A week after a stolen Tesla Model S was involved in a fiery crash, causing Tesla’s stock price to drop by nearly $7, company CEO Elon Musk today held a press conference, causing Tesla’s stock price to rise by $1.50
“The Tesla Model S performed exactly as it was designed to do in a stolen-vehicle situation,” Mr. Musk told the assembled reporters, raising the share price by another seventy-five cents.
“The Model S intentionally crashed itself, bringing the chase to a rapid and safe end, while removing three or four pollution-spewing gasoline cars from service and improving the environment,” he explained. “The car then split itself into two pieces, allowing for easy and rapid exit from the vehicle for ambulatory survivors and saving time and labor for emergency personnel. The rear half of the Model S wedged itself in the doorway of a nearby synagogue, giving the criminals a convenient way to pray for forgiveness, while the front half set itself on fire, destroying vital fingerprint evidence in order to protect the occupants’ privacy.”
Mr. Musk paused to drink apple juice from his Lightning McQueen sippy cup, which triggered a $2 increase in the price of Tesla shares, then paused for a moment, causing Tesla stock to drop by half a point, before continuing.
“Had the car thieves been driving a gasoline car,” he said, “the results would undoubtedly have been much more catastrophic. The chase could have continued for several hundred miles, giving the criminals a much better chance of evading police. They probably would have been caught at an Arizona truck stop while in the process of catching gonorrhea from a couple of lot lizards, which is exactly the sort of behavior that internal-combustion cars elicit from their owners. Instead, the Tesla Model S performed exactly as it was designed to do, bringing the chase to a quick, environmentally-friendly, and spectacularly newsworthy end.”
Mr. Musk refused to take questions from the assembled reporters, citing a scheduled Duck-Duck-Goose charity tournament for which he was already late. Tesla stock prices rallied to pre-crash levels at the conclusion of the press conference, for which Mr. Musk was rewarded with a gold star sticker and a Fruit Roll-Up, causing Tesla share prices to increase by another $2.