stock price fell five and a half points after Milford Keynes of Chemsmell, New Jersey, posted a YouTube video of a Honda Accord with a flat tire. In the video, after Mr. Keynes says, “Hey, look, that guy has a flat tire,” an unseen male companion can clearly be heard saying “Yeah, hey, I saw one of them Tessel Model S-es with a flat tire just the other day.”
Industry analyst Paul Steisenbergenstienystadt, appearing on CBC’s morning news show Asscrack of Dawn, said, “This is obviously a major setback for Tesla. People think the Model S is a futuristic form of transportation simply because it can do everything an ordinary car can do without consuming any oil. This devastating incident proves that the Tesla is not immune to the perils of ordinary cars. Clearly, these so-called ‘electric cars’ are not ready for prime time.”
Tesla stock prices dropped another two points in the wake of Steisenbergenstienystadt’s comments, then rose by half a point when it was realized that he did the entire segment with his fly open.
The owner of the Tesla Model S in question was not available for comment. Expendable-Smith said that he was “somewhat irate” about the incident, and would most likely address the media after a short stint at Tesla’s re-education camp.
Tesla CEO Elon Musk later issued a statement on the cause of the incident.
“Our investigation and analysis of the on-board data recorders show that the Model S encountered a small, pointy metallic threaded object, approximately one inch in length, which most likely fell out of some sort of construction-related vehicle,” he said. “The Tesla’s front-left tire struck the object with a force of 24 newton-foot tons, breaching the rubber outer layer of the tire and allowing the high-pressure air to equalize with the atmosphere outside the tire. This caused what the media is referring to as ‘a flat’.”
Musk added that the Model S performed flawlessly in the incident.
“The driver was alerted to the incident by a loud hissing sound and a sudden pulling to one side. He was able to pull off the road safely and exit the vehicle, and none of the escaping high-pressure air ever penetrated the cabin. The Model S performed exactly as it was designed, and the occupants were never in danger. Had this incident taken place in a gasoline-powered car, the results could have been disastrous. Did I say ‘could’? I meant would. If this had happened in a gas car, people would have died, man. Scores of ’em.”
Tesla’s stock prices rallied in the wake of Mr. Musk’s comments, for which he was rewarded with a smiley-face sticker and a cookie.
Esteemed motor news site Automotive Nudes today reported that Tesla Motors, builder of high-performance battery-powered electric vehicles, is in fact a hoax that originated as a simple April Fools’ Day prank.
“Martin [Eberhard] and I were having coffee and trying to think of a good joke,” CEO and co-founder Elon Musk told Automotive Nudes reporter Mike Retchin. “It was actually Marty’s idea. He said, ‘You know a lot about that electrical shit. Let’s issue a press release saying we’re partnering with AC Propulsion to make an electric sports car that can go 0-60 in two seconds with a thousand-mile range.’ We changed the numbers to make them a little more believable, but still impossible. Next thing we knew, we were in the headlines.”
Asked about the Lotus Elise body, Musk said, “We were trying to think of the most unlikely electric car. Marty thought a Volkswagen Karmann Ghia would be funny, or maybe a rusty old AMC Gremlin, and then I came up with the Elise. You know, to this day it still amazes me that people believed that. I can barely fit my feet into an Elise. Where the hell do they think we’d put a battery pack big enough to go 2 miles, let alone 200?”
Musk says he and Eberhard originally planned to reveal the joke right away, “But so many people bought into the idea, we figured we’d see how far we could take it.”
They continued the hoax by setting up a corporation and purchasing several actual Lotus Elises, which they disguised as Tesla Roadsters.
“Those are just regular Elises with a special device I developed that cancels out sound and vibration,” Musk explained. “It works just like a set of Bose noise-cancelling headphones, but on a much larger scale. Pretty slick, right? It took a long time to get it to work reliably, which is why we had to keep the media from driving the cars for so long. When we put the car on Top Gear, I thought for sure the gadget would break down and we’d get busted. Turns out it ran out of gas first, so we lucked out.”
Tesla has claimed sales of nearly 2,500 Roadsters in 31 countries. In fact, says Musk, there are about two dozen cars on the road in California, all driven by friends who are in on the joke.
“We even went so far as to develop the Model S,” Musk said, “which is really just a fiberglass body on a stretched Fiero chassis. And then we showed the Model X prototype. I made that one myself with a Ford Focus and a shitload of Bondo. By that time we were starting to get tired of the whole thing, so we decided to tell the world the truth. April fool!”