Category: Plucked from the headlines

Details of Bowling Green Massacre emerge

Bowling Green, yesterday

Bowling Green, yesterday

The Trump administration today revealed details of the Bowling Green Massacre, an event first cited by Trump spokesalternativefactswoman Kellyanne Conway.

“The lying mainstream media has erroniously reported the fake alternative fact that the Bowling Green Massacre never happened,” ranted Trump’s Propaganda Minister, Sean Spicer. “In fact it did take place, and it was horrific, and it was all President Obama’s fault, and you, the media, are lying to the public by saying it never happened.”

Spicer went on to cry out that the Bowling Green Massacre occurred in late 2011 when two Iraqi nationals broke into the Bowling Green GM plant, got jobs on the assembly line, and built dozens of Chevrolet Corvettes with side windows that didn’t line up quite right.

“We have information from our unreliable intelligence services that rainwater leaked into these faulty windows and several innocent American citizens got their arms wet,” Spicer continued, his head disappearing from view as he continued to dig. “This has led to countless cases of pneumonia, and we believe these terrorists may have killed millions of Americans, with the terrible Obama administration doing nothing to stop it.”

Spicer continued, “As a result of the death and mayham that the Obama administration allowed to happen in the Bowling Green Massacre, President Bannon will soon issue an executive order to ban anyone from entering this country who looks even the slightest bit shifty. Or Muslim. Or brown. Or gay.”

“Fuck you, media,” he added, before abruptly ending the press conference.

In related news, the Trump Administration reported that while photos of Kellyanne Conway appear to show her aging rapidly, in person she is looking younger as each day goes by.

© Autoblopnik

Elon Musk tells VW how to build cars

An electric car, yesterday. © Rubberball/Corbis

An electric car, yesterday

Elon Musk was among the forty-five signatories on an open letter to the California Air Resource Board, urging CARB to direct beleaguered pollution manufacturer Volkswagen to build more electric vehicles.

The letter suggested that instead of fixing the small number of diesel cars on the road in California, Volkswagen should be required to build more zero-emissions vehicles (ZEVs) than currently required. The letter also suggested that Volkswagen be allowed to buy additional ZEV credits to allow more time for development.

“Conveniently, Tesla sells ZEV credits to other manufacturers. In fact, selling ZEV credits is the only thing that makes the company profitable,” neither the letter nor Elon Musk said.

Volkswagen expressed relief at the contents of the letter.

“We’re very pleased that Elon Musk and his friends have told us the best way to run our business,” said Volkswagen spokeswagen Hermann Van Agon. “We’ve been spinning our wheels since just after World War II, desperately waiting for someone to come along and tell us what to do. The Beetle, the Bus, the Golf, the GTI — people think these were brilliant products, but in fact they were all just lucky breaks. Now that Mr. Musk has spoken up, we can finally get on with the business of building proper cars.”

“All I want to do is make the world a better place,” Elon Musk told Autoblopnik during a quick break between nap time and macaroni painting. “This isn’t about me. This isn’t about Tesla. It’s about demanding that the automakers clean up our planet by making more electric cars. That way they won’t have to rely on companies like mine to sell them ZEV credits. Of course, that means we’d have to design a car that was actually profitable, and… er… oh, crap. Excuse me a minute. Linda? Hey, Linda? You didn’t mail that letter to CARB yet, did you?”

© Autoblopnik — Image © Rubberball/Corbis

Volkswagen denies latest EPA allegations; Porsche “surprised”

A fully emissions-complaint Volkswagen, yesterday

A fully emissions-complaint Volkswagen, yesterday

According to a report in Automotive Nudes, Volkswagen has denied the allegations of the EPA’s latest Notice of Violation, which claims that the 3-liter V6 TDI engine found in the Touareg and several Audi models uses the same “cheat” mode as the four-cylinder engines.

“The EPA is absolutely wrong on this,” said Volkswagen spokeswagen Paul Lucion. “The allegation that the V6 TDI engine is not emissions compliant is absolutely false, and is a fabrication of a select group of people who are trying to rewrite history for their own gain. And even if the engines aren’t compliant, we were just following orders from our leader, which I never really agreed with.”

Meanwhile, Porsche said they were “surprised” that the Cayenne TDI, which uses the 3.0 liter TDI engine, was named as non-compliant by the EPA.

“We couldn’t find any problems with the engine in the Cayenne,” Porsche spokescayman Penn Dulum told Autoblopnik. “Actually, we couldn’t even find the engine itself, until someone pointed out to us that it wasn’t in the trunk.”

© Autoblopnik

Another startling Josh Duggar revelation

A child-molesting hypocrite, yesterday

A child-molesting hypocrite, yesterday

A day after it was revealed that serial hypocrite Josh Duggar had an account on AshleyMadison.com and cheated on his wife, new embarrassing revelations have come to light about the self-admitted kiddy fiddler.

In a written statement, Mr. Duggar stated, “It has recently come to light that for a period of time in my life, I drove a Toyota Corolla. I am a horrid, child-molesting hypocrite. While espousing the pursuit of a better life, I have been secretly driving the most boring, soulless car ever created.

“While I appreciate that God and my family have been able to forgive me for fondling the breasts and genitals of underage children, looking at porn, and paying money to a site so I could have sex with someone more interesting and ambitious than my wife,” Chester’s statement continued, “I realize I may now have committed an unforgivable sin. I apologize to my family, my fans, and Jesus.”

Asked if she planned to stay with her husband, Anna Duggar, in a rare public statement, said, “I really don’t know. I can live with Josh wanting to bang other women, and I can even raise two daughters in the same house as a man who admittedly molested several young girls including his own sisters and got away with it. But share my bed with a man who drives a Toyota Corolla? That’s something I’m really going to have to pray about.”

© Autoblopnik

Jeep owners report hacking-related problems

A hacked Jeep Cherokee, yesterday

A hacked Jeep Cherokee, yesterday

Just days after Wired wrote about a ride in a hacked Jeep Cherokee, several owners are reporting what they believe to be hacking-related problems on their own vehicles.

“I’m positive my Jeep Cherokee has been hacked,” said Dick Knotter, chief quality supervisor at a carrion packing agency in Disappointment Heights, Idaho. “Just last week, I went to turn up the stereo, and the fan came on. There’s no way I could have accidentally turned the wrong dial because I was distracted by this totally hot crossing guard I drove past. This is just like the unintended acceleration problem I had in my Toyota RAV4 all over again. What a nightmare.”

Teresa VonPassive, a hinge inspector from Cockneck, New Jersey, said her Jeep Grand Cherokee has been behaving strangely in recent weeks.

“The car hasn’t had any problems for nearly a month and a half,” she said. “Nothing! No warning lights on the dash, no strange clunking noises from the front end, no interior pieces falling off in my hands. This is the third Jeep I’ve owned and I can tell you from experience that this is just not normal. No, I’m sure my car has been hacked.”

Owners of other vehicles from other manufacturers have reported what they believe to be hacking-related issues as well.

“I’m positive my BMW 328i has been hacked,” said Henry Butterspanker, a self-employed desklamp operator from Los Angeles, Connecticut. “The other day I went to cut someone off, and I thought to myself, ‘You know what, maybe today I’ll try driving like I’m not a complete prick.’ Where the hell did that come from? Clearly, this hacking problem is bigger than the car manufacturers are letting on, and BMW better damn well do something about it.”

Fiat-Chrysler spokesperson Kathy Graham-Cracker explained the steps that her company was taking to address the hacking-related issues.

“Our software developers were able to develop and roll out a patch to the affected vehicles in just a few days,” Ms. Graham-Cracker told Autoblopnik. “But explaining to our owners that every single fucking thing their car does that seems even remotely out of the ordinary, even if it’s a result of their own stupidity, doesn’t mean their car has been hacked, well, that could take a lot longer. Just ask Toyota.”

Photo © Autoblopnik

GM announces ebola-related recall

An outbreak of General Motors vehicles, yesterday

An outbreak of General Motors vehicles, yesterday

General Motors Corporation announced today that it would recall a large number of cars and trucks which may be related to the current spread of the ebola virus.

“We have reason to believe that several of the latest ebola victims either owned, drove, rode in, or saw a General Motors vehicle,” said GM representative Eric Beauregard “E-Bo” LaVirus. “In the interest of safety, we think it’s best to assume that the outbreak of this dreadful disease is somehow related to our products.”

Though LaVirus said there was no clinical evidence tying the outbreak to GM’s cars and trucks, he said there was plenty of opportunity for the vehicles to be involved in the spread of the disease.

“Perhaps someone on the air conditioning assembly line had ebola and drooled into the pollen filters,” he told Autiblopnik.com, “or maybe ebola was inadvertently engineered into the cars as some sort of a cost-saving measure. You never really know, but here at General Motors, we’ve learned to assume the worst.”

Asked how many vehicles GM would recall in relation to the ebola scare, LaVirus said the number had yet to be determined, but that “it will probably be a figure in the neighborhood of all of them.”

“Of course, we have no firm proof that these vehicles were the source of the current ebola outbreak,” LaVirus added. “But if there’s one thing the past couple of years has taught us, it’s that if something goes horribly wrong in the world, it’s probably GM’s fault.”

© Autoblopnik.com

Autoblopnik’s Memorial Day Travel Tips

Memorial Day, yesterday

Memorial Day, yesterday

Memorial Day weekend is upon us, which means we are legally required to leave our house and spent the entire three-day weekend sitting in traffic. Here are Autoblopnik’s tips for safe and stress-free Memorial Day travel.

TRAVELING BY CAR

Treat your car trip like a plane trip. Set a firm schedule and stick to it. Arrive at your garage three hours before you plan to leave and charge yourself $50 for each piece of luggage you put in the trunk. Have a friend move your car to a driveway three blocks away for no reason whatsoever, and then tell at least one member of your party that your car is oversold and she will have to leave next Tuesday. Get in the car an hour after your scheduled departure time, park in the road and sit there for an hour and a half with the engine idling and the air conditioning shut off, and then cancel your trip.

If your car breaks down, pull to the shoulder. Then again, if you can drive your car to the shoulder, that means it’s still working and you can probably keep driving to your destination. I suppose you could push your car to the shoulder, but then you’ll hit by a Greyhound bus and your next-of-kin will sue me for telling you to get out of your car in the first place. On second thought, Don’t let your car break down.

Avoid driving while tired. If you feel yourself getting fatigued, have a contest with your fellow passengers to see who can come up with the most blatantly obvious travel tip, such as “Avoid driving while tired”. If you are traveling alone, just keep going. No one will miss you if you crash.

Carry an emergency kit in your trunk. This should consist of a blanket, a flashlight, non-perishable snacks, a flare gun, a shotgun, a 5-gallon gas can, a bullhorn, a signal mirror, an air horn, snow chains, a monogrammed handkerchief, a violin, a bag of Portland cement, a Supertramp CD, two shovels, a roofing shingle, a copy of Sense and Sensibility with pages 117 through 125 torn out, a bottle of vodka (for medicinal purposes), a comb, butter, and a spare car.

TRAVELING BY AIR

Get to the airport three days before your flight. This won’t help with the lines, but you can stake out a comfortable place to sleep when your flight to Toledo is delayed a week because of blizzards in Dubai.

Alternatively, Get to the airport three hours after your flight. Your plane will inevitably be late, not that it matters, because unless you’re an Elite Level Platinum Ass 1K Medallion Frequent Flyer™, you’re not going to get a seat on the plane anyway. And if you are an Elite Whatever, you know enough not to fly on Memorial Day weekend.

Wear something seductive. It makes the TSA full-body pat-downs more interesting for all involved.

TRAVELING BY TRAIN

Er, do we still have passenger trains in this country?

NO MATTER HOW YOU ARE TRAVELING, remember what the Memorial Day holiday is really all about: A day when we celebrate the media for giving us staggeringly obvious advice that any twelve-year-old could come up with.

© Autoblopnik

GM, Toyota introduce new safety concept vehicle

The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, yesterday

The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, yesterday

General Motors and Toyota today unveiled a new jointly-developed safety car concept, which they call the Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept.

“The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, or GMTDJSCC for short, is a radical new approach to vehicle safety that will end all these ridiculous lawsuits once and for all,” said GM-Toyota Joint Head of Joint Safety Engineering, Sy Ftee.

At a press conference in Naperville, Illinois, Ftee explained the highlights of the concept vehicle.

“The SCCGDJTM has no ignition switch that can accidentally turn off and no floor mats to catch the accelerator pedal,” he told the assembled journalists. “It has no airbags that will fail to deploy, no seats to slide off, no dash to get caught under, no glass to shatter and put your eye out, no brakes to fail, no tires to blow out, no engine to catch fire, and no steering column to crush your rib cage. It weighs sixteen tons, so you can’t even pick it up and accidentally drop it on your toe. Basically, there is no way anyone could ever sue us based on anything that happened to them in, on or around the JSDCTMCG.”

The press conference was ended prematurely after someone cut their finger on one of the TMGCCSJD’s exposed metal edges.

© Autoblopnik

Porsche charged in Corvette Museum sinkhole and frame-up

The Corvette museum before the disaster, yesterday

The Corvette museum before the disaster, yesterday

The Bowling Green District Attorney announced today that Porsche has been arrested and charged in relation to the sinkhole that opened up under the National Corvette Museum, swallowing eight vehicles and several pieces of Corvette memorabilia, including an irreplaceable collection of mustache combs.

Though the initial cause of the disaster was determined to be natural, Bowling Green Chief of Police Chee Fuvpulees told Autoblopnik that clues at the scene pointed to foul play, most likely by rival company Ford. Investigators found Mustang tire tracks on the grass and a note in the wreckage that read “This is what happens when you make a Camaro more powerful than the Shelby Mustang, you bow-tie bastards!”

“We thought it was an open and shut case, but Ford’s alibi checked out,” Fuvpulees said. “Ford claimed to be in the lab trying to figure out how to make the Fusion Hybrid actually get 47 MPG.”

Fuvpulees said the big break came when they were investigating the mechanism that caused the sinkhole.

“We focused our initial investigation in the area of the 1984 PPG pace car, since that’s where the sinkhole appears to have opened up,” he said. “But one of our agents found a remnants of a small explosive device near the ZR-1 Blue Devil prototype, which was one of the last cars to fall in. When we realized the device that made it go was located in precisely the wrong spot, we knew without a doubt that Porsche was behind the whole thing.”

Through cell phone records, police traced Porsche to a small motel on the banks of the Incest River, just a few miles from the museum in Bowling Green. Fuvpulees said Porsche was sitting on the porch, reading a copy of Henry Ford’s Jewish Influence in American Life, and was arrested without incident. The DA says Porsche will be charged with willful destruction of property, conspiracy to blame a sinkhole on someone else, and wrecking Corvettes out of season.

“I wanted to teach them a lesson about making a cheap sports car as good as the 911,” Porsche said as it was being led away in handcuffs. “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!”

The National Corvette Museum announced that General Motors Design had volunteered to assist in the restoration of the damaged Corvettes.

“This is why we made them out of cheap-ass plastic and fiberglass,” said GM VP of Design Ed Wontburn. “A little duct tape, a little Krazy Glue, a little touch-up paint, and they’ll be good as new.”

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to RR and hats off to General Motors for stepping up and helping out!

Renault’s Tavares says he’d like to be the Easter Bunny

Renault's Tavares saying he'd like to be Barry Manilow, yesterday

Tavares saying he’d like to be Barry Manilow, yesterday

Following a rebuff by both General Motors and Ford of his expressed desire to head up either company, Renault COO Carlos Tavares tells Autoblopnik he would be willing to take over as the Easter Bunny if the job was offered to him.

“I have a wealth of experience that would serve me well as the Easter Bunny,” Tavares said. “Being the Easter Bunny is all about hiding things. I can hide things. Under my leadership, Renault has specialized in hiding things like style, refinement and quality.”

Tavares said he thinks he would actually be best suited to take the position of Santa Claus, but he did not think this position was likely to open up.

“St. Nick is only a few hundred years old,” he explained, “so the chances that he’s going to snuff it before I hit sixty is pretty damn slim. Not going to hold out hope for that one.”

Tavares said he hasn’t actually spoken to anyone involved in Easter management about his desire for the position, but he felt positive that putting the word out via a major news venue like Autoblopnik would do the trick.

“It can’t go any worse than telling Automotive Nudes that I wanted to run GM or Ford,” he said. “Man, what a clusterfuck that turned out to be.”

Jesus Christ, chairman and head of public relations for Christianity, said that Tavares had not reached out to the religion directly, and that they were not looking to replace the Easter Bunny any time in the near future.

“This is primarily a family business, and we prefer to promote from within,” He said.

© Autoblopnik