Hi, beautiful intelligent people! I’ve just come back from driving the Jaguar F-TYPE Coupe at Willow Springs International Raceway. It’s always good fun to share the track with a bunch of spoiled automotive writers who brag about their racing credentials and then get out there and run a line that looks like Michael J. Fox’s autograph. I could have outrun every single one of those guys in my Honda, blindfolded with my hands and feet bound and with a dwarf giving me a blowjob, but of course I didn’t drive anywhere near that fast because I don’t want to show everyone up. I did manage to smoke the brakes on a few cars and flat-spot the tires on a couple more, but that’s because I’m awesome. And yet Jaguar took this to mean that I was “driving too aggressively” and asked me to leave the track. Jacktards.
After the track it was off to dinner with the geriatric NACATOTY shuffle-steerers and the ever-more-irrelevant print magazine “journalists”. It’s always amusing to sit down and hear these guys compare the evening’s fare to the Bentley breakfast in Buenos Aires or the S-Class spread in Stuttgart. Truth is, you could substitute shit for the shiitakes on their filet mignon and most of these wannabes wouldn’t know the difference. I’ve enjoyed better meals in Malaysian whorehouses. No, seriously, the food in Malaysian whorehouses is really good. Not that my “colleagues” would know this. Dickwagons.
So how is the Jaguar F-TYPE Coupe? It amazes me how journalists get all excited by a loud exhaust and some fake wood on the dash. Truth is this is just another English shitpile that will generate enough warranty claims to fund the defense budget of Uganda, but the so-called “journalists” don’t care because by then they’ll be busy with the Panamera preview in Peru or the Sonata soiree in Switzerland, and even if they did attempt to feign some interest in the plight of the real-world buyer with whom they are so desperately out of touch, they’d never risk terminating that next trip to Tunisia by writing anything bad about the car. Yes it’s fast but the truth is a skilled helmsmith like myself can make better time in my amazingly awesome Accord, the most perfect car ever crafted by man, not that I would want to do that of course because then I would embarrass the Jaguar engineers who seem to think they’ve created something truly excellent. Titwankers.
Not that any of this matters, because automotive journalism is dead. It’s just a bunch of PR flacks flying a bunch of overfed hacks around the world so the can write fancy stories telling acne-faced 19-year-olds who can’t afford a car anyway how awesome their lives are. The truth is that the car buying public doesn’t read anything we write. They will happily drive whatever piece of automotive mediocrity they can get for $99 down and $249 a month with free extended warranty and paint sealant. The general public are mindless sheep and don’t give a green shit about cars, the exception being the people who read my web site who are the brightest and sweetest-smelling people in the world. Pigfuckers.
You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.com.
Shades of classic E,
Menacing looks promise speed.
Too bad it won’t start.
- Model/price as tested: 2015 Jaguar F-Type S Coupe, $111,925
- Powertrain: 5.0 liter supercharged V8, 550 hp, rear-wheel-drive
- Performance: 0-60 4.0 seconds, top speed 190 MPH
Disclaimer: Autoblopnik may or may not have been present at a press event to which selected members of the media were invited. Or we might have just looked longingly at an F-Type through a dealer showroom window while we waited for the oil to be changed on our Dodge Colt.
Just days after Jaguar Land Rover announced a record profit of £1.9 billion (approximately $23 trillion in US funds), Ford announced that its 2008 sale to Indian automaker Tata was invalid.
“Yes, it’s true that the deal appeared to be legal and binding,” said Ford spokeslawyer Sue DiBastid. “However, our representative had his fingers crossed behind his back while signing the final paperwork, which invalidates the sale.”
Tata’s chief council Sol Lissiter said that he and the rest of Tata’s legal team had forseen such a possibility, and had protected the company’s interests by shouting “No backsies!” immediately after affixing his signature. However, DiBastid disputes the legitimacy of Tata’s no-backsies claim.
“Everyone knows that ‘no backsies’ only counts if it is said by the owner of the property in question,” DiBastid told Autoblopnik. “Solly can shout ‘no backsies’ until his face turns blue, the oceans turn to glue, and the sun and the moon go to Timbuktu, but that doesn’t make the sale of Jaguar Land Rover valid.”
Ford and Tata reportedly exchanged several angry memos covering topics that included deficiencies in each other’s personal hygiene, the presence of fecal matter in their cranial cavities, and the frequency and lack of discretion with which their respective mothers choose new sexual partners.
The two companies had originally agreed to settle the matter with a physical altercation behind the Ford headquarters building after office hours. However, all talk of the dispute abruptly ceased after it was announced that Tata had recieved a Playstation 4 as an early birthday present, and that its mother was allowing the company to invite friends over to play video games on a school night, but just this once as a special treat.
Several automakers, including BMW, Audi, Toyota and General Motors, have announced that they will halt all sports car development and production in light of the financial uncertainty surrounding Germay’s famed Nürburgring racetrack.
“Development at the Nürburgring has become the price of entry for high-performance cars,” said General Motors spokestalker Teddy Cardigan, speaking on the condition that we paid for lunch. “There is simply no other track like it in the world. If we can’t develop cars like the Corvette ZR1 and Cadillac CTS-V on the Nürburgring, then screw it, we don’t want to develop them at all.”
The famed German racetrack has been considering a bankruptcy filing since July, and attempts to secure public funding for a bailout loan have run into problems.
Audi spokesmein Helmut Schickelgruber expressed concern about the potential impact of new track management on the automaker’s development costs. “We don’t sink ze Nürburgring will close for good, but we’re concerned about what ze new owners will do to the rates. At 26 Euros per lap we can afford to go around a few times, but if ze price goes up, it could wreak havoc with our development budget. We just can’t take zat chance, so we are halting production of our S and R series cars immediately.”
Toyota, which used the Nürburgring for development of the Lexus LFA supercar, said they experimented with fine-tuning the car at famous American racetracks, but stopped after realizing they would not be able to evaluate performance in right-hand turns. Fortunately, they said, of the 500 LFAs built, they still have enough unsold cars to meet demand until the year 2307.
Jaguar Cars Limited, which has been testing their new XFR-S at the Nürburgring in recent months, was unconcerned about the tracks’ financial troubles. “We’re a British car company,” explained spokeschap Sir Nigel Peter Jesus Victoria Withington-Smythe III OBE, Second Earl of Batterson-on-Sea. “Bankruptcy doesn’t bother us.”