Category: We couldn’t make this stuff up if we tried

More Motor Trend reveals on the way

Motor Trend Magazine, yesterday

Motor Trend Magazine, yesterday

Following the stunning reveal of their made-up idea of what an Apple Car could conceivably look like should it ever actually begin to exist, Motor Trend Magazine said this is only the first of a series of what they refer to as “compelling and completely misleading efforts to prop up our flagging sales.”

“This is a brand-new direction for us,” said Motor Trend speculator-in-chief New Loh, speaking loudly so as to be heard over the sound of his soul being slowly sucked away. “While it’s true that Motor Trend has access to some of the most exclusive cars in the world, and has the facilities, budget and editorial talent to create exciting content that is well beyond the capabilities of most publications, we thought it would be better to just make shit up about cars we don’t really know anything about and tease it by implying that we have actual information.”

The Interwebs were abuzz with positive comments praising Motor Trend’s brave decision to promote the living crap out of what turned out to be speculative baloney.

“Zero facts and a waste of time,” enthused @BirdhouseShagger.

“Where’s the Unlike button so I can click on it a billion jillion zillion times?” praised @StudlyMinister69.

“i have a 2003 daihatsu salmon plague Edition need to replace the Airflow sensor for the left windscreen wiper do you know where i Can get one please email me at 4553 dung station road dibba al-hisin 45 sarjah uae thanks philip o’cocker,” posted @MicroPhilDubai.

After largely shredding their credibility with the online community, Loh said the magazine planned to open themselves to further ridicule by putting the speculative Apple Car on the cover of their June 2016 issue.

“We were hoping to compound the misery by including a DVD of that soul-sucking 29-minute video snoozefest we posted to YouTube,” Loh told Autoblopnik. “Unfortunately, we’ve been told that DVDs are considered an obsolete technology, much like printed magazines.”

Loh said that in the wake of the success of their Apple Car fiasco, the magazine is planning to create exclusive previews of other things that don’t exist, including Santa Claus’ elves, affordable personal jetpacks, a real-live unicorn, a cure for the common cold, an increase in Motor Trend subscriptions, and a sustainable business model for TEN, the magazine’s parent company.

© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to a guy we can’t name ‘cos he’d probably get fired and to Jalopnik for calling it the way they saw it

Toyota kills Scion brand, citing its success

A Scion xB, yesterday

A Scion xB, yesterday

Toyota has announced that the Scion brand, launched in 2003 to bring younger buyers into the Toyota family, would be discontinued at the end of the 2016 model year.

“Scion has been a raging success for Toyota,” said former Scion spokesperson Sy Yonspoke-Spersen. “As we said in our press release, 70 percent of Scion buyers are new to Toyota and 50 percent are under the age of 35. The Scion brand has done exactly what we intended it to do, which is why we are getting rid of it.”

Yonspoke-Sperson said the decision to eliminate the successful Scion brand, which was originally intended to draw in buyers who thought the Toyota brand was too staid, was prompted by “customer needs”.

“Our latest market research indicates that all of the young buyers who do not want to buy Toyotas actually do want to buy Toyotas,” he explained. “So, really, everything should be just fine, and there is no need to ask any further questions.”

All of the current Scion models will be moved to the to the Toyota brand except for the tC coupe.

“The tC has done extraordinarily well for the Scion brand,” Yonspoke-Sperson told Autoblopnik, “and it also happens to be the only Scion vehicle not duplicated by a similarly-sized Toyota or Lexus product. Therefore, it will be discontinued.”

A Scion iQ, yesterday

A Scion iQ, yesterday

Joe Lintz, CEO of Toyota North Motor America, offered praise for the brand as he prepared to kill it and eliminate virtually all traces of its existence.

“Scion was not a failure, it was a success,” Lintz insisted, “and all successful things come to an end. NASA’s lunar explanation program? History. World War II? Done. David Bowie? Pushing up the daisies. We are extraordinarily pleased with the success of the Scion brand, and we can think of no better way to honor that success than by bringing it to a crashing halt.”

“We want to express our sincere appreciation to the 1,004 Scion dealers who have brought so much business into Toyota,” said Jimmy Carter, Toyota’s Executive Vice President of Refusing To Move To Texas. “They’ve done a great job for us, and we look forward to expressing our gratitude by helping them close up their shops, fire all of their workers, and sign up for unemployment until they find something else to do.”

In related news, Toyota is considering issuing a recall in response to reports of their spin control not working properly.