Category: Johan De Nysschen

Ferrari introduces new FxxK

A Ferrari FxxK, yesterday

A Ferrari FxxK, yesterday

Much to the glee of automotive parody news sites everywhere, Ferrari has announced that their new track-only supercar will be called the FxxK.

“We wanted to strive for something really unique, something that would get everyone talking,” said Ferrari spokesissimo Salvatore Peeyarissimo. “When people see this car, we want them to say ‘Oh, FxxK!'”

Though an on-sale date has not been announced, Ferrari dealers report that potential owners are already putting down cash deposits.

“Whatever Ferrari charges for the car, I’m willing to spend,” said Rich Bastard, a toilet-tank entrepreneur from the upscale hamlet of Bureaucratic Falls, Connecticut. “I’ll pay anything for a fast FxxK.”

Owners groups have already begun springing up, first of which are a Maine-based organization called FxxK ME, a European group that will be known as FxxK EU, and group of American enthusiasts calling themselves FxxK US. Unusually for Ferrari, an family-oriented group of female owners has also been established; it will be called Mother FxxKers.

Ferrari says it plans to auction the first production FxxK to charity with proceeds going to benefit the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to the Less Than Bright. The charity event will be known as “Ferrari Gives a FxxK.”

While most of the press response to the FxxK has been positive, there has been concern in the industry about letting Ferrari skirt US emissions and noise regulations and import the car into the United States. Autoblopnik has heard reports that a consortium of sports-car manufacturers have organized a lobby group called “Get the FxxK Out Of Here.”

Asked if the car’s unusual name could potentially cause controversy, Ferrari’s Peeyarisimo said “Of course not. Ferrari is the finest car in the world, and no matter what we call it, people will buy it. Even if we used a name that sounds like something naughty in another language, a name that is bound to be the butt of jokes for generations to come, people would buy it. But of course, that would never happen. Surely someone from one of our foreign offices would stop us from making ourselves look so foolish.”

Ferrari’s US spokespeople were not available for comment, but Cadillac’s Johann DeNysschen was.

“I guess naming all of the Infinitis Q or QX doesn’t look quite so stupid, does it?” he said.

© Autoblopnik

P.S. Yep, SniffPetrol hit this one, too.

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Mercedes announces new sub-brands

A little piece of a Mercedes that says Maybach on it, yesterday

A little piece of a Mercedes that says Maybach on it, yesterday

Mercedes-Benz USA announced today that they will launch several new sub-brands and a new model naming convention, proving that even a stable, successful business plan is not immune to corporate fuckery.

“Our first new sub-brand vill be called Mercedes-Maybach,” said Mercedes brand manager Brent Meneger. “Ze press complained zat ze previous Maybach was too much like ze S-Class, vich was our plan all along, but ze subtlety vas lost on ze dummkopf Americans. So zis time we haf decided to make it more obvious.”

Meneger said the new Mercedes-Maybach S-Class will be “like an S-Class, but nicer, and it vill say ‘Maybach’ on it.” Asked if he could provide details, Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “Vat are you talking about? Zose are ze details.”

Dropping the fake German accent, Meneger explained the next sub-brand that Mercedes would add to its lineup.

“It’s called Mercedes-Shitzenwekre, and it will focus on building thirty-year-old Mercedes 300Ds with obnoxiously slow non-turbocharged diesel engines,” he said. “The cars will come from the factory with dented bodywork and 400,000 break-in miles on the odometer, and they will be sold exclusively to retired doctors who wear smug expressions and fuzzy sweaters.

“The third brand will be called Mercedes-Wannabe,” Meneger continued. “The Mercedes-Wannabe line will consist of black CLS350s with 24″ rims and the badges pried off so people will think they are CLS 63 AMGs. ”

Meneger went on to explain that Mercedes-Wannabe will use a non-traditional lease model based on that of the Ferrari FXX. Customers can call ahead when they want to drive their car, which they will pick up half a block from the trendy restaurant or nightclub of their choice so that they can be seen pulling up to the valet. Once they are done maxing out their credit cards buying overpriced alcohol for women who wouldn’t sleep with them if they had Brad Pitt’s looks, Wilt Chamberlain’s libido, and Carlos Slim’s bank balance, they can pick up the car at the valet, drive around the corner, return it to a Mercedes-Benz representative, and then drive home in whatever piece of shit they can actually afford.

Mercedes also announced a new naming convention, in which all of their SUVs will be named after a boxy Volvo of the 1980s.

“Frankly, we’re not sure how that happened,” Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “but I have heard reports that Johan DeNysschen has been seen sneaking around our corporate headquarters.”

© Autoblopnik.com

Related: Mercedes relaunched Maybach as budget-priced shitbox

de Nysschen’s message to Infiniti fans – The first draft

Infiniti President Johan de Nysschen, yesterday

Infiniti President Johan de Nysschen, yesterday

Autoblopnik has obtained what we believe to be an exclusive first draft of Infiniti president Johan de Nysschen’s message to Infiniti owners and fans.

Dear Infiniti fans:

We love you dearly. And we know you love the brand. Which means it’s only natural that you think we’ve lost our minds by naming all of our cars with the same letter. No one likes change, and no one likes fans who tell us when we have our heads up our asses, so I’m asking you, as a friend and as your President, to kindly shut the fuck up.

It was a tough decision. We like our current model names as much as you do. Hell, I named the FX50 after my own mother, FX50 de Nysschen. But we had no choice but to change. Let me explain.

1. We are embarking on massively offensive new products, and these new cars need names. Ever try to sell a car without a name? I have. It’s difficult, because if people walk into a showroom and say “I’d like to test drive the,” the dealers don’t know what to do. Anyway, there are 696 one- and two-letter combinations besides the ones we’re using, but it turns out the folks at Mercedes and Lexus trademarked almost all of them. Assholes. All that’s left is Q, QX, FU and MF. No matter, because that fits into our plans — we want to create a more flexible nomenclature philosophy, and nothing is more flexible than giving all your cars the same name. If it was good enough for George Foreman, it’s good enough for us.

2. Our new advanced technology engines will be smaller, lighter, more fuel efficient yet more powerful. That has nothing whatsoever to do with our silly new naming convention, but listen, bitches, I’m about to give you an Infiniti sedan with the GT-R engine, so don’t fucking complain about what we’re calling it, okay?

3. Infiniti is becoming a global brand now. Our new customers are unfamiliar with the brand and struggle to understand our range hierarchy. Is a JX above or below an FX? Where does an EX fit? Research confirms the majority of newcomers can simply walk into a showroom and see that the M is bigger and nicer than a G, but we have chosen to assume that most people are pretty fucking stupid, and stupid people buy Volvos, so we thought we’d just copy them.

4. Infiniti owns the naming assets of Q plus double digit, and QX plus double digit. It is a permanent part of our heritage. And Q is the same name as the really smart guy who made all of James Bond’s gadgets, which we think will really help push the high-tech marketing angle. Say, whatever happened to the actor who played that guy? Is he dead?

So the solution is pretty straightforward – use skillful marketing to differentiate the models, like BMW, Mercedes and Lexus. After all, there’s no confusion between the C-class and the S-Class, or the ES and the LS. But instead of doing that, we’re just going to give all of our cars the same letter, because it will save us a shit-ton of money in paperwork.

And no, we won’t call all-wheel-drive models Q50X or QX50X, because that would just be silly. Instead, we plan on sticking big chrome arrow-shaped badges pointing to the wheels that say “THE ENGINE MAKES THESE ONES TURN.” Remember what I said about our customers in point #3.

The really exciting implication of all this is that it prepares the way for the introduction of several fascinating new models, something we could easily do with our current naming structure, but don’t want to. Of course, this also means we can’t have more than nine models in each range… Oh, wait. Shit.

So there is only good news for all Infiniti fans around the globe. We are working very hard to bring you great products, a great brand, a compelling ownership experience, and a more difficult time telling your friends and relatives which Infiniti you bought. And we are really confident you will love the new Q50, the new flagship for the brand. Wait, that’s the Q80… no, sorry, Q70. The Q50 is the middle one. Or is that the Q30? No, I’m pretty sure Q30 is the entry-level car, which come to think of it we should have called the Q10. Yes, the Q50 is definitely the mid-line sedan… or is it the coupe? Oh, sweet Jesus.

Warmest regards,
Johan Sebastian Q de Nysschen
President
Infiniti Motor Company Limited

© Autoblopnik — Apologies to Sniff Petrol — Hat tip to a person who would probably get in big-ass trouble if we mentioned him/her by name, but you know who you are and we love you