Hyundai has announced details of the facelifted 2013 Sonata, including a radically lower price and a long list of industry-first ameneties.
“We tried leading the mid-size segment in styling, but then the goddamned Kia Optima came along and hammered the shit out of us,” explained Hyundai’s foul-mouth spokesman Miles Trailer. “We tried the 35 MPG thing, but my grandmother can’t even get that kind of mileage out of the goddamned car, and she’s dead. And don’t even get me started on the hybrid. What a clusterfuck that was. So we said, ‘Fuck it, let’s go back and do the value thing.’”
The 2013 Sonata will include several new technologies as standard equipment, including active noise-cancelling leather seats, nineteen-zone climate control, and a magical horse named Phillip who can grant wishes. The optional Preferred Plus Package includes a personal valet, a solid gold lawn furniture set, and a pink helicopter that can fly to the sun, while the top-of-the-line Limited model adds a six-bedroom condo in Tahiti and a direct phone line to the White House.
In addition, Hyundai is expanding it’s warranty to cover the car for ten thousand years or one hundred billion miles, whichever comes first.
“Value has always been a core pillar of,” said Hyundai of America CEO John Hotchick, who then abruptly wandered off because he was distracted by something shiny.
“I think he was going to say that value has always been a core pillar of Hyundai, or some shit like that,” said Trailor. “Point is, our cars used to be dirt fucking cheap, now they aren’t, and people still don’t want to be seen in a piss-Christing Hyundai. So we’re going back to that whole shitloads-of-equipment thing, and… John! John! Put that lady down!”
Hyundai has not announced pricing, but Trailer says a nicely-equipped Sonata will retail for “about a dollar twenty five,” adding, “Let’s see you beat that, you Kiassholes!”