Despite strong retail sales and a favorable reception among loyal customers, Honda has redesigned the recently-redesigned Civic to improve its appeal to journalists.
The 2012 Civic was derided by critics for “not changing enough” and being “too similar to the 2006-2011 Civic,” which those same critics described as “the best compact sedan on the market” and “proof that Honda is at the top of the small-car game.” The harshest criticism came from long-time Honda supporter Consumer Reports, which said that the 2012 Civic “scored too low in our tests to be recommended” and called it “an ideal opportunity to prove that our lips aren’t super-glued to Honda’s ass the way everyone says.”
Changes to the updated 2013 Civic include a gaudy new grille, uglier taillights, silly wheels, and an all-black interior designed to appeal to German car enthusiasts who wouldn’t be caught dead driving a Honda. All Civics now have a backup camera as standard, despite the fact that anyone who cannot back up a car as small as the Civic does not deserve to live.
Honda has recalibrated the steering and suspension to stiffen the ride and improve the handling, a move which they say will please journalists who only have to drive it for a week, at the expense of buyers who have to live with it for ten years or more.
Asked if he was concerned that the updated 2013 Civic might alienate the existing buyer base, Honda spokesman Rosemary Marie said “Absolutely not. We know our buyers better than anyone. We could give them the shittiest shitbox this side of a Lada Riva, and as long as it says ‘Honda’ on the trunk lid, they’ll buy it.”