Volkswagen has announced a series of updates that will be made to all of its US-market vehicles starting with the 2017 model year.
“Effective for 2017, all Volkswagen models sold in America will have floor mats that get stuck under the pedals, ignition switches that catch fire, exploding Takata airbags, and gasoline engines that cannot meet their EPA fuel economy estimates,” said Volkswagen spokesperson Paul Lution.
Lution said all of the changes were patterned after “serious defects introduced by other automakers that the public seems to have forgotten about.”
“Honestly, we don’t see why the American public is still hung up on this diesel thing,” Lution told Autoblopnik after agreeing to go off the record. “For fuck’s sake, it’s just a handful of cars that only a small group of zealous nut-cases bought. That whole ‘Never Forget’ thing for the Germans, that’s not supposed to have anything to do with us.”
Volkswagen also announced their new US advertising slogan, “Ficken vergiss ess bereits,” which loosely translates to “Let it fucking go already.”
Elon Musk was among the forty-five signatories on an open letter to the California Air Resource Board, urging CARB to direct beleaguered pollution manufacturer Volkswagen to build more electric vehicles.
The letter suggested that instead of fixing the small number of diesel cars on the road in California, Volkswagen should be required to build more zero-emissions vehicles (ZEVs) than currently required. The letter also suggested that Volkswagen be allowed to buy additional ZEV credits to allow more time for development.
“Conveniently, Tesla sells ZEV credits to other manufacturers. In fact, selling ZEV credits is the only thing that makes the company profitable,” neither the letter nor Elon Musk said.
Volkswagen expressed relief at the contents of the letter.
“We’re very pleased that Elon Musk and his friends have told us the best way to run our business,” said Volkswagen spokeswagen Hermann Van Agon. “We’ve been spinning our wheels since just after World War II, desperately waiting for someone to come along and tell us what to do. The Beetle, the Bus, the Golf, the GTI — people think these were brilliant products, but in fact they were all just lucky breaks. Now that Mr. Musk has spoken up, we can finally get on with the business of building proper cars.”
“All I want to do is make the world a better place,” Elon Musk told Autoblopnik during a quick break between nap time and macaroni painting. “This isn’t about me. This isn’t about Tesla. It’s about demanding that the automakers clean up our planet by making more electric cars. That way they won’t have to rely on companies like mine to sell them ZEV credits. Of course, that means we’d have to design a car that was actually profitable, and… er… oh, crap. Excuse me a minute. Linda? Hey, Linda? You didn’t mail that letter to CARB yet, did you?”
© Autoblopnik — Image © Rubberball/Corbis
Volkswagen today announced that they had developed a fix for the emissions “cheat” affecting their 2.0 and 3.0 liter TDI diesel engines.
“It’s a simple matter of reprogramming,” said Volkswagen spokesprogrammer Paul Looter.
Volkswagen has issued a timeline for the program, saying that key staff members of the Environmental Protection Agency and California’s Air Resource Board will be rounded up for reprogramming starting December 15th.
“It took us a little while to figure out the best methods of persuasion,” Looter told Autoblopnik.com. “Finding something that would work on people who had no children, spouses or pets was more difficult then we anticipated. But so far the pilot program has gone well, and none of our test subjects are inclined to find even the least little problem with the TDI engines.”
Looter said that if all goes according to plan, reprogramming will be completed by the end of June.
“Best of all, this fix won’t have the slightest effect on the cars themselves,” Looter said. “And if any of our owners do feel the performance of their Volkswagen is not what it should be, we are happy to have them reprogrammed as well.”
According to a report in Automotive Nudes, Volkswagen has denied the allegations of the EPA’s latest Notice of Violation, which claims that the 3-liter V6 TDI engine found in the Touareg and several Audi models uses the same “cheat” mode as the four-cylinder engines.
“The EPA is absolutely wrong on this,” said Volkswagen spokeswagen Paul Lucion. “The allegation that the V6 TDI engine is not emissions compliant is absolutely false, and is a fabrication of a select group of people who are trying to rewrite history for their own gain. And even if the engines aren’t compliant, we were just following orders from our leader, which I never really agreed with.”
Meanwhile, Porsche said they were “surprised” that the Cayenne TDI, which uses the 3.0 liter TDI engine, was named as non-compliant by the EPA.
“We couldn’t find any problems with the engine in the Cayenne,” Porsche spokescayman Penn Dulum told Autoblopnik. “Actually, we couldn’t even find the engine itself, until someone pointed out to us that it wasn’t in the trunk.”
Volkswagen Group AG today announced that the cost of the TDI emissions debacle will result in budget cuts that will affect the Bugatti Chiron, the upcoming replacement for the Veyron supercar. Sources inside the company have revealed the scope of these changes to Autoblopnik.com.
o Instead of making its debut at the 2016 Geneva Motor Show, the Chiron will be revealed at Vince Boticelli Volkswagen-Hyundai-Subaru’s Spring Sale-a-Thon Tent Event in Paramus, New Jersey.
o While the sixteen-cylinder engine will remain in top-line Chirons, only nine pistons will be installed.
o The Chiron’s carbon-fiber brakes will be replaced with a front disc/rear drum setup. Ceramic pads and shoes will be offered as a €12,000 option.
o A new entry-level model known as the Chiron Sport will get cloth seats, manual windows and locks, black plastic bumpers and body trim, and 20-inch steel wheels with plastic covers.
o In order to maximize economies of scale, production of the Chiron will be increased from 500 units to 250,000.
o The carbon-fiber bodywork will be replaced by papier-mâché. VAG claims the Chiron will feature the most extensive use of papier-mâché in the bodywork of a supercar built by a non-communist nation.
o Instead of the planned seven-speed dual-clutch transmission, the Chiron will feature a four-speed automatic with a lockup torque converter.
o A low-cost version of the Chiron with a two-liter diesel engine will be sold in select European markets as a Skoda.
o The “Buy a Bugatti, get an island free” sales campaign will be suspended indefinitely.
o The custom-designed Michelin PAX ultra-high-performance tires have been scrapped; in their place, the Chiron will be fitted with Kumho Solus Eco Mileage Maker all-season tires in readily available sizes.
o An extended-wheelbase model of the Chiron will be produced exclusively for the Chinese market.
o Production of the Chiron will be moved to Volkswagen’s Puebla, Mexico plant.
In the wake of the Volkswagen emissions scandal, several prominent automotive publications are saying that they were well aware of the problems with Volkswagen’s diesel engines, and have been attempting to educate the public about the potential dangers for some time.
“We knew all along that there was a problem with VW’s TDIs,” said Randy Backpeddler, Contributing Editor for AlternativeFools.com. “That’s why we have been recommending people buy them: So we could get enough of them on the road to attract attention to the very obvious problem of emissions cheating. I’m proud to say that our strategy has worked.”
Dean Nyer, Editor-in-Chief of Roadgoing Asshole Magazine, says his publication’s attempts to warn readers about Volkswagen’s diesel cars have been largely misunderstood.
“We have often written that only cool people buy diesels and that hybrid buyers are boring,” he told Autoblopnik. “What we meant was that diesel buyers are cool to important environmental issues that ought not to be ignored, while hybrid buyers are boring right into the heart of the matter, which is to reduce air pollution.”
Osmond Reefqueefer of Kelly Boob Book agreed that his publication’s position on Volkswagen diesels was also taken out of context.
“Sure, we said Volkswagen’s TDI cars were great,” he said. “And what we meant was that they pose a great danger to the health and safety of the American public.”
Volkswagen spokespolluter Gil Markes said he expects the media attention will be short lived.
“We were a bit surprised as to how much coverage the story has received, especially considering how many journalists we hosted at the Frankfurt Auto Show,” Markes told Autoblopnik. “But we’re pretty sure the media attention will die down once we announce that the 2017 Passat press preview will take place in Hawaii.”
Mary Barra has issued a formal apology for the Volkswagen emissions scandal, in which the Environmental Protection Agency has formally accused Volkswagen of installing a “defeat device” to pass emissions test.
“Volkswagen has violated the trust of thousands of its customers, and for that, General Motors would like to apologize,” Ms. Barra said.
“We know the general public will have a difficult time forgiving and forgetting what Volkswagen has done,” Ms. Barra added. “And for that, General Motors can only say we are very, very sorry.”
Asked what role General Motors played in the VW emissions scandal, Ms. Barra said, “None whatsoever. But that won’t stop people from blaming us and saying how much our cars suck compared to the Germans and the Japanese. Just you watch.”
“Obviously, we feel a great deal of sympathy for Volkswagen considering our own recent troubles,” she added. “But give us some credit. A car that has had its engine involuntarily switched off doesn’t pollute.”