Following a narrow defeat in the 2014 Indy 500, Team Penske today announced that it will use Indiana’s newly-passed Religious Freedom Restoration Act to ensure victory in the 2015 race.
“The current Indy 500 rules violate our religious beliefs,” said Team Penske spokesracer Kay Minsecond, “but up until now, we’ve never had any legal grounds on which to file an objection.”
Asked what rules Team Penske planned to object to on religious grounds, Minsecond said, “We feel the 2,200 cc limit violates our faith-based belief that there ain’t no replacement for displacement. Oh, and we also hold a deep religious conviction that none of our competitors should be able to race with wheels on their cars.”
The team plans to fit their cars with 6-liter triple-supercharged V12 engines producing approximately 3,000 horsepower, with Minsecond explaining, “That is what the Lord commanded us, and only us, to do.”
Minsecond says they also believe it is God’s intention that Andretti Motorsports should be locked out of their garages starting 48 hours before the race, and that they intend to carry out the Lord’s work by blocking all of the doors with large construction equipment. Asked why God might concern himself with such matters, Minsecond shrugged her shoulders and said, “The Lord works in mysterious ways, but we have faith.”
Team Penske’s legal expert Lee Galeckspurt says he believes the Religious Freedom Restoration Act will ensure victory for the team.
“Under the new law, IndyCar cannot compel us to race smaller engines, nor can they permit the other teams to install wheels and tires on their vehicles,” he explained to Autoblopnik. “To do so would place a substantial burden on our right to freely practice our religion,” which he described as “a little known branch of Protestantism.”
Republican state legislator Paul LaTition said he was pleased to see the law being put to good use.
“There’s a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation surrounding this new legislation,” he told Autoblonik. “The actions being taken by Team Penske illustrate what the law is all about: Ensuring that Big Government can’t interfere with the rights people of faith have to practice their deeply-held religious beliefs. That’s all. Well, that and keeping fags out of sports bars.”
Conservative car blog DrivingOnTheRight.com has published an editorial suggesting that the new 4-series coupe’s disappointing performance was prompted by instructions to the company from the Obama Administration.
In an editorial titled “Why does the 4-Series suck? Ask Obama!“, editor Phil Uvschidt wrote, “How could a car like the BMW coupe could go from being so good to so bad, so quickly? Liberals will say it’s because corporations are inherently lazy, evil and complacent… But to a sane Conservative, the idea that BMW could suddenly forget how to make a good car is beyond belief. BMW is a for-profit company with obligations to its stockholders, not a government-run bureaucracy with its handouts and its taxes. No, the answer is clear: Obama (or more likely one of his bagmen) put in a call to BMW.”
Autoblopnik asked Uvschidt if he had documentation or other proof that the Obama administration contacted BMW with instructions to alter the 4-series.
“No, but it’s bad, so of course Obama did it,” Uvschidt replied. “Do you know he refused to hand over his tax returns? What kind of lying sack of shit does that? I’ll tell you: A lying sack of shit that’s lying. Oh, wait, that wasn’t him… well, it doesn’t matter. Obama still sucks and he’s a Muslim that wasn’t born here and wants to take money from rich people and uses it to burn down nuns and buy stem cells from the Chinese.”
The White House did not return Autoblopnik‘s request for comment, but Mr. Uvschidt was only too pleased to add more of his own.
“Of course the liberals will say I’m crazy,” he said, “but you mark my words: In three years, when Baracula Obammunist is out of office, there will be a facelifted 4-Series that will be even better. Then we’ll know.”
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