After weeks of media silence, General Motors officials are finally commenting on the slow sales of Cadillac’s new ATS and CTS models.
“The media has speculated that the all-new ATS and CTS are not resonating with customers, but that’s not true,” said Nick Twerk, a former spokestwerker for Cadillac who hasn’t worked at Cadillac for years but was contacted as a source because David Caldwell’s name is not nearly as funny. “The truth is that the dealers are so crazy about the new cars, they just don’t want to let them go. They are hoarding the vehicles.”
Automotive Nudes recently reported that Cadillac dealers have a 152 day supply of the ATS, while the CTS stands at a 215 day supply.
“Normally, a 60 day supply is considered healthy,” said Twerk, “but in the case of the ATS and the CTS, the numbers prove just how much the dealers love these cars. The customers are there, the demand is there, but the dealers simply refuse to let go of them.”
Cadillac has taken several steps to alleviate the problem, including idling the Lansing, Michigan plant for three weeks in order to wean dealers off the cars and introducing a new ATS Coupe, a useless vehicle that GM officials are hoping will serve as a reasonable substitute for the volume-selling sedan. They have also given the ELR a ridiculously high price designed to put off consumers.
“We are hoping that the dealers will transfer their affection to these low-production models and release the ATS and CTS sedans to alleviate pent-up customer demand,” Twerk explained, adding, “Now if you have everything you need, I’d like to get back to my career strategy of going wherever Johan de Nysschen is not. Thank Q very much.”
Johan DeNysschen, recently hired to head up the beleaguered Cadillac brand, has announced his first major strategy, which is to change all of Cadillac’s model names to interpretive dance.
De Nysschen recently left his position as Infiniti’s former president of Audi, where he was best known for changing the name of every vehicle to Q, a move that inadvertently set off a copyright dispute in China.
“This is the next step in branding evolution,” said De Nysschen. “Market research shows that American buyers do not want to drive a Cadillac XTS. However, we believe they will be much more interested in driving a Cadillac” — he then stopped, raised his arms over his head, bowed his body low and then straightened suddenly, looked to the sky and tiptoed around in a circle.
De Nysschen says the new naming convention will concentrate on the slower-selling models, starting in 2015 with the Cadillacs soon to be known as the Cadillac formerly known as the XTS and the Cadillac formerly known as the ATS. The latter will now be identified by spreading the arms wide, jumping up and down three times, bending the knees deeply with each landing while making a kissy motion with the lips, and then bringing the arms together above the head while turning the toes outward.
“We’re still working on the strategy,” he said. “For example, we are doing market research to determine if the CTS’ new name should have the hands splayed out on the stomach before or after the deep-knee bends. We’re going into uncharted territory, so we really want to make sure we do this the right way.”
De Nysschen said that “V-Sport” versions of all models will be indicated by holding the arms up in a giant V while running rapidly from one end of the room to the other, a dance move he says symbolozes the V-series’ eleven-year heritage.
“This is just the beginning of big changes at Cadillac,” De Nysschen added. “I think when the motoring press sees the upcoming” — De Nysschen then pretended he was looking at something on the floor to the right, then to the left, then pointed his chin straight up as he jumped onto his desk, sat down, crossed and uncrossed his legs three times, and then clapped his hands twice before returning to his chair — “they’re really going to like it.”
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Cadillac spokesperson Cee Marron, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the new vehicle would be an affordably-priced compact sedan based on a front-wheel-drive architecture already in use by the company’s other divisions. The new small Cadillac will launch with a 1.8 liter four-cylinder engine, with a 2-liter engine and a small V6 (possibly a 60-degree 2.8 liter unit) to join the line up later in the production run.
“This new Cadillac precisely mimics the format being used on new models from Mercedes, Audi, and Acura,” Marron
said didn’t say. “We think it will attract buyers away from German and Japanese imports while introducing existing GM buyers to a new, more efficient type of Cadillac.”
told didn’t tell Autoblopnik that Cadillac was considering breaking away from the three-letter nomenclature used on current models. A name has not been finalized, but it would probably be “a cross between a type of spice and a word that means a really stupid person.”
Cadillac today announced that they have halted development of a B-segment compact hatchback due to a lack of available letters at the beginning of the alphabet.
“We’ve been naming our cars by size,” explained Cadillac spokesspeaker Delvin Approximately, speaking on the condition that we loan him bus fare. “You know, the CTS is smaller than the DTS, the ATS is smaller than the CTS, et cetera. We left plenty of room between the CTS and the XTS, but right after we launched the ATS, we realized there’s no letter before ‘A’. We’ve really painted ourselves into a corner here.”
Cadillac division head Dean Bootler callled the oversight “a boneheaded move,” adding, “When I find the person responsible, I’m going to put my foot up his ass and walk around the Renaissance Center with him. We’re off the record, right?”
Approximately would not give details about the car, but sources inside GM described it as a rear-drive hatchback with a two-liter turbocharged engine and all-wheel-drive. The car was being readied for a reveal during this fall’s auto show season, with production beginning late in 2013.
“We thought about calling the car ‘Minus-ATS’ or ‘One-TS’, but those names are just plain stupid,” said Approximately. “You can’t sell a car without a name, so we just decided to scrap the whole project. Shame, really. I drove one of the prototypes, and it was fackin’ nails.”
This isn’t the first time General Motors has had alphabetically-related problems. In recent years, the company has named their car platforms “Epsilon,” “Epsilon II” and “Super Epsilon,” apparently not realizing that there are several other letters in the Greek alphabet from which they can choose.
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Leather so serene,
Chromy glitz, but underneath
It’s just a LaCrosse.
- Model/price as tested: 2013 Cadillac XTS Platinum, $59.080
- Powertrain: 3.6 liter V6, 304 hp, front-wheel-drive
- Fuel economy: 17 MPG city/18 MPG highway
Autoblopnik attended a press preview, to which we were not invited, in order to facilitate this review.
© 2012 Autoblopnik