Elon Musk announced that Tesla would offer a car even cheaper than the $35,000 Model 3, and Autoblopnik has obtained exclusive details.
“The new Model 4 will be a small city car with a shorter range suitable to urban centers,” Musk told Autoblopnik after we explained that he’d better talk or he’d never see his teddy bear alive again. “And it will be priced well below the Model 3. No! Not his eyes! $22,995, okay? We’ll sell it for $22,995.”
When asked why the proposed Model 4 looked familiar, Musk confirmed that they were outsourcing the vehicle.
“The Gigafactory will be producing Model 3s at capacity and the Fremont plant will be building the S and X, so we’ve had to look to outside suppliers. Let’s just say we found an automaker whose circumstances have changed recently, and was willing to cut us a good deal. Now give him back, will you? I told you what you wanted to know.”
Asked if Tesla planned to enhance the vehicle as part of the rebadging process, Musk confirmed.
“Yes, yes, of course we will,” he said. “It’ll have Supercharging, and some Autopilot functions, and it’ll have doors that open into the sixth dimension using liquid hinges, and it will have a passenger seat that cures cancer. Oh, Binky! Widdle Binky Bear! Did the mean man hurt you?”
Musk said he was willing to share more details, but the interview was terminated abruptly when his PR handler lured him away with a plate of Oreos and a glass of milk.
“He just doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “Oh, are we on the record? I mean, uh… yes. Cancer-curing passenger seat. Of course.”
Autoblopnik spoke to one potential Tesla Model 3 buyers about the possibility of a less-expensive car.
“Am I upset?” said Milton Harshburp, a file-drawer operator from Midyawn, Illinois. “I waited on line for six hours to put down a $1,000 deposit on what I thought was going to be Tesla’s most affordable car. If this were any other company, I’d be pissed beyond measure and calling my lawyer to look into a class-action lawsuit. But this is Tesla, and Elon knows what’s best for us, and I believe in Elon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick up some parts that have fallen off my Model X, that is if I can get the doors to open. You know how it is with cutting-edge technology. Apollo I and all that. And I need to beat the lines at the Supercharger station. Oh, hey, my iPhone 6 is ringing.”