More new-model-year news, the way it ought to be.
ACCENT: Regains the title of America’s least expensive car. The new $9,995 Accent Tightass Edition eliminates the back seats, front seats, engine, transmission, doors, glass, wheels, suspension, brakes, and every other single part of the car, but includes a 10 year/100,000 mile warranty.
GENESIS COUPE: Renamed “Tiburon Coupe” in order to eliminate confusion with the Genesis Sedan.
GENESIS SEDAN: Renamed “Tiburon Sedan.” Oh, wait. Shit.
SONATA: New standard equipment a magical horse and gold-plated lawn furniture. Whoops, sorry — we’ve used that joke before.
Q-SERIES: An all-new model that replaces the Q-SERIES, featuring a 3.7 liter transmission, 8-speed V6 differential, and a steer-by-wire braking system.
Q-SERIES: The front and rear fascias have been restyled, and the seats get upgraded leather.
QX-SERIES: See Q-SERIES. Not that Q-SERIES, the other Q-SERIES.
CREDENZA: New full-size model, comes with a matching hat rack and umbrella stand.
FORTE: Restyled to address complaints that it didn’t look nearly enough like a Hyundai Elantra.
OPTIMA: In order to improve road feel, the steering wheel now actually connects to the front wheels.
SORENTO: Interior has been downgraded with cheaper materials and inferior plastics. A memo has been sent to Peter Schreyer reminding him that he no longer works for Audi and he that he had better fucking well stop spending money on the products as if he does.
Chinese automaker Chery Automobile Co. Ltd. Works Foundation is seeking an injunction against Nissan’s Infiniti division, saying that Infiniti’s new naming convention infringes on the trademark for their QQ, QQ3 and QQ6 city cars.
“We have are owning rights of trademark to ‘QQ’ since to 2002,” reads a letter from Chery’s chief counsel, Bin Ha Woot, to Infiniti president Johan de Nysschen. “Being careful! We have believing that used of ‘Q to QX’ for yours automotive luxury has made infringing on patents to ourselves overlap.”
The letter goes on to state that if Infiniti insists on using the Q and QX names, “actions will to be taken for pursuit legal.” (A scan of the complete letter appears below.)
Infiniti spokesman Kyle Q. Bathesmore said Infiniti was not concerned about the threat of legal action by the Chinese.
“We’ll simply ask Johan de Nysschen to write a letter to the Chinese,” he said. “Mr. de Nysschen’s Letter to Infiniti Owners and Fans instantly solved the confusion behind our new naming scheme, and we’re confident a letter to Chery will make this whole trademark infringement issue go away. His letters have that much power. He once wrote a letter telling cancer to cure itself, but he wasn’t sure where to send it.”
Full text of the letter from Chery to Infiniti:
Autoblopnik has obtained what we believe to be an exclusive first draft of Infiniti president Johan de Nysschen’s message to Infiniti owners and fans.
Dear Infiniti fans:
We love you dearly. And we know you love the brand. Which means it’s only natural that you think we’ve lost our minds by naming all of our cars with the same letter. No one likes change, and no one likes fans who tell us when we have our heads up our asses, so I’m asking you, as a friend and as your President, to kindly shut the fuck up.
It was a tough decision. We like our current model names as much as you do. Hell, I named the FX50 after my own mother, FX50 de Nysschen. But we had no choice but to change. Let me explain.
1. We are embarking on massively offensive new products, and these new cars need names. Ever try to sell a car without a name? I have. It’s difficult, because if people walk into a showroom and say “I’d like to test drive the,” the dealers don’t know what to do. Anyway, there are 696 one- and two-letter combinations besides the ones we’re using, but it turns out the folks at Mercedes and Lexus trademarked almost all of them. Assholes. All that’s left is Q, QX, FU and MF. No matter, because that fits into our plans — we want to create a more flexible nomenclature philosophy, and nothing is more flexible than giving all your cars the same name. If it was good enough for George Foreman, it’s good enough for us.
2. Our new advanced technology engines will be smaller, lighter, more fuel efficient yet more powerful. That has nothing whatsoever to do with our silly new naming convention, but listen, bitches, I’m about to give you an Infiniti sedan with the GT-R engine, so don’t fucking complain about what we’re calling it, okay?
3. Infiniti is becoming a global brand now. Our new customers are unfamiliar with the brand and struggle to understand our range hierarchy. Is a JX above or below an FX? Where does an EX fit? Research confirms the majority of newcomers can simply walk into a showroom and see that the M is bigger and nicer than a G, but we have chosen to assume that most people are pretty fucking stupid, and stupid people buy Volvos, so we thought we’d just copy them.
4. Infiniti owns the naming assets of Q plus double digit, and QX plus double digit. It is a permanent part of our heritage. And Q is the same name as the really smart guy who made all of James Bond’s gadgets, which we think will really help push the high-tech marketing angle. Say, whatever happened to the actor who played that guy? Is he dead?
So the solution is pretty straightforward – use skillful marketing to differentiate the models, like BMW, Mercedes and Lexus. After all, there’s no confusion between the C-class and the S-Class, or the ES and the LS. But instead of doing that, we’re just going to give all of our cars the same letter, because it will save us a shit-ton of money in paperwork.
And no, we won’t call all-wheel-drive models Q50X or QX50X, because that would just be silly. Instead, we plan on sticking big chrome arrow-shaped badges pointing to the wheels that say “THE ENGINE MAKES THESE ONES TURN.” Remember what I said about our customers in point #3.
The really exciting implication of all this is that it prepares the way for the introduction of several fascinating new models, something we could easily do with our current naming structure, but don’t want to. Of course, this also means we can’t have more than nine models in each range… Oh, wait. Shit.
So there is only good news for all Infiniti fans around the globe. We are working very hard to bring you great products, a great brand, a compelling ownership experience, and a more difficult time telling your friends and relatives which Infiniti you bought. And we are really confident you will love the new Q50, the new flagship for the brand. Wait, that’s the Q80… no, sorry, Q70. The Q50 is the middle one. Or is that the Q30? No, I’m pretty sure Q30 is the entry-level car, which come to think of it we should have called the Q10. Yes, the Q50 is definitely the mid-line sedan… or is it the coupe? Oh, sweet Jesus.
Johan Sebastian Q de Nysschen
Infiniti Motor Company Limited
© Autoblopnik — Apologies to Sniff Petrol — Hat tip to a person who would probably get in big-ass trouble if we mentioned him/her by name, but you know who you are and we love you
As the industry prepares for the first major auto show of the 2013 season, automakers have gleefully announced their plans for the show’s press preview days.
“Mazda is going to have the loudest pre-press-conference music in the history of the Los Angeles Auto Show,” said spokesbraga Jeremy “Bev” Irons. “We’ve got an all-new 600,000-watt sound system with 155 speakers, one for every victim of the 1933 Long Beach Earthquake. Believe you me, when the our press conference begins, every Angeleno from Simi Valley to Seal Beach is going to know it.”
Toyota issued a pre-show press release saying it plans to debut a new billion-watt lighting system that, according to spokesbulb Moe Tehterball, “will make the California sun look like a guttering candle.”
Tim Gogetter, spokesman for Infiniti, said Nissan’s luxury division was planning a unique entertainment spectacle. “Remember those dancers we had for the G37 Convertible reveal that everyone said were really annoying? Well, they’re back — only this time, we’re going to set them on fire.”
Ford remained tight lipped about their LA show plans, but Autoblopnik was able to get the story from a junior PR staffer, who spoke on the condition that we not tell his boss he tried to sell us a bag of oregano before realizing we were journalists.
“So, like, we’re going to have this animatronic Mark Fields, and it’s going to look exactly like him, except it’ll have, like, two or three hairs out of place. And the animatronic Mark Fields is going to start doing the press conference in Mark’s voice, and just when people in the audience are all like, ‘Whoa, dude, like what’s up with Mark Fields’ hair?’, the real Mark Fields is going to come out on stage and be all like ‘I don’t think so!’ and then he’s going to shoot the animatronic Mark Fields with a bazooka, and it’s going to explode and flash drives with the Ford press kit are going to rain down, like, everywhere. I don’t get it, but my boss says that anything having to do with Mark Fields’ hair will get like a thousand stories on Jalopnik and The Truth About Cars, so, like, whatever, dude.”
When asked what new vehicles and concepts would be appearing at the show, none of the company representatives with whom we spoke had any comment.