Autoblopnik.com brings you the latest updates for the 2014 model year.
MDX: Redesigned, now with an infotainment suite that only requires a masters degree in electronics engineering, rather than a Ph. D.
RLX: All-new model with a V8 engine and rear-wheel-drive. Whoops, sorry, that belongs in the article “What Acura should do for 2014 if they want to sell cars.”
TSX: Billed as all-new from the ground up. Actually unchanged from 2013, but since Acura didn’t sell any last year, no one will know the difference.
3-Series: Now available as a wagon with a 4-cylinder diesel engine, causing auto writers to spill more seed than topless photos of Danica Patrick.
4-Series: Replaces the 3-Series coupe. Analysts expect sales to drop slightly due to high number of current 3-Series owners who cannot count that high.
6-Series: New four-door Gran Coupe model joins the lineup in response to a $20 bet BMW made with Mercedes that they could introduce a vehicle that makes no sense with a name that completely breaks their nomenclature, and still find a few thousand suckers to buy it.
X1: New undersized, overpried CUV that BMW expects will repeat the success of the 1-Series.
LaCrosse: A large-print speedometer is now optional in all models, and the CXL gains a standard Geritol dispenser.
Regal GS: In order to reduce the effects of torque steer, buyers can opt for either all-wheel-drive or having a group of Buick employees repave all the roads in your neighborhood so they curve slightly to the left.
More 2014 updates coming soon… but probably not soon enough.
An anonymous source at Acura, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Autoblopnik that the TSX Sport Wagon is likely to be discontinued as retribution for poor reviews of other Acura products.
“We’re going to tell the world there’s no business case for the TSX Sport Wagon,” our unnamed insider said anonymously, “but this is really a direct message to auto writers everywhere: Start treating us better, or we’re going to kill the things you love.”
The Acura TSX Sport Wagon was introduced in the 2011 model year to great critical acclaim, with journalists praising its combination of utility and excellent handling dynamics. Retail sales for the past two-and-a-half years have totaled twenty-seven units.
“There are only two types of people who buy the TSX Sport Wagon, both of which are automotive journalists,” said our anonymous source, who asked not to be named. “No one else in America wants a wagon, at least not since 1983. We brought this car here as a favor to these ingrates, and they’re crucifying us. We’re simply not going to stand for it any more.”
In years past, Acura has garnered praise from the auto press for vehicles like the RSX Type S, the Integra GSR, and the legendary NSX. But critics have been highly critical of recent products, with headlines such as “RLX Misses the Mark” and “ILX: WTF?”
Our source, who would only speak to us if we agreed not to publish his name, told Autoblopnik that the division feels its being unfairly singled out.
“Lexus puts some better springs in the GS and they act like it’s the second coming,” he (or she, it could be a she) said anonymously. “BMW turns the 3-series into a Buick Century and they get a pass. We bring back all-wheel-steering in the RLX, and all they can say is ‘Where’s the V8?’ We give them an RDX with a more powerful and fuel-efficient engine, and they say ‘Where’s the turbo?’ Well, fuck ’em. Fuck ’em in the ear.”
Acura recently introduced an all-new version of the MDX crossover, with the first reviews just now appearing on the Internet and at news stands.
“They’d better fucking well be positive, or the TSX Sport Wagon is a goner,” our anonymous source said on the condition that we not name him (or her). “And that’s just the beginning. You know that Civic Si powertrain in the ILX that everyone loves? We can make that thing vanish like a fart in the wind. And I haven’t even mentioned those three little letters you all love so much: N, S and X. Don’t try us, my friends. Don’t even fucking try us.”
Acura has confirmed that the two NSX concept vehicles shown at the 2012 and 2013 Detroit auto shows are just the beginning of an excruciating number of show car unveilings that we will be forced to sit through before they finally show the production version.
“Think of it as a sort of striptease,” said Acura spokesteaser Parsley Thyme, “Only the stripper is a poor woman who can’t afford a proper winter coat, so she has to wear a whole lot of layers. We’ve seen her hat and windbreaker come off, but she still has to take off her scarf, her zip-up sweatshirt, her pull-over sweatshirt, the sweater her Aunt Bernie knitted for her for Christmas in 1997, a button-down blouse, a polo shirt, her ex-boyfriend’s Metallica T with the sleeves cut off, a halter top, one more t-shirt, a sports bra and an underwire bra before we finally get to see her gazongas.”
Acura unveiled the first NSX Concept, which lacked an interior, at the 2012 Detroit show. This year’s concept car had a finished interior and opening doors, and Thyme says the next NSX Concept, most likely to be shown at the New York Auto Show this spring, will have an opening hood with a dummy engine, which will be replaced with a real engine in the NSX Concept to be shown at the 2014 Detroit show.
“After that, we’ll show an NSX concept with updated front-end styling, then another one with updated rear-end styling, and maybe a couple with new rooflines and steering wheels. We thought of doing one shaped like a CR-V just to see if people were paying attention, but we decided to just futz with the headlights and the side glass instead.”
Asked about the cost of producing multiple concepts, Thyme said, “Oh, it’s unbelievable. Each concept costs an average of $750,000 to produce, plus another hundred grand to present it at the auto show. We figure this endless line of concepts will probably add $20,000 to the price of each NSX we sell, but how the hell else are we going to maintain the public’s interest in a super-light mid-engine sports coupe with a turbo V6, twin-clutch transmission, and a three-motor hybrid powertrain with the world’s first torque-vectoring electric drive?”
Acura initially planned to bring the NSX to market in 2015, but now says it may delay the launch in order to produce more concept cars.
Acura has released a photo of the production version of the 2014 RLX, which is radically different from the RLX concept revealed at the New York Auto Show. Newly-appointed Honda/Acura PR chief Parsley Thyme says the car has had a crash redesign to address the concerns of automotive journalists.
“We put the world’s most most sophisticated all-wheel-drive system in the TL, and the media said the car was too ugly,” said Thyme. “We toned down the styling on the RDX, and you said the driveline wasn’t sophisticated enough. Well, fuck all of you. You want a BMW? Fine. Here’s your fucking BMW.”
“It’s not as if it matters what the car looks like,” Thyme added. “We’re selling to Accord owners. I could shit in my hand, put an Acura badge on it, and they’d line up for blocks to buy it.”
Asked about the torque-vectoring hybrid drive system in the RLX concept, Chief Engineer Ahshiro Nakamama said, “Nope. Gone. Out back in the fucking dumpster. Guess you ought to learn to show a little gratitude.”
Experienced automotive journalist Clifton Faghands was asked his opinion of the revised RLX, but he refused to speculate until he had attended the press preview. “That place in Barcelona where they took us to drive the TL was an absolute dump, and my steak was undercooked. I hated the car.”
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