General Motors today announced that Chevrolet will announce a new diesel-powered Malibu wagon at next week’s New York Autonouncement Show.
“This is an effort to improve critical opinion of the Chevrolet Malibu among automotive influencers,” announced Chevrolet spokesannouncer Randy Dog. “The 2013 Malibu was poorly received by the press, and the updates we made for 2014 haven’t helped. So we’re going for broke. We’ve yet to meet an auto writer or blog commenter who doesn’t love a diesel wagon.”
The Malibu TDZ Diesel Sport Diesel Wagon will be powered by a 2.2 liter turbodiesel developing 150 horsepower and 460 lb-ft of torque.
“The Malibu Sportdiesel Wagon’s diesel engine was conceived and designed in Europe,” announced Dog. “It’s built in our GM European Diesel Plant in Europe, then shipped to Orion Township where the diesel-powered Malibu Dieselsport will be assembled. We then send the engine back to Europe to be inspected by a European guy who lives in Europe, then it returns to Michigan once more to be installed in the car. Anyone who says this isn’t a true European diesel can kiss my European ass.”
Asked of the addition of a diesel-powered wagon to the Malibu lineup was a move to pander to the press rather than provide a vehicle actually demanded by buyers, Dog announced, “You’re damn right we’re pandering to the press. It works for BMW and now we’re going to make it work for General Motors. Seriously, a 4-series with four doors and a hatchback? Who else but an underpaid and overpampered car-magazine hack would want one of those?”
The diesel-powered Malibu Sportdiesel Wagonsport wagon will come exclusively with a six-speed manual transmission, rear-wheel-drive, and hydraulic power steering. Fuel economy estimates have not been calculated, but Dog announced that they will be at least twenty percent lower than the car is actually capable of achieving, so that auto writers can point to their better-than-EPA figures as proof of how stupid the American public is for not embracing diesels.
Dog announced that the diesel wagon is expected to account for roughly 0.004% of 2015 Malibu sales, or about eight cars in total, six of which will be provided as long-term loaners to various car magazines.
“We’re very excited,” announced an excited Dog. “This will be the first time the Malibu has been available as a wagon with a diesel engine.” When Autoblopnik pointed out that the Malibu wagon was offered with an Oldsmobile diesel in 1982 and 1983, Dog announced, “Yes, but we like to pretend that never happened,” and then added, “Nerd.”
Days after General Motors mysteriously ordered dealers to stop selling certain versions of the Chevrolet Cruze, the formerly-Government-financed company finally issued an explanation for the unusual directive.
“Basically, we stopped selling the Cruze because it’s not a very good car,” said GM spokestopper Teddy Ragout. “It was two years out of date when we introduced in 2010, and it’s not exactly aging gracefully. Our new CEO said we’ve entered a new era of transparency, and the transparent truth is that our customers would be better off buying a Honda Civic.”
GM’s sales-stopping directive only affects Cruzes equipped with the 1.4 liter turbocharged engine.
“The 1.8 liter Cruze is still a good deal,” Ragout explained. “But $1,300 extra for an engine that produces the same amount of horsepower and saves you maybe three bucks a month in gas? No way, man. No friggin’ way.”
Asked if there were any other circumstances leading to the cessation of sales, Ragout says “Of course not. The only reason we’re pulling the Cruze off of the showroom floor is because we don’t like it very much.” He paused, then added, “That, and the slight possibility that the right-hand axle shaft could short-circuit the ignition switch and set the car on fire.”
Autoblopnik.com presents more new product news you won’t find anywhere else… thank goodness.
CAMARO: The front and rear fascias have been restyled, and all Camaros now come with a prescription for anti-depressants to help owners deal with the interior, which is as dark and dreary as ever.
CORVETTE: Redesigned for 2014, now called Corvette Stingray. We recommend the “Not A Cliche Yet” edition, which will only be available for six months.
IMPALA: All-new for 2014. A check made out to Consumer Reports is standard equipment.
MALIBU: Redesigned to address the faults of the 2013 model, with updated the exterior styling, improved back seats, and revised engine, transmission and suspension calibrations. GM says this was their second choice for a fix, but supplying every new Malibu with its own crusher was prohibitively expensive.
300: Unchanged. You got a problem with that, fuckface? Because if you do, we could step outside and talk about it.
TOWN AND COUNTRY: Chrysler’s minivan will remain unchanged through the 2017 model year as punishment for all those nasty things you said about the Dodge Dart.
AVENGER: Unchanged, which should come as a huge relief to the millions of traveling executives who might otherwise be forced to rent a halfway-decent car.
CHALLENGER: Several new colors are available, including Douchebag Yellow, Ridiculously Annoyingly Obnoxiously Hideous Green, and Nobody Knows I’m Gay Purple.
DART: New Alfa Giulietta Package includes rusted-out fenders and a rain-sensing engine that won’t start when the humidity rises above 65%.
VIPER: Discontinued. By fitting stability control to the 2013 model, Chrysler inadvertently cut off the supply of rich dickheads who wreck their Vipers and come back to buy another one.
More new product news coming soon, because frankly we haven’t thought up anything really funny this week.
Chevrolet has revealed pre-sneak preview reveal photos of the new 2014 Corvette ahead of the scheduled sneak preview reveal, media preview, media reveal, public media preview, preview reveal, public preview, and public reveal, some or all of which are scheduled for next week’s North American International Auto Show Reveal in Detroit preview.
Media previewers were shocked to learn that the new Corvette looks nothing like the photos and images that have been circulating on the Web for months.
“It’s true, the new 2014 Corvette looks a lot like the 2013 Malibu,” sneaked Chevrolet spokesman Monte Carlo. “Actually, it is the 2013 Malibu, which has been rebadged as the Corvette.”
Carlo said the change in body style was simply a matter of marketing.
“The terms ‘2014 Corvette’ and ‘C7 Corvette’ have received over three hundred billion hits on Google in the last twelve months,” he Googled. “Meanwhile, the term ‘Chevrolet Malibu’ has returned just four, at least 25% of which appear to be spelling errors. By changing the name of the car to Corvette, we’re hoping to raise Chevrolet’s profile in the mid-size sedan market.”
“This is a big change for Chevrolet,” analyzed Paul Eisensteinalysis, analyst for The Detroit Bureaucrat. “By changing the name of the Malibu, Chevrolet will change the car’s name, and that represents a major change for Chevrolet, particularly to the name of the Malibu.”
As for what will happen to the Malibu, Carlo said, “I can’t really comment on future product, but you can expect the Malibu to re-emerge as a two-door fiberglass-bodied V8-powered coupe that will do nothing to change the perception that Americans don’t know jack shit about building sports cars.”
Asked about the alleged spy photos and computer-generated mock-ups that have appeared on sites such as Jablopnik and Autoblag, Carlo said, “Those are just some old photos from the C5 development program. Can you believe they took that shit seriously? It’s like those mid-engine Corvette rumors from twenty years ago — turns out if you say the Corvette will be anything other than a plastic rear-drive coupe with an iron-block V8, it generates a shit-ton of ink. Seriously, man, you guys are too fucking easy. Hey, we’re off the record, right?”
In an effort to put a definitive end to the Camaro vs. Mustang horsepower race, Chevrolet says they are working on a new Camaro that produces one million horsepower.
“After we introduced the Camaro ZL1 with 580 horsepower, Ford responded with the 650 horsepower Shelby GT500,” said Chevrolet spokesrepresentative Monte Carlo. “We had no choice but to make a definitive response that would put Camaro at the top of the heap where it belongs.”
Carlo said the new high-horsepower Camaro will be powered by a variant of the 6.2 liter supercharged LSA engine found in the current Camaro ZL1. Asked how the company planned to get one million horsepower from the engine, Carlo said, “We plan to leverage the technology developed by our business partner, the U.S. Government, which has a long history of developing superior transportation technology. There was the Saturn V rocket, which developed over 38 million horsepower on alternative fuels, not to mention the 100 MPG carburetor that OPEC doesn’t want you to have. We’re pretty sure they can help us get the LSA to a million horsepower, and in a much shorter time frame than we could do on our own. Then all we need to do is pick a few meaningless letters to use as a model name, and it’s good-bye Mustang.”
“I guess Ford shouldn’t have been so quick to turn down federal funding,” Carlo added.
GM says the million-horsepower Camaro should be ready to go on sale early in the 2015 model year. Asked how development of the million-horsepower engine was progressing, Carlo said, “To be honest, we haven’t really started on it yet. We’re sort of having trouble getting the government to return our phone calls. Still, we’re confident we can deliver the product on time. You should see the tape stripes we’ve developed for this car. They are bitchin’.”
In response to GM’s announcement, Ford issued a statement saying they are working on a new Mustang that will deliver “somewhere in the neighborhood of a billion jillion horsepower. And unlike the Camaro, you’ll be able to see out of it. Pthpthpthpth!!”
Hot on the heels of a Chevrolet Volt bursting into flames three weeks after a crash test because no one could be bothered to read the manual, General Motors’ innovative range-extended electric hybrid car is once again under fire over alleged safety concerns.
Citizens United for New Technology, a Denver-based consumer advocate group that no one has ever heard of, is calling the Volt “unacceptably dangerous,” saying the car has potential to cause serious head injury after an incident involving a valet in Reno, Nevada.
CUfNT alleges that Norman “Rod” Hailey, 19, a part-time community college student who has been parking cars at the Adventure Inn and Wedding Chapel since late last month, struck his head on the Volt’s roof while getting in to park it. Hailey treated his own injury by putting his hand on his head and yelling “Ow! Fuck, dude!” and was able to return to work after a couple of seconds of rehabilitation.
“This is a serious safety flaw,” said CUfNT spokesman Daniel Waiting. “It’s a miracle that young Mr. Hailey’s injuries from this serious safety flaw weren’t more serious. Head injuries cause concussions, bleeding, even death. How many people have to die before this serious safety flaw is addressed? How much carnage must litter our highways before General Motors acknowledges that the Volt is an unacceptably dangerous car with serious safety flaws that are serious?”
Mr. Hailey blames the accident on his own inattention, saying he was staring at what he calls a “totally hot MILF” with “a righteous rack” and “a booty you could bounce all night long” who was getting out of a vehicle nearby, but Waiting dismissed this as irrelevant.
“Totally do-able MILFs show up to shady Reno hotels all the time,” says Waiting. “General Motors should have designed the Volt for this possibility. Instead they’ve built an unacceptably dangerous car with serious safety flaws that make it seriously dangerous. Sorry, I mean unacceptably dangerous.”
CUfNT is calling on General Motors to recall the Chevrolet Volt and every other car they’ve ever made and “just do something.”
“The Nissan Leaf has never been involved in an incident like this,” Waiting points out. “Why can’t General Motors do anything as well as the Japanese?”
Asked for a comment by Autoblopnik, a General Motors spokesperson pointed out that the nearest Nissan Leaf is owned by a woman in Sacramento, California, 132 miles away, and does not have enough range to drive to Reno.
Chevrolet has released a teaser photo and initial details of a new retro-styled rear-wheel-drive coupe that it says is right for today’s style- and economy-conscious market.
“In the conceptualization of this new car, we looked at the most successful aspects of current in-market products,” said Chevrolet spokesman Michael Vincent “Captain Lou” Albano. “Consumers are excited by rear-wheel-drive cars like the Subaru BRZ, retro cars like the MINI and Beetle, and economy-minded sporty cars like the Hyundai Veloster. We believe that by drawing on GM’s traditional strengths, we can blend all of those elements in one vehicle.”
Albano says the car features several retro details as illustrated in the teaser shot, including round sealed-beam headlights, stamped-metal wheel covers, and what Albano describes as “an available wood-trim applique”. The styling, he says, will look “strikingly familiar to Americans old enough to remember Paul Simon before he ruined his career with that stupid Graceland album.”
GM has not released technical specifications, and Albano would only say that the car is based on “an existing platform” and “makes extensive use of proven components.” Insiders tell Autoblopnik that in order to keep costs down, the 1.6 liter engine will be carbureted, and transmission choices will include a 4-speed manual and a non-computerized 3-speed automatic. Albano would neither confirm nor deny, but did acknowledge the application of what he calls “heritage technology,” adding that the new car will achieve 43 MPG on the highway.
Chevrolet has not announced the new car’s name, only saying that it is a portmanteau that means “small Chevrolet” and “reflects the car’s relationship to powerful performance icons like the Corvette.” Alleged automotive supersite Edmitts.com speculates that the car will be called “Minicorvchevy” and used their proprietary high-end computer imaging software to extrapolate a composite image based on the teaser photo.
“The new car will go on sale in the first quarter of 1975,” said Albano. “Um, sorry, I mean 2015.”
Chevrolet’s announcement of the new Australian-built rear-drive V8-powered SS sedan, which comes hot on the heels of weeks of speculation, a low-volume police model, and an identical model line terminated solely because the division that sold them was shut down, nevertheless met with gleeful shock and awe from automotive journalists, who fell all over each other to report the story.
“In all my months in the industry, I never imagined GM would build a car like this,” said John Fajyna, automotive blogger and Best Buy cashier from Torrance, California. “I heard a rumor that they made something similar back in the ’00s before my career began. But a modern car? In this modern age? Fackin’ nails!”
BestCarSite92.com, which would have been first to report on the SS had the webmaster not forgotten his WordPress password, duly and obediently reported from the press release that the Chevy SS will be “a four-door sedan based on the Australian-market Holden Commodore with rear-wheel-drive and V-8 power, most likely offering both 5.7 liter and 6.2 liter engines, and will probably look almost exactly like the Commodore but with a different grille and badges,” then added, “God, why does that sound so familiar?”
Self-described automotive supersite Edmitts.com immediately had General Motors fly a half-dozen correspondants to Italy to review two matching Opel Corsa OPCs, which they say “were designed by GM in another country and taken as a pair have eight cylinders, and so should give us some idea of how the new Chevrolet SS will drive.” They also had a team of captive artists use their proprietary software to generate a composite image, speculating what the new SS might look like.
Asked by Autoblopnik if the SS wouldn’t just be a civilian version of the Caprice Police Pursuit Vehicle, itself a stretched Pontiac G8, a GM spokesindividual said, “Absolutely not. The two cars share no common parts, except for the frame, hood, deck lid, fenders, front suspension and its attachment hardware, brakes, doors, door handles, seats, climate control system, most of the wiring, roof, windows, rear suspension, body trim, ashtray, wheels, dashboard, gauges, mufflers and shift lever. They are completely different vehicles.”
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