The Internet was reduced to a quivering mass of jelly this week when it was revealed that the 2017 Chevrolet Camaro ZL1, which General Motors has promised will produce “more than 640 horsepowers,” may actually make 650 horsepowers.
“This is way more horsepowers than we ever imagined the ZL1 would have,” said Jaloptoblog crashist George Patrick, looking around nervously and palming a tissue that he surreptitiously dropped into a wastebasket. “It’s really exciting. Like, really, really, really exciting, if you, uh, know what I mean,” he added, blushing deeply and excusing himself to go wash his hands.
“The ten-speed transmission thing was amazing enough,” commented True Shit About Cars’ Steven Markson, who appeared slightly flushed with his shirt untucked as if we’d walked in on him doing something he shouldn’t. “But the horsepower thing is, uh, well, it’s really a big deal, very, very, very exciting, you know? And by the way, what are you doing here so soon? I wasn’t expecting you for another half an hour.”
General Motors would not confirm the 650 horsepower figure, which most automotive web sites noted was a “significant increase” over the 640 horsepower figure promised by General Motors. These same automotive web sites said that the twelve-horsepower difference between the ZL1 and the 662-hp Ford Mustang GT500 was “not really significant”.
“Am I excited to have been the one to break this news? Hell no,” said Camaro6.com owner David “Butch, King of the Trailer Park” Bitchin-Bubba. “I’m just wondering how I’m going to pay for the bandwidth. We usually get maybe two hundred hits a week. This week we got two hundred billion. And by the way, who the hell used up all our hand lotion and Kleenex?”
General Motors is bringing back the eAssist “mild hybrid” system for its full-size Chevrolet Silverado and GMC Sierra pickups.
“The new eAssist system delivers a 3.6% increase in horsepower and a 10% increase in fuel economy for our full-size pickups,” said General Motors espokeseperson Jen Eralmoders. “We think this truck will have strong appeal for buyers who want a slight increase in fuel economy and power, but would prefer to avoid anything too drastic.”
The new eAssist package, developed in-house by General Motors’ secretive Department of Making Things Slightly Better, adds 13 horsepower, approximately ten of which are used to carry the extra weight of the motor, battery, wiring, and big chrome “eAssist” badges.
Eralmodors said the eAssist package now includes several improvements unrelated to performance and fuel economy.
“For example, eAssist-equipped trucks get our new Mildly Better Hinges which make the doors 6% easier to close,” she explained. “You still have to pull pretty hard on the doors, but not quite so hard. Also, the needles on the instruments are painted Mildly Brighter Red, making them just a tiny little bit easier to see than the needles on our regular pickups.”
The eAssist trucks will also get a 4-percent increase in hauling capacity, Eralmodors said.
“What if you have the bed fully loaded with sixty-five cinder blocks, which is full capacity for the Silverado and Sierra 1500, and suddenly decide you want to put a couple of two by fours or perhaps a severed leg into the bed? The eAssist system gives you that extra capacity. You can’t get that from Ram or Ford.”
Eralmodors said the increased fuel economy of the eAssist system will save the average full-size pickup owner $3,000 in fuel over the life of the truck—”assuming,” she adds, “that the average pickup owner routinely drives to Venus.”
Mary Barra has issued a formal apology for the Volkswagen emissions scandal, in which the Environmental Protection Agency has formally accused Volkswagen of installing a “defeat device” to pass emissions test.
“Volkswagen has violated the trust of thousands of its customers, and for that, General Motors would like to apologize,” Ms. Barra said.
“We know the general public will have a difficult time forgiving and forgetting what Volkswagen has done,” Ms. Barra added. “And for that, General Motors can only say we are very, very sorry.”
Asked what role General Motors played in the VW emissions scandal, Ms. Barra said, “None whatsoever. But that won’t stop people from blaming us and saying how much our cars suck compared to the Germans and the Japanese. Just you watch.”
“Obviously, we feel a great deal of sympathy for Volkswagen considering our own recent troubles,” she added. “But give us some credit. A car that has had its engine involuntarily switched off doesn’t pollute.”
After being flatly turned down for a merger by General Motors CEO Mary Barra, Fiat-Chrysler Automobili says CEO Sergio Marchionne is now looking for alternate merger partners.
“They don’t like Italian-Americans, fine, whatever,” said Marchionne, responding to Mary Barra’s reported off-the-record comments that she thinks Fiat-Chrysler is “sooooo gross” and that GM would “rather merge with a slug.”
“We don’t need GM,” Marchionne continued. “There’s plenty of other companies we can merge with, and then GM will be sorry. They’ll see us with another company, and they’ll realized what they missed, and Mary will be all like, ‘Hey, Fiat, maybe we should get together,’ and I’ll be all like, ‘Too late, GM, you had your chance.'”
Fiat-Chrysler is reportedly actively pursuing other potential merger partners, including Ford, Mercedes, Volkswagen, the Church of Scientology, the American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Tyson Chickens, and the letter N.
Meanwhile, Ms. Barra denied that GM would reconsider a merger with Fiat.
“I just don’t think the synergies are there,” she said. “Fiat-Chrysler is a very attractive company, but it really doesn’t make that much money. Plus, well, let’s just say that Fiat has had a lot of partners in the past. You know what I mean?”
Asked about GM’s own past partnerships with Fiat, including a deal with VM that resulted in the engine for the Chevrolet Cruze Diesel, Ms. Barra said, “OMG, I can NOT believe you brought that up! That was soooo embarrassing. Sergio thinks it was good for both of us, but let me tell you, GM has had lots of better partnerships than that. I mean, gawd, you let a company build you one little diesel engine, and all of a sudden it’s like they think they own you. What’s up with that? Anyway, that was a one-time mistake that will NOT happen again.”
“She said what?” Mr. Marchionne responded. “Listen, that Cruze is carrying my engine, and that means everything to me. Everything. Why, Mary? Why?”
“Sergio just needs to get it into his head that a merger is not going to happen,” Ms. Barra said. “GM is happy to be friends with Fiat-Chrysler, but in terms of a long-term relationship, we’re just not that into them.”
General Motors Corporation announced today that it would recall a large number of cars and trucks which may be related to the current spread of the ebola virus.
“We have reason to believe that several of the latest ebola victims either owned, drove, rode in, or saw a General Motors vehicle,” said GM representative Eric Beauregard “E-Bo” LaVirus. “In the interest of safety, we think it’s best to assume that the outbreak of this dreadful disease is somehow related to our products.”
Though LaVirus said there was no clinical evidence tying the outbreak to GM’s cars and trucks, he said there was plenty of opportunity for the vehicles to be involved in the spread of the disease.
“Perhaps someone on the air conditioning assembly line had ebola and drooled into the pollen filters,” he told Autiblopnik.com, “or maybe ebola was inadvertently engineered into the cars as some sort of a cost-saving measure. You never really know, but here at General Motors, we’ve learned to assume the worst.”
Asked how many vehicles GM would recall in relation to the ebola scare, LaVirus said the number had yet to be determined, but that “it will probably be a figure in the neighborhood of all of them.”
“Of course, we have no firm proof that these vehicles were the source of the current ebola outbreak,” LaVirus added. “But if there’s one thing the past couple of years has taught us, it’s that if something goes horribly wrong in the world, it’s probably GM’s fault.”
Just weeks after recalling every car it has ever made as well as cars made by other manufacturers, General Motors announced that it will issue recalls for several of the recalls it has issued this year.
“In recent months, our company has issued a large number of recalls covering several General Motors vehicles,” explained GM spokesbrand Todd Sillifartz. “While all of those recalls addressed important safety defects, many of them may have further unintended consequences, and we want to correct these issues as quickly as possible.”
Sillifartz declined to give a complete list of problems that could be caused by the soon-to-be-recalled recalls, explaining the corporation was still investigating. However, he did list some of the problems caused by the defective recalls,which include killing GM’s stock price, causing owners to panic and blame every single nearly-imperceptible issue on a problem that their vehicle doesn’t even have, and giving the general public the idea that General Motors is completely incompetent despite a hundred years of successfully building cars that usually get people where they want to go without killing them.
Neither NHTSA nor General Motors have reported any deaths or injuries as a direct result of the affected recalls; however, the recalls are blamed for killing at least fifteen careers and jeopardizing CEO Mary Barra’s chances of ever appearing on Dancing with the Stars.
Owners of the affected recalls will begin to receive recall recall notices next week telling them that their recall has been recalled, and giving instructions for how to handle their recall’s recall.
Just a day after issuing six recalls covering 7.6 million of its own vehicles, General Motors announced that it will recall several cars made by other manufacturers.
“We’re simply running out of our own vehicles to recall,” said General Motors CEO Mary “Huggy” Barra. “The only way we can keep up with this hectic recall pace is to begin recalling other automakers’ products as well.”
According to a statement issued by General Motors, the company will start by recalling the 2014 BMW 4-series for turning its drivers into insufferable douchebags; the 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage, which is so slow that it’s keeping the rest of us from getting to work on time; and the 2014 Toyota Corolla, which over time may completely erode the driver’s will to live.
Along with the recall notices, Ms. Barra issued an apology on the company’s media web site.
“We are sorry that other automakers are as unable to get their shit together as we are,” Ms. Barra wrote. “We know what the public expects from our industry, and that is to consistently produce hundreds of thousands of complex machines, each consisting of approximately 30,000 parts, which can magically turn dead dinosaurs into motion, and to do so reliably, flawlessly and free of defects, all while protecting our dumb-ass customers from death and injury when our they attempt to nominate themselves for the Darwin Awards. We have failed to meet those expectations, and we as an industry must do better.”
Ms. Barra says she expects to be questioned about the recalls during her monthly Congressional appearance. In related news, the city of Washington, D.C., has launched an investigation to determine if Ms. Barra should be paying resident income taxes.
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Responding to the 325-page Valukas report, which cited “incompetence” and “a plodding corporate culture” as reasons for the Cobalt ignition switch defect, General Motors CEO Mary Barra said the company will embrace a culture of change, including its approach to building automobiles.
“Clearly, General Motors needs to change the way it has been doing things,” said Ms. Barra, “and one of the biggest changes is that we need to stop making shitty cars.”
Ms. Barra, speaking to journalists through an interpreter, said that shitty cars have been a long-standing tradition at General Motors.
“Shitty cars have been a long-standing tradition at General Motors,” she said. “And I’m not just talking about the 1970s and the 1980s and the 1990s, when we focused almost exclusively shitty cars. Most of our vehicles have had some element of shit to them, like the cheesy-ass interior on the Corvette ZR1 or the God-awful seats in the Cadillac CTS-V. Sixty years ago, when we introduced the original Corvette, we fitted it with an ancient six-cylinder engine and a two-speed automatic. Seriously, how fucked up was that? Only a company with a serious commitment to shitty cars would do something so bone-headed.”
General Motors corporate historian Gil Dustifartz told Autoblopnik that General Motors has a long history of shitty cars, dating back to before the corporation was formed.
“Back in its day, the Curved-Dash Oldsmobile was known as the Squeaky-Dash Oldsmobile,” he said. “And let’s not forget that Chevrolet was started by a French guy, and no one knows more about shitty cars than the French. Yes, you could say that shitty cars are part of General Motors’ corporate DNA.”
UAW president Bobk Ing, whose name has been changed to prevent retaliation against Autoblopnik and its staff, said the union would cooperate fully with GM’s plans to stop making shitty cars.
“Obviously, this is a sad moment for us,” Ing told a pert young Autoblopnik intern. “The UAW has always taken pride in its contributions to GM’s shitty cars. Frankly, there’s no feeling quite like banging a trim piece on slightly crooked because your supervisor gave you the stink-eye in the lunchroom. But we’re committed to the future of this company, and if Mary wants to stop building shitty cars, then the union will cooperate fully, at least until our next contract negotiation or the next time the vending machine at the Flint plant runs out of peanut M&Ms, whichever comes first.”
A General Motors representative announced today that the company is issuing recalls for every single vehicle they have ever produced.
“The company is issuing recalls for every single vehicle we have ever produced,” said General Motors spokesrecaller Shag Belch.
Belch said the reasons for the recalls vary from model to model, and include faulty ignition switches (2003-2011 Pontiac G5), cracked axle shafts (2011-2013 Chevrolet Cruze), making their owners look like douchebags with no taste (2001-2006 Chevrolet Avalanche), and what Belch described as “just being sort of crappy” (every GM vehicle designed between 1993 and 2001).
“Some vehicles have no specific defects that we need to recall, but I’m sure we’ll find something,” said Belch.
Clint Meat-Hankee, president of the not-for-profit Union for Corporate Oversight and Communal Safety, said his organization was very pleased with the impending GM recalls.
“Our organization is very pleased with the impending GM recalls,” she said at a UCOCS press conference. “These General Motors vehicles are inherently flawed and dangerous death traps that are maiming and killing innocent people every second of every minute of every hour of every day.”
Meat-Hankee demonstrated what he called “serious safety flaws” in a Buick Enclave he had recently purchased for his wife and expensed to the organization.
“This vehicle has a device called an ‘accelerator pedal’ positioned right on the floor, dangerously close to the driver’s feet,” she explained to the pair of journalists who attended the press conference. “A person who didn’t know how a car works could accidentally step on this innocent-looking protrusion and send the car careening into a nursery school full of nuns.”
Meat-Hankee pointed out the turn signal stalk as yet another a potential hazard.
“If you had never seen a car before and didn’t know how to get into one properly, this could potentially go right up your rectum, causing extensive and embarrassing injury, not to mention making you the butt of jokes from your co-workers for weeks, not that I would know this from personal experience,” he said. “And yet there are no instructions or warning stickers on the car to alert you to this sad and painful end.” He then added, “Why are you giggling?”
Meat-Hankee went on to tell the one remaining journalist that these two hazards and dozens of others exist in nearly every car ever produced by General Motors.
“Clearly, issues like this would never happen in a quality-built Japanese car like a Toyota Camry,” he said, and then added, “Oh, wait.”
© Autoblopnik — I swear I didn’t steal this idea from SniffPetrol, but you should read this
General Motors and Toyota today unveiled a new jointly-developed safety car concept, which they call the Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept.
“The GM-Toyota Jointly Developed Safety Car Concept, or GMTDJSCC for short, is a radical new approach to vehicle safety that will end all these ridiculous lawsuits once and for all,” said GM-Toyota Joint Head of Joint Safety Engineering, Sy Ftee.
At a press conference in Naperville, Illinois, Ftee explained the highlights of the concept vehicle.
“The SCCGDJTM has no ignition switch that can accidentally turn off and no floor mats to catch the accelerator pedal,” he told the assembled journalists. “It has no airbags that will fail to deploy, no seats to slide off, no dash to get caught under, no glass to shatter and put your eye out, no brakes to fail, no tires to blow out, no engine to catch fire, and no steering column to crush your rib cage. It weighs sixteen tons, so you can’t even pick it up and accidentally drop it on your toe. Basically, there is no way anyone could ever sue us based on anything that happened to them in, on or around the JSDCTMCG.”
The press conference was ended prematurely after someone cut their finger on one of the TMGCCSJD’s exposed metal edges.