An artist's rendering of the future Volvo door handle, yesterday
An artist’s rendering of the future Volvo door handle, yesterday

Following the trend of making public announcements of future product plans, Volvo today announced their own five-year product plan.

“Volvo is a great brand with a history of making future developments available in the past for tomorrow’s future today, and we want the world to know where we are have been going next past,” said Volvo spokesfuturist Dean Case in an English accent that made the whole thing sound perfectly plausible.

According to Case, Volvo’s five-year future plan started in 2012 with the development of a new line of engines with names that made little sense, then fast-forwarded to earlier in 2014, when the company showed a picture of a new infotainment system at the 2014 New York Auto Show.

Case says the five-year plan will now skip a year to 2016, when Volvo plans to show pictures of the door handle, the decorative plastic trim that surrounds the right-side front fog light, and yet another concept car that looks like a cross between a C30 and a rare form of skin cancer.

From there, the five-year plan goes back to 1991 and the introduction of the 850, which Case called “the last really significant vehicle we ever introduced, but please don’t quote me on that, you’ll get me in trouble.”

The five-year plan then takes a three-decade nap until 2021, at which time Volvo will introduce a picture of the upcoming XC90 and a new line of three-cylinder engines featuring nanoturbonoodlechargers, which use a pasta-based form of air compression and cooling that has not yet been invented.

Case says the long-awaited XC90 is not part of the five-year plan, and will not be introduced until 2037 when everyone involved in the current five year plan has either retired, died, or been hired by Kelly Blue Book.

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