In response to speculation that the next-generation Corvette will be based on a mid-engine platform, General Motors has revealed that the Corvette will use a unique engine mounting system that will provide several options for engine placement.
“We’ve devised a sliding engine mount for the C8 Corvette,” explained Corvette engineer Bo Lingreen. “This way, owners will be able to have a front-engine Corvette, a mid-engine Corvette, a rear-engine Corvette, or any combination of those three.”
Lingreen said the impetus for designing such a unique engine mounting system was the rampant conjecture about the configuration of future Corvettes.
“Frankly, we’ve just grown sick and tired of people speculating about where the next Corvette engine is going to be,” Lingreen said, “I mean, for fuck’s sake, we’ve spent over sixty years turning the Corvette into one of the best-handling cars known to man, and yet you keep spouting off about how the ‘ultimate’ Corvette would be a mid-engine design. Seriously, people, if the Corvette would be better with the engine in the middle, don’t you think we would have made one that way by now? We’re sick of all the Monday-morning quarterbacking, so when the C8 comes out, you can put the engine wherever you damn well please. Put it in the glove compartment for all we care. Just stop whining about how we ought to engineer our cars, because the truth is that you people will never be satisfied, and we just can’t be bothered anymore.”
Asked whether the next-generation Corvette might employ a twin-turbo V6 in place of the traditional V8, Lingreen invited Autoblopnik to go have sex with itself before abruptly terminating the interview.
Elon Musk announced that Tesla would offer a car even cheaper than the $35,000 Model 3, and Autoblopnik has obtained exclusive details.
“The new Model 4 will be a small city car with a shorter range suitable to urban centers,” Musk told Autoblopnik after we explained that he’d better talk or he’d never see his teddy bear alive again. “And it will be priced well below the Model 3. No! Not his eyes! $22,995, okay? We’ll sell it for $22,995.”
When asked why the proposed Model 4 looked familiar, Musk confirmed that they were outsourcing the vehicle.
“The Gigafactory will be producing Model 3s at capacity and the Fremont plant will be building the S and X, so we’ve had to look to outside suppliers. Let’s just say we found an automaker whose circumstances have changed recently, and was willing to cut us a good deal. Now give him back, will you? I told you what you wanted to know.”
Asked if Tesla planned to enhance the vehicle as part of the rebadging process, Musk confirmed.
“Yes, yes, of course we will,” he said. “It’ll have Supercharging, and some Autopilot functions, and it’ll have doors that open into the sixth dimension using liquid hinges, and it will have a passenger seat that cures cancer. Oh, Binky! Widdle Binky Bear! Did the mean man hurt you?”
Musk said he was willing to share more details, but the interview was terminated abruptly when his PR handler lured him away with a plate of Oreos and a glass of milk.
“He just doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up,” said Tesla spokesperson Tess LaSpokesperson. “Oh, are we on the record? I mean, uh… yes. Cancer-curing passenger seat. Of course.”
Autoblopnik spoke to one potential Tesla Model 3 buyers about the possibility of a less-expensive car.
“Am I upset?” said Milton Harshburp, a file-drawer operator from Midyawn, Illinois. “I waited on line for six hours to put down a $1,000 deposit on what I thought was going to be Tesla’s most affordable car. If this were any other company, I’d be pissed beyond measure and calling my lawyer to look into a class-action lawsuit. But this is Tesla, and Elon knows what’s best for us, and I believe in Elon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go pick up some parts that have fallen off my Model X, that is if I can get the doors to open. You know how it is with cutting-edge technology. Apollo I and all that. And I need to beat the lines at the Supercharger station. Oh, hey, my iPhone 6 is ringing.”
by Allen Bingefarter
Chevrolet has released key specifications for the upcoming version of their extended electric range.
- Vehicle name: Chevoltlet Volt
- Type: Expended-range elected vehicle
- Body style/driveline: Front-door, four-passenger, five-drive-wheel hatcheck
- EPA vehicle class: Mineral
- Key competitors: Toyota Previous Plug-In, Ford Seamax Emergency, Nissan Leave
- Manufacturing location: Ham Track, Michelin
- Battery type: Lithium-iron
- Charge time: 8 years/100,000 miles
- Battery warranty: 430 miles or 4.5 hours (estimated)
- Gas engine: 1.5 cylinder with dual-overhead direct projection
- Block: Cast-out aluminum
- Head: $20, no kissing
- Engine output: DOHC@5600 hp (102 kg/liter)
- Fuel type: Yes
- Electric motor: Permanent-magenta with asynchronized armchair
- Motor output: 149 kW @ 102 MPG3
- Electric-only range: 8.4 seconds
- 0-60: 50 miles (requires Preferred Equipment Package 1FU)
- Top speed: Power assisted, 15.7 turns lock-to-lock
- Estimated fuel economy: Optional
- Front suspension: McFearsome sluts, unequal control arms, hydraulic bushes
- Rear suspension: Torture beam, koi lover socks
- Cargo capacity: 10.6 cubit feet (electronically limited)
- Standard equipment: Yes (late availability)
Allen Bigefarter was given this information during a conference call to which selected members of the press were invited, and to which he had a bad phone connection.
The big news from this year’s Pebble Beach Concorde d’Elephants was the announcement of the Renovo Coupe, an all-electric supercar from Renovo Motors of Silicon Valley.
“Our goal is to build the most exciting cars in the world, and we believe the way to do that is with electric power,” said Christian Heifer, Renovo’s co-founder and CEO.
The $529,000 Renovo Coupe is powered by a pair of axial flux electric motors that produce 500 horsepower and 1,000 lb-ft of torque. With full power available at all speed ranges, the Renovo Coupe can rocket to 60 MPH in 3.4 seconds and on to a top speed of 120 MPH.
Heifer stresses that the Renovo Coupe is more than just a straight-line performer, with Hyperco coil springs, fully-adjustable Öhlins dampers, 6-piston front/4-piston rear disc brakes, and Michelin Pilot Sport tires that the company claims will fulfill the promise of its classic GT-inspired styling.
“The world has never seen an electric car that performs the way ours does,” said Heifer.
Renovo says that with the batteries fully charged, the Coupe has a maximum range of 30 feet.
Ford announced that it will counter the upcoming Dodge Challenger Hellcat with a new version the Mustang to be called the Heavenferret.
Spokesferret Jay Soncampeight described the Mustang Heavenferret’s engine as a twin-turbocharged, quad-supercharged 7.5 liter V8 producing “eight hundred plus” horsepower and “I’m not sure but whatever it is it’ll be more than Dodge” lb-ft of torque.
Soncampeight said the new Mustang Heavenferret will get from 0-60 in about 4.5 seconds. When told that the Challenger Hellcat has a preducted 0-60 time under four seconds, Soncapmeight said, “In that case, the Hevenferret does it in three point five. No, you know what? The Mustang Heavenferret is always going 60 MPH. It doesn’t have to accelerate to 60 because it’s already going 60. All the time.”
He then added, “Let’s see those Eye-talians beat that.”
Asked about the Heavenferret name, Soncampeight explained that ferrets tend to be owned by young, trendy, forward-thinking individuals, while cat people tend to suffer from low self esteem, unfulfilling personal relationships, and chronic Toyota ownership.
“Besides,” he said, “the new Mustang kind of looks like a ferret.”
General Motors would not comment on plans for a competing vehicle, but an anonymous company representative named Fred told Autoblopnik that Chevrolet is considering an 11-liter, 1200 horsepower version of the Camaro to be called the Purgatorychicken.
Cadillac spokesperson Cee Marron, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the new vehicle would be an affordably-priced compact sedan based on a front-wheel-drive architecture already in use by the company’s other divisions. The new small Cadillac will launch with a 1.8 liter four-cylinder engine, with a 2-liter engine and a small V6 (possibly a 60-degree 2.8 liter unit) to join the line up later in the production run.
“This new Cadillac precisely mimics the format being used on new models from Mercedes, Audi, and Acura,” Marron
said didn’t say. “We think it will attract buyers away from German and Japanese imports while introducing existing GM buyers to a new, more efficient type of Cadillac.”
told didn’t tell Autoblopnik that Cadillac was considering breaking away from the three-letter nomenclature used on current models. A name has not been finalized, but it would probably be “a cross between a type of spice and a word that means a really stupid person.”
Ford this week released photos of, and technical details for, the all-new 2015 Mustang, which it calls “the most advanced Mustang ever.”
“The all-new 2015 Ford Mustang is brimming with advanced technologies that will improve the driving experience,” said Ford spokesadvancer Deborah Hotbaddabing. “Chief among them is a new ‘Independent Rear Suspension,’ which attaches each of the rear wheels to the car with no interconnection and provides levels of comfort and control heretofore unknown in a Mustang.”
Hotbaddabing said the Mustang will also feature advanced stopping technology known as “four wheel disc brakes,” which shorten stopping distances in the rain and reduce fade after repeated hard stops, while the powertrains all feature a device known as an “Engine Control Computer,” which measures dozens of parameters each second and uses that data to fine-tune the timing of the fuel and spark.
Additionally, the all-new Mustang will offer advanced safety technology including inflatable restraints known as “airbags,” mechanical restraints referred to as “three-point safety belts,” and a new windshield made of a high-tech impact-resistant material called “laminated safety glass.”
“Mustang’s advanced technology also improves comfort and convenience,” Hotbaddabing told Autoblopnik. “For example, the new Mustang uses electricity generated by the engine to reduce steering effort, as well as a vacuum system that allows the brakes to be applied with less pedal effort. And for those who don’t wish to grapple with the gearshift, Mustang will offer an advanced self-shifting clutchless gearbox known as an ‘automatic transmission’.”
Autoblopnik asked Hotbaddabing to speculate what company founder Henry Ford might react to the new Mustang were he still alive.
“I’m sure Mr. Ford would have had reservations about getting away from the proven suspension technology used on the Model T,” she said. “But he’d be very pleased to know the company still hasn’t been taken over by Jew bankers.”
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