Buick, which fired spokesgolfer Tiger Woods in 2010 because of his marital infidelity, has now re-hired the champion golfer for the same reason.
“We originally chose to terminate our relationship with Mr. Woods because his extramarital activities offended the family-value-oriented sensibilities of our traditional customer base,” said Buick spokesman Frank Astronomically, speaking on the condition that we pretended not to notice his mole. “But in order to revitalize the brand, we need to get rid of those pathetic old prunes and bring in some new blood. Basically, we want cooler customers who think that that a famous athlete getting a little on the side isn’t such a bad thing.”
According to Astronomically, Woods will be featured in a series of magazine ads with taglines like “Verano Turbo: Score!”, “LaCrosse: Get inside one today!” and “Regal GS: Hot and tight!”
Astronomically confirmed that Woods’ contract includes the provision that he remarry immediately and then bang at least one new hot babe every three weeks, and that he will be subject to random genital inspections to ensure compliance. No word was given on his future spouse, but a source at Fagelien, Franacranch and Figliggie, Buick’s advertising agency of record, revealed that negotiations with Katie Holmes were ongoing.
Mr. Woods could not be reached for comment, but promised to grant us an exclusive interview in October provided we sent an attractive female correspondent with large breasts and an unfulfilled need for approval from her father.