Mercedes-Benz USA announced today that they will launch several new sub-brands and a new model naming convention, proving that even a stable, successful business plan is not immune to corporate fuckery.
“Our first new sub-brand vill be called Mercedes-Maybach,” said Mercedes brand manager Brent Meneger. “Ze press complained zat ze previous Maybach was too much like ze S-Class, vich was our plan all along, but ze subtlety vas lost on ze dummkopf Americans. So zis time we haf decided to make it more obvious.”
Meneger said the new Mercedes-Maybach S-Class will be “like an S-Class, but nicer, and it vill say ‘Maybach’ on it.” Asked if he could provide details, Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “Vat are you talking about? Zose are ze details.”
Dropping the fake German accent, Meneger explained the next sub-brand that Mercedes would add to its lineup.
“It’s called Mercedes-Shitzenwekre, and it will focus on building thirty-year-old Mercedes 300Ds with obnoxiously slow non-turbocharged diesel engines,” he said. “The cars will come from the factory with dented bodywork and 400,000 break-in miles on the odometer, and they will be sold exclusively to retired doctors who wear smug expressions and fuzzy sweaters.
“The third brand will be called Mercedes-Wannabe,” Meneger continued. “The Mercedes-Wannabe line will consist of black CLS350s with 24″ rims and the badges pried off so people will think they are CLS 63 AMGs. ”
Meneger went on to explain that Mercedes-Wannabe will use a non-traditional lease model based on that of the Ferrari FXX. Customers can call ahead when they want to drive their car, which they will pick up half a block from the trendy restaurant or nightclub of their choice so that they can be seen pulling up to the valet. Once they are done maxing out their credit cards buying overpriced alcohol for women who wouldn’t sleep with them if they had Brad Pitt’s looks, Wilt Chamberlain’s libido, and Carlos Slim’s bank balance, they can pick up the car at the valet, drive around the corner, return it to a Mercedes-Benz representative, and then drive home in whatever piece of shit they can actually afford.
Mercedes also announced a new naming convention, in which all of their SUVs will be named after a boxy Volvo of the 1980s.
“Frankly, we’re not sure how that happened,” Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “but I have heard reports that Johan DeNysschen has been seen sneaking around our corporate headquarters.”
Related: Mercedes relaunched Maybach as budget-priced shitbox