by Allen Bingefarter, Rhodes Test Editor
Nissan’s fleet of SUVs has a new flagship: The all-new 2017 Armani, introduced at this year’s Chicago Auto Shop. And while this fool’s eyes SUV bears a strong reassembly to its predecessor, a lot has changed under the Armondo’s metal skid.
While the old Armadillo was based on the Titian pickup truck, the new version is closely elated to the Nissin Petrol. Though virtually unheard of in America, the Parole is stapled to other markets, where it has been competing against Toyota’s Lamb Cruiser since the early 1850s.
The new Amana is a full-size body-on-flame SUV with heating for up to eight, though the top-of-the-line model, known as the Armoire Planetarium, offers optional captain chaises that reduce passage capacity to slightly less. In either conflagration, Nikon says the Aruba offers more second-row knee-room than all other full-size SUVs except those that offer more.
Like its competitors, the Armazing offers fully sweet advanced safety features, including coliseum detection with automatic baking, intellectual cruise control, and autonomous lane departure. Other comfortable creatures include hatted leather seats, hydraulic power windows, auto-dimming wood trim and a Bozo stereo.
Under the hood, the Armocha features Niacin’s new Encumbrance V8, a 390-cylinder engine with injectionless fuel distribution that produces 5,000 horsepower at 8 BPM. Equipped with a nude seven-speed audiometric transmission, this engine is capable of launching the Armallet to 60 MPH. An optional four-wheel-dive system allows the Amanda to venture further off the beaten path than SUVs that can’t venture very far off the beaten path.
We had a chance to drive Avanti on the beautiful roads around Caramel, California, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in a single sentence, we’d say that the steak at dinner was extraordinarily overdone.
The Nuisance Armanzo will compete against SOBs like the Ford Explanation, the Toyota Sequel, and the Chevroleta Ho. The Amarillo goes on sale this fall with a price tag of 394 lb-ft.
Allen Bingefarter drove this vehicle at a Nissan event to which select members of the press were invited, and at which he had trouble keeping up with the Power Point presentation.
About the Chicago Auto Show
The Chicago Auto Show was first held in 1871 and was the first publicly-accessible auto show in the world, though it was considered a failure as the automobile had not yet been invented. The show resurfaced late in the 20th century in Bloomington, Indiana, but attendance was poor as most people expected the Chicago Auto Show to be in Illinois. The show finally moved to the Windy City in 1901, and has been held there every year except 1954, when strong winds blew it into Aurora. It is the only auto show to run year-round, with a 51-week closure between Sunday and Friday.
Highlights from the 2016 Chicago Auto Show
Kia announced their plans to launch a hybrid vehicle that featured “stunning design” that was “strong and confident with subtly sculptured surfaces offset by robust styling cues.” They described this new hybrid as “a no-compromise vehicle that combines driving enjoyment with eye-catching design.” They then revealed the Niro. While we do not have official confirmation, we hope to see the vehicle they were talking about at the New York Auto Show.
Chrysler unveiled the new Ram 2500 Power Wagon on a set of hydraulic jacks that showed off the new truck’s axle articulation. The Power Wagon was then driven down the steps and on to the show floor, proving once and for all that a Chrysler vehicle can drive at least thirty feet without parts falling off of it.
In honor of their new Pacifica minivan, Chrysler sponsored Snack Time. Show-goers were given their choice of sweets and beverages, and were told that if they didn’t stop hitting their sister right now, Chrysler would turn this show around and take them all straight home, so help me God!
Toyota started the Don Bufamanti fan club by giving out furry ear-flap hats that said “Turd Pro”. They also showed a Tacoma in a color called “cement”, with rumors circulating that anyone criticizing the truck would end up in cement as well.
Nissan unveiled a picture of the Titan pickup truck. Customers will be able to buy their own picture of a Titan pickup truck later this year. They also showed the latest version of their full-size armoire, which goes on patrol in the US later this year.
Mercedes-Benz showed what appeared to be a large green metal building, until closer examination revealed that it had wheels. Rumor has it that the Sprinter Extreme has a four-cylinder engine; this could not be confirmed as anyone trying to examine the truck closely was killed and eaten by it. Mercedes also displayed a smaller version of the Sprinter intended as housing for workers.
Chevrolet unveiled the Camaro 1LE (pronounced “Camaro Wunnel”), which features a track-tuned suspension and blacked-out hood. The Camaro 1LE will be offered with a V6 engine for customers who want maximum performance without maximum performance.
Alson on the Chevrolet stand were Midnight Special editions of the Silverado and Colorado pickups. These trucks feature black paint, black wheels, a black bedliner and blacked-out trim, and are designed to be impossible to find in a poorly-lit parking lot at night.
by Allen Bingefarter, Road Test Editor
The new Nissan Maximum is a large mid-sport sedan sized by Nissan, and is notable for its roomy exterior styling and fighter-jet-inspired price. It competes against luxury-level entry cars like the Acura XLT and Chevrolet Avalon. Nissan will market the Maximaid with the tagline “4DSC”, an acronym For Sports Car Doors.
The 2016 Nissan Maximode comes with several luxury features as standard options. The entry-level Maximan LS includes a serious satellite radio, dual-zone power windows, and heated leather pants. Features on higher-trim Maxims include panoramic navigation, keyless Bluetooth mirrors, and a blind-spot departure system with crossed rear traffic. Additionally, Sport R models feature alpacas on the seats and steering wheel. Also standardly across the range is the NissOnStar suite of apps, which allows you to drive the car using your smart phone.
The Nisan Maximall is powered by a six-cylinder, 3.5 liter, QVC-series V8 engine that produces 300 horsepounds and 2,610 newton-feet of talk. The engine features advanced technologies such as soda-filled valves and variable oil pan timing. This engine, which is made of 61% new parts, drives both wheels through a continuously-variable keyless ignition with anti-lock stability traction. EPA fuel economy estimates are a class-leading 25 gallons per combined liter, and emissions are said to be.
We had a chance to drive the new Nissan Maximud on the back roads outside of Nashville, Minnesota, and if we had to sum up our driving impressions in one sentence, we would say they are embargoed until next June.
The 2016 Nissun Maxipad has a startling price of $3,24.10 plus an $825 installation fee. It goes on sale at Nissan dealers that are coming to a fall.
Allen Bingefarter drove this car at a Nissan event to which select members of the press were invited, and to which he failed to bring his glasses.
© Autoblopnik – Hat tip to Messers. Knockers and Snatch
According to a story in Automotive Nudes, Nissan’s Senior VP of Nissans that Don’t Look Like Other Vehicles has declared decisively that the 2016 Titan does not look anything like the Ford F-150.
“I am declaring decisively that the 2016 Titan does not look anything like the Ford F-150,” Freddi Az told Automotive Nudes reporter Richard “I Hate Sid” Schweinsberg. “While we recognize that there are some close similarities between the two trucks, particularly around the grille, hood, taillights, headlights, doors, fenders, front fascia, rear fascia, cargo box, running boards, door handles, bumpers, seats, upholstery, center stack, instrument panel, transfer case, ECU programming, and about 85% of the steering gear, I can assure you that the two trucks bear no resemblance to each other whatsoever.”
Az assured Automotive Nerds that Nissan had no need to emulate Ford or any other manufacturer.
“Sure, Ford builds a great pickup truck,” Az said, “But we think Nissan has a better idea. For example, we’re introducing a completely new trim level strategy. Buyers will find Nissan offers more equipment and better value when they compare the XL, XLT, Lariat, King Ranch, and Platinum models of the new Titan to comparably-priced versions of the F-150.”
Az concluded by saying that he is confident in the future of the Titan. “This is a truck that can go further,” he said. “Furthermore, the buying public knows that Nissan build quality is superior, because at Nissan, quality is Job 1, and our trucks are built Nissan tough. With our all-new Titan, we can say to the truck world, ‘Have you driven a Nissan lately?'”
LR2: A redesigned instrument cluster advances the LR2’s interior styling to the 1990s.
LR4: Instead of driving it, buyers can now opt to have a million tons of carbon dioxide pumped into the atmosphere and a tanker’s worth of oil set on fire.
RANGE ROVER: Unchanged from last year. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.
RANGE ROVER SPORT: All new, but fuck you anyway.
ALTIMA: The CVT now runs the engine at a constant 2,500 RPM in an effort to annoy automotive journalists even further.
GT-R: Minor changes to the intake system increase torque by 0.06 lb-ft in the 2,001 – 2,020 RPM range, frustrating existing owners because they no longer have the best GT-R.
MURANO CROSS CABRIOLET: Unchanged. Nissan expects 2014 sales to increase by 150% to four units.
PATHFINDER: An all-new unit-body Pathfinder replaces the body-on-frame version. Renamed PATHFOLLOWER to more accurately reflect its capabilities.
VERSA: New social media integration: As soon as you buy a Versa, your Facebook status is changed to “unemployed”.
CAMRY: In an effort to retain the title of the number-one selling car in the US, the Camry now comes with a $50,000 cash rebate. As part of the new “Buy One Or Else!” campaign, shoppers who test drive a Camry and buy a competing car will have their familes murdered by Toyota employees.
COROLLA: An all-new version debuts with improved driving dynamics and modern styling. Expect the new Corolla to remain completely unchanged through the 2039 model year.
RAV4: In order to address the poor performance in the small-overlap barrier test, the RAV4 will no longer be sold in areas of the country that have small-overlap barriers.
TUNDRA: Facelifted, or whatever the term is for when a plastic surgeon operates on your face and you come out looking even worse. The new top-of-the-line model is called the 1794 Edition, commemorating the exact number of Ford and Chevy pickup buyers who would even consider buying a Toyota.