Infiniti President Johan de Nysschen, yesterday
Infiniti President Johan de Nysschen, yesterday

Autoblopnik has obtained what we believe to be an exclusive first draft of Infiniti president Johan de Nysschen’s message to Infiniti owners and fans.

Dear Infiniti fans:

We love you dearly. And we know you love the brand. Which means it’s only natural that you think we’ve lost our minds by naming all of our cars with the same letter. No one likes change, and no one likes fans who tell us when we have our heads up our asses, so I’m asking you, as a friend and as your President, to kindly shut the fuck up.

It was a tough decision. We like our current model names as much as you do. Hell, I named the FX50 after my own mother, FX50 de Nysschen. But we had no choice but to change. Let me explain.

1. We are embarking on massively offensive new products, and these new cars need names. Ever try to sell a car without a name? I have. It’s difficult, because if people walk into a showroom and say “I’d like to test drive the,” the dealers don’t know what to do. Anyway, there are 696 one- and two-letter combinations besides the ones we’re using, but it turns out the folks at Mercedes and Lexus trademarked almost all of them. Assholes. All that’s left is Q, QX, FU and MF. No matter, because that fits into our plans — we want to create a more flexible nomenclature philosophy, and nothing is more flexible than giving all your cars the same name. If it was good enough for George Foreman, it’s good enough for us.

2. Our new advanced technology engines will be smaller, lighter, more fuel efficient yet more powerful. That has nothing whatsoever to do with our silly new naming convention, but listen, bitches, I’m about to give you an Infiniti sedan with the GT-R engine, so don’t fucking complain about what we’re calling it, okay?

3. Infiniti is becoming a global brand now. Our new customers are unfamiliar with the brand and struggle to understand our range hierarchy. Is a JX above or below an FX? Where does an EX fit? Research confirms the majority of newcomers can simply walk into a showroom and see that the M is bigger and nicer than a G, but we have chosen to assume that most people are pretty fucking stupid, and stupid people buy Volvos, so we thought we’d just copy them.

4. Infiniti owns the naming assets of Q plus double digit, and QX plus double digit. It is a permanent part of our heritage. And Q is the same name as the really smart guy who made all of James Bond’s gadgets, which we think will really help push the high-tech marketing angle. Say, whatever happened to the actor who played that guy? Is he dead?

So the solution is pretty straightforward – use skillful marketing to differentiate the models, like BMW, Mercedes and Lexus. After all, there’s no confusion between the C-class and the S-Class, or the ES and the LS. But instead of doing that, we’re just going to give all of our cars the same letter, because it will save us a shit-ton of money in paperwork.

And no, we won’t call all-wheel-drive models Q50X or QX50X, because that would just be silly. Instead, we plan on sticking big chrome arrow-shaped badges pointing to the wheels that say “THE ENGINE MAKES THESE ONES TURN.” Remember what I said about our customers in point #3.

The really exciting implication of all this is that it prepares the way for the introduction of several fascinating new models, something we could easily do with our current naming structure, but don’t want to. Of course, this also means we can’t have more than nine models in each range… Oh, wait. Shit.

So there is only good news for all Infiniti fans around the globe. We are working very hard to bring you great products, a great brand, a compelling ownership experience, and a more difficult time telling your friends and relatives which Infiniti you bought. And we are really confident you will love the new Q50, the new flagship for the brand. Wait, that’s the Q80… no, sorry, Q70. The Q50 is the middle one. Or is that the Q30? No, I’m pretty sure Q30 is the entry-level car, which come to think of it we should have called the Q10. Yes, the Q50 is definitely the mid-line sedan… or is it the coupe? Oh, sweet Jesus.

Warmest regards,
Johan Sebastian Q de Nysschen
Infiniti Motor Company Limited

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