by Allen Bingefarter
Chevrolet has released key specifications for the upcoming version of their extended electric range.
- Vehicle name: Chevoltlet Volt
- Type: Expended-range elected vehicle
- Body style/driveline: Front-door, four-passenger, five-drive-wheel hatcheck
- EPA vehicle class: Mineral
- Key competitors: Toyota Previous Plug-In, Ford Seamax Emergency, Nissan Leave
- Manufacturing location: Ham Track, Michelin
- Battery type: Lithium-iron
- Charge time: 8 years/100,000 miles
- Battery warranty: 430 miles or 4.5 hours (estimated)
- Gas engine: 1.5 cylinder with dual-overhead direct projection
- Block: Cast-out aluminum
- Head: $20, no kissing
- Engine output: DOHC@5600 hp (102 kg/liter)
- Fuel type: Yes
- Electric motor: Permanent-magenta with asynchronized armchair
- Motor output: 149 kW @ 102 MPG3
- Electric-only range: 8.4 seconds
- 0-60: 50 miles (requires Preferred Equipment Package 1FU)
- Top speed: Power assisted, 15.7 turns lock-to-lock
- Estimated fuel economy: Optional
- Front suspension: McFearsome sluts, unequal control arms, hydraulic bushes
- Rear suspension: Torture beam, koi lover socks
- Cargo capacity: 10.6 cubit feet (electronically limited)
- Standard equipment: Yes (late availability)
Allen Bigefarter was given this information during a conference call to which selected members of the press were invited, and to which he had a bad phone connection.
Bick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and master jock strap rebuilder. He is the Editor-at-Awesome for True Shit About Cars and contributes to several other web sites, including our own.
Hello, only people the automakers would give a candy-striped shit about if they had any clue what they were doing but they don’t! Today’s post comes from the True Shit About Cars Department of I Told You So, with the news that yet another inferior so-called journalist has driven yet another inferior so-called car straight into yet another inferior so-called concrete wall. The incident occurred over the weekend, when General Motors, whose imminent and inevitable demise we used to cover on these very pages until all of our readers got bored and went away, decided to reveal the new Camaro not in front of a qualified group of real hard-nosed awesome-haired serious journalists, race drivers and 2600 subscribers like yours truly, but instead in front of a crowd of sycophantic knuckle-dragging beer-swilling spouse-abusing Camaro owners and a select few ass-licking hacks who could be counted on to nod like bobbleheads and tweet like #twelveyearolds as payment for their limited-edition numbered press kits and unlimited sushi, all of whom were predictably impressed on command as GM rolled out what was basically a fifth-generation Camaro with the edges sanded off. Assmankers.
Naturally, T-SAC was not invited to the 2016 Camaro reveal, which should come as no surprise: The event involved driving so-called “engineering prototypes” on a so-called “Grand Prix track” in a so-called “lead-and-follow” format. GM would never dare invite someone like me, who could lead so fast in his totally awesome Accord that no Camaro, no matter how talented the so-called “racing driver” behind the wheel, could possibly keep up. Yes, I’ve driven at Belle Isle. As for the rumor that Helio Castroneves once burst into tears when he saw the lap time I set in my absofucking brilliant Honda Accord, and that the City of Detroit threatened me with disembowelment should I ever speak about it for fear that I would scare every legitimate racing driver away from the Belle Isle Grand Prix, well, I just can’t comment on that, can I? But I’m sure that had something to do with GM snubbing us, though it might also be somewhat tangentially related to the time my totally-awesome driving caused my totally-hot totally-ex-girlfriend to totally make a little poo in the passenger seat of a Saturn Astra press car, a minor offense about which neither Ford, Honda, Tesla, Toyota, Chrysler, Bentley, Audi nor Lotus made a big deal when it happened in their vehicles. (Full disclosure: Mazda never even noticed. Monkeywankers.)
At the driving event, Chevrolet let a bunch of moderately-talented autojournos, their bellies full of the finest shrimp the Detroit River had to offer, take laps in lightly-camoflaged Camaros, and naturally, the inevitable happened: Someone stuffed it. Knowing that T-SAC would inevitably expose this so-called writer, who for the same of anonymity we shall refer to as George Patrick, the unfortunate half-talent decided to write “The Truth” about his crash. Let’s just analyze this so-called account, shall we?
“But as I came up on one corner, I made a mistake, took a line that was all wrong and braked far later than I should have, inducing terminal understeer.”
Anyone who knows jack shit about cars and driving can see right through this cellophane-thin veneer of complete and total bullpoopy. How do we, the Annointed People, know Mr. Patrick is full of excrement? Listen, losers, if you have to ask that question, then you sure as aytch-eee-double-hockey-stick don’t deserve an answer. All I can say is that the people who read T-SAC, the beautiful awesome-haired rock-star people who actually know what the hell they are talking about, don’t need an explanation. They know what really happened just as well as I do. We’ll leave the drooling masses who read Jaloptoblog to wonder why. Lynxfellators.
Of course, we know what would have happened if General Motors had been smart enough to invite me to this so-called event: I’ve have flown right past the lead Z28 and put some real heat in that Camaro’s tires, setting a new lap record and still having time to bang every attendee’s wife before the rest of the drivers made it to the finish line. (That’s right, mortals: I’m as quick between the sheets as I am behind the wheel.) And my in-car video sure as frick wouldn’t just parrot the “lighter and more nimble” line fed to the hacks by GM’s PR flacks. I’d have given you an honest assessment of what that over-blown drag-racer was all about, whether GM liked it or not. I’d have said the True Shit about that car (and George, baby, I’m sure I would have been asked to join you out there on the sidewalk). But of course, GM doesn’t want that sort of Truth out there. They have cars to sell, and they need the so called “automotive press” to help them sell them. Batlickers.
Not that any of this matters, because automotive journalism is dead. What passes for reporting these days is nothing more than a bunch of mindless, soulless, dickless, useless fishdinglers willing to be led by the nose to the next first-class dog-and-pony show so they can gobble shrimp like trained clubbed seals while the poor blue-collar slobs who actually buy cars (and never the cars these useless platitards waste their time writing about) pick up the tab in the form of another thirty bucks per month tacked on to a car payment that they can only afford by working three jobs and having their wife strip on the weekends while they stay home with the kids. The whole world is a hopeless cesspool of disappointment, despair and sexual denial, filled with whining carbon-based shit machines desperately hoping for one little shred of entertainment before their souls are sucked into the massive void of nothingness that lies ahead once we stop wasting our worthless time and surrender to the eternal darkness that awaits us all. You all fucking suck. Every last fucking one of you. Except, of course, for my readers, who are the most amazing and funniest and brightest and prettiest and most aesthetically fulfilled people on this otherwise sad, pathetic, pointless planet.
You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.ru.
Just days after Chevrolet launched the “Technology and Stuff” campaign based on a televised gaffe by a nervous staff member, Ford has announced a new slogan of their own, “Turbos and Shit”.
“Chevy’s new trucks may have ‘Technology and Stuff,'” Ford spokesstuffer Sid Deet told a crowd of passers-by near her office in Dearborn, “But ‘Stuff’ won’t give you better performance or towing capability. If you want a truck that can really deliver, you need the all-new 2015 Ford F-150, which has Turbos and Shit.”
Unlike Chevrolet, Ford does not plan to use the new slogan as a hashtag.
“We did try sending out a tweet that said ‘New F-150 has #turbosandshit,'” explained Ford social media guru Scott “The Full” Monty, “but we got a bunch of replies asking what turbo sand shit was and why anyone would want it in their new pickup truck.”
Industry analysts said they thought Ford’s new slogan would resonate with consumers.
“Our research shows that when consumers are asked about Ford pickup trucks, they do associate them with turbos,” said Paul Eisensteinstatysteinstienstadtdtdt, chief multi-part-question-asker at The Detroit Bookie. “Unfortunately for Ford, they also associate them with shit.”
UPDATE: Chrysler has announced their own new slogan, “Polystyrene or Objects,” proving that they don’t understand anything about anything.
General Motors today announced that Chevrolet will announce a new diesel-powered Malibu wagon at next week’s New York Autonouncement Show.
“This is an effort to improve critical opinion of the Chevrolet Malibu among automotive influencers,” announced Chevrolet spokesannouncer Randy Dog. “The 2013 Malibu was poorly received by the press, and the updates we made for 2014 haven’t helped. So we’re going for broke. We’ve yet to meet an auto writer or blog commenter who doesn’t love a diesel wagon.”
The Malibu TDZ Diesel Sport Diesel Wagon will be powered by a 2.2 liter turbodiesel developing 150 horsepower and 460 lb-ft of torque.
“The Malibu Sportdiesel Wagon’s diesel engine was conceived and designed in Europe,” announced Dog. “It’s built in our GM European Diesel Plant in Europe, then shipped to Orion Township where the diesel-powered Malibu Dieselsport will be assembled. We then send the engine back to Europe to be inspected by a European guy who lives in Europe, then it returns to Michigan once more to be installed in the car. Anyone who says this isn’t a true European diesel can kiss my European ass.”
Asked of the addition of a diesel-powered wagon to the Malibu lineup was a move to pander to the press rather than provide a vehicle actually demanded by buyers, Dog announced, “You’re damn right we’re pandering to the press. It works for BMW and now we’re going to make it work for General Motors. Seriously, a 4-series with four doors and a hatchback? Who else but an underpaid and overpampered car-magazine hack would want one of those?”
The diesel-powered Malibu Sportdiesel Wagonsport wagon will come exclusively with a six-speed manual transmission, rear-wheel-drive, and hydraulic power steering. Fuel economy estimates have not been calculated, but Dog announced that they will be at least twenty percent lower than the car is actually capable of achieving, so that auto writers can point to their better-than-EPA figures as proof of how stupid the American public is for not embracing diesels.
Dog announced that the diesel wagon is expected to account for roughly 0.004% of 2015 Malibu sales, or about eight cars in total, six of which will be provided as long-term loaners to various car magazines.
“We’re very excited,” announced an excited Dog. “This will be the first time the Malibu has been available as a wagon with a diesel engine.” When Autoblopnik pointed out that the Malibu wagon was offered with an Oldsmobile diesel in 1982 and 1983, Dog announced, “Yes, but we like to pretend that never happened,” and then added, “Nerd.”
Days after General Motors mysteriously ordered dealers to stop selling certain versions of the Chevrolet Cruze, the formerly-Government-financed company finally issued an explanation for the unusual directive.
“Basically, we stopped selling the Cruze because it’s not a very good car,” said GM spokestopper Teddy Ragout. “It was two years out of date when we introduced in 2010, and it’s not exactly aging gracefully. Our new CEO said we’ve entered a new era of transparency, and the transparent truth is that our customers would be better off buying a Honda Civic.”
GM’s sales-stopping directive only affects Cruzes equipped with the 1.4 liter turbocharged engine.
“The 1.8 liter Cruze is still a good deal,” Ragout explained. “But $1,300 extra for an engine that produces the same amount of horsepower and saves you maybe three bucks a month in gas? No way, man. No friggin’ way.”
Asked if there were any other circumstances leading to the cessation of sales, Ragout says “Of course not. The only reason we’re pulling the Cruze off of the showroom floor is because we don’t like it very much.” He paused, then added, “That, and the slight possibility that the right-hand axle shaft could short-circuit the ignition switch and set the car on fire.”
Autoblopnik.com presents more new product news you won’t find anywhere else… thank goodness.
CAMARO: The front and rear fascias have been restyled, and all Camaros now come with a prescription for anti-depressants to help owners deal with the interior, which is as dark and dreary as ever.
CORVETTE: Redesigned for 2014, now called Corvette Stingray. We recommend the “Not A Cliche Yet” edition, which will only be available for six months.
IMPALA: All-new for 2014. A check made out to Consumer Reports is standard equipment.
MALIBU: Redesigned to address the faults of the 2013 model, with updated the exterior styling, improved back seats, and revised engine, transmission and suspension calibrations. GM says this was their second choice for a fix, but supplying every new Malibu with its own crusher was prohibitively expensive.
300: Unchanged. You got a problem with that, fuckface? Because if you do, we could step outside and talk about it.
TOWN AND COUNTRY: Chrysler’s minivan will remain unchanged through the 2017 model year as punishment for all those nasty things you said about the Dodge Dart.
AVENGER: Unchanged, which should come as a huge relief to the millions of traveling executives who might otherwise be forced to rent a halfway-decent car.
CHALLENGER: Several new colors are available, including Douchebag Yellow, Ridiculously Annoyingly Obnoxiously Hideous Green, and Nobody Knows I’m Gay Purple.
DART: New Alfa Giulietta Package includes rusted-out fenders and a rain-sensing engine that won’t start when the humidity rises above 65%.
VIPER: Discontinued. By fitting stability control to the 2013 model, Chrysler inadvertently cut off the supply of rich dickheads who wreck their Vipers and come back to buy another one.
More new product news coming soon, because frankly we haven’t thought up anything really funny this week.