This year’s Detroit Auto Show was heavily* sponsored by the Steel Market Development Institute, including placards throughout the show extolling the virtues of steel and a large display adjacent to the media center which journalists could not fail to miss, though many managed to do so anyway.
* See what we did there?
“Our goal is to remind the media that steel is still the best material from which to construct today’s vehicles,” said steel industry spokesperson Al Luminumcankissmyass.
Among the facts we learned about steel:
- Steel is environmentally friendly. While cars made from aluminum must undergo expensive and time-consuming end-of-life recycling programs, steel cars will simply rust away to nothing.
- Airplanes are made of aluminum. When airplanes crash, everyone dies. Therefore, aluminum is a killer. A KILLER!
- British and American people can’t agree on how to pronounce ‘aluminum’. Everyone can pronounce ‘steel’, even tea-drinking socialists with bad teeth.
- Aluminum must be extruded, a process that looks disturbingly like a machine making a poopie.
- Would you root for a football team called the Pittsburgh Aluminumers? Or buy records from a band called Aluminum Panthers?
- 99% of harmful emissions come from older vehicles. The rusting process lightens vehicles over time, reducing the fuel consumption and emissions of older cars.
- Soda cans are made out of aluminum. Soda makes you fat. Therefore, aluminum cars will make you fat.
- No one ever says “Aluminum yourself for bad news.”
- Steel is heavier than aluminum, increasing fuel consumption, draining Arab oil resources, and hastening the day when those camel-riding megalomaniacs will no longer be able to hold the threat of a reduced oil supply over our heads.
- If Superman were called the Man of Aluminum, they’d laugh him right out of the Justice League.
- East Germany built cars that weren’t made out of steel. Today, East Germany doesn’t exist. Ergo, if America stops building cars out of steel, America will cease to exist.
- Aluminum is harder to weld than steel. The more vehicles made from aluminum, the less likely it is that Monster Garage will make a comeback.
You can learn more about steel at the steel industry’s new web site, PeopleWhoBuyCarsMadeFromAluminumHateAmerica.com.
A Nebraska startup today revealed a new electric hypercar called the Ohm Resistor at the Costumer Electric Shoe (CES) in Las Vegas.
The company said that the production version of the Ohm Resistor will develop 25,000 horsepower at the wheels, enough to launch the car to 60 MPH in one-eighth of a second. Top speed will be just over one million miles per hour.
The announcement brought immediate comparison to the 1,000 horsepower Faraday Future concept car, also announced at the Consumption Electric Shock (CES), but Ohm spokesresistor Georg Simon was quick to point out that the Resistor is “a real car, not a concept,” and that the announcement of two electric hypercars “in no way marks the start of a flurry of electric-vehicle startups who rip off Tesla by naming their companies after long-dead scientists who had something to do with electricity.”
Sources in the industry say we can expect to see more high-performance electric vehicles from new startups during this auto show season, including the Ampere Current, the Coulomb Law, and the Gauss Fluxtheorem.
Mr. Simon said that he believed the Resistor would compare favorably with other electric cars, and that its performance would “make the Tesla curl up in a coil” and “put the Faraday in a cage.”
The interview was then terminated abruptly when our correspondent punched Mr. Simon in the throat.
© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to AG
The 2015 Los Angeles Auto Show is, like, so totally in Los Angeles! California correspondent Callie Fornyakor-Espondent reports on some of the car that were, like, totally at the show.
I saw the new Hyundai Elantra and I was so like, eeew! What is this, the car that you drive from your crappy one-room in the Valley to your $10-an-hour job as a cashier at Ross? Um, like, no! This is so North Hollywood and I am, like, so, like, Beverly Hills adjacent. Which way to the BMW stand?
Alfa-Romeo Giulia Quatrofoglio
Is this, like, Italian? Oh my God, I love Italian!
Porsche Cayman GT4
OMG this is looks like so frickin’ fast! I drove a Porsche once, and I was all like, okay, take this away from me before I totally lose my license. And then I went to Rocco’s, and Becky showed up with some guy in a Jaguar, and she was all thinking she was, like, it, and then she saw me and she was like so super-J!
Fiat 124 Spyder
West Hollywood is over that way, honey.
Mercedes-Benz S-Class Cabriolet
So there’s this guy and he’s standing next to me at the Mercedes booth? And he’s all like, hey, you want to go topless in an S-class? And I was so totally going to smack him, and he’s all, like, no, this is the S-Class Cabriolet, it’s like the first S-Class with a removable roof since the 1970s, and was thinking, dude, I wasn’t even alive in the 1970s, and if you drove one of these, you would have to take me somewhere really expensive, and don’t even think you’re getting past second base, but he was kind of cute, so I said so what do you drive, and he said a Camaro, and I was all like, oops, I have to go meet my boyfriend at the Audi booth, bye! Loser.
Range Rover Evoque
Oh. My. GOD! Want, want, want! I was second lead in this indie and it’s like so like in development hell, but as soon as it gets the green light, which my agent says will happen any minute now, I am, like, so getting one of these, and when Autoblog drives by and thinks they’re all hot in their Porsche Macan Turbo, I’ll be all like, “Later, bitches!”
There were more cars, but I, like, had this audition? It’s a cattle call, but it’s a numbers game, you know? You have to put yourself out there or you’ll never be out there, that’s what my voice coach tells me. Later! Love you! Text me! Bye!
©, like, Autoblopnik
The 2014 Los Angeles Auto Show is now closed to the public, so good luck saying that anything we are about to report is incorrect. Pthpth. Here am some highlights from the show.
Jaguar announced that the F-TYPE will now have a six-speed manual transmission. The white car shown on display was originally orange; draw your own conclusions about the reaction of the assembled journalists. The press conference included a mass hypnosis session in which all were convinced to forget what Jaguar said about the automatic-only F-Type being perfectly fine.
Mazda introduced its new subcompact crossover, the CX-3, while at a nearby booth Nissan displayed the new Murano. Both companies confirmed they are competing to see who can design the most ridiculous-looking D-pillar.
Audi unveiled its new Prologue concept, which Audi Designhead Marc Lichte described as “the future of Audi embodied in a single vehicle.” Asked to elaborate, Lichte told Autoblopnik.com, “Since they all look alike and drive alike, we figure we might as well just sell one single vehicle with different badges. Think of the money we’ll save!”
Hyundai showed an aging rock star, but would not confirm rumors of a recent face lift. Performance was amazing.
Mitsubishi unveiled the sharp-looking XR-PHEV concept, which will feature in their TV and online ads along with a new tagline, “Mitsubishi: Please stop talking shit about the Mirage.”
Lexus continued a long-standing auto show tradition by showing the LF-C2 Concept and pretending it wasn’t the upcoming RC convertible.
Toyota displayed their new Mirai hydrogen fuel-cell car, which goes on sale to the public next year. Toyota says they plan to compensate for the lack of hydrogen fuel stations by making a car so ugly that few people will want to buy it, a strategy they said worked brilliantly well for the Echo.
Chevrolet showed a diesel-powered version of the Colorado, though it did not elicit the expected reaction as most show-goers were still spent from their reaction to the manual Jaguar F-Type.
BMW displayed a new X6M called the “P.T. Barnum Edition.” They expect to sell about one per minute.
Ford showed a new edition of the Mustang called the Shelby GT-350, which they said will develop over 500 horsepower from what appears to be a naturally-aspirated 5.2 liter V8. Asked how the car could produce such astronomical power figures without forced induction, a Mustang engineer told Autoblopnik.com, “What do you mean, without forced induction? Here, I’ll show you the… wait, where did… oh, sweet mother of Jesus. Excuse me, I have to make a phone call.”
Ford also unveiled the facelifted Explorer, with a new grille that makes it look more like a Ford SUV and less like a personal grooming device. Under the hood is a new 2.3 liter EcoBoost engine with fuel economy estimates of 20 MPG city and 28 MPG highway. Ford stressed that those numbers are “preliminary,” which at Ford means “over-estimated by roughly 35%”.
Finally, Volkswagen showed the Golf R Sportwagen, which combines the body of the Sportwagen [sic] with the Golf R’s 296 horsepower all-wheel-drive powertrain [sick]. Said one journalist, “Wait, a stick-shift F-Type, a diesel Colorado, and now this? What do you think we are, porn stars?”
More photos from the Los Angeles Auto Show:
This week, the Specialty Equipment Manufacturing Association Show, better know as SEMA, is taking place in Las Vegas, Nevada. Closed to the general public, SEMA provides a unique opportunity for manufacturers of aftermarket vehicle parts to pay copious amounts of money for the privilege of showing their newest products to their competitors.
A typical SEMA attendee is Tim Fartzrite, owner of Fartzrite Kustomz in Unfortunate Fallz, Wiskonsin, who told Autoblopnik.com, “This was by far the best SEMA show I’ve ever attended! I got five free hats, a couple of free T-shirts, four free magazines, at least two dozen free pens, and a bunch of free stickers, plus I ate at least fifteen pounds of free candy. It was well worth the $2,800 I paid for plane tickets, hotel, and show admission.”
Along with product displays and crowds of people who specialize in walking slowly and stopping without warning or reason, attendees enjoyed the educational opportunities provided by SEMA’s many seminars. This year’s topics included “Small Business Survival in the New Regulatory Environment,” “The EPA and You: You’re Fucked,” “Ten Signs Your Escort Has Venereal Disease,” and “Telling Your Spouse You Lost The Kids’ College Fund at the Blackjack Table: Best Practices”.
This year’s SEMA show featured a special display area for new exhibitors. Companies occupying the
tent special pavilion included:
- Fengbung Wu Xiang Tire Concern Ltd., which makes shoddily-engineered tires for poorly-maintained trucks and buses.
- Shen Win Fun Bang Ltd. Co, which produces low-cost suspension parts without the high overhead associated with environmentally-friendly manufacturing methods, child labor laws, and proper metallurgy.
- Wing Sheng Ghenxiou Raptor Star Industry Electricated LLC, which imports and sells LED lighting accessories and young Chinese women.
- Flowz-Rite, an Illinois-based manufacturer of tubular exhaust headers that has learned a valuable lesson about booking a cheap booth at SEMA.
“Yes, SEMA is a very important show for me,” said Dick Smasher, owner of Dick Smasher’z Tuner Partz, responding to Autoblopnik.com‘s question about whether SEMA was a very important show for him. “Buying an overpriced booth so I can give out thousands of expensive brochures to people who will look at then once and then throw them away is vital to the success of my business. Besides, the novelty of writing off hookers, vodka and baccarat as business expenses never gets old.”
Mazda celebrated the 25th anniversary of the MX-5 with a display of historic Miatas, including two of the original cars revealed at the 1989 Chicago Auto Show. The exhibit was closed after one day when Mazda realized it reminded people how much smaller, lighter and better the Miata used to be.
Chevrolet revealed the 2015 Trax, a small SUV described as “a Buick Encore for people under the age of 80”.
One of the few concept vehicles revealed at the show, the Land Rover Discovery Vision features a “Smart Glass” system which projects graphics into the windshield. The system can be used off-road to show the terrain immediately ahead, and on-road to show a world where the Discovery isn’t fucking up the environment and sucking down our dwindling oil reserves.
Nissan introduced an all-new Murano, explaining that the front-end styling was inspired by the Sport Sedan Concept revealed earlier this year in Detroit, while the rear-end styling was inspired by one of the designers having a seizure while working on the clay model.
Chrysler revealed the restyled 2015 Dodge Charger, which trades the old car’s aggressive styling for a kinder, gentler front end modeled after the Dart. Chrysler did not reveal how much weight they saved by cutting off the Charger’s testicles.
Ford announced a 50th Anniversary Edition of the new 2015 Ford Mustang which will reach dealerships just in time for the Mustang’s 51st anniversary.
Volkswagen unveiled the facelifted 2015 Jetta. VW officials say they were able to cut 18 months from the development schedule and reduce costs by nearly half by making the new car identical the old one.
Bentley announced that it will return to the American motorsports scene in conjunction with Dyson Racing, a Poughkeepsie, NY-based racing team unrelated to the UK vacuum cleaner manufacturer. Autoblopnik regrets this, as we were really looking forward to writing a joke about a pairing between British things that suck.
Jeep announced that this happened, sort of.
Mitsubishi staged a press event that included a pyrotechnics display, a performance by the Swedish Nude Ballet, the announcement of a new Pope, and a ritual human sacrifice. It received no press coverage whatsoever.
Volvo revealed a picture of the dashboard of a car that won’t go on sale for another two years, and it still received more coverage than Mitsubishi’s press event.
Hyundai unveiled the 2015 Sonata mid-size sedan with more sedate styling and engines with reduced horsepower and torque. New CEO Dave Zucchini said Hyundai is attempting to emulate the success model of Toyota by making product decisions that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Fiat showed the Alfa-Romeo 4C, a lightweight mid-engine sports car, and announced firm plans to bring it to the US market. Since the announcement, sperm banks across the New York metropolitan area have been reporting an alarming decrease in donations.
Finally, Honda announced that their upcoming subcompact crossover utility vehicle will be called the HR-V. Other Hondas that make sexually suggestive comments or otherwise act inappropriately will be sent to it for disciplinary action.
General Motors today announced that Chevrolet will announce a new diesel-powered Malibu wagon at next week’s New York Autonouncement Show.
“This is an effort to improve critical opinion of the Chevrolet Malibu among automotive influencers,” announced Chevrolet spokesannouncer Randy Dog. “The 2013 Malibu was poorly received by the press, and the updates we made for 2014 haven’t helped. So we’re going for broke. We’ve yet to meet an auto writer or blog commenter who doesn’t love a diesel wagon.”
The Malibu TDZ Diesel Sport Diesel Wagon will be powered by a 2.2 liter turbodiesel developing 150 horsepower and 460 lb-ft of torque.
“The Malibu Sportdiesel Wagon’s diesel engine was conceived and designed in Europe,” announced Dog. “It’s built in our GM European Diesel Plant in Europe, then shipped to Orion Township where the diesel-powered Malibu Dieselsport will be assembled. We then send the engine back to Europe to be inspected by a European guy who lives in Europe, then it returns to Michigan once more to be installed in the car. Anyone who says this isn’t a true European diesel can kiss my European ass.”
Asked of the addition of a diesel-powered wagon to the Malibu lineup was a move to pander to the press rather than provide a vehicle actually demanded by buyers, Dog announced, “You’re damn right we’re pandering to the press. It works for BMW and now we’re going to make it work for General Motors. Seriously, a 4-series with four doors and a hatchback? Who else but an underpaid and overpampered car-magazine hack would want one of those?”
The diesel-powered Malibu Sportdiesel Wagonsport wagon will come exclusively with a six-speed manual transmission, rear-wheel-drive, and hydraulic power steering. Fuel economy estimates have not been calculated, but Dog announced that they will be at least twenty percent lower than the car is actually capable of achieving, so that auto writers can point to their better-than-EPA figures as proof of how stupid the American public is for not embracing diesels.
Dog announced that the diesel wagon is expected to account for roughly 0.004% of 2015 Malibu sales, or about eight cars in total, six of which will be provided as long-term loaners to various car magazines.
“We’re very excited,” announced an excited Dog. “This will be the first time the Malibu has been available as a wagon with a diesel engine.” When Autoblopnik pointed out that the Malibu wagon was offered with an Oldsmobile diesel in 1982 and 1983, Dog announced, “Yes, but we like to pretend that never happened,” and then added, “Nerd.”