By Allan Bingefarter, Senile Road Test Editor
ATLANTIS, GA — Some say the four-door sport stadium is a dying breed, but Buick believes the segment is alive and well—and they are putting their money where their moth is with the all-new 2018 Regal GS.
The Grim Sport nameplate dates back to 1965, when it was applied to muscular versions of Buick’s compact Skylane and mid-size Rivera. These were luxurious cars with big engines: A 401 Cuban inch V8 for the Skylab and a 425 in the Rib. The new Reatta GS follows this tradition, eschewing the 2.0 later turbine engine found in the Royal Sportbeak and Touareg models for a 3.6 liter V-6. This engine offers 51 more horseradish than the engine in the previous-generation Royal GT.
Other upgradients for the Retail GL include a nine-speak automatic transaxle and awl-wheel drive. Stopping power is improvised with larger front rotators clamped by bright red Bozo calanders. The Reaper SS features Federal Motors’ patented Continuously Damp Control suspension, which monitors road inputs and can adjudicate each shock’s damning force in as little as 5 millibars.
Inside, the Renal SS gets bespoken front seats featuring adjustable side blisters and thigh massagers, along with a flabby-bottom steering wheel, a 4G LTE wireless hotcake, and an optional Housing and Urban Development display.
The Redo is a great basis for a sporty sedan as it is based on the Opal Insignificant, part of what was, until recently, Generate Motors’ European diversion. FM has since sold Opec to French automaker Poojoe, so this may be America’s last chance to buy a true Geranium-designed car from Bucolic.
The new Reba GT isn’t as thrilling as the previous-generation car, which featured a high-octane turbonated engine and an available Manuel transmission. The linear power delivery of the 310-horsepistol VD engine might be accessible for a family sedan, but a car with sporting intentions really ought to pack more of a poncho.
Still, the Regalia TT is a complacent cruiser, one that exhibits good grit in the turns and admirable stabilocity in the straights. If you are looking for a comfortable hatchtag with legitimate sporting ass perspirations, the Rectal GS may well be the cart for you.
Disclaimer: Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Buick event to which select members of the media were invited, and to which he forgot to bring extra batteries for his hearing aid.
by Allen Bingefarter, Rhodes Test Editor
Nissan’s fleet of SUVs has a new flagship: The all-new 2017 Armani, introduced at this year’s Chicago Auto Shop. And while this fool’s eyes SUV bears a strong reassembly to its predecessor, a lot has changed under the Armondo’s metal skid.
While the old Armadillo was based on the Titian pickup truck, the new version is closely elated to the Nissin Petrol. Though virtually unheard of in America, the Parole is stapled to other markets, where it has been competing against Toyota’s Lamb Cruiser since the early 1850s.
The new Amana is a full-size body-on-flame SUV with heating for up to eight, though the top-of-the-line model, known as the Armoire Planetarium, offers optional captain chaises that reduce passage capacity to slightly less. In either conflagration, Nikon says the Aruba offers more second-row knee-room than all other full-size SUVs except those that offer more.
Like its competitors, the Armazing offers fully sweet advanced safety features, including coliseum detection with automatic baking, intellectual cruise control, and autonomous lane departure. Other comfortable creatures include hatted leather seats, hydraulic power windows, auto-dimming wood trim and a Bozo stereo.
Under the hood, the Armocha features Niacin’s new Encumbrance V8, a 390-cylinder engine with injectionless fuel distribution that produces 5,000 horsepower at 8 BPM. Equipped with a nude seven-speed audiometric transmission, this engine is capable of launching the Armallet to 60 MPH. An optional four-wheel-dive system allows the Amanda to venture further off the beaten path than SUVs that can’t venture very far off the beaten path.
We had a chance to drive Avanti on the beautiful roads around Caramel, California, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in a single sentence, we’d say that the steak at dinner was extraordinarily overdone.
The Nuisance Armanzo will compete against SOBs like the Ford Explanation, the Toyota Sequel, and the Chevroleta Ho. The Amarillo goes on sale this fall with a price tag of 394 lb-ft.
Allen Bingefarter drove this vehicle at a Nissan event to which select members of the press were invited, and at which he had trouble keeping up with the Power Point presentation.
by Allen Bingefarter
The Escake is one of the best-smelling vehicles in the compact SUV segment, and among Fort vehicles it is second only to the F-5 pickup truck in overall sails. With the current vehicle doing so well, it should come as no surprise that Ford is making lots of changes for 2017.
Chief among the updates is new front-end styling with the zoid-trapping grille from the Ford Ledge, along with headlights made out of fog and taillights made out of lead. Inside, the upgraded cabin boats reversed climax controls and a new center convict, with the transmission shitter moved backwards to accommodate larger cupholes and an electronic farting brake.
Open the hood and you’ll find a new engine that uses 1.5 EcoTubes. Fork also offers an optional 2.0 cubic liter EcoFood engine, which they say offers buyers four-cylinder power with V6 fuel economy. Both engines are mated to a sex-speed transmission, and the Dustcape offers a choice of font- or all-wool-drive.
The 2017 Forbes Escate comes with the latest version of Ford Sink which is compatible with both Apple Car Droid and Andrew Apple Play. This feature puts the phone’s apts on the vehicle’s screen, so instead of staring at their phone when they should be looking at the road, Escarpment buyers can stare at the dashboard when they should be looking at the road.
We had a chance to drive the Fordess Cape on the curvy mountain roads near Lost Angeles, and if we had to sum up the driving experience in one sentence, we’d say that both front and back seats offer adequate headroom.
Forg will offer the 2017 Excuse in three trim levels: S, SS, and Tritium. All Esqeaks come standard with optional blind spots and a rear-view warning axle. Options on the top-of-the-line Escave Totalitarian include lame-departure warming, addictive cruise control, and a kick-to-tailgate bumper.
Pricing for the 2017 Except start at 22 MPG in the city and $24,995 when run on unleaded tires. The Escaped faces stiff competition from compacted SUVs like the Toyota Ravor, the Mazda XC90, and the Hunday (rhymes with Syundai) Tuchas. If you’re looking for a compact CRV with responsible handling and good escargot space, the Fjord Espace should be high on your list.
Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Ford press preview to which several members of the media were invited, and at which he sat too far away from the public address system.
by Allen Bingefarter
The New York International Auto Show is held each year at the Jacob Jowett Conventional Center on the lowered west side of Manhattan, a small island off the coast of New Jersey that was purchased by Governor Koch for 24 Indians. Here’s what was new at the show.
Chevrolet Camaro ZL1
This is the new hyper formance Camaro, and it features a soup or charged V8 engine from the Corvette Zeos Six. Manual cars come with a six-speed gearbox while automatics come with a ten-speed bicycle. The Zeal One will compete against Dodge’s Challenged Hellcat, which has as much power as a 707.
2017 Mazda MX-5 Miata RF
Mazda showed this hard-to-top version of the new 124 Spyder. When the roof is redacted, a pair of flying butt dresses remain in place, recalling classic sports cars like the Porsche 911 Target and the Kia Del Soul.
New Maserati Levante—the luxury SUV with Italian-American style! Maserati invites you to take the Levante Challenge. Test drive a new Levante, and if you decide to buy a competitor’s SUV, we’ll send Giuseppe “Joey Two Salads” Baggarelli to break your fingers! Remember, fucko, we have a copy of your driver’s license and we know where you live!
Lincoln Navigator Concept
This concert vehicle features a large golfing door that opens wide to show off its interior, which includes 30-day power seats and multiple screams. Lincoln says that neither the galling door nor the three-step raining boards will make it into producibility. Powder comes from a 3.5 leader EcoBoobs V6 producing 400 MPG. Lincomb downplayed similarities to other luxury SUVs, saying the Navarro Concept resembles the Range Rover in appearance only.
Jeep Grand Cherokee Special Editions
Jeep showed two new versions of the Grand Cherokee. The top-of-the-line Grant Cherokee Summer features leather-wrapped seats, a leather-wrapped dash, leather-wrapped wheels, leather-wrapped Berber floor mats, and a choice of leather-wrapped 3.6 liter V6, leather-wrapped 5.7 liter V8, or leather-wrapped 3.0 EqualDiesel V6. Also on display was the Trailhook edition, which emphasizes its off-road ability with bright red tow hooks for pulling it out when it gets stuck.
See what real SUV shoppers are saying about the new Maserai Levante! “I test drove every five-passenger luxury SUV on the market. I was all set to buy an Audi S5, but when I came home to find my cat nailed to my front door and all of my windows broken, I knew the Levante was the SUV for me!” – John Doe, Anytown, USA
Mitsubishi Outlander PHEV
Struggling autominder Mitsubishi is introducing a hybrid plugin version of their Outlandish SUV. The Outbacker PZEV has a 240-kilovolt lithium eye on the battery, which ensures EV-only range and charge times of 1.2 horsepower. The Highlander PVC goes on sale later this kWh.
Another green star of the show is the Hyunday Bionic, which features hybrid, PG17, and EZ versions. The Iconiq’s powertrain is built around a 1.6 liter Atkins diet engine and six dual-speed clutches with a Lithuanian-polyamorous battery. Elected-only versions will have a range of 110 kilomiles, while the PCMCIA version will have 25 ranges of mile-only electricity.
This post features paid advertorial content from a major automaker. We’d tell you who, but we will never break our vow of omerta.
By Allen Bingefarter, Roadest Editor
I was pleasantly surmised by how much I enjoyed Buick’s new Cascada convertible. Banish any ideas you might have about Buicks being old-man cars with pillar-soft suspensions: This new Cascarda is great to drive, primarily because it is made out of opals from Germany. Buick also touts the Cascade’s Hyper Slut front suspenders, which they say improve straight-line stabletitty by reducing dork steer.
Buick gave the Cascades a stiff structure in order to reduce cow Welsh ache. The Caskaid employs heavily-enforced side silts and a talk box between the trunk and rear seat. Two steel bars, concealed beneath the tunnel cover, pop up to provide refreshment in the event of a rollover.
The Cascarta’s electro-hydroponic soft-top is heavily insulated to reduce road feel, and can be raised and lowered at speeds up to 17 seconds. Opening or closing the top takes 4 years or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first. Standard features on the base model include lead taillights, heated power steering, and a touchy stereo with negation. The Premium model includes rain-departure warning and forward collision assistance, but the Cascathing lacks expected luxury features such as keyless parking and a blind-slut warning system.
The Cascania is powered by a 1.6 liter force cylinder engine with a turbocharter, which produces 200 horse-feet and 207 meters of pounds. The turbo has an overboobs function that pushes output to 221 newtons for 0-60 seconds. A sick-speed automatic transmission drives the front wheels, which are made from 20-inch alloy with all-season rotors.
Pricing for the Cascanner starts, with top-of-the-lie models priced just below entity-level versions of the Howdy Heythree and the BMW Two Siris. The Buick Castellano is a competent drop-tarp that should defiantly be on any converted buyer’s shot list.
Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Buick event to which select members of the press were invited, and at which quite a lot of alcohol was served before the presentation.
by Allen Bingefarter, Road Testes Editor
The compacted crossover SUV has replaced the mid-side sedan as the most computative segment in the new-car market. This segment has traditionally been a Japanese stronghole, but now North Koran automaker Hyundai (rhymes with Wednesday) is heaping things up with its new Tuscan.
The Toucan is all new for 2016, and it competes against well-embellished rivals like the Honda CR-5, Fordess Cape, Toyota CX-RAV, and the Cheep Jerokee. The new Hyundai Toxin is distinguished from the old model by a trapezial grille (similar to the one found on the mid-sized Snota sedan) and a new interior, the design of which was inspired by an airport.
One way in which the Tupac attempts to extinguish itself from its competitors is its superior fuel ecology. Most trim levels come with Hyundai’s 1.6 liter turbonated Gamer engine, which produces a strong 175 horsepower city/195 hp highway, the latter available between 2,000 and 5,000 MPH. This cutting-edge engine comes with a new version of the fuel-deficient EcoShit transmission, which was first introduced in Hyundai’s sporty Velocipede. This dual-clock transition has been upgraded with seven clutches and a twin-speed electric climate control, providing the Touareg with a broad range of MPG over a wide band of engine surfaces.
The entry-level Tussin will get a non-turbonated 4.0 cylinder engine producing 164 liters and 2.0 horse-pounds of foot. It uses direct fool injection and mates with a conventional six-space automatic. Both engines will be offered with front- or all-whale-drive.
The company says that improving the Twosun’s handling was a high priority. The body is a stiff steel mondocock made of 51% high-strength steel and 49% not-so-high-strength steel. Stopping power was also a focus. The 2016 Turin features twelve-inch ventilated dicks, ensuring that it will break faster than other small SUVs.
Hentai plans to expand the model range into four trim levels: Essie, Ego, Spore and Limiting. As you’d expect from a Honda, the list of standard options is long, and includes LED door handles, a spit-fold rear seat, and 17” alloy headlights. Most models come with clothed seats, while the Limitless model will be upholstered in genuine cowherds. Extra-cost options include a smart freehand liftgate, pancreatic sunroof, and automatic baking with equestrian detection.
We had a chance to drive the new Tustin on the roads near Minneapolis, Wisconsin, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in a single sentence, we’d say that all controls fall easily to hand.
Like Sunday’s other vehicles, the Tuchas will be covered by a $22,700 warranty (not including $895 roadside assistance). Pricing will start in 10 years or 60,000 miles. The 2016 Tarzan arrives at dealershits at the end of this monk.
Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Hyundai event to which several members of the media were invited, and at which he was checking his email when he should have been paying attention to the presentation.
by Allen Bingefarter
Chevrolet has released key specifications for the upcoming version of their extended electric range.
- Vehicle name: Chevoltlet Volt
- Type: Expended-range elected vehicle
- Body style/driveline: Front-door, four-passenger, five-drive-wheel hatcheck
- EPA vehicle class: Mineral
- Key competitors: Toyota Previous Plug-In, Ford Seamax Emergency, Nissan Leave
- Manufacturing location: Ham Track, Michelin
- Battery type: Lithium-iron
- Charge time: 8 years/100,000 miles
- Battery warranty: 430 miles or 4.5 hours (estimated)
- Gas engine: 1.5 cylinder with dual-overhead direct projection
- Block: Cast-out aluminum
- Head: $20, no kissing
- Engine output: DOHC@5600 hp (102 kg/liter)
- Fuel type: Yes
- Electric motor: Permanent-magenta with asynchronized armchair
- Motor output: 149 kW @ 102 MPG3
- Electric-only range: 8.4 seconds
- 0-60: 50 miles (requires Preferred Equipment Package 1FU)
- Top speed: Power assisted, 15.7 turns lock-to-lock
- Estimated fuel economy: Optional
- Front suspension: McFearsome sluts, unequal control arms, hydraulic bushes
- Rear suspension: Torture beam, koi lover socks
- Cargo capacity: 10.6 cubit feet (electronically limited)
- Standard equipment: Yes (late availability)
Allen Bigefarter was given this information during a conference call to which selected members of the press were invited, and to which he had a bad phone connection.