A story pitch received by Autoblonik yesterday, yesterday
A story pitch received by Autoblonik yesterday, yesterday

A company that has something to do with British license plates has created a pair of instructional videos for their customers, who they apparently think are complete fucking idiots.

News of the videos came in the form of an e-mail story pitch which, for reasons that the sender will no doubt have a difficult time explaning in her upcoming disciplinary review, was sent to Autoblopnik.com.

“Our new videos present a comprehensive guide to removing your old number plate and putting on a new one,” said a company spokesperson, speaking slowly and using lots of illustrations and hand gestures.

“This is a highly intense task that involves complex tools such as a screwdriver,” she continued. “Our videos provide useful safety tips, such advising the viewer to place the tip of the screwdriver against the slot in the screw instead of ramming it into their ear. We also remind the viewer that the number plate should be attached to the car rather than placed atop a church spire in South Harrow.”

The videos, which can be seen here and here, were produced to promote whatever it is the site is selling, which wasn’t clearly spelled out in the story pitch received by Autoblopnik.com. The solicitation did, however, contain a generous offer to write the story for us should we find ourselves too lazy to do it on our own.

“We plan a whole series of instructional videos for the less-than-bright,” explained the spokeswoman. “Our next video will be aimed at junior-level public relations workers, advising them to take a few minutes to read through a web site before sending them a PR pitch, and that using the recipient’s first name will not fool a savvy journalist into thinking this is anything but a cut-and-paste job, especially when the email contains grammatical errors including glaring subject-verb disagreements and no fewer than three different font sizes.

“Our goal is to help them avoid doing anything monumentally stupid that could injure themselves or their career,” she continued, “such as accidentally zip-tying their fingers to their own car or pitching a tantalizingly ridiculous story to a parody web site in a different country.”

© Autoblopnik.com