GUN BARREL CITY, TEXAS—Toyota Motor Manufactory today confirmed what many in the industry have suspected for many months—the recurrence of a rare illness that afflicts members of the Toyota public relations and marketing staff.
“For lack of a proper name, we’re calling it ’86 disease,’” said Ceedie C. Spewksmun, spokesman for the Center for Disease Conformity (CCD). “The primary symptoms are an annoying tendency to only show the general outline and maybe a few bits and pieces of a new sports car, when everyone and their mothers already know perfectly well what the fekking thing looks like.”
Spewksmun describes the rare condition as “largely mental,” explaining, “When you’ve shown lightly-camouflaged and racing versions of your car, when you’ve let car magazines drive and photograph the thing, and when BMW has already revealed the goddamned Z4, if you still want to pretend that people don’t know what the car looks like, then you are largely mental.”
“We acknowledge that there is a problem among several of our staff members,” Toyota spokesrevealer Craig Tahootchiemama told Autoblopnik on condition of anonymity. “We’d hoped we could engineer a cure by publicly announcing our decision to reveal a certain sports car at the Detroit Auto Show, but the teaser pics of the Supra GT concept show we might have a little father to go.”
Meanwhile, the DCC has indicated that the general public need not worry about contracting the condition.
“Though we are concerned that the disease has spread from California to Texas, it appears that we only see an outbreak when Toyota produces a truly interesting car,” Spewksmun said. “That means we should be safe for another ten or fifteen years.”
About the Chicago Auto Show
The Chicago Auto Show was first held in 1871 and was the first publicly-accessible auto show in the world, though it was considered a failure as the automobile had not yet been invented. The show resurfaced late in the 20th century in Bloomington, Indiana, but attendance was poor as most people expected the Chicago Auto Show to be in Illinois. The show finally moved to the Windy City in 1901, and has been held there every year except 1954, when strong winds blew it into Aurora. It is the only auto show to run year-round, with a 51-week closure between Sunday and Friday.
Highlights from the 2016 Chicago Auto Show
Kia announced their plans to launch a hybrid vehicle that featured “stunning design” that was “strong and confident with subtly sculptured surfaces offset by robust styling cues.” They described this new hybrid as “a no-compromise vehicle that combines driving enjoyment with eye-catching design.” They then revealed the Niro. While we do not have official confirmation, we hope to see the vehicle they were talking about at the New York Auto Show.
Chrysler unveiled the new Ram 2500 Power Wagon on a set of hydraulic jacks that showed off the new truck’s axle articulation. The Power Wagon was then driven down the steps and on to the show floor, proving once and for all that a Chrysler vehicle can drive at least thirty feet without parts falling off of it.
In honor of their new Pacifica minivan, Chrysler sponsored Snack Time. Show-goers were given their choice of sweets and beverages, and were told that if they didn’t stop hitting their sister right now, Chrysler would turn this show around and take them all straight home, so help me God!
Toyota started the Don Bufamanti fan club by giving out furry ear-flap hats that said “Turd Pro”. They also showed a Tacoma in a color called “cement”, with rumors circulating that anyone criticizing the truck would end up in cement as well.
Nissan unveiled a picture of the Titan pickup truck. Customers will be able to buy their own picture of a Titan pickup truck later this year. They also showed the latest version of their full-size armoire, which goes on patrol in the US later this year.
Mercedes-Benz showed what appeared to be a large green metal building, until closer examination revealed that it had wheels. Rumor has it that the Sprinter Extreme has a four-cylinder engine; this could not be confirmed as anyone trying to examine the truck closely was killed and eaten by it. Mercedes also displayed a smaller version of the Sprinter intended as housing for workers.
Chevrolet unveiled the Camaro 1LE (pronounced “Camaro Wunnel”), which features a track-tuned suspension and blacked-out hood. The Camaro 1LE will be offered with a V6 engine for customers who want maximum performance without maximum performance.
Alson on the Chevrolet stand were Midnight Special editions of the Silverado and Colorado pickups. These trucks feature black paint, black wheels, a black bedliner and blacked-out trim, and are designed to be impossible to find in a poorly-lit parking lot at night.
Toyota has announced that the Scion brand, launched in 2003 to bring younger buyers into the Toyota family, would be discontinued at the end of the 2016 model year.
“Scion has been a raging success for Toyota,” said former Scion spokesperson Sy Yonspoke-Spersen. “As we said in our press release, 70 percent of Scion buyers are new to Toyota and 50 percent are under the age of 35. The Scion brand has done exactly what we intended it to do, which is why we are getting rid of it.”
Yonspoke-Sperson said the decision to eliminate the successful Scion brand, which was originally intended to draw in buyers who thought the Toyota brand was too staid, was prompted by “customer needs”.
“Our latest market research indicates that all of the young buyers who do not want to buy Toyotas actually do want to buy Toyotas,” he explained. “So, really, everything should be just fine, and there is no need to ask any further questions.”
All of the current Scion models will be moved to the to the Toyota brand except for the tC coupe.
“The tC has done extraordinarily well for the Scion brand,” Yonspoke-Sperson told Autoblopnik, “and it also happens to be the only Scion vehicle not duplicated by a similarly-sized Toyota or Lexus product. Therefore, it will be discontinued.”
Joe Lintz, CEO of Toyota North Motor America, offered praise for the brand as he prepared to kill it and eliminate virtually all traces of its existence.
“Scion was not a failure, it was a success,” Lintz insisted, “and all successful things come to an end. NASA’s lunar explanation program? History. World War II? Done. David Bowie? Pushing up the daisies. We are extraordinarily pleased with the success of the Scion brand, and we can think of no better way to honor that success than by bringing it to a crashing halt.”
“We want to express our sincere appreciation to the 1,004 Scion dealers who have brought so much business into Toyota,” said Jimmy Carter, Toyota’s Executive Vice President of Refusing To Move To Texas. “They’ve done a great job for us, and we look forward to expressing our gratitude by helping them close up their shops, fire all of their workers, and sign up for unemployment until they find something else to do.”
In related news, Toyota is considering issuing a recall in response to reports of their spin control not working properly.
Salad Sales and Hyundai Motoring America today issued a joint statement admitting to a mix-up between the designs of their respective mid-size sedans.
“It appears that the designers of the new 2015 Sonata and Camry were in the same place at the same time, and accidentally grabbed each other’s laptop bags,” said Toyundai Joint Spokesperson Moe Trainer. “That’s why the new Sonata’s styling is inexplicably boring, and the new Camry’s styling is inexplicably interesting.”
Trainer would not go on the record as to when the mix-up might have occurred. Off the record, he told Autoblopnik, “It probably happened at last year’s Los Angeles Auto Show press days, when they were on their hands and knees photographing the interior trim screw heads on the new Optima.”
As to whether the styling mix-up will affect sales, Trainer says that Hyundai is more concerned than Toyota.
“Hyundai buyers will definitely notice that the car is far less interesting,” he said. “As for Camry buyers, hell,you could paint the car with buffalo dung and use a 16-inch dildo as a hood ornament, and as long as Consumer Reports said it was reliable, they’d still buy the damn thing.”
Trainer later denied rumors that his own Camry is painted with buffalo dung and has a 16-inch dildo as a hood ornament.
Asked if the incident affected any other aspects of the car, Trainer said “Absolutely not, though you can see why people would think that. Depowering a barely-adequate engine may sound like something Toyota would do, and coming up with oxymorons like ‘Sport Hybrid’ may sound like something Hyundai would do, but the fact is that aside from the design screw-up, all the other bone-headed decisions can be attributed to the cars’ respective manufacturers.”
General Motors and Toyota today unveiled a new jointly-developed safety car concept, which they call the Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept.
“The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, or GMTDJSCC for short, is a radical new approach to vehicle safety that will end all these ridiculous lawsuits once and for all,” said GM-Toyota Joint Head of Joint Safety Engineering, Sy Ftee.
At a press conference in Naperville, Illinois, Ftee explained the highlights of the concept vehicle.
“The SCCGDJTM has no ignition switch that can accidentally turn off and no floor mats to catch the accelerator pedal,” he told the assembled journalists. “It has no airbags that will fail to deploy, no seats to slide off, no dash to get caught under, no glass to shatter and put your eye out, no brakes to fail, no tires to blow out, no engine to catch fire, and no steering column to crush your rib cage. It weighs sixteen tons, so you can’t even pick it up and accidentally drop it on your toe. Basically, there is no way anyone could ever sue us based on anything that happened to them in, on or around the JSDCTMCG.”
The press conference was ended prematurely after someone cut their finger on one of the TMGCCSJD’s exposed metal edges.
LR2: A redesigned instrument cluster advances the LR2’s interior styling to the 1990s.
LR4: Instead of driving it, buyers can now opt to have a million tons of carbon dioxide pumped into the atmosphere and a tanker’s worth of oil set on fire.
RANGE ROVER: Unchanged from last year. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.
RANGE ROVER SPORT: All new, but fuck you anyway.
ALTIMA: The CVT now runs the engine at a constant 2,500 RPM in an effort to annoy automotive journalists even further.
GT-R: Minor changes to the intake system increase torque by 0.06 lb-ft in the 2,001 – 2,020 RPM range, frustrating existing owners because they no longer have the best GT-R.
MURANO CROSS CABRIOLET: Unchanged. Nissan expects 2014 sales to increase by 150% to four units.
PATHFINDER: An all-new unit-body Pathfinder replaces the body-on-frame version. Renamed PATHFOLLOWER to more accurately reflect its capabilities.
VERSA: New social media integration: As soon as you buy a Versa, your Facebook status is changed to “unemployed”.
CAMRY: In an effort to retain the title of the number-one selling car in the US, the Camry now comes with a $50,000 cash rebate. As part of the new “Buy One Or Else!” campaign, shoppers who test drive a Camry and buy a competing car will have their familes murdered by Toyota employees.
COROLLA: An all-new version debuts with improved driving dynamics and modern styling. Expect the new Corolla to remain completely unchanged through the 2039 model year.
RAV4: In order to address the poor performance in the small-overlap barrier test, the RAV4 will no longer be sold in areas of the country that have small-overlap barriers.
TUNDRA: Facelifted, or whatever the term is for when a plastic surgeon operates on your face and you come out looking even worse. The new top-of-the-line model is called the 1794 Edition, commemorating the exact number of Ford and Chevy pickup buyers who would even consider buying a Toyota.
Toyota thrilled and delighted the automotive media with a theatrical extravaganza from Argentinian group Fuerza Bruta and side-splitting laughs from comedian Adam “No, the Adam who didn’t get on Top Gear” Carolla, all while getting them bombed off their asses on libations prepared by celebrity chef Richard Blais.
“It was an amazing event,” said Autoblopnik correspondent Clifton Faghands. “They had a chick swimming in a pool suspended above our heads, which was way the hell cooler than the mermaids Hyundai hired for their Elantra reveal. And Blais’ food was amazing — the roast pork belly he made was way better than anything I’ve eaten at any German press event. I don’t know how the hell that kid managed to lose Top Chef.”
The performance included dancers running on the walls and showering the crowd with bits of ripped-up cardboard, and an acrobatic act that our correspondent described as “A chick in a box.”
“Our goal for this irrelevant extravaganza was to set a new standard for irrelevant extravaganzas,” said Toyota spokesman Moe “Lest” Tomy, “and by and large, I think we achieved that. By spending millions of dollars to thrill and delight the supposedly objective media, we can… we can… um… damn, I forgot. The point I’m trying to make is that we spent millions of dollars and we had Argentinian babes hanging from the ceiling! When was the last time you saw shit like this at a BMW event?”
“The circus act was really something,” Faghands reported, “but the highlight of the evening was a joke Carolla made about having the same name as a Toyota. The crowd roared. We never saw that coming.”
At the end of the performance, Toyota revealed a car.
“I think it was red,” said Faghands, “but after seven of those nitrogen-cooled margaritas, I’m not really sure.”
Toyota announced today that it has canceled plans to introduce a redesigned Corolla for the 2014 model year, and will instead continue to sell the current model indefinitely.
“We sold 290,000 Corollas in 2012, a 50,000 unit increase over model year 2011,” explained Toyota spokesmodel Moe Lester. “Clearly, the Corolla is still in demand. While we know this decision will disappoint a lot of people, especially Toyota employees and dealers, we have to go where the market takes us.”
Toyota has been showing a thinly disguised prototype of the next-generation Corolla, called the Corolla Furia concept, on this year’s auto show circuit. Automotive journalists, who have described the current Corolla as “dated,” “behind the times,” and “pathetic,” have lauded the Furia concept, calling it “not dated,” “not behind the times,” and “not pathetic.”
“No question, the Corolla Furia would have been a huge improvement over the current Corolla,” Lester told Autoblopnik. “Are we disappointed in our own decision? A bit, yes. Building a compact sedan with the personality of a house plant gets very old very quickly, especially when the rest of the industry has moved on and we’re still stuck in the year 2003. But there is still a large segment of sad, boring people who want a sad, boring car, and at the end of the day, we’re in business to make money.”
According to Lester, Toyota had established marketing deals for the redesigned Corolla with companies like Urban Outfitters, Whole Foods, and Apple Computer.
“Unfortunately, we had to scrap those,” he explains. “But we do have some exciting co-branding opportunities with Jo-Ann Fabric Stores, Bayer Aspirin, and the Kansas Department of Tourism.”
Lester says that Toyota will continue to build the current-generation Corolla “until demand dries up or until every last Toyota employee commits suicide in order to escape the mind-numbing dreariness of our cars, whichever comes last.”