Mercedes-Benz USA announced today that they will launch several new sub-brands and a new model naming convention, proving that even a stable, successful business plan is not immune to corporate fuckery.
“Our first new sub-brand vill be called Mercedes-Maybach,” said Mercedes brand manager Brent Meneger. “Ze press complained zat ze previous Maybach was too much like ze S-Class, vich was our plan all along, but ze subtlety vas lost on ze dummkopf Americans. So zis time we haf decided to make it more obvious.”
Meneger said the new Mercedes-Maybach S-Class will be “like an S-Class, but nicer, and it vill say ‘Maybach’ on it.” Asked if he could provide details, Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “Vat are you talking about? Zose are ze details.”
Dropping the fake German accent, Meneger explained the next sub-brand that Mercedes would add to its lineup.
“It’s called Mercedes-Shitzenwekre, and it will focus on building thirty-year-old Mercedes 300Ds with obnoxiously slow non-turbocharged diesel engines,” he said. “The cars will come from the factory with dented bodywork and 400,000 break-in miles on the odometer, and they will be sold exclusively to retired doctors who wear smug expressions and fuzzy sweaters.
“The third brand will be called Mercedes-Wannabe,” Meneger continued. “The Mercedes-Wannabe line will consist of black CLS350s with 24″ rims and the badges pried off so people will think they are CLS 63 AMGs. ”
Meneger went on to explain that Mercedes-Wannabe will use a non-traditional lease model based on that of the Ferrari FXX. Customers can call ahead when they want to drive their car, which they will pick up half a block from the trendy restaurant or nightclub of their choice so that they can be seen pulling up to the valet. Once they are done maxing out their credit cards buying overpriced alcohol for women who wouldn’t sleep with them if they had Brad Pitt’s looks, Wilt Chamberlain’s libido, and Carlos Slim’s bank balance, they can pick up the car at the valet, drive around the corner, return it to a Mercedes-Benz representative, and then drive home in whatever piece of shit they can actually afford.
Mercedes also announced a new naming convention, in which all of their SUVs will be named after a boxy Volvo of the 1980s.
“Frankly, we’re not sure how that happened,” Meneger told Autoblopnik.com, “but I have heard reports that Johan DeNysschen has been seen sneaking around our corporate headquarters.”
Just days after ceasing production of its ultra-luxury Maybach vehicles, Daimler AG has announced that they will re-launch the brand as an affordable entry-level car designed to provide semi-reliable transportation and reduced property values for credit-challenged customers.
Maybach — now pronounced “mey-back”, like it is spelled — plans to offer two models in the United States. First to go on sale will be the Maybach Thirty-Two, a mid-size rear-wheel-drive sedan powered by a 3.2 liter inline six cylinder engine tuned for 90 hp, rendering the 0-60 run impossible. Maybach says the Thirty-Two will feature slow-ratio recirculating-ball steering and drum brakes all around for easy do-it-yourself maintenance. Options include a set of cement blocks for parking the car on soft ground such as the front lawn. The Thirty-Two will be pre-rusted at the factory in order to give each car its own unique look.
Maybach will follow up with the One Six, a small hatchback with a 1.6 liter four-cylinder engine mated to a five-speed manual transmission that won’t go into fourth. The One Six’s engine has an auto-stop feature that automatically shuts the engine down any time the buyer has a job interview and restarts it when the supply of beer and/or cigarettes runs low. The One Six will have a long list of standard equipment, including a cassette stereo with two blown speakers and a two-tone paint-and-primer color scheme.
In order to simplify the buying process, Maybach plans to employ a no-haggle set-price policy that includes zero-down financing at 29.9% APR and one year of mimimum liability insurance. Buyers will have the option to purchase the “Your Car, Your Problem” extended warranty, which provides comprehensive coverage for all parts of the vehicle except the engine, driveline, body, interior, electrical system, fuel system and wear parts for ten minutes or as soon as the car leaves the dealer’s lot, whichever comes first.
Maybach will not officially comment on future product plans, but inside sources tell Autoblopnik the company is testing a full-size pickup truck with a few planks of wood where the bed should be, as well as a creepy-looking V8-powered cargo van.