Volkswagen today announced that they are expected to reveal that they will be introducing the premiere of a new special-edition car designed with Ferrari.
Based on the European-market city car, the UP!, the new vehicle will share several styling cues with Ferrari’s latest track-only vehicle, the FxxK.
As you can probably guess, the new vehicle will be called the FxxK UP!.
Standard equipment on the FxxK UP! will include air conditioning, rain-sensing wipers, and a year’s supply of blatantly obvious jokes about a Ferrari with a name so ridiculous that it hurts just to think about it.
In keeping with Ferrari tradition, an extremely limited number of vehicles the will be offered to an elite group of pre-selected Ferrari and Volkswagen owners who will not be allowed to drive the car on the public roads, private tracks, or even a couple of times up and down the driveway. The FxxK UP! will be priced at one trillion dollars, with a $0 down payment and nothing but your signature at the Volkswagen Sign Then Go Away event, so hurry on down to your Volkswagen dealer because these deals won’t last long!
Much to the glee of automotive parody news sites everywhere, Ferrari has announced that their new track-only supercar will be called the FxxK.
“We wanted to strive for something really unique, something that would get everyone talking,” said Ferrari spokesissimo Salvatore Peeyarissimo. “When people see this car, we want them to say ‘Oh, FxxK!'”
Though an on-sale date has not been announced, Ferrari dealers report that potential owners are already putting down cash deposits.
“Whatever Ferrari charges for the car, I’m willing to spend,” said Rich Bastard, a toilet-tank entrepreneur from the upscale hamlet of Bureaucratic Falls, Connecticut. “I’ll pay anything for a fast FxxK.”
Owners groups have already begun springing up, first of which are a Maine-based organization called FxxK ME, a European group that will be known as FxxK EU, and group of American enthusiasts calling themselves FxxK US. Unusually for Ferrari, an family-oriented group of female owners has also been established; it will be called Mother FxxKers.
Ferrari says it plans to auction the first production FxxK to charity with proceeds going to benefit the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to the Less Than Bright. The charity event will be known as “Ferrari Gives a FxxK.”
While most of the press response to the FxxK has been positive, there has been concern in the industry about letting Ferrari skirt US emissions and noise regulations and import the car into the United States. Autoblopnik has heard reports that a consortium of sports-car manufacturers have organized a lobby group called “Get the FxxK Out Of Here.”
Asked if the car’s unusual name could potentially cause controversy, Ferrari’s Peeyarisimo said “Of course not. Ferrari is the finest car in the world, and no matter what we call it, people will buy it. Even if we used a name that sounds like something naughty in another language, a name that is bound to be the butt of jokes for generations to come, people would buy it. But of course, that would never happen. Surely someone from one of our foreign offices would stop us from making ourselves look so foolish.”
Ferrari’s US spokespeople were not available for comment, but Cadillac’s Johann DeNysschen was.
“I guess naming all of the Infinitis Q or QX doesn’t look quite so stupid, does it?” he said.
P.S. Yep, SniffPetrol hit this one, too.
More of what’s new for 2014… or at least what ought to be new for 2014.
FXX: New terms of sale: Owners pay $3.4 million to buy the car and are allowed to look at it once every three months, but only at Ferrari’s secret garage in Modena*. If they can find it.
* Modena, New Jersey.
LA FERRARI: Unchanged, to be supplemented with a significantly larger sedan called Alliance and a hatchback version called Encore.
FIESTA: Redesigned with an Aston-Martin grille (amazing how many of these they still have, even all these years after the sale) and a one-liter turbocharged three-cylinder engine that no one in the media is ever going to get to drive in production form. Also available in a high-performance version called the St. Fiesta.
FOCUS: Unchanged. Next year, Europe will get an all-new Focus while America will get the same basic car for the next five years, restyled to look extra stupid.
FUSION: The 1.6 liter EcoBoobs engine has been recalibrated so as not catch fire until after the warranty runs out.
F-150: Now available in a new How Do You Like Them Apples Edition, commemorating the fact that even though RAM and Chevy pickups have been completely redesigned for 2014, the five-year-old F-150 still outsells them.
TAURUS SHO: The cupholders have been enlarged to hold a 44 oz Huge Fucking Gulp soda, and the steering wheel gets flat spots for the driver to rest his Triple Bypass Bacon Cheeseburger. An “I Don’t Trust The Liberal Media” bumper sticker is now standard.
ACCORD: The Blind Spot camera will be augmented with a Driver Portrait camera, so owners can see for themselves that smug expression that makes Accord drivers so fucking annoying.
CIVIC: Redesigned once more, this time with crease-free sheetmetal, taillights shaped like Paula Abdul’s ankles, and an interior upholstered in velcro and yak fur. Note that this version has already been deemed a failure and yet another redesign is scheduled for 2015. And 2016. And 2017.
ODYSSEY: The sheet metal stamping presses have finally been repaired so they can get rid of those silly zig-zag lines in the body sides.
RIDGELINE: Unchanged, and will remain so until Honda sells out of the last batch they built in 2009. We expect this to happen shortly before the next ice age.