A Hyundai being fuel-efficient, yesterday
A Hyundai being fuel-efficient, yesterday

Hyundai, which touts itself as “America’s most fuel-efficient car company,” announced that all of its vehicles will achieve 60,000 miles per gallon by 2025, exceeding the upcoming CAFE standards by 59,945.5 MPG.

“Of course people are saying it can’t be done,” said Hyundai spokesachiever Miles Trailer. “They said the same thing about the hundred-thousand mile warranty, and about our Hyundai Assurance buy-back program, and about building a credible rear-wheel-drive luxury car for under $40,000. We achieved all of those goals, and we’ll achieve this one, too. Fuckin’-A.”

“The only way to achieve such an astronomical number would be to violate the second law of thermodynamics,” industry analyst George “Big” Peter of AutoPathetic told Autoblopnik.com. “But Hyundai has always enjoyed a close relationship with the South Korean government, so it wouldn’t surprise me if they’re able to get the law changed.”

“Of course, 60,000 MPG isn’t really 60,000 MPG,” explained duelling industry analyst Paul Einsteinstienstadt of The Detritus Bureau. “With EPA credits and other loopholes, it’s likely that none of the cars will get much higher than 45,000 MPG.”

“Eisensteinstienstadt is a two-bit press-trip junkie who couldn’t analyze his way out of a paper bag,” Peter rebutted. “Hyundai has a proven track record here, and if they say their cars will get 60,000 MPG, they’ll get 60,000 MPG. Perhaps if Paul spent more time actually analyzing the industry and less time boffing my wife, he’d get something right for a change.”

In Detroit, the Big Three were quick to respond. General Motors plans to lobby the EPA for a modified fuel economy test that would involve letting the cars roll downhill with the engine off. Ford says it believes it can achieve 60,000 MPG with no government assistance, thanks to a new four-cubic-inch one-and-a-half-cylinder engine with ten turbochargers that is currently in development. Chrysler responded by sitting back, lighting a cigarette, and saying “Let’s not worry about tomorrow. Hai gli occhi così belli. What are you doing for dinner?”

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Jacob Bourne