Days after announcing the Service Advantage program, which offers a lifetime warranty on parts installed by the dealership, Volvo has expanded the program to include complimentary sex for Volvo owners.
“This is an integral part of ‘Service Advantage,'” said Volvo spokesservicer Russel Ditz. “We want our owners to know they get serviced whenever they feel the need.
“The idea is to make the Volvo ownership experience as positive as possible,” Ditz continued. “By offering owners the peace of mind of a lifetime warranty on parts and labor, as well as nookie on demand, we think we can achieve our goal of topping every other company in terms of customer satisfaction.”
According to a detailed press release put out by the company, Volvo owners will be able to sign up for sex on a dedicated web site, www.VolvoSex.com, and may choose from a catalog of partners in a wide variety of sizes, genders, and levels of cleanliness.
“All of us have been through the program, and I myself have sampled several partners, both male and female,” Ditz told Autoblopnik. “I think our owners are going to be really pleased. There are some things the Swedes do better than everyone else in the world, the Germans in particular.”
Ditz said that the program would initially offer what he described as “fairly conventional” sex acts — “Basically, nothing that requires any non-organic equipment,” he clarified. “Once we gain some experience, we’ll begin to expand the program with some D&S and maybe a little light bondage. Our plan is to offer access to a full range of fetishes by the 2017 model year.”
Ditz says Volvo is considering other enhancements to the Volvo ownership experience, including discounted vacations and free marijuana.
“These programs are all about building the Volvo family through customer satisfaction,” Ditz said. “They in no way indicate that we are dreadfully desperate for people to buy our cars. Oh, and on a related note, please buy our cars. Please.”
Volvo, the company credited with introducing the Blind Spot Information System (BLIS), the Side Impact Protection System (SIPS), and the practice of assigning short silly acronyms for safety systems (ASSASS), has pledged that no one will die or be seriously injured in a brand-new Volvo by the year 2020, a program they call Vision 2020. In preparation for the launch of the 2016 Volvo XC90, Volvo sat down with Sniff Autoblopnik to discuss their latest safety innovations.
“The XC90 will debut severål of our Vision 2020 technologies,” explained Volvo säfety expert Jäň Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt, speaking on condition that we don’t pronounce his first name the same way as the middle sister on The Brady Bunch, “åll of which will reduce the number of fätålities in the car.
“Fïrst is the styling, which uses our new Visio-Ocular Modification Impression Technology, or VOMIT,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝkspürdt explained. “We’ve made the XC90 slightly unattractive, which should reduce the number of büyers by approximately 15 percent. That means ten or twëlve fewer people will die in a Volvo each year.”
For collisions with other vehicles, the XC90 relies on Structural Transverse Integrity For Car Occupant Collision Kinetics, or STÏFCØCK.
“The bödy shell is made of high-strength steel reinforced by giant slabs of concrete,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained. “This will, of course, cause extensive damage to any vehicle that hits the XC90, and may well lead to death and injuries in those other vehicles. Well, fück ’em. If they wanted to live, they should have bought a Völvo.”
For extreme collisions involving large, heavy or immovable objects such as tractor-trailers, bridge abutments, or New Jersey governor Chris Christie, the XC9Ø relies on Ballistic Longitudinal Auxiliary Acceleration Strategic Telemetry, or BLÄÄST, which consists of ejector seats and removable roof panels.
“Microseconds before a collision,” Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt explained, “the BLÄÄST system opens the roof, fires the ejector seats to a height approximately fifty meters above the Volvo, and then detonates them, blowing both the seats and the people in them to tiny little bïts.”
Asked if this wouldn’t prove fatal to the occupants, Såftêÿ-Ĕhĝspürdt said, “Of course it will. That’s the whole idëa. They’ll die, but they wön’t die in a Volvo.”
Following the trend of making public announcements of future product plans, Volvo today announced their own five-year product plan.
“Volvo is a great brand with a history of making future developments available in the past for tomorrow’s future today, and we want the world to know where we are have been going next past,” said Volvo spokesfuturist Dean Case in an English accent that made the whole thing sound perfectly plausible.
According to Case, Volvo’s five-year future plan started in 2012 with the development of a new line of engines with names that made little sense, then fast-forwarded to earlier in 2014, when the company showed a picture of a new infotainment system at the 2014 New York Auto Show.
Case says the five-year plan will now skip a year to 2016, when Volvo plans to show pictures of the door handle, the decorative plastic trim that surrounds the right-side front fog light, and yet another concept car that looks like a cross between a C30 and a rare form of skin cancer.
From there, the five-year plan goes back to 1991 and the introduction of the 850, which Case called “the last really significant vehicle we ever introduced, but please don’t quote me on that, you’ll get me in trouble.”
The five-year plan then takes a three-decade nap until 2021, at which time Volvo will introduce a picture of the upcoming XC90 and a new line of three-cylinder engines featuring nanoturbonoodlechargers, which use a pasta-based form of air compression and cooling that has not yet been invented.
Case says the long-awaited XC90 is not part of the five-year plan, and will not be introduced until 2037 when everyone involved in the current five year plan has either retired, died, or been hired by Kelly Blue Book.
Volvo plans to take a second attempt at unveiling the facelifted S60, XC60 and XC70 in New York after an unveiling at the Geneva show failed to garner any attention.
“I’m not sure why the media didn’t realize the cars were any different,” said Volvo spokeschanger Jean O. Effluent. “These are the most extensive and radical changes we’ve made to our cars in four years.” All three of the cars have been unchanged since 2009, and Effluent himself has not changed since 1992.
“The S60 is the most extensive and radically changed member of the Volvo family,” explained Effluent. “The headlights are a slightly different shape, and one of the trim pieces near the fog lights that used to be body color is now chrome. Or maybe it used to be chrome and now it’s body color. I’ll have to check on that, but my point is that it’s different. Radically different. And extensive.”
Effluent went on to explain the changes to the crossovers, which, he says, include “taking the shiny metal bit from under the XC70’s grille and putting it on the XC60, and taking the XC60’s fog light trim and putting it on the XC70. We’ve also de-chromed the front end of the XC60. That wasn’t planned, all the chrome bits actually fell off when we were shipping the car to Geneva, but we liked the way it looked so we left it that way.”
Inside, all three cars received what Effluent described as “extensive and radical” changes. “I think we did something with the trim… painted it another color or something. And the steering wheel might be a little different. I mean radically different. Sorry… you know, after you’ve been doing this as long as I have, the cars all start to look alike, really.”
Volvo introduced an all-new V40 in Geneva, a radical hatchback with eye-catching styling and a futuristic interior with a center-mounted gauge cluster, but Effluent says that car will not be sold in the US.
“No question, the new V40 is Volvo’s best car and the US is our biggest market,” he explained, “but the Swedes are pissed at us because we keep mixing them up with the Swiss. They really know how to hold a grudge, those guys. Neutral, my ass.”
Volvo will also re-introduce several new technologies at the New York Show, including the Permanent High Beam system, which leaves the high beams on all the time because, as Effluent explains, “Volvo drivers are idiots who do that sort of thing all the time.” The company will also take the wraps off the World Safety System, which uses a broadband Internet connection to scan the headlines, then decides that the world is simply too dangerous to go wandering around and disables the engine.