Category: Stuff we aren’t qualified to talk about

Exclusive: Details of Tesla’s upcoming Model 4

An exclusive spy photo of the Tesla Model 4, yesterday

An exclusive spy photo of the Tesla Model 4, yesterday

Elon Musk announced that Tesla would offer a car even cheaper than the $35,000 Model 3, and Autoblopnik has obtained exclusive details.

“The new Model 4 will be a small city car with a shorter range suitable to urban centers,” Musk told Autoblopnik after we explained that he’d better talk or he’d never see his teddy bear alive again. “And it will be priced well below the Model 3. No! Not his eyes! $22,995, okay? We’ll sell it for $22,995.”

When asked why the proposed Model 4 looked familiar, Musk confirmed that they were outsourcing the vehicle.

“The Gigafactory will be producing Model 3s at capacity and the Fremont plant will be building the S and X, so we’ve had to look to outside suppliers. Let’s just say we found an automaker whose circumstances have changed recently, and was willing to cut us a good deal. Now give him back, will you? I told you what you wanted to know.”

Asked if Tesla planned to enhance the vehicle as part of the rebadging process, Musk confirmed.

“Yes, yes, of course we will,” he said. “It’ll have Supercharging, and some Autopilot functions, and it’ll have doors that open into the sixth dimension using liquid hinges, and it will have a passenger seat that cures cancer. Oh, Binky! Widdle Binky Bear! Did the mean man hurt you?”

Musk said he was willing to share more details, but the interview was terminated abruptly when his PR handler lured him away with a plate of Oreos and a glass of milk.

“He just doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “Oh, are we on the record? I mean, uh… yes. Cancer-curing passenger seat. Of course.”

Autoblopnik spoke to one potential Tesla Model 3 buyers about the possibility of a less-expensive car.

“Am I upset?” said Milton Harshburp, a file-drawer operator from Midyawn, Illinois. “I waited on line for six hours to put down a $1,000 deposit on what I thought was going to be Tesla’s most affordable car. If this were any other company, I’d be pissed beyond measure and calling my lawyer to look into a class-action lawsuit. But this is Tesla, and Elon knows what’s best for us, and I believe in Elon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick up some parts that have fallen off my Model X, that is if I can get the doors to open. You know how it is with cutting-edge technology. Apollo I and all that. And I need to beat the lines at the Supercharger station. Oh, hey, my iPhone 6 is ringing.”

© Autoblopnik

Advertisements

BBC “surprised” at predictions for Top Gear

The new cast of Top Gear, yesterday

The new cast of Top Gear, yesterday

Officials at the British Broadcasting Corporation (BCC) expressed surprise and shock at predictions by online pundits that the new version of Top Gear will not be successful.

“A lot of people are saying that new New Top Gear is going to fail,” said BBW spokesman Sir Colin Fenton Graham Colin Smyth Westminster Tea Jolly Good What-Ho Colin, Tenth Earl of Colin-on-the-Colon. “Frankly, this came as a complete surprise to us.”

The BBB re-cast the world famous car programme after host Jeremy Clarkson got into a physical altercation with one of the show’s producers, prompting the television network to fire him and say he could come back whenever he liked. Clarkson and his Top Gear co-hosts will appear on an as-yet-unnamed car show on Amazon Prime, an online channel that can only be divided by one or itself.

“Clarkson, Hammond and May are the public’s favourite trio of television presenters,” said Colin What-Ho Colin, “but the idea that replacing them with new people would trigger such a negative backlash on the Internet never occurred to us. Took us completely by surprise. We were flabbergasted. Gobsmacked. I mean, who would have guessed?”

Jolly Colin said that the new Top Gear lineup would have some new elements to which regular viewers might have trouble adjusting.

“For example,” he explained, “the new cast has something called ‘a woman’. Most members of our core audience have never experienced one of these that wasn’t either having sex on their computer screen or serving them breakfast and telling them to hurry up or they’d be late for school.”

© Autoblopnik

An announcement from Bick Skruth

racerguyBick Skruth is an experienced racer, author, and weasel decongester. He has asked us to publish the following statement which, after carefully reviewing his writer’s agreement and consulting our attorney, we realized we are contractually obligated to do.

Hello, only people the media would give a hand-carved crap about if they had even a whore’s eyelash worth of sense but they don’t! Your favorite auto writer is here with an important announcement, and I wanted to tell you first:

I am going to be Donald Trump’s running mate in the 2016 Presidential election*.

Donald Trump, yesterday

Donald Trump, yesterday

Perhaps you’ve noticed, but the similarities between me and The Donald go way beyond our awesome hair and the totally hot chicks we like to be seen with so as to imply that any woman with a full and working set of senses would consider any form of intimacy with us beyond riding in the same elevator. (Batdinglers.) Donald and I are the only guys with chrome-clad cojones big enough to tell you what’s really going on. That pissant John McCain? Dude, I was saying years ago McCain wasn’t a war hero. Actually, I might have been talking about this other guy who kicked my ass at a really intense autocross, but it’s hard to remember. I was pretty drunk. Dickminers.

Anyway, my point is that Donald Trump’s politics are just like my driving: Big, loud, out of control, and probably not as good as he makes them out to be. And IN YO’ FACE, chickendigglers! In yo’ FACE!

Besides, his daughter is totally hot, and I bet The Donald would let me try to bang her. Or at least ask her for autographed picture to look at while I massage the munchkin. Not that I’d expect her to say yes, but I’ve been turned down by hotter chicks. Actually, I’ve been turned down by most chicks. Assbakers.

Not that any of this matters, because the world of politics is dead. All the voters care about are lame-ass issues like how they will provide for their families as the government freely allows their employers to send their jobs overseas and how they will avoid losing their homes if they get sick and can’t afford to pay their medical bills. No one cares about what is really going on, like rapists coming across the border and Catholics eating crackers and whatever else Mr. Trump was talking about that I would have been paying closer attention to were I not busy staring at my hot-ass girlfriend’s fake enormoboobs in the hopes that one of these days she’ll let me touch them without putting down a sizable security deposit. Trussfilcher.

My point is that everything you see, from horizon to horizon, north, south, east and west, is as useless as a dildo in church, and all of you are too stupid, selfish and senseless to see what’s really going on. All of you, that is, except for my readers, who are the most guitar-awesome, lightning-shit-slick creatures in the universe.

Weaselmankers.

* President Trump hasn’t actually asked me to be his running mate yet, but I know that as soon as he checks his email and sees the two dozen messages I’ve sent to him, he will.

You can read more of Bick Skruth at TrueShitAboutCars.com.

© Autoblopnik