After speculation dating back to the dawn of the automotive age, God has finally decided to tell the world what kind of car He drives.
“I’ve heard all the jokes,” The Infinite One told Autoblopnik.com in an exclusive interview. “You know. ‘God drives a Plymouth, because the Bible says He drove them out in his Fury.’ ‘No, God drives a Honda, because He was in full Accord.’ Please. Like I’d drive one of those little Japanese deathtraps.
“Honestly, I don’t understand why people are so concerned by what’s in My driveway,” The Almighty continued. “I say ‘I am the Alpha and the Omega,’ and all of a sudden people assume I drive an Oldsmobile or one of those stupid little convertibles from The Graduate. Jesus, people, if I’d known you were going to obsess over this, I would have created you with less curiosity.”
The Most Holy, Blessed Be He, told Autoblopnik that He has owned a succession of vehicles, saying, “I’m not a one-car sort of deity.”
“Of all the cars I’ve owned, I think I liked My ’85 Jaguar XJ12 the best,” said The Holy One. “But I sold it because even I couldn’t keep the damn thing running. I thought about replacing it with a BMW 760i, but I already think I’m Me.”
The Lord said the most exciting car He ever owned was a 2009 Corvette ZR-1.
“I had to get rid of it because I kept getting speeding tickets,” He explained. “You ever try telling a cop you’re God? Believe me, it does not go over well at all. After a while, I got tired of having to miracle Myself out of those situations, and figured I’d be better off with something a little more low-key.”
Nowadays, the Shield of Abraham says He drives a 1998 Chrysler Sebring convertible.
“I know it’s not very flashy, but it gets good gas mileage and allows Me some degree of anonymity,” the Rock and the Redeemer explained. “Besides, ‘Chrysler’ sounds a bit like ‘Christ’, and that cracks Me up.
“Truth be told, I’ve always wanted a Volkswagen Beetle Convertible,” Yaweh continued, “but in light of Leviticus 20:13, driving one makes Me feel like a bit of a hyprocrite.”