Category: Beating a joke to death

BMW announces autonomous vehicle

A self-driving BMW undergoing testing, yesterday

A self-driving BMW undergoing testing, yesterday

BMW has announced that their first self-driving vehicle will go on sale early in 2016.

“Obviously several automakers have been working on autonomous driving, but a self-driving BMW must be somezing unique,” said BMWs’ Chief of Autonomous Engineering, Professor Herr Doktor Helmut Fahrt, Ing.

Dr. Fahrt, Ing., told Autoblopnik that several existing technologies were modified for use in the self-driving BMW.

“Our Active Cruise Control mit Stop and Honk had to be modified to drive less than 1 meter from the back bumper of the car ahead,” Dr. Farhrt, Ing., explained, “und ze Lane Departure and Varning System can detect not only the presence, but the type of lines in the road, so it can drive very slow when there is a double yellow line and then speed up to Warp Seven in ze passing zones.”

The autonomous BMW will feature a blind-spot detection system that only changes lanes when there is a car in the blind spot, along with an automatic parking system that detects parking spots that other people are waiting for. If the system is unable to steal a spot from someone else, it has a fail-safe mode that causes the car to park itself diagonally in a van-accessible handicapped spot.

“Zis is only the first generation of our autonomous car,” Dr. Fahrt, Ing., said. “We are working on future developments that will better emulate the experience of driving a BMW. For example, occupants of autonomous cars do not need to pay attention to the other cars around them, so we are developing a system that alerts ze BMW occupants of perfectly nice drivers who are simply minding their own business trying to get from point A to point B. Zat vay ze BMW driver can take appropriate action, such as flipping these other drivers the bird or throwing a half-full coffee cup out the window so it splatters all over their windshield.”

“Ve are very excited to create an autonomous version of the Ultimate Driving Machine,” Dr. Fahrt, Ing., concluded. “Ve are hoping ziss vill change ze perception of BMW owners as a bunch of elitist jerks who pay too much for cars engineered by people mit accents that are easy to make fun ov. Not that you’ll ever know, because a loser like you will never own a BMW.”

© Autoblopnik

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BMW concerned about “douchebag drift”

Douchebag drift, yesterday

Douchebag drift, yesterday

In an exclusive interview with Autoblopnik, BMW revealed their concern about a shift of their core audience away from the brand, which they call “douchebag drift”.

“Ten years ago, we had the douchebag market locked up,” said BMW spokesperson Dew Shbag. “Douchebags and BMWs went together like pedophiles and Chevy vans. But today’s market conditions are changing the buying patterns of the typical douchebag, and we have to find new ways to attract them.”

Shbag says a surprisingly large percentage of douchbags have migrated to the heavy-duty diesel pickup market.

“This is a tricky one for us, because these aren’t your traditional douchebags,” he explained. “A typical BMW-driving douchebag will drive right up your ass and then cut you off close enough to peel the paint from your front bumper. But the douchebags buying trucks are content to drive in the fast lane at exactly the posted limit or the speed of the car next to them, whichever is slower. These are people drive a giant vehicle that provides less interior space than a Toyota Yaris, and if you ask them why, they’ll say ‘Because fuck you, you fucking Obama-loving communist fucking foreigner socialist, that’s fucking why.’ This is a less-sophisticated, more laid-back sort of douchebag.”

Shbag says that traditional marketing methods may not work to bring these douchebags back to the BMW brand.

“We’d love to get more of these douchebags interested in BMWs, but it’s hard to write engaging advertisements at a third grade reading level,” he explained.

BMW’s marketing position is under attack in other countries as well as America, though Shbag says this isn’t much of a concern for BMW North America.

“In Europe, we’ve seen douchebags moving to other German brands, most commonly Audi,” Shbag said, “and we consider the introduction of the CLA 45 AMG a clear move on Mercedes’ part to get a better foothold in the douchebag market. But we’re mostly concerned with the US and Canada, where Mercedes sells to social-climbing phonies and Audi appeals to former Volkswagen owners with delusions of financial solvency, so we’re not too worried about our German competitors.”

According to Shbag, BMW is looking at expanding into market segments in which douchebags are not a significant part of the buyer base.

“One strategy is to extend our reach by making products that don’t appeal to our core douchebag buyers,” he said. “For example, we recently introduced our first two electric vehicles, the i3 and the i8. Electrics tend to appeal to pretentious twats rather than douchebags, which is a new market for us.”

Shbag says that no matter what happens, BMW will continue to cater to its core market.

“Yes, we’re exploring new roads, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to abandon our loyal buyers, which is why we offer products like the ten-MPG X6M and the 428i with badge-delete option,” he explained. “Rest assured that now and in the future, if you see a BMW, you can be pretty sure there’s a douchebag behind the wheel.”

© Autoblopnik

Volvo reveals technical details of Vision 2020

Nobody dying in an Volvo, yesterday

Nobody dying in a Volvo, yesterday

Volvo, the company credited with introducing the Blind Spot Information System (BLIS), the Side Impact Protection System (SIPS), and the practice of assigning short silly acronyms for safety systems (ASSASS), has pledged that no one will die or be seriously injured in a brand-new Volvo by the year 2020, a program they call Vision 2020. In preparation for the launch of the 2016 Volvo XC90, Volvo sat down with Sniff Autoblopnik to discuss their latest safety innovations.

“The XC90 will debut severål of our Vision 2020 technologies,” explained Volvo säfety expert Jäň Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt, speaking on condition that we don’t pronounce his first name the same way as the middle sister on The Brady Bunch, “åll of which will reduce the number of fätålities in the car.

“Fïrst is the styling, which uses our new Visio-Ocular Modification Impression Technology, or VOMIT,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt explained. “We’ve made the XC90 slightly unattractive, which should reduce the number of büyers by approximately 15 percent. That means ten or twëlve fewer people will die in a Volvo each year.”

For collisions with other vehicles, the XC90 relies on Structural Transverse Integrity For Car Occupant Collision Kinetics, or STÏFCØCK.

“The bödy shell is made of high-strength steel reinforced by giant slabs of concrete,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained. “This will, of course, cause extensive damage to any vehicle that hits the XC90, and may well lead to death and injuries in those other vehicles. Well, fück ’em. If they wanted to live, they should have bought a Völvo.”

For extreme collisions involving large, heavy or immovable objects such as tractor-trailers, bridge abutments, or New Jersey governor Chris Christie, the XC9Ø relies on Ballistic Longitudinal Auxiliary Acceleration Strategic Telemetry, or BLÄÄST, which consists of ejector seats and removable roof panels.

“Microseconds before a collision,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained, “the BLÄÄST system opens the roof, fires the ejector seats to a height approximately fifty meters above the Volvo, and then detonates them, blowing both the seats and the people in them to tiny little bïts.”

Asked if this wouldn’t prove fatal to the occupants, Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt said, “Of course it will. That’s the whole idëa. They’ll die, but they wön’t die in a Volvo.”

© Autoblopnik

Ferrari introduces new FxxK

A Ferrari FxxK, yesterday

A Ferrari FxxK, yesterday

Much to the glee of automotive parody news sites everywhere, Ferrari has announced that their new track-only supercar will be called the FxxK.

“We wanted to strive for something really unique, something that would get everyone talking,” said Ferrari spokesissimo Salvatore Peeyarissimo. “When people see this car, we want them to say ‘Oh, FxxK!'”

Though an on-sale date has not been announced, Ferrari dealers report that potential owners are already putting down cash deposits.

“Whatever Ferrari charges for the car, I’m willing to spend,” said Rich Bastard, a toilet-tank entrepreneur from the upscale hamlet of Bureaucratic Falls, Connecticut. “I’ll pay anything for a fast FxxK.”

Owners groups have already begun springing up, first of which are a Maine-based organization called FxxK ME, a European group that will be known as FxxK EU, and group of American enthusiasts calling themselves FxxK US. Unusually for Ferrari, an family-oriented group of female owners has also been established; it will be called Mother FxxKers.

Ferrari says it plans to auction the first production FxxK to charity with proceeds going to benefit the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to the Less Than Bright. The charity event will be known as “Ferrari Gives a FxxK.”

While most of the press response to the FxxK has been positive, there has been concern in the industry about letting Ferrari skirt US emissions and noise regulations and import the car into the United States. Autoblopnik has heard reports that a consortium of sports-car manufacturers have organized a lobby group called “Get the FxxK Out Of Here.”

Asked if the car’s unusual name could potentially cause controversy, Ferrari’s Peeyarisimo said “Of course not. Ferrari is the finest car in the world, and no matter what we call it, people will buy it. Even if we used a name that sounds like something naughty in another language, a name that is bound to be the butt of jokes for generations to come, people would buy it. But of course, that would never happen. Surely someone from one of our foreign offices would stop us from making ourselves look so foolish.”

Ferrari’s US spokespeople were not available for comment, but Cadillac’s Johann DeNysschen was.

“I guess naming all of the Infinitis Q or QX doesn’t look quite so stupid, does it?” he said.

© Autoblopnik

P.S. Yep, SniffPetrol hit this one, too.

General Motors recalls its recalls

One of the affected GM recalls, yesterday

One of the affected GM recalls, yesterday

Just weeks after recalling every car it has ever made as well as cars made by other manufacturers, General Motors announced that it will issue recalls for several of the recalls it has issued this year.

“In recent months, our company has issued a large number of recalls covering several General Motors vehicles,” explained GM spokesbrand Todd Sillifartz. “While all of those recalls addressed important safety defects, many of them may have further unintended consequences, and we want to correct these issues as quickly as possible.”

Sillifartz declined to give a complete list of problems that could be caused by the soon-to-be-recalled recalls, explaining the corporation was still investigating. However, he did list some of the problems caused by the defective recalls,which include killing GM’s stock price, causing owners to panic and blame every single nearly-imperceptible issue on a problem that their vehicle doesn’t even have, and giving the general public the idea that General Motors is completely incompetent despite a hundred years of successfully building cars that usually get people where they want to go without killing them.

Neither NHTSA nor General Motors have reported any deaths or injuries as a direct result of the affected recalls; however, the recalls are blamed for killing at least fifteen careers and jeopardizing CEO Mary Barra’s chances of ever appearing on Dancing with the Stars.

Owners of the affected recalls will begin to receive recall recall notices next week telling them that their recall has been recalled, and giving instructions for how to handle their recall’s recall.

© Autoblopnik

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